Thursday, March 4, 2010
Why would you ever drink non alcoholic beer?
I've always been a Marmite kind of person, people either love me or hate me. My personality is pretty intense and some people just don't know how to handle it. Growing up, when I would complain that I wasn't "Peggy Popular" my mother informed me that Peggy Popular is nice, and nice is, well boring.
No one has ever accused me of being boring. Ridiculous though, I get daily.
My life, up to now, has been a stream of endless antics and I've also often found myself being the subject of speculation, rumors and attention. Yes, at times it got annoying, but I can't really complain since my life has always been exciting.
I've put up posting this blog for some time as 1. it makes me sad to write and 2. I'm in denial about it.
So I am just going to come out and say it.
I haven't been myself out here. Not really. More like heavily diluted version. Super nice and super boring. Take a nice bottle of Bordeaux, pour half out and fill the bottle back up with water (Evian, but still it's water) and that's how I've been.
Why? good question. I actually have an answer though it is pitiful. Upon arriving in Hanoi, and realizing that I was in the middle of nowhere (My Dinh) and essentially all alone and out of my element, I realized that the few people that I knew were kind of essential to my survival and that I couldn't risk unleashing "Ridic-Alice" and winding up abandoned and rejected. So I did what any painfully insecure person does...I went into survival mode, abandoning some of of off the wall characteristics and adopting some of "Peggy Popular's" personality traits, because while she might be boring, she IS popular and nice. No one can dislike to someone who is SUPER nice, right?
I was so worried about not being liked that I held back elements of my true personality, elements which I feel define who I am and make me the firecracker that you all know (and hopefully) love. Being insecure is crippling. LNot really loving myself without worrying about the consequences is perhaps that most devastating thing that I've experienced.
Obviously, when we first meet new people, we tend to be on our best behavior, not showcasing our flaws right off the bat. We are the best versions of ourselves. I don't let everyone know that I am insecure, sarcastic, disorganized, obsessive, and extremely WEIRD right when you first meet me. At least I don't think so. I usually give it a few hours before my true colors shine through. :)
My "best friend" here, is a guy named Chip. Out of everyone I've met thus far, I have spent the most time with him. We hang out, we talk, we live by each other and we traveled to Lao for ten days together, yet last night, when we were out with some other friends I became aware that the person who I have logged the most hours with, hasn't seen the Alice that everyone else knows. And I don't know why I am incapable of being "myself" around him.
I think from day one, I felt terrified that he wouldn't like me. That I had the curb some of my biting remarks and silliness in the fear that he wouldn't want to be my friend and then I would have had no friends. That I would rather hold back than be lonely.
In some ways, it's a good thing maybe? I think my friends at home are so used to me being such a commanding presence: the funny one, the entertainer. It's almost become expected and I haven't much room to be anyone else. Here, with him, I've been able to have some real, serious, and honest conversations that I wouldn't be able to have at home because people wouldn't expect that of me and maybe wouldn't take me seriously or think I was full of it. Chip has seen the other Alice, the quieter more subdued, nice and boring one. The one that many of you reading this blog didn't even know existed. (She's lame anyway you aren't missing much.)
I am sure some of you are wondering why I care, or why I am obsessing over this matter. "Why," you ask, "don't you just start now. Just start today by being yourself with your friend?"
Maybe it's because I can't exactly say, "oh by the way, I haven't really been myself since you've known me, I actually have this whole other persona that you haven't yet met...." and now since I am obsessing over it, there's a big chance that I behave like an idiot.
And the reason that i am upset? No one likes to be misrepresented. No one likes to feel that someone they know and genuinely care about has the wrong impression about them.
The good news, if there is any good news, is that I am making new friends, and for some reason I am presenting myself accurately to them. (Obviously still in the "best version" stages haha) but I don't feel like I am trying to be something or someone other than myself with them.
Maybe, hopefully, the earlier friendships and the new friendships will merge and that I can seamlessly transition watered down Alice into three shots espresso Alice weirdness and all, and that I'll be has lucky and successful with friends as I am with my friends back home.
This post is long and delirious. Hope you got the idea. I am exhausted. nap time. xo AC
PS-I promise to cut back on the feelings posts. I'll get back to blogging about funny, unique crazy things happening over here :)