Saturday, November 27, 2010

The Ghost Inside

If people had to describe me in three words, I bet 75% of them would include some form of "awkward" in their description. I AM an awkward person, I feel awkward a lot, about really stupid things, and I also get some sort of sick joy in making others feel awkward.

When most people feel awkward, they can hide it, let it go and not let on what's going on in their head. Not me. While I am the master of escape in every other aspect of my life, one feeling I can't hide is when I feel awkward. My whole body expresses it by going rigid, my face becomes ashen and wide eyed. My demeanor completely changes, and despite my most valiant efforts to create the illusion of control, it's crystal clear to anyone in the vicinity that I am anything but.

I have several remedies (texting, pretending to talk on the phone, ignoring you, being a bitch, bragging about superficial things) that I thought had people fooled but it turns out that they are pitiful and transparent...

Against my better judgment I am am going to post a list of my awkwardness. I started compiling this list as a semi joke and as a dedication to @DUKEDYLAN but the more I wrote and thought about it, the more I realized how ridiculous I can be.

Things that make me feel awkward

1. Arriving somewhere first. I hate sitting alone at a bar or a table. This is why I strive to be tardy.

2. Getting a massage or any other beauty treatment in Vietnam. They get very up close and personal.

3. When someone is attracted to me and it’s not mutual. I never know what to do so I respond the only way I know. I hide.

4. When someone is attracted to me and it IS mutual. Just like in #3, I tend to hide or just ignore them completely.

5. Girlfriends of my good guy friends. I over compensate to prove I am not trying to seduce their man. (I never am)

6. Talking about money.

7. Meeting/Seeing someone in person when all/most prior interaction has been over email or social media. What do you say when there is no computer screen to protect you?

8. Asking someone to take a picture with me.

9. Wanting to go home while everyone is still out. Irish goodbye anyone?

10. Telling someone I am not satisfied with a service I am paying for. Example: I will lie and tell you I love the hair cut and go home and cry.

11. Asking a favor from a friend

12. Meeting new people. I am secretly pretty shy…and (apparently) can come off as steely or I just blurt out inappropriate things

13. Talking about feelings. I’ve been told (and I agree) that I am unusually reticent about expressing myself. Feelings make me feel vulnerable and when I feel vulnerable I shut down completely. Chances are, I will never tell you how I feel, and I doubt you’ll be able to guess it.

14. Having attention called to me in front of strangers that I will never see again. Example: I have forbidden my friends from having waiters bring out a cake and sing happy birthday to me at my birthday dinners. They do it anyway, and I turn bright red and hide myself in my hands or under the table.

15. Buying women’s products or contraceptives. I act like I am twelve years old and hide it at the bottom of my shopping basket and choose the line that’s the emptiest so no one can see what I am buying. Sometimes I circle the store until the checkout line is all clear

16. Public displays of anything. Don’t kiss me or hold my hand. Don’t pick a fight either. I won’t engage.

17. Wearing a bathing suit in public.

18. The moment right before I realize someone is going to kiss me. I duck my head, giggle, and sometimes make a run for the nearest cab. Or just babble about the stupidest thing imaginable. Sometimes I'll even say, 'I'm really not worth it. I am really bad at this. Just leave now" AWKWARD

19. Ordering at a restaurant. Especially if it’s family style. I can’t handle picking the wrong thing. In NYC I’d have to study the menu online before going out so I’d know what I wanted before I went.

20. Confrontation

21. If I am with someone who has bad manners

22. Receiving a compliment

23. Singing or dancing in public

24. When I am hanging out with new people who know of me

25. When people watch me do things, like apply make up or get dressed. I even have issues with people watching my pay for something, start my motorbike,or when I have to follow them.

Things that don’t make feel awkward that probably should:
1. Being friends with an ex or talking about an ex to a new guy

2. Hanging out with my ex and current boyfriend. Or double dating with an ex.

3. Over communicating. I think nothing of sending dozens of texts or emails. I may call you 11 times in one day. This is ok. But if you do it to me, I’ll complain that you’re a psycho stalker

4. Failing the cool test by casually letting it slip that I’ve been facebook stalking you. This includes recognizing someone from facebook and introducing myself citing our mutual friend.

5. Throwing cake :)

6. Oversharing

7. Discussing infectious diseases with people I just met. I have been known, on more than one occasion, to meet guys at a bar and spend the evening talking about HIV paranoia and prevention.

8. Asking a favor from someone I barely know.

9. My habit of talking out loud to myself. Sometimes in public.

10. The fact that I will text you while sitting next to you.

11. The countless pictures I take of myself. In public.

12. Laughing at inappropriate times. I am a “nervous laughter” and if you tell me about some incredibly traumatic event or if I see someone fall, I’ll laugh. It’s not out of malice, it’s just nerves…that being said, when the tables are turned and someone does it to me, I’m not so understanding.

13. Dropping incredibly flirtatious one liners to my friends little brothers, my boyfriends best friend or a good guy friend

14. The fact that I have a stuffed rhino that I pretend is real and who has his own facebook page

15. My drunken declarations via text, facebook, twitter, or email. The next morning, I delete all the evidence, and expect the recipient to do the same.

16. Bringing up awkwardness of others. I do this in a self preservation kind of way, to take the attention off of my incredible awkwardness

17. The fact that I watch the CW and love it. Also the fact that I watch romantic comedies and cry-no SOB-at the end of all of them.

18. Watch me at a place that is playing music. Most likely, I’m mouthing the words. I have a knack of knowing lyrics, even to crappy miley Cyrus, Britney spears and any other kind of trashy pop. (My repetoire is not limited though, I’m the same way with classic rock, rap and even some country)

19. Making plans with someone and totally flaking out on them

20. My detriments. The fact that I don’t know my right from my left or can’t put keys on a key ring doesn’t make me feel awkward at all. Nor does my

I'm hoping that publicly announcing these triggers will help me overcome them perhaps become a more normal person. That or just feel awkward that everyone knows my awkwardness.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Gobble Gobble You Up

I'm going to say a blasphemous thing: I've never been one for Thanksgiving food. I know, sound the alarm and take me away in a straight jacket...I'm crazy. I just don't really like it the way everyone else does.

What I do enjoy though, is the meaning behind the holiday. I am not referring to the pillaging of the Indians who were the sole reason the Colonists survived, but more the modern day interpretation.

I like the fact that loved ones gather together for a positive reason, to reflect on how fortunate they are and that there are no presents involved. It really forces us to recognize the opportunities and advantages we are given, and how despite some turbulence in our lives, there is positivity and things worth being appreciative of.

We get so caught up in the have-nots, the "I wants", the "I wishes" etc that we don't look around and say, "This is what I HAVE. How lucky am I?" I am guilty of it myself, but am trying to make a conscious effort to focus on the good and see the world in a more rose colored way than thinking about all that's lacking from my life.

Moving out here as given me a great appreciation for life and the way I grew up and all of the opportunities that were handed to me. I took them for granted, accepting them like I was entitled to have since learned that I was not, and that everything that was bestowed upon me was, in fact, a precious gift.

Without seeming trite, I wanted to compile a small list of the things I am especially thankful for this year:

1. My family. The older I get and the more I'm exposed to, I realize how incredible my family is. I am the product of loving and wildly supportive parents (and family), parents who were a driving force behind my move out to Asia. Parents who always encouraged me, supported me both financially and emotionally, who truly instilled that my quest for happiness is one I should go on, that it's okay to deviate from the "normal path." Parents who are proud of me even in unexceptional times. And parents who I can count on for anything. My whole family is actually this way, and growing up in an environment where I felt incredibly loved is not a blessing I will ever take for granted.

2. My friends. When I moved to Hanoi, I panicked that I'd be missing out on life back home, that my friends would move on and forget about me. That, upon my return, I'd be irrelevant. In reality, this couldn't be further from the truth, as my friends in the US and Europe have shown me that being apart does not mean growing apart. Another joy in my life are the friends I've acquired here. People grow close very quickly out here, and while the relationships aren't as established, they are still solid. My friendships out here are what turned Hanoi into a home for me.

3. The life experiences I am accumulating while living out here. I hate to sound cliche, I really do, but removing myself from my old environment has given me a new perspective of the world, the people in it, and a major insight to myself.

4. The luxuries we usually take for granted. I've never thanked anyone for having running water and electricity. It's always been a given for me. I am not naive enough to believe that it's the norm for everyone. I've read and traveled enough to remote and developing countries to recognize that many people live without these "basic" amenities. However, it has struck a much deeper chord since I started LIVING in a country where these amenities are not always included in the locals lives. I've "suffered" blackouts and the water being turned off, and while I cursed and complained, it dawned on me that a LOT of people live EVERY DAY like this.

5. My health. Hypochondria aside, I am in good health (so far) My problems are trivial and I've never had a really worry.

Thanksgiving is an important to day to connect with family, friends, and our inner gratitude, however perhaps we should adopt the Thanksgiving mentality and apply it to our lives more often. To focus on what's good rather than obsessing over what's wrong, what we'd like to change. To think about the people in our lives who we adore and whose presence augment the good our world. To recognize the little things like running water, a stable job, health, the ability to travel as what they are...luxuries.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

And Isn't It Ironic

The irony isn't lost on me that less than thirty six hours after I publicly proclaimed my love of Hanoi something should happen to test that.

I had joined my two friends for a lovely evening at Son Tinh and the three of us had a wonderful time. I even sang a duet with one of the waitresses ("Because you loved me" by Celine Dion)I left the restaurant in a wonderful mood and big bouquet of flowers (not a result of my performance)

As I was driving I was doing two things: 1. singing "Because you loved me" out loud because it was stuck in my head 2. thinking about how I love driving after midnight because the streets are so calm.

Not even a mere block from my home is where the action happened. It came from nowhere, a felt a sharp tug at the purse on my shoulder as two Vietnamese youths were whizzing by. They didn't get my bag (which contained no cash anyway)but the jerk and movement caused me to slam to the ground followed by my bike. The flowers scattered everywhere. I screamed, an older gentleman rushed outside and began PICKING UP THE FLOWERS as I shakily and gingerly got my bike to my house. My wrist was in agony and I could already feel my knee swelling up. I managed to hold it together until I got into my house and once on the phone with my father the tough girl facade crumbled as I sobbed down the phone to him. I've always been a Daddy's girl. I don't think there is a man in the world who even comes close to my father in terms of quality and excellency. (This is part of the reason why in relationships my standards are so high and why I refuse to settle for anyone sub par or tolerate any kind of nonsense)

What I am upset about, is not the fact they tried to steal my purse. That kind of petty crime transpires worldwide. I actually believe Hanoi is extremely safe and that serious and violent crimes are not prevalent here. No, what bothers me is the manner in which my purse was targeted. I was DRIVING, THEY were driving at a high speed. It is almost inevitable that I would fall. And falling hurts, I could've been seriously injured. Luckily, i wasn't, i walked away with a very swollen and slightly fractured wrist and lots of bumps and bruises but nothing serious. but I learned something from this:

1. The realization that I do need and should get health insurance
2. A little bit more street smarts. My bag will no longer be thrown over my shoulder, and will not contain all of my credit cards
3. Irony is abound. This happened two days after I wrote my "I love you Hanoi" blog and the day after I started renting a motorbike, which is now damaged.
4. My brother really loves me. A lot.
5. This kind of thing results in lots of attention. Facebook and twitter generated the buzz and the wrapped wrist I am sporting immediately makes me the center of attention wherever I go. And we all know I like attention. ;)

In love, I don't like to play games nor do I like tests. Hanoi, I am very angry with you for trying to test my love like this. I am a very loyal person, I won't just walk away at the first sign of trouble. I haven't lost my faith. I'm in it for the long haul. If anything, my inclination to defend the city so ardently and rationalize the action only reaffirmed what I have slowly been realizing...I love this city. Truly, madly, deeply. For better or worse. Plus, I can now check "victim of attempted mugging" off my to-do list.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Come on Y'all Let's Take This Town

When settling down in a city, whether it be for three months, three years, or three decades, it's evident that you will find the little nooks and crooks that make the city your HOME rather than just a place you visit. These little pieces of familiarity and tradition become ingrained in your very being and before you know it, you forget about the time when you first landed in your new city, unsure of what lay ahead and confused by your new surroundings.

Hanoi is no different, and while it may take some people longer to adjust to their new life here, it is filled with little things that make it livable and home.

When I was in the U.S. this summer I tried to explain to people why and what I loved the most about this city, but just like an inside joke between friends, it's difficult to comprehend unless you were there. You have to experience this place to fully grasp all it has to offer.

During a long walk through Central Park one late night, I managed to convince someone that Hanoi is a place to try out, enough so that they were enthusiastic to declare that they'd take the plunge and move here as well. Several months have passed and I decided I wanted to send a reminder email as a form of inspiration and incentive to keep the decision of emigrating to Hanoi alive.

As I was compiling my list of reasons (some serious and some personal-which i can't share-sorry!) I realized it would be a good blog post, so I asked some of my nearest and dearest in the city what they loved about this place and have compiled a working list.

REASONS TO LOVE LIVING IN HANOI (in no particular order, more the order the texts came in/I thought of things)
1. The Vietnamese people. Warm, friendly, hardworking.
2. Alcohol. Beer is 1 dollar, wine is $3-10, and mixed drinks you can get for $3 at most places.
3. Currency. There is something exhilarating about being able to not blink an eye when something costs two million. I drop 100,000 at the drop of a hat. It’s nice to be a millionaire. Also, if you're a frat boy you can get generate a lot of giggles from yourself from name of the currency, which for those of you who don’t know, is dong. Examples: "I've got a lot of Dong" “Do you want any dong?” (It never fails to amaze me how grown men never tire of this)
4. Work hours. Most ex-pats enjoy flexible work hours which means much more play time then work time, and definitely more free time then you’d get at home.
5. The food. I don’t even know how I can expand on this. I could write a whole blog just about the culinary experience that living here is. (I'd check out stickyinhanoi instead though)
6. Romance. (if you’re a guy) Hanoi has a lack of hot men, and an abundance of gorgeous women
7. Motorbikes. Living in Hanoi you get to unleash your inner badass because you will, without a doubt, need a motorbike. You will be scared of it at first, then get overly confident and probably crash. (Maybe that’s just me) It’s only a matter of time before if becomes second nature and you’ll become a much better and more confident driver overall (though it may take a while to re-adjust to western driving since there are actual rules involved) It’s also nice to be able to take motorbike trips. Finally, it’s a giant sense of self congratulations when you realize you can navigate and drive without getting lost or hurt. It’s like a daily accomplishment you can relish in.
8. Perfecting Charades. There is a language barrier which can be frustrating, but you can work around it by acting out what you want. The good news is, after living here, it’s doubtful your team at home will ever lose in charades again.
9. Charisma and Culture. Hanoi is full of it, from temples to winding roads to old buildings, this city is beautiful and charming and can make you feel like you’re stepping back in time but still a part of the future.
10. Customs. Sometimes they seem a little weird to us, but let’s face it, they probably think we’re crazy too. I personally adore living in a place with such strong rooted traditions and way of being. Hanoi has been around for 1000 years and is still flourishing. It is fascinating to see how it works here and what we can learn from them. That being said, can you please not park your motorbike in the middle of the intersection?
11. Xe Oms. Thrilling, exciting, they know where they’re going and it’s like an amusement park ride without the long lines.
12. Weekend Trips. While Vietnam has many amazing and beautiful cities that one can go on for a weekend trip, living here is also a great jump-off point for traveling throughout Asia. Weekend in Bangkok? Singapore? Shanghai? Hong Kong? No problem.
13. Gaining strong skills in adapting navigation-don't expect to walk on a sidewalk
14. Learning how to vocalize what you want...for example...if you want the bill, you must shout at your waitress. In the future, I bet you won’t be so shy about taking charge and going after what you want.
15. The pure elation that comes with saying a Vietnamese word or phrase and having a local understand you.
16. Learning humility. When a local shouts at you or gives you a dirty look after they hit you with their bike you will learn that this is actually your fault and you will accept it with grace and dignity.
17. Opportunity. There is an abundance of opportunity for people here, whether it be for professional or personal growth. (Example: It is the only place where a 20 something year old can begin their modeling career)
18. The arts scene. Hanoi has a great arts scene, the talent is immense and manages to blow me away each time. And there are no shortages of art galleries. Amazing ones.
19. Community. The expat community is small and tight knit, giving one a feeling of community and comfort of a small town while actually living in a capital city. (This can also be a negative, everyone knows everyone so if you mishap, then everyone knows. If you want to behave badly, I recommend hanging out with backpackers when you do it, they’ll be gone before you learn their name and they probably won’t remember anyway)
20. Being pale is attractive.
21. It is never boring. How can it be? Even crossing the street is undertaking an adventure.
22. It’s challenging and provocative, it will change you and force you to grow.
23. As it's a fast growing emerging market, there is no better or more exciting time to be here.
24. Perfecting negotiation skills. Bargaining is a part of daily life, and you will become adept at it. You will also learn the art of the perfect time to walk away, which can be applied to other aspects in life.
25. There is a street for everything. While I still don’t understand why this is the case, anything you need is readily available in Hanoi, but it’s all broken down by street. Toy street, underwear street, bedding street, FOOD street, computer street…the list goes on
26. Hot Topic. People back home automatically find you more interesting and worldly if you live out here. They will respect you and think you’re adventurous and exciting. You have good small talk at cocktail parties, because let’s face it, how much can you really talk about the weather? Your loved ones back home will also be very jealous of you and brag about you to others.
27. The people you meet while living as an expat are unlike the majority of those you'll come across at home. It takes a certain type of spirit to pack up and move to Asia, and so any stereotypes about nationalities must be disregarded. Most of the people I've met out here are educated, interesting, adventurous, and approach life with a fresh outlook.
28. It’s Yours. Moving here you can start over in a place where no one knows you. There are no preconceived notions, you can just be. For the first time ever, I feel like the life I am leading is mine.
29. The winters are not (that) cold
30. High standard of living at a low cost. You can find an incredible house, great gym, eat well and go out like a rockstar for a fraction of the cost it would be at home.
31. Exploration. Getting lost is fun in Hanoi. As is wandering. There are so many amazing walks to walk in this city. It may not be Central Park (smile) but there are spots that can rival it.
31. The tailors. Custom, high quality clothes designed for you.
32. Hanoi Cinematheque is just one of the many gems this city has to offer, and you wouldn’t know about it/them unless you lived here.
33. The tailors are exquisite. you can leave the most fashionable person with clothes designed specifically for you that are great quality.
34. The chaos has order. And between midnight and five am the city has a beautiful kind of calm.
35. You will learn who and what back home are really important.
36. The National celebrity is a Ho (I wasn't going to put this in but Viet's text made me laugh)
37. The pharmacies are great.
38. The New Hanoian. What other cities have a resource like this? Not many.
39. You never know when going for a bowl of pho will turn into a job offer
40. I’m here. What reason is better than that? :)

That's the list so far, but I think it will keep expanding. Thanks everyone for your help.

When you first arrive in Hanoi you're struck by the noise and chaos and wonder how anyone could live here, if YOU can live here. But it doesn't take long to see the beauty and magic this place has to offer, and once you do you're smitten and one of us.

PS-I hope you still want to move here :)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Jar of Hearts

Hanoi is not the place for love. At least not if you're a woman. In fact, i can't think of many worse places to move to if ones goal is to meet a man and fall in love.

When I first moved here, I was in a four year relationship so this didn't bother me in the least. Over the course of my time here, my relationship ended and I found myself suddenly bothered by the lack of options and resources that this city can offer in terms of eligible men.

I found myself reaching out to ex boyfriends via skype so that i could maintain a level of attention and affection. I let myself develop "feelings" for guys out here that i normally never would because I simply didn't know how to live my life without a partner. I started having major panic attacks that I made a big mistake letting my incredible and perfect boyfriend go (Jax-I know you're reading this and I still think you're the most wonderful man. iwaly) I seriously thought that I'd move back to New York or London and be an old maid, that all the men would be taken and I'd be alone. It depressed me beyond belief.

I was just in Sapa and while on the long hikes and train rides I had a lot of time for self reflection and I started wondering why I was letting this bother me so much. Why I was allowing this fact define my happiness and who I am as a person. I look for happiness in all the wrong places and use security in a relationship to fix my insecurities. I realized how sad it is to be in this position. I should be confident and happy with who I am and not let a man or relationship affect that. relationships are supposed to enhance ones life, not define it. Once I stumbled upon this (incredibly obvious) revelation, I decided that I wanted to change.

That's easier said than done.

Very recently, I had a negative experience with a guy that I don't even care about...yet his caitiff behavior had a jarring effect on me. I was disquieted to the point where I almost let it affect and ruin my evening.

I think that's when the turning point occurred. As I was storming out of the bar I was at, determined to go home and lick my wounds, I suddenly stopped and thought, "Why am I going to let some miscreant (that I am phlegmatic towards) mar my evening?"
I turned around, walked back into the bar and genuinely had one of the best nights I have ever had in Hanoi.

The single, simple move of walking back inside had such a profound effect on me. It was the first time that I allowed myself to take control of the situation, to not let someone or something dictate how I was going to feel. I realized that I DO, in fact, have the power to create my own happiness and circumstances, and that all these years I've just been giving the reins to others. I've been letting people let me feel a certain way rather than being confident and secure enough to be the driver behind my destiny.

I've learned it's EASY to not care what people think, and I've wasted far too many hours concerned about something silly and pointless.

I also learned that I have been so busy putting an emphasis on the romantic relationships in my life that I haven't given enough value to the platonic ones. I am struck, on almost a daily basis, by how truly incredible my friends (both here and in the Western world) are. That, along the way, I have amassed a collection of supportive, loyal, kind and true friends, ones that I wouldn't trade for the world. My relationships with THEM are a huge part of what makes my time in Hanoi (or anywhere) so special. They have been an integral part of helping me see my value and worth and showing me that there's more to life than whether a guy is interested in me. They've given me the tools to build a new perspective, one oozing with confidence and the ability to see myself the way they/the world does. I am forever indebted and eternally grateful for them.

So I've revisted my stance on Hanoi, it's not the place for romance, but it is the place for love. Love of culture, food, experience. Love for the friends that I am learning and growing because of. And most importantly, Hanoi is the place that is teaching me to love myself.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

See You At The Crossroads

I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm going through a rough time. I have mentioned before my intense dislike of discussing my intimate feelings or weaknesses with people on account of the fact that I don't think people really want to be around a downer and also I hate feeling vulnerable and exposed. I don't like looking weak. I know that's ridiculous but I've always prided myself on being "together" and "in control" and immune to breakdowns.

A good friend sat me down about five years ago and explained to me that part of the benefit of having friends is for them to be there in the bad times as well as the good. He earnestly expressed a desire to be there for me because he cares. He reminded me that I am always there for my friends so I should feel comfortable turning the tables sometimes. He insisted that sometimes looking weak is a sign of strength. While I processed his words, and (kind of) believed them, I have still struggled with opening up to people and letting them in. I've gotten better at it but I'm still pretty closed off emotionally. Getting me to talk about feelings is an uphill battle (just ask anyone I've ever dated or been close to) For a various amount of reasons I can't really get into right now, I have insane trust issues and my remedy for them is just to not trust, to not open up and to keep things to myself.

I'm going somewhere with this rambling.

I've been in a funk lately, something is not quite right. I am not entirely sure that this is a new thing, to be honest, but it's just one that has been increasingly evident in the last few months. I just feel like I am at a stage where I have no idea what I want. I don't know what I am doing. I have no direction. I feel like the life i am living here is pretend, that i am going through the motions.That I am trying to prove something. i have been questioning why I am even still in Hanoi anymore.I don't feel happy or fulfilled. I don't want to come home because that would be failing and frankly I don't know what I'd do when I got there.

I am aware that these feelings are relatively normal, especially for one in their mid twenties. We are all trying to find ourselves and figure this crazy maze of life out. I know I'm not supposed to have all of the answers and that part of learning and growing is to try new things and fail. That we need to take the lows to appreciate the highs. That is is essentially called growing up. Knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier and living in Hanoi only heightens the sense of hysteria.

Hanoi, as wonderful as it is in so many ways, also has its fair share of drawbacks and lately I've been spiraling into them. It's isolating here, and can be very lonely, and despite having a strong network of good friends I can't really shake the feeling that I am ultimately alone here. I haven't really ever been alone before and it's freaking me out. Being here, I have all of this free time that I am not used to having and in it I have found that I've become overly analytical. I think way too much about things that are really stupid. I stress out and worry in ways I never used to. I find that being here alone is making me think and act in ways I don't like and feel like at times, I am going crazy. (Some of my recent actions might even back up this theory)

AS I mentioned earlier, this may not be a new problem. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not. I left NYC and my life there for an adventure-sure-but also because I didn't feel fulfilled there either. I wanted something more and just wasn't sure what it was. I guess I naively thought a change of scenery would make everything crystal clear but it hasn't. Maybe moving here, although it's kind of driving my insane, is a good thing. Maybe I needed the time to think and face the things I spent time running away from and avoiding in NYC. Or maybe not.

I know I sound awful right now. There are people with real problems in the world. I am luckier than most. Maybe that's another issue, that I'm used to everything in my life being perfect and easy and it hasn't been likely and I am having issues coping.

I know I have options. I can always move home and return to the safe comfortable world I left behind. I can stick it out here and see if it subsides and transitions into something better. Right now I am leaning towards the latter. Exploring other career options to challenge and excite me, keeping myself inhumanly busy, and of course leaning on my friends.