There comes a time in life, in relationships, in situations, where we have to accept that the strongest thing we can do is stop fighting,
and walk away. We have been preconditioned to be fighters, we’re told not to
quit or give up on the things that are important to us. We’re made to believe
that by doing so, that we are, in some way, failures.
I am no different, in fact, I am the worst offender of this.
Despite all of the lessons I’ve learned in life, one I have not been able to
fully been able to embrace is walking away. Walking away from a toxic
friendship, an unfulfilling relationship, an uninspiring job, or a life choice
that no longer brings me joy. In fact, the second I see things spiraling south,
I go into overdrive, trying to salvage, protect and save, regardless of the
outcome it has to my personal and emotional health. I think this is, in part,
due to my passion for the things and people in my life. If I commit to
something it’s because I care about it, sincerely and wholly, and I find many
of the attitudes today too cavalier, giving up because something isn’t perfect,
because it isn’t the exact way they envisioned it in their head. I watched a
friend take a “dream job” and leave after three weeks because it wasn’t “what
she thought it would be.” I lost respect for this girl, thinking that she
should’ve sought out the opportunities that WERE available within that
position, perhaps find something that she hadn’t anticipated but was still
incredible, but just in a different way. I’ve fought for friendships despite
knowing the person should be cut off, I just couldn’t walk away from
history. I’ve stayed dating people even
when the magic ended because it was there once and I believe in love.
I guess for me, as idealistic as I am, I have a realistic
side. I know that life comes with trials and tribulations, and with ups and
downs. I know some the best things are the ones we work for, that the
challenges we’re presented with are important life lessons, showing us who we are
and what we’re capable of. I will never be the kind of person who doesn’t give
everything I have to something that matters to me. I am a bit on the extreme
side, and I’ve spent some time observing how the other half lives.
I’ve had
extensive conversations with people who leave jobs when they’re not getting
what they want out of it, who cut off friends when they’ve outstayed their
welcome, and break up with significant others the minute it becomes apparent
that it’s heading down a dead end. I
find them fascinating and admire their courage. I have started to realize that
they have an equal commitment; it’s the one to themselves. They don’t want to settle for anything less
than they feel they deserve, so they don’t. They aren’t selfish, they’re just acutely
aware of what works and what doesn’t, and don’t have time for the in between
nonsense.
I think there is a middle ground, a healthy balance between
idealism and realism where the right approach lies. While I understand the
people above, I do think it is too easy to just walk away, just like it’s
senseless and pointless to stay firmly planted. So how do we know when is
enough? Unless there is some major event that makes it impossible to not cut off, we have to rely on other means. It’s all about evaluation and
honest assessments.
RELATIONSHIPS: Platonic
and Romantic
BALANCE/COMMITMENT: Healthy
relationships are all about balance, you get what you give. No one wants to be
the friend who is there for their friend in times of trouble only to be abandoned
when the tables are turned. We don’t want to be the one who is always giving, always
being the first one to call or make plans. There are times that one person will have more
significant needs than the other, and that’s fine, this is normal. But it can’t
be a completely off kilter exchange. Both parties have needs and those needs
should be recognized and met. I know
there are times where I can be emotionally demanding, but I also know that when
someone I care about needs me, that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.
Examine the commitment levels and see if they’re fair, if you’re happy with
them, if you feel like you’re giving too much or too little. We need equal and
fair levels of commitment. We need people in our lives who want us in their
lives as much as we want to be in theirs or want them in ours. If this isn’t
existent, then it’s a toxic relationship. Constant sacrifices and compromise of
ourselves are not recipes for a healthy relationship.
COMPROMISE: This is
on the heels of balance is compromise. All relationships require a certain form
of compromise. We can’t have everything we want in life, and we also can’t
expect people to adhere to our every whim. What we can expect, though, is that we
are going to be met halfway, that those we are involved with are concerned with
our well being and needs. We need to be able to make certain concessions but at
the same time understand that it’s happening on both sides.
COMMUNICATION: To be able to communicate is key. We need to
be able to have an open line, where we feel safe and comfortable to express
ourselves. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to be silenced or stifled. If we are
holding back out of fear of repercussions or rejection we are only causing damage to ourselves.
HEALTH: This should obvious, but the second that a
relationship is detrimental to our health, both physical and emotional then we
should walk away. If a relationship is
overly stressful, or we find ourselves crying or distraught more than we are
happy, then why stay? If we stop eating or overeat, if we can’t sleep at night…then
why, WHY put up with it? We shouldn’t because don’t have to.
BEHAVIOR/ATTITUDE: A major sign that someone is no longer
the best presence in our life is when our behavior and attitude start to take a
detrimental turn, and it’s time to examine why. I have been driven to crazy
behavior when I was caught up in a toxic relationship. I can tell you stories
of hysterical acts, running down the street after someone at 2am in my pajamas,
tears streaming down my face. I look
back at this and wonder what the hell was I thinking. Are fights normal?
Absolutely, things can’t be perfect all the time. But when we start doing things out of
character, when we start losing our grip on reality, when we enter the world of
crazy…there is nothing good or ok about that, and it's time to come back to the land of sanity.
PRESENT DAY: It’s very easy to reminisce in the past, to
think about all of the good times and use them as excuses to stick around for
someone. While the past counts for something, something major, we can not use
it as our only crutch. The past serves as the foundation and building blocks
for relationships, but even the strongest buildings require maintenance. We can’t shoot cannon balls at a structure and
expect it to hold up because it used to be a fortress. We need to look at the present day, the things
happening in the here and now and determine whether the present is
strengthening the ties or dismembering them.
FEELINGS: We need to
listen to ourselves, because often times our subconscious is onto something.
The minute we start questioning things we need to be cognizant of the fact that
it’s happening for a reason. I have had
friendships with people that I, ultimately, didn’t trust, that I didn’t feel had
my best intentions, yet I stayed friends with them because I didn’t want to
lose the relationship. But what kind of relationship is that? It isn’t one. I
have dated people who I wasn’t entirely happy with but haven’t broken up with
them because I didn’t want to fail. I’ve been in situations where I have met
someone else that I liked more, that I wanted to be with but yet I stayed
with my current partner out of some kind of misplaced loyalty. I realize now
that I may not be with the "other" person, but perhaps they were placed in my
path not to date, but to show me that what I had wasn’t right.
TURN THE TABLES: I find this exercise is highly effective in
almost any life situation. Say your story and your feelings out loud, or write
them down. Then think about it, but from a different perspective. Pretend like
it’s a good friend coming to you with this predicament. What would your advice
them to be? Then follow it.
ACCEPTANCE: Sometimes we
need to accept that things change. People change, we change. The most
successful relationships are the ones in which we evolve together, where we
grow together, not apart. The right people in our lives are receptive, not resistant, to this. Sometimes we need to take a step back, see the writing on the wall and
realize that it's just not right. That giving up is not an act of defeat but
one of strength. That walking away is not a failure but of an actualization of
reality and facts. That sometimes we are better off without someone in
our life.
OTHERS: Look at your
relationships with your other friends or think back to past romantic
relationships. Were they this complicated or difficult? The answer is probably not. So this one shouldn't be either.
JOBS AND DREAMS
This is a little bit more
complicated because it’s difficult to walk away from a steady job, jobs are our
livelihood. As much as we’d like to, we can’t survive sans income but we also
shouldn’t stay in a job that is making us miserable simply for the paycheck. The
truth is, that leaving a job is scary but not as scary as the adverse effects
that can come with hating your life because of your job. When the toils of your
life in the office spill over into your personal life, than it’s time to
reevaluate and find something better suited. The same thing goes for dreams. We
all have them, but we need to be realistic about whether they are actually attainable and what we wanted or
thought we wanted is actually what is best for us.
The bottom line is: Our jobs should make us feel inspired and positively challenged. People
in our lives should bring out the best in us, should make us feel better about
ourselves, not worse. When we find this is no longer the case, we need to
walk. We need people who care about us like we do them. We need to think,
really think, about whether or not this is worth it. The truth is though, if we
even have to think about it, then it probably isn’t. We have to stop making excuses for people, and most importantly to ourselves. Excuses are a form of denial, and drowning in them only prolongs the inevitable, causing unnecessary stress and drama in our lives when there doesn't need to be any.
Remember: This is all a learning experience: people, jobs, things. These are all part of the story that we are writing for ourselves, some chapters are shorter than others. Some chapters make us cry, some make us laugh. However, without them, the story is incomplete. We need them to be who we are. It isn't about winning or losing, it's about staying true to who we are.
Remember: This is all a learning experience: people, jobs, things. These are all part of the story that we are writing for ourselves, some chapters are shorter than others. Some chapters make us cry, some make us laugh. However, without them, the story is incomplete. We need them to be who we are. It isn't about winning or losing, it's about staying true to who we are.