If you ask most people what qualities make a relationship great
they’ll probably say: kindness, communication, understanding, respect and
trust. Trust. We value it so highly (as we should) but find it one of the most
challenging things to hand over. If we are with someone, we obviously respect
them. Being kind to them is easy, so is communicating with them. Not always
as easy, is understanding, but if that’s not instant it follows shortly upon
getting to know them more. Trust, however, now that’s a different matter. No matter
how “trusting” we are, or think we are, it’s one of the most difficult things we give
to another human being. We talk endlessly about building and breaking trust
(but rarely make such statements about those other important qualities) Trust
is its own beast. Trust is not just its own category but a completely entity in
a relationship.
We want to trust people. We want to trust that they have our
best interests at heart, that they are honest with us, that they’re faithful.
We want to trust that they aren’t going to hurt us, but most of all, we want to
trust that they are who we believe them to be. Somehow, if we find out that
they’ve broken our trust, we inadvertently blame ourselves, or feel stupid,
feeling for whatever reason that we should’ve “known” or “seen it coming.” It’s
not just about trusting the other person but trusting ourselves to make good
decisions. And we hate failing ourselves.
I’m not really sure how to say whether or not we should
trust someone. For me it’s always been an inherent thing, that, if we care
about someone we should have enough faith in them (and ourselves) to assume
that they’ll do the right thing most of the time. (No one is perfect!) That if we behave accordingly
that they will too. Some of you may say that it’s easier said than done, and
that you’ve been hurt before. News flash: we all have. It’s just how you deal
with it. I can relay horror stories of some of the guys that I’ve dated that,
could, in theory, be my reason for never trusting again. (Just like I could recount some tales of my misbehavior) But I don’t see the
point. Partially, because that’s no way to live your life, but mainly because
just because a few idiots did terrible things doesn’t mean I should blame the
rest of the population.
One of the most popular ways to test the trust we have for
another person is by searching through their emails and phones. (I’ve
never really understood it, personally I’d be bored reading through someone elses correspondences. The exception being when
my then-boyfriend told me he bought me a present online and then LEFT HIS EMAIL
OPEN on my computer. If that was a test, I failed it. Come on! But truthfully, I regretted it, because it took the fun out of the surprise.)
I can not
stress enough how incredibly stupid this is. First of, and I’ll restate, if you
feel like you have to do this, then you are with the wrong person. Secondly, by
doing that, you are, in fact, in violation of their trust for you. And thirdly,
this never ends well. In most cases you will find something questionable. Things
in the virtual world can often be taken out of context. I know that if someone
went through my phone or email that they would probably be able to find something to get upset about, despite the innocence on my part. It also bears the question of what can be
deemed as “breaking trust?” Mild flirtation? Complaining about you? Discussing
personal details of your relationship? Discussing personal details of their
life that they haven’t shared with you? Talking about something you asked them
not to? The list goes on and on. And then what do you do if you’ve found
something? Confront them? Saying, “I was going through your email/phone and
found this…?” Um, no. That won’t go well, for either one of you.
I will on record again and say that I don’t support this
behavior at all. That if you’re dating someone you don’t need to go through
their things, and if you feel like you have to, then you shouldn’t be dating
them. However, some of you will still engage in this behavior so let me state
that IF you do, you must never tell anyone about it. Ever. If you don’t find
anything, then you are the paranoid psycho invading your loved ones
privacy and you need to live with the guilt of betraying them. If you do find something: then end it with them. Don’t tell them
why, just do it. Why? Why not confront them about it and demand that they
explain themselves? The answer to that is simple but twofold: to start, the
trust is broken and it is not likely to return and it will always be in the
back of your mind (and theirs); but more importantly, you went into their
accounts because you expected to find something, wanted to even, and you did. You
got your proof so what more do you need? No explanation will make you feel
better or change what you found. Game over.
We can spend countless hours stressing out and pondering whether or not the person we’re dating is trustworthy, but if you’re doing that I have to ask why. WHY are you dating someone who is causing you such anguish? It’s not healthy. Furthermore, what does it solve? The answer to that is nothing. If you think someone is lying to you or cheating on you, worrying about it isn’t going to change the fact that they're they’re going to do it if they want to.
Before you snoop ask yourself the following questions and answer honestly:
Before you snoop ask yourself the following questions and answer honestly:
1. Why do you want to go through their things?
2. Do you expect to find something incriminating?
3. What will you do if you find something incriminating?
And then, if you haven't already, really ask yourself why it is you're with someone that you don't trust.
***I wrote this because approximately 10 people in the past few months have come to me with some kind of story of finding something in their significant others phone/email or vice versa. My first question was: why were you/they going through your things?
***special thanks to the above for the inspiration, for the guys I've dated that deserved my trust, for the ones I dated who didn't (because they made me appreciate the worthy ones all the more) and to Jax for not canceling the order when he found out that I knew what it was. :)