I’ve always been fascinated by the art of flirting and
picking someone up. We go from noticing
someone, wanting to speak to them, approaching them….and then either having it go the
way we wanted or not.
I am a bit of a paradox. I am the kind of girl who likes to
be chased. I know, shocking, right? I have said it before, and I’ll say it
again, that women like to feel desired. We want to feel special and a good way
to do that is to pursue us. We don’t want to feel like you ended up with us
because it was easy. That being said, I texted my last three boyfriends first,
but I couldn’t help but feel a slight nagging sensation, wondering that
if I hadn’t showed the initial interest or spark, if they would’ve pursued me.
My current boyfriend assures me that he had every intention of calling me to
ask me out, and that I just beat him to the punch. I actually believe him.
I’m digressing, as I always do. What I am (trying to) get at is the
art of picking someone up that you don’t really know. I will go on the record
to say that women have it easier: if we want someone and we approach them, the
odds are more in our favor that the response will be positive, whereas men, no
matter how good looking, or nice, or charming they are, have it a little bit
harder. This is because women have this image of men only wanting one thing, of
flirting with us simply to achieve their end goal of bringing us home at the
end of the night. We women are suspicious, we believe the worst, we don’t want
to be another notch on someones belt, so we, at times, will be prickly, we’ll
shove off advances. Even if we are interested in someone, we’re faced with a conundrum
of not wanting to shut them down completely but still having to play a certain
degree of cool. If we think we could like someone, we don’t want to hand ourselves
over so easily, we want to be sure that he’s different, he’s not like everyone
else. This is why men often label women as a “tease” and women turn around and
brand men as “players.” It’s complicated.
When we go out to a social spot, such as a bar, club or
party, we’re usually flanked by our friends. This isn’t unusual, in fact, it
would be less ordinary to show up alone. Sometimes we go out simply for the purpose
of having fun with our friends, and aren’t interested in any outside parties,
but sometimes we’re on the prowl to meet people, and our friends become our “wingmen.”
Men use the term more than women do, mainly because it’s usually the groups of
men that approach the women. They decide the one they’re interested in, tell
their friend, and as a group they approach. This approach will usually result
in some kind of interaction, but as women, we know what’s happening. We’re not
stupid, and we know that you know we’re not, so as soon as you and your boys
come up to us, we know it’s not discuss the latest developments in foreign
policy. We instantly become girls: our guards come up and we will make you work
for it. We’ll even do annoying things like drag our friend away from you at the
end of the night. (I once had a guy earnestly tell me, “I really really like
you.” “You do?” I asked, ‘Well that’s great. So that means that you’ll REALLY
REALLY like me tomorrow. Call me then.”)
I am not begrudging men for this approach, or any approach
actually. I think the idea of walking up to someone and essentially exposing
yourself to rejection is a daunting feat, so putting yourself in the line of
fire is commendable (that being said, if you get “leave me alone” vibes, and
those are OBVIOUS, then move on) but I’ve found that the most successful pick
ups happen when the woman doesn’t realize it’s happening.
Guys, let me introduce the wingwoman, a person who serves
the same purpose as a wingman, but is a better option because they have the
advantage of being the same sex as the person you’re trying to approach. A
wingwoman is a valuable asset, because she is a completely non threatening entity
and can secure the initial introduction in a way that eliminates awkwardness
and your (potential) creepiness factor. For a woman to approach a woman in a social setting
is easy, and doesn’t immediately heighten suspicion or raise guards. I talk to
women all the time, not always as wingwomen, but over something as simple as
really liking their dress. You’d be surprised how a comment like that can
evolve into a full on conversation. As a wingwoman, I make a casual approach
like that, engage the girl, and then my guy friend will join a few minutes
later, under some kind of pretense. Best Example: “I’m going to the bar, would
you like something?” It is at this point, which I introduce my guy friend to
the girl he has secretly been interested in all night. He is nice and charming,
and then offers to get the girl something. After he walks away, I define the
relationship. She’ll most likely ask (especially if she finds him attractive) if he’s
my boyfriend. If she doesn’t do this, I’ll discreetly mention how awesome he is,
fending off creepy guys when my boyfriend is out of town. When he returns with
drinks, conversation is facilitated and I, after a short time, have to use the
bathroom, or run into someone, or get a call from my mother. From there, it’s
up to my guy friend. I’ve led the horse to water, there’s not much more I can, or
should, do.
Tips for Finding a Good Wingwoman:
1. Make sure she isn’t interested in you. No
matter how good of friend she is or wants to be, if there are any romantic
inclinations it will end in disaster. Girls with boyfriends make good options. Not
only does the guy know that she’s not interested, but the other woman is
reassured as well. Also, make sure you’re not interested in her, as it’ll also
become obvious. Plus she may ask you to
return the favor someday.
2. Make sure you actually like hanging out with the
person and trust their judgment. It’s
important that your friends know you and won’t but you in a weird or
embarrassing situation.
3.Ability. You can have a friend who is great but
may not be “wingwoman material.” Make sure the girl is able to insert herself
into conversations, approach people and be comfortable. Also your wingwoman
shouldn’t be drunk, otherwise she’ll come off as ridiculous and out of control.
You want her in control and with her wits about her
4. Communication. You should be able to communicate
with your wingwoman about the situation without being overly obvious about it.
For example, when wingwomaning, I can find out easily whether or not the girl
is interested in my friend, or even available, and I want to be able to warn my
friend without making it too obvious. So make sure you can pick up her signals
and read her.
If done correctly, having a wingwoman can be the most important person on your team. Approaching someone for the first time is never easy, so the more comfortable and open she can be upon the initial introduction, the better. They say behind every great man is a great woman, and in this case let it be your wingwoman.
Thanks for to MJ and MF for the inspiration and to the ever
insightful HK for his contributions. To AB for pointing out that not all men are creepy in their approach. To JF who would've called me anyway. Also a big thanks to the men in my life
who have trusted me with being their wingwoman, many of whom are now with the
object of their affection.