Put Your Head On My Shoulder

Like any cliché, growing up, I was always Daddy’s Little Girl. I’d wait for him to return home from work and rush him as soon as he stepped inside the door. He’d swoop me up and sing “Put Your Head on My Shoulder” to me. I always knew I would have fun when I was with my father, we’d drink milkshakes and dance and he could fix anything in the world.

When I traded face paint for make up and Barbie’s for boys things changed slightly. Fathers, I think, I generally in bewilderment by adolescent and teenage girls. They most likely had no idea how to figure them out when they were that age and even less so now. I suddenly started finding my father embarrassing, like, why did he have to TALK to EVERYONE? I was certain he had no idea about anything, especially not in regards to being cool. When I left my teens and entered my early twenties the “being embarrassed by my parents” went away but there was still this awkwardness, like, what do we TALK ABOUT?

As I have gotten older and had some trying experiences, I’ve gorwn into my relationship with my father….now viewing him as, a real person, who could understand me. I call him and talk to him about life and what I want out of it, my dreams and how to achieve them, my fears and how to overcome them. When I was going through an epic heartbreak, I’d call at 2am (my time) crying and muttering a bunch of nonsense and he listened to me and offered relevant and logical advice, he understood in a way that I never thought he would.

My father is the kind of man who is so moral, and straightforward. Who is good and kind, and who holds himself in such a way that being around him just makes you want to be better. He has the kind of intelligence that enables him to recall the tiniest details, or argue effortlessly about any given thing. He knows the answer to every question on any game show (watching Jeopardy with him is both awe inspiring but also aggravating), he is a master in the kitchen, being able to conjure the most delicious meal at any given time and loves to cook for people. This love and his natural ability for the art form is evident in every thing he prepares. But aside from these things he is a model of what a man should be. He has always, selflessly makes those he loves his number one priority, often sacrificing his own happiness or desires on behalf of others. He is generous, forgiving, tolerant, resourceful, driven and most of all, kind.

He made sure that we know how much we are loved. That we have someone in our corner no matter what. I can’t even put into words how comforting and empowering having that kind of knowledge and security is. My father (both) of my parents have made it clear to me, that as long as I behave with integrity and to the best of my ability that they will be proud of me. They are not trying to push me into living their life or their goals but rather find my own and live for myself. I don’t feel pressure to make millions of dollars or get married and have children, I am not worried by not doing those things that I will disappoint them. Both of them have always stressed that the greatest thing I can give them is leading a happy life (and to always be kind, of course)

I know every girl says that about her father and mine is no different. We’ve always heard the phrase “women marry men like their fathers” and, when I was younger I’d say, “ewwwwwwwwwwww” but now I realize that finding someone a quarter of the man he is would make me blessed.

Happy Birthday.
(I am not sure sure I say thank you enough, or let you know how fortunate I know I am to have a father like you. You are a constant source of strength and inspiration. You make me feel like I am invincible. I love you.)

God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, the most important and monumental holiday of the year. I jest, even as a hopeless romantic I find the “holiday” to be a complete waste of time. I talked about it last Valentine’s Day but to repeat myself, I don’t believe that love is expressed by buying someone chocolate and flowers and going out to an overpriced dinner on a specific day. For me, love is based on something so much more, something intangible. Showing someone that they mean the world to you comes in the things you do in your every day life, the way you treat them and consider them. To limit romantic gestures and thoughtfulness for one day seems counterproductive to me.

I understand Mother’s/Father’s/Teacher’s/every other day, a little bit more, though I do believe that you should honor all of the above on a daily basis…but your significant other? That doesn’t need to be a cliché, that should be inherent, like breathing.

Valentine’s Day always feels like a no-win situation. If you’re IN a relationship the person will inevitably not live up to your standards and if you’re NOT in one then you are made to feel bad about being single, even if on any other day you’d embrace it. I don’t see how this day can be considered a good thing.

As I mentioned above, being in a relationship requires putting in the dedication and effort to make it work. We often times forget that, and it’s as result of this that some relationships fail. We allow ourselves to feel the initial rush of exhilaration when we first date someone and when this wanes off (which it will, it can’t last forever but instead transitions into something much more beautiful) we take it as a sign of “this isn’t the right person.” Sometimes it isn’t, but sometimes it’s just a lack of perspective from our end. We’ve seen too many movies, read too many books that tell us what it should look like rather than what it ACTUALLY looks like.

I don’t claim to be a relationship expert, clearly, since I am single right now, so you are entitled to tell me I have no idea what I am talking about. However, I’ve been in my fair share of relationships (some good, some bad, all enlightening), am the product of parents who have been happily married for 34 years, and have watched my friends go through almost every kind of romantic situation one can imagine, so I do think I have enough perspective that I can write about them. And write about common mistakes we make whilst in them…

Getting Lazy/Taking Someone for Granted: Once we figure out we like someone, we’re usually on our best behavior. We put in effort, we show we care, we make sure the person we’re with knows how great we think they are. We do this because we don’t want to lose them, we want to solidify the union. But once stability is established a lot of times we begin to slip. We assume that since we have the person that we’ve won. But it doesn’t work like that…while it’s impossible to keep up the initial frenzy and whirlwind, to let initiative die out completely is a serious fail. We need to continue in our efforts to charm and seduce the one in our life. Even the most secure, confident people want to know that they are cared about, and that they are important. They want to know that what they’re feeling is reciprocated. I understand that we’re all busy, and we all have lives but maintenance (while essential) doesn’t have to be overwhelmingly time consuming. It can be as simple as an email, or a text, or a voicenote, just to say hi and you’re thinking of them. (If that is too cliché then include a reason why. Example: “I saw a woman fall down the stairs and it made me think of the time you wiped out when running to catch the subway. “ or “I read a really interesting article/book that I think you’d like, I’ll send you the link/you can borrow it.”) It really is as simple as that. Also, listen to what they want. If something is important to someone you care about (and it’s not completely ridiculous) then what’s the harm in indulging that?

Criticism/Trying to Change Them: I’m of the mindset that the people we surround ourselves with are supposed to make us feel better about ourselves, not worse. The people in our lives should be our champions, our supporters, those who know us and love and accept us for who we are. I am not trying to suggest that our loved ones indulge us to the point of denial; we should be challenged, and told when we’re wrong but for the most part, we should have people in our lives who ACTUALLY like us, not who they want us to be. If you’re annoyed that someone leaves every cupboard door in the kitchen open, or if they fall asleep mid text/bbm/whatsapp conversation, those little things are normal, growing pains in a relationship. They’re fixable. Even bigger things like you don’t like them jumping to conclusions or certain comments or actions they make. Those things are fine, they’re called compromise. But it’s when it becomes bigger. I knew a guy once who claimed to have a crush on me, but in (almost) every conversation we had, he would tell me things about myself I needed to “change” and “improve” …one or two were (slightly) valid but most were things that I hadn’t been told before and that no one else seems to have a problem with. When I mentioned this, he told me they just didn’t want to stand up to me. He told me that he didn’t buy the phrase, “This is who I am…” He refused to listen to any logic or input from my side. He’d made up his mind so unless I was willing to agree with him, my words fell on deaf ears. So instead of fighting it, I just stopped speaking to him. I don’t need people in my life whose idea of caring is tearing me down. While I don’t pretend to be perfect, I have enough people in my life who adore me as I am that I don’t really have room for those who don’t.

Playing Dirty: Once you become close with someone you begin to understand the way they think. You know how to deal with certain moods and situations, and the subjects to highlight and avoid. For the most part, you use this information to keep the relationship on a high, but sometimes, when you’re angry/hurt/frustrated it’s used as ammunition. Just because you know exactly what to say to someone to hurt them doesn’t mean you should do it. I know it’s tempting, they did XYZ so they “deserve it”, but one thing I have learned is hurting someone does NOT make you hurt any less, and it rarely brings any kind of validation. Fights are part of EVERY relationship (and breakup) but they don’t have to be nasty, they shouldn’t be. Fighting dirty results in irreparable damage, even after the gloves are put away. People don’t forget what was said “in the heat of the moment” nor will they ever truly accept that you “didn’t mean it,” They’ll always believe that there was an element of truth in your words. Learn how to fight without hurting, how to fight productively, how to use the fight to progress the relationship, not tear it apart. (Tips: don’t yell, stay calm always, stay on focus-don’t bring up unrelated random grievances mid argument, don’t attack or accuse, be clear in explaining what you’re upset about and why, expressing how it makes you feel, let the other person talk and actually listen to them, if they start getting nasty change the tone back, remember that everyone is different and that you have chosen this person for a reason-try and love and accept them, give them a chance to work on it, it won’t and can’t happen overnight, If you say it’s over and are moving forward, actually do it. Drop it. Do not revisit over and over)

Jealousy: Ah the green eyed monster, it can destroy so much, yet is so unnecessary. Jealousy springs from insecurity and I just can’t fathom why one would allow themselves to feel insecure about a relationship that they’re in. It is not obligatory to be in the relationship, you’re in it because you want to be, so why get jealous and insecure? When I’m into someone, I don’t want anyone else, and if I start wanting someone else, I see that as a major red flag and reevaluate the relationship. Jealousy is a MAJOR deal-breaker for me, it is one of the few things I am unrelenting on. Not only am I a natural flirt, but I’m very good friends with almost every guy that I’ve ever been romantically involved with. We talk a lot and spend time together (I am always open about this), but there is nothing “there” anymore. Things ended for a reason and those reasons are still relevant. No reason to be jealous. Same thing with other parties that you meet out. Look at it this way: there is a reason that you’re with this person, and it’s because they’re awesome. So chances are, others will notice it as well. Laugh it off, they’re with YOU. That being said, don’t be so deluded that you assume that everyone wants your significant other, yes they’re great, but everyone has different tastes. Don’t give ultimatums, don’t stalk, don’t threaten other parties or try and throw your weight around. Sit back and relax. When you’re with someone, you have to assume that they want to be with you. (Assumptions are usually bad but in this case, they’re not, they’re essential!!!) Trust the person you’re with, give them enough respect and consideration….oh, and work on your insecurity issues. They’re not attractive.

Blame: It’s so easy to pass blame and judgment on something, and even easier to focus our attention on the wrong thing. No one is perfect, and people are going to do things to disappoint us but casting blame on the wrong person or thing is delusional. Sometimes you have to accept that YOU are the wrong one, and take responsibility for that. It’s not easy to say you’re wrong, admit a weakness, but to not do so results in serious issues for others and yourself. Another form of blame is “the other person.” Not that your significant other should be unfaithful to you, but in the event they are, you have to be realistic about the situation. I have never been one to condone blaming “the other woman.” If I am dating someone, my responsibility to them is to behave respectfully and to be faithful. It is not another guys job to do it for me. Same if I hook up with someone who has a girlfriend (not something I would do but let’s be hypothetical here) …am I the wrong one? No. It is HIS responsibility to be faithful, not mine. I don’t owe her anything. (On a side note, I believe hooking up with someone in a relationship is one of the highest forms of self degradation, no one deserves to be second best) The only exception to this is if you are friends with the person whose significant other you are hooking up with. It is your responsibility AS A FRIEND to behave with integrity.

Manipulation/Guilt Tripping: The ultimate form of passive aggressive behavior is guilt tripping someone into feeling and behaving a certain way. Doing so is unhealthy and damaging and the same can be said for manipulation. Why not just be honest? Be direct about what you want and how you feel and accept the outcome.

The Past: Even though it already happened, we spend so much time focusing on the past rather than leaving it where it belongs. What’s done is done and we can’t control it or change it, so why the fixation? Whether it be a past argument or our significant others past before they met us (example: How many people have you slept with?) focusing on it is unnecessary and negative. Leave it where it belongs and focus on the present.

Monogamy: For some people, monogamy is a dirty word, and impossibility, but hopefully you are not dating that person. Actually that’s unfair, to each their own, but most people like being in a relationship where monogamy is part of the equation. I’ve heard that it isn’t realistic or sustainable, that humans just aren’t built that way, and I think while it is a challenge, to use that excuse is laziness. But then again, I'm not married, however, for me it’s like this, if you love someone, they should be enough. They deserve that. If you want to be with other people, than don’t be in a relationship. Play the field. There is NOTHING wrong with that, just so long as it’s done in a proper setting and when you’re single. Monogamy isn’t so much about physically being with someone but having that trust, that connection, that stability that makes a relationship so precious. To break that alters things. That being said, we are human, we do make mistakes and sometimes we slip up. I am no exception, I will openly admit to having cheated on a boyfriend, something I wish I could take back because it not only hurt him but it damaged my perception on myself, and though he has…I have not yet been able to forgive myself. There is the age-old debate about what we do if we slip…do we come clean to the person? Or hide it from them? I’m of the belief that to disclose such information is selfish. That we do it to relieve our own guilt by passing on the hurt to somebody else. I believe if it was truly a mistake, one that you regret and can say won’t happen again, then keep it to yourself. Deal with it. Sure you’ll feel bad, but you should. It’s YOUR problem, no one elses. (I am aware that A LOT of people will disagree with me on this one)

Third Parties: Last time I checked, relationships tend to be between two people, yet somehow this can multiply and you’re dating the person you’re with, their best friend, and their entire family. We tend to involve people in our most personal business when they have no place being there. For one thing, there are always two sides to every story, and unless you and your +1 are having an equal sharing moment, the conversation will be biased. If we’re really honest with ourselves, we usually don’t call up our best friend to gush, “You will not believe how AMAZING (name) is! …..” we call to complain, and mention something negative. And what happens then? Unnecessary and preconceived notions. Opinions are formed that are not necessarily fair and there will be a negative undertone in that persons mind henceforth. They will always think about the bad things you said, even after you get over it and move on (which, in most cases, we tend to do quite rapidly)but you have now planted a seed which will only perpetuate with time. I am by no means suggesting that you refuse to share information with those nearest and dearest to you, because it’s important to have a support network outside of your relationship, but be careful about what you disclose and how you disclose it. Take into consideration what the listener is going to hear and how they’ll interpret it.

Compromise: When you're in a relationship, you automatically become part of a unit, a partnership and with this means foregoing complete selfishness. You can no longer do exactly what you want and when you want, because you have someone else to consider. This shouldn't be a burden as you have CHOSEN to be in this situation. I'm not suggesting that we become a doormat or lose our sense of self, but rather embrace the conscious decision that we've made. We care about this person, and we want to make them happy, just as we hope they want to please us. This means doing things we wouldn't normally do, making sacrifices and concessions. We have to accept that we aren't always right, and that other people matter. If you can't do this, be single.

These are not the only things to avoid, every relationship has its issues, but they are, I feel, real relationship killers and on many accounts, can be avoided. Being in a relationship with someone you love (or even really like a lot) is something that we should cherish...every day.

Ceylon: How I Fell in Love with Sri Lanka

I fell in love with Sri Lanka before I even passed through immigration. We arrived on the eve Christmas Eve and the clean and bright airport was full of good cheer and carol singers, however it wasn’t just the holiday spirit that instilled good will, it was the whole atmosphere, the vibe of the place and the country. Within minutes of being there, I didn’t want to leave.

My decision to visit this magical country was last minute and slightly serendipitous. Due to a long trip to the US/UK in the fall, I knew I was unable to make the long haul to spend the holidays with my family, and when my Thailand plans fell through, I’d resigned to a Christmas in Hanoi. However, as the date grew nearer (and the weather began to turn nasty) I felt the familiar feeling creeping up, I needed to get away, and impulsively (like many of my decisions) booked a week in Sri Lanka.

It’s one of the better travel decisions that I’ve made.

The first time Sri Lanka ever seriously popped up on my radar was July 2010. (Obviously, I knew about the country’s history and followed the civil war) What I mean by popped up is the notion of it being a country I could realistically visit . I was sitting in The Kuala Lumpur airport with my friend Jenny, waiting to fly back to Hanoi on the six am flight. There were two flights leaving at that time, side by side, one to Hanoi and one to Colombo. Jenny and I joked about what if we got on the wrong flight and then made some silly little pact that we’d go there. Though truthfully, I never thought I would. Don’t get me wrong, it seemed cool, but there were so many other places that were on my “travel to-do list” before Sri Lanka. A year later, one of my closest friends got a job in Colombo, imploring me to visit her, so I figured why not?


I had no idea what to expect when I arrived, and perhaps my lack of expectations is what made the experience much more magical. I had no preconceived notions, no plans….I was just ready to soak up everything the country had to offer.
Colombo is a city that boasts culture and old world charm/history while managing to be modern, organized and internationally diverse. As a traveler (or expatriate) it is very manageable and uncomplicated to navigate and explore…and has anything and everything to offer.

Our first day was spent poolside at the historic Galle Face Hotel, whose beautiful view and prime location make it a popular hangout for the expats in the city. From there we had our Christmas Eve dinner at Gallery Café, an enchanting, aesthetically pleasing café with mouth watering international cuisine. At our table we had Americans, Swiss, Vietnamese, French, Japanese, Brazilian amongst others, which kind of reinforced one of the main reasons I enjoy living life abroad. I am always in a multicultural environment, listening to ideas and stories from different perspectives and backgrounds.



Sri Lanka is one of these countries that despite being small in size, has vast appeal geographically. You want a city? It’s there. The beach? Hundreds. Mountains? In the centre. Ancient cities? After Colombo, my travel companion (Anemi) and I headed, with our new Sri Lankan friend, to Sri Pada (aka Adam’s Peak,) a five hour drive east. Once we got out of the city limits, we entered Hill Country, and were surrounded by plush green and passed tea plantation after tea plantation. Sri Lankan tea is the best in the world. That’s a bold statement, I know, but as a tea connoisseur, it’s a statement I can make with a great amount of confidence.



Adam’s Peak is 7,359 ft (2,243 metres) tall known for the "sacred footprint" rock formation near the summit, believed in Buddhist tradition it is held to be the footprint of the Buddha. It is an important pilgrimage site, and the (approx four hour climb) traditionally begins at 2am to arrive at the top before sunset.
I was worried about this.

I don’t make any pretenses about being a climber, nor did I bring any appropriate clothing for the hike, but a few trips to a shopping centre and a desire to see this glorious site drove me up the mountain, resting every half an hour. I am so delighted that I did, the sense of accomplishment was fantastic and the view was breathtaking. It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen before and strangely powerful. While the top was filled with other tourists, there was a mix of Sri Lankans who had made the pilgrimage and whose presence gave the whole experience a spiritual feel.


The walk down was considerably more difficult than the way up. Perhaps it was the exhaustion finally hitting or that the climatic moment was over but it seemed to go on much longer than desired and energy levels were waning. We finally made it, had lunch and were on our way back to Colombo. We couldn’t walk properly for days, so it was fortunate that our next stop was down south to Unawatuna beach, a place where we could just unwind and relax.

We’d heard stories about the local buses so I was prepared to be shocked but, maybe on account of living in southeast Asia for two years, I didn’t find it to be anything stunning. The bus was crowded, no doubt about that, and there was no room for our bags so I had to but mine on the floor and have my legs up against my chest for the three hour journey. That was not the best thing as they were still tight from my climb, and I practically fell out of the bus on account of not being able to walk.

Galle Fort (reminded me so much of Hoi An) and Unawatuna Beach is where we spent the next few days, wandering around, looking at the architecture, discovering little things that made this area so unique and so exquisite. It was an area that was hard hit by the tsunami and I spent several hours with a man who had lost half of his family in this tragedy.


The people of Sri Lanka are friendly and positive, welcoming and kind. They are proud of their country and like to show it off. For the most part, the people I met while traveling and ambling about didn’t have an agenda other than to talk to me and share their stories, experiences and the beauty of the country that they love so much. Their affection for the place furthered my adoration for the country and everything it has to offer.



I obviously can’t talk about Sri Lanka without touching on the food there, which was divine. The spices, the curries, the sweets…all of which are eaten by hand. Your right hand, by the way. Eating with your hand goes against everything I’d been taught about proper decorum, but once I got used to it, I enjoyed the experience, mixing the different dishes on my plate and savoring each bite.


Also world renowned for it’s gems, I picked up a few trinkets that I will cherish.

When I left, seven days after I’d arrived, it was with regret that I didn’t have more time. I wanted to see so much more, absorb other experiences. I started looking into ways that I could move there and work there. I felt such an energy and connection to this place that I, prior to this journey, had never expected to go to.

I have every intention of returning some day, sooner rather than later, and maybe it won’t be in a long term capacity, but I know that I need to enjoy its splendor some more.

If you ever get the chance to go, don’t hesitate, book your ticket, get on a plane, and fall in love.

Much Too Much: How to Lose a Game Without Even Playing

In my second year of university, the boys who lived next door to us watched "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" on a frequent basis. (Either they REALLY liked the film, or it was their "go-to" movie to watch when they had a girl over. For the record, my friends "go-to" was Mighty Ducks---I mean how OBVIOUS IS THAT?) I'm pretty sure that, hearing it played through the wall over a dozen times in one month, I have the entire film memorized. (For those of you who haven't seen it, the story is that a playboy makes a bet with his friends that he can make a girl fall in love with him in two weeks and a girl is writing an article about the "don'ts" of a relationship and does everything wrong to "lose" him but since they're unknowingly paired with each other, a romantic comedy ensues.)

The premise of the film is interesting because when we first meet someone and get together with them, there are all of these "rules" on how we should play it, how we should or shouldn't act. We play these games for a while until the true colors of our personality come out but, by then, we hope that the person we're involved with likes us enough to overlook these idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. I've always been EXCELLENT at the initial meetings---luring someone into being interested in me is like second nature, and once I'm in a relationship, I'm also great: easy going, no games, relatively undemanding and a great person to date. But it's that in-between stage, the grey area that I, and a lot of others, seem to have trouble with. (I'm awkward and often times I do "the wrong thing" in this stage. I'm not going to get into anecdotes but if you've dated me, you know what I am referring to. However, I'm lucky, I tend to find guys who overlook my classic behavior, or seem to know that it's just a result of the insecurity that being in-limbo brings) We meet someone we like, so how do we go from the first spark to a relationship? Here are, in no particular order, some relationship killers.

1. Over Exposure: We're always told to leave one wanting more. But that is SO HARD when you are excited by someone. You want to hang out with them and talk to them as much as you can, because it's fun and it makes you feel butterflies. However, this is bad to do, because then the mystery starts to disappear, and things go from being exciting to being mundane.

2. Over Communicating: People are so different in the way they communicate, some are attached to their mobile device (me!) and some don't look at their phone for days. If two opposites meet then it's easy for things to go from delightful to dismal in the blink of an eye. I tend to message a lot, to everyone, and those who know me know that this is an intricate part of who I am, but when faced with a new person what do I do? Do I hold back and ease them into it? (That kind of feels like false advertising?) Or do I just be myself and potentially overwhelm someone? The "right" answer is the former, to pace oneself and "play it cool" ---the attractive person you met may lose sight of what they thought was great about you with your over-exuberant communicating. They'll go from being excited to hear from you to being annoyed, or worse, stalked.

3. Over Sharing: When you like someone, you want to know them and you want them to know you, but you can't just tell them everything, because where's the fun in that? As difficult as it may be to hold back on your life story and past, it is imperative to practice discretion. As the relationship progresses, these things will emerge eventually...so take a deep breathe and save the tell-alls for your friends. Oh and, probably better to not share with them that you've told your mom/best friend/coworkers about them. (My NYC friends and I used to have a rule, which I probably shouldn't share but will anyway. The rule is: "It's ok to be crazy, but don't be crazy to the person you're crazy over. Act out to your friends. They already know and love you. plus, they can remind you that you're, BEING CRAZY")

4/4.5. Over Analyzing/Complicating: I think this is more of a female trait then men. Maybe it's because by definition, women are more complex and men tend to be simple (generalization) so we, as women, want to know what things MEAN. "He said he wants to hang out...does he really mean it?" "He said, 'sounds good', what does that mean?" Often times, it probably means: he wants to hang out with you or that it sounds good, but when we like someone, we lose sight of the rational and logical. I know I don't sit around trying to decode messages from my friends so why do it for a love interest? Doing so only drives us a bit insane, and results in more erratic behavior that can be perceived as crazy or annoying. We spend so much time analyzing that we forget to be ourselves, which is a shame, because who we are is what the person liked to begin with.

5. Over-Defining: While the initial first weeks of a new thing can be the most exciting they can also be the most stressful, because we want to know where the other person stands, if they're on the same page. There are several ways to do this: Ask (which will often scare the person) Play games (which will annoy the person and exhaust you) or nothing (and see what happens.) The last one is the best option for sure, but it's not really that easy, because if we really like someone, we want to know what they think of us, how they feel. So we try and define it to give us some sense of security and understanding, we devise ways to figure things out rather than just letting them happen, and enjoying it for what it is. Talking about feelings and what you are too soon will (most likely) RUIN the relationship. The fact is, if someone is into you, it's obvious. The way they interact and behave with you will demonstrate that. In fact, I think seeing how someone treats you is a much bigger indicator than hearing them tell you how much they like you. Resist the urge to get the definition, resist the urge to find out if they're dating/hooking up with other people. Chances are, if they like you, they're probably not, and all of this will be revealed in a more time appropriate moment, or it'll unfold naturally.

6. Over Inclusiveness: When I'm in a serious relationship, I tend to keep a lot of the details private. I believe, as we should, that relationships are between two people. This isn't saying that I never tell my friends anything, but for the most part, I value the sanctity of what's between me and this other person. However, in the "getting to know you" phase, friends are crucial, who else can we bounce ideas off of, or go to for advice? Since we don't know what's going on we turn to a third party to help decipher. Relying on friends is great, but should be done with caution. Our friends aren't really a part of the situation, and while they (should) have our best interests at heart, can lead us astray with presumptions and preconceived notions. This can really only be helpful if the friend knows both parties involved, but then it's unfair to put them in that position.

7/7.5. Over-Eagerness& Over-Planning: Being constantly available is a turn off, people like to feel like they've accomplished something, and if you don't make them work for it, they get bored. Most people enjoy a little bit of a challenge. I'm not suggesting that you intentionally blow someone off (that's rude) but making them a priority right away is never a good thing. Keep your life the same as it was before, but make room for them when there is. When first involved with someone, we do like to imagine certain scenarios with them: nights out, weekends away, trips etc but we shouldn't put too much weight or hope into these things. You can't meet someone and expect that in a month they'll want to go on a camping weekend with you. If, after a few weeks of hanging out, you then suggest it, they'll probably be more receptive, but if they're not then they're not. It's better to assume that they're not and be pleasantly surprised than hurt and disappointed. The latter is an irrational response and they're likely to be turned off by it and scared that things are moving too quickly/are too serious. If you have dinner plans with a friend but your person of interest asks you out, don't rearrange your friend time. Go to dinner. Don't spend the whole night texting. Having a life is sexy.

8. Over-Idealism: When liking someone, we see the good, we get our hopes up. I'm not saying that we should all be cynics because that negative vibe is easily picked up and not exactly compelling, but please be realistic. As stated above, if someone likes you, you'll know. They should make it fairly obvious. If you feel like you are the only one putting in effort or caring then you probably are. Be realistic, don't look at it over-analytically. A good trick is to pretend your circumstance is that of a friends, and imagine they are telling you about it. What advice would you give them? Ok good, now follow it.

9. Over-Reacting: We tend to be more hypersensitive regarding a love interest. We take what they say and do much more seriously than we should and what was probably intended by them. Our overreaction to basically nothing serves as a massive repellent. Relax, and ask yourself how you'd feel if the same thing came from a friend of yours. If you'd still be upset/freaked out/confused, then fair enough, act on it. If not, then weigh that heavily.

10. Over-Apathy: I know I've spent the past nine definitions saying that we're supposed to be normal and play it cool but there is an extent to that as well. We can't let the person feel like we're not interested or don't care. If we do that than any (normal) person will lose interest and stop contacting us. We have to make sure the person knows that we care and are into them, just without being overwhelming. Also, over-apathy sets precedents for other behavior. I have known people who told their love interest "I don't care if you see other people" but as time went on, started caring. Or they always cared, but wanted to seem cool but the other person didn't see it like that, they took it to mean that they actually didn't care. Don't say anything you don't mean (LYING IS BAD), don't purposely seem disinterested (there is a huge difference between genuinely busy and not interested) Find a balance of maintaining your life and sense of dignity but making the other person feel special and important.

The way you play it can make or break a connection. Though as I said, my awkwardness in the middle stages should've ruined a good thing but didn't. I guess the truth is, that if you really like someone, or see potential... these things really won't matter. Personally, I don't really like games, though there was a time I was a master at them. I stopped playing them a while ago, and have had great success relationship wise, but still though, I wonder if perhaps there's something to be said for them.

Oh and, drunk dials/texts/emails. Never good. Ever. Even in a committed relationship (I think every guy I've ever dated is screaming "HYPOCRITE!" right now, but really, I've gotten much better. My last boyfriend basically broke me of that habit, simply because I liked him enough to stop)

Authors Note: I've been writing a lot about relationships recently, which some of you have been a big fan of (yay) but some have sent me messages reminding me that this is a blog about Vietnam. To the latter, I see your point, kind of. However, my blog is about life, not only in Vietnam, but in general. While I do have things to write about (Christmas and New Years travels and Tet, which I will get to within the next few weeks) I can't keep writing about motorbike accidents or shock and awe that I encounter because, as I've said before, these things are ingrained in my daily life, they're as routine as say, going to the supermarket (which as we know in Vietnam is actually an adventure in its own right)

In fact, if one thing has been made so abundantly clear from all of my living experiences it's that human nature doesn't change. From the Queen of England to a street child in a tiny Cambodian village, we as people, have the same needs, and fundamentally the same wants. Aside from the obvious, food, shelter, health etc, people are driven by passion and emotion-whether it be for their job, their religion, their country, or another person-I haven't come across someone yet who doesn't covet something, who doesn't search for security and stability and want to love and be loved. As vast as the range of people are, it is humbling to remember that we are all basically the same.

So, while this isn't a relationship blog, I've been writing about relationships, because they're a big part of the my life, and big part of most peoples. I find them fascinating. For those of you who agree, I'm glad. For those who don't, just skip the posts about them and read the ones about Vietnam and travel (upcoming: different opportunities, Mui Ne, Saigon, Sri Lanka)

(Thanks DH for the conversation over disgusting instant noodles that resulted in the idea for this post.)

Check Mate: How to Spot A Coyote

*amended January 28th. **amended on January 29th ( Thanks to my fave coyote)

Like 90% of people out there, I broke my New Years resolution. I am disappointed because I usually have an iron will and strong resolve but even I slip up, especially if it is romantically. Try as I may, I am useless at ignoring the chance at a connection with someone.

To say I’ve never been involved with a coyote would be untrue, but the difference between me and some of my female counterparts is that I don’t thrive on the drama and games. Once I realize something is amiss, I’m out. I don’t want to hear apologies or explanations. Getting a chance with me is not an easy thing to do, blowing your chance with me is just plain idiotic, and I don’t have time for morons.

When I come across a coyote, I don’t usually get angry or sad. I don’t yell at them, because I see no point. They are completely and utterly not worth the time and effort. I become disgusted with their complete lack of propriety and disregard for considerate behavior. The problem with coyotes is that they can be difficult to spot. They are not actually the obvious playboys who brag about their conquests, those are easy to spot therefore not dangerous. I actually respect them for their honesty even if I don’t like their behavior. No, the bad coyotes are the ones who pretend to be something they’re not…who put on the face of someone kind and good. Who go through the necessary steps to make it look like they care just to get to their end goal, and are usually carrying on side lives.

They’re the worst kind of person, and while there are many varietals and different tricks I have identified some MAJOR INDICATORS to spot them:

1. There is a purse in their room and they say it’s their mothers. It’s highly probable that it’s not. (Same thing if you’re in a woman’s room and you find a man's watch, shoes etc)

2. They ask you to “not mention anything” to your friend who knows their friend or housemate. Chances are they are hiding your interaction for a reason, and the reason is NOT the allure of a clandestine affair.

3. When hearing that you plan to go to a major event/party at a certain venue, they suddenly claim to want to stay in, it’s likely that they don’t want to be SEEN THERE WITH YOU. Why? Because someone is there that they’re romancing.

4. They refuse to meet any of your friends.

5. They claim PDA makes them uncomfortable (what makes them uncomfortable is if they are seen by someone)

6. They leave the room to answer certain phone calls, despite taking some in front of you.

7. When it comes to spending time with you that won’t result in hooking up, they feign illness or another emergency. Whether it be explosive diarrhea, suddenly feeling dizzy or some other ridiculous ailment that showed no signs before and would probably disappear instantly if you started taking your clothes off.

8. They don’t want any photos of them taken.

9. They come up with convenient and believable excuses why they can’t hang out, like their family is in town. This is plausible initially, but when it becomes a pattern it’s pretty likely that it’s a lie. But how can one argue with that? No, it gives them the ability to be busy, not answer their phone, and spend time with the other people they are duping.

10. When you point blank ask them about the nature of your relationship, or their other dalliances they become evasive OR give you the answer you want to hear but then display abrupt changes in behavior. They’ll stop picking up their phone, answering texts, and the big one: they’ll only talk to you during the day. If they’re really good at being a despicable human being, they’ll throw you tidbits, like a thoughtful email, just so you don’t suspect anything major yet.

11. They only respond when you send them something suggestive.

12. You hear they are dating someone from multiple sources but they deny it and implore you to trust them and not believe everything you hear. They may even turn it around on you and ask you why you’re so negative, why you always assume the worst, thus making you feel like it’s your fault.

13. They don’t care if they haven’t seen or spoken to you in a while.

14. They change their statement of intentions based on your reaction.

15. They will sweet talk and make plans with you you over email, text, instant message, and these messages may even border risqué…however these plans never come to fruition.

*16. The morning after an encounter they usher you out of their place/leaves yours in a hurry citing that they need to get some "online banking" done. (Uh, don't you have a laptop?)

**17. They reference how YOU feel about them but never exactly tell you where they are

**18. They play you a cheesy song (example: "I will always love you") for you on their phone and proclaim this as an amazing song that they "really, really love" (This can only apply to men I think)

**19. They inform you about a life situation they are going through, making you feel feel compelled to help them through it and be there for them, but at the same time providing them the excuse to behave badly or erratically and blame it in something else.

**20. If they are a man they tell you they always wanted to be a fireman because they like to throw things over their shoulder.

These things SHOULD be obvious red flags but sometimes we over look them. My problem is that I am a good person, I care about people. I don’t misrepresent myself nor do I ever make my feelings or intentions difficult to interpret. So I make the mistake of assuming that others are like me, that they have common decency. I have also been blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) by dating incredible men. Each more remarkable than the last. My last boyfriend was as close to perfect as someone can get (he hates when I say that, so if you’re reading this, I’m sorry but it’s true) and I’ve been spoilt. I’ve been exposed to wonderful, inherently good guys who treat me like I’m the most precious commodity in the world. They are the reason I believe in love, that I take chances, and why I see the world through idealistic rose colored glasses. They are behind my reasoning that good guys exist and that we can be in healthy and happy relationships with no games, no drama, no lies, no hurting. But they have also made me a bit naïve.

Luckily for me, I live in Asia so January 1st isn’t actually New Years. New Years was actually January 22nd…which means I get a whole other shot at this whole “time for myself” thing.

On a side note, this is not gender specific, some of the worst coyotes I know are women.

Two Years in Hanoi: The Little Things

January 14th marked two year anniversary in Vietnam, a milestone I can honestly say that I never envisioned occurring. It's funny how life works, we make all of these plans for ourselves, but it rarely plays out exactly how we see it.

I am not going to write a blog about the magic of Hanoi and how it has managed to lure me in, making it seemingly impossible to leave. I, and many others, have done that before. I'm also not going to talk about the little restaurants I enjoy discovering or the friends I've made. I admit I am not as in awe of the city that I used to be, not because it isn't completely enlightening and wonderful, but because it is my home, and things feel normal and every day for me now. (I like this)

Although Vietnam life has become routine for me (I am no longer shocked by things such as four people and two chickens on a motorbike, and I am only mildly disgusted when I see a man hack up a massive ball of phlegm and spit it on the street) there are certain little things that occur here that have the most remarkable affect on me; things I find awesome and annoying at the same time.

TRAFFIC

Annoying: It's crazy. There is no rhyme or reason. People burst out from tiny alley ways, they drive on the wrong side of the road, they don't stop at red lights. It's every man for itself.

Awesome: I got my provisional license when I was 15 years old, and the whole system was so regimented that I couldn't help but want to break out and do something crazy. Hit the car in front of me, drive down a no car zone...and now I can. The streets here can be confusing, and sometimes they do turn into one ways or say not to turn, but to follow those rules would mean a) getting lost or b) adding 10 minutes onto your journey. I love that I can (and do) just ignore the rules if they don't apply to my particular journey. And driving on the side walk is exhilarating. (I really hope my parents aren't reading this)

BILLS

Annoying: Someone comes to the door unexpected. Never on the same day, never at the same time. The doorbell rings (15 times) and then I am told I owe X amount for Y bill. I rarely have cash on me so this can be slightly inconvenient.

Awesome: This is a lazy persons dream. You don't have to do anything. Yes, in the age of online bill pay all you have to do is click a button. You can even sign up for automatic bill pay. But for those who don't do automatic bill pay (like me, because I never know what my balance is) it just makes it THAT much less work. No logging on, clicking anything, verifying (has anyone ever paid an online bill for Time Warner Cable, they ask you to verify your identity so many times....I wanted to be like "I'm PAYING you money, why are you giving me the 5th degree?") just a simple and quick transaction and you're set.

THING STREET

Annoying: If I have a whole day of shopping to do then it takes me ges because, unless I want to spend a lot of money at somewhere like Vincom, I have to run around town to ten different places to get my errands done. It's exhausting.

Awesome: Almost everything I could possibly want is available in Hanoi. Not only that but I have an abundance of options. Not only do I have all of these options but I don't have to spend a lot of time shopping around for the same product. The reason why? Because all of the stores carrying this product are next to each other. I can hop from shop to shop comparing prices and products, bargaining (if that's allowed) and it actually makes me a smarter shopper When I bought a new computer (in the US) my father and I drove to three different places to compare, each place was about 45 minutes away from each other, it made me feel impulsive, like I wanted to buy the first one I saw just to avoid the hassle of traveling all day. However when I bought my new camera in Hanoi I went to just as many shops and looked at dozens of cameras but the whole process took an hour.

WAITING IN LINE:

Annoying: I spoke about this in a previous post.It aggravates me when people cut in line. Since my post though, I followed the advice of people and started being firm when someone got in front of me. Never rude, but just taking back my rightful place. Is it annoying that I have to do that? Kind of, but generally I am grumpy anyway because I hate waiting in line.

Awesome: I am a bit embarrassed to admit it but I have been known to be one of those line cutters. Actually this only happens when I am at the Viettel store (the only bill that I can't pay at home.) I basically walk in, stand in front of the counter, and allow myself to be seen right away.

BARGAINING

Annoying: Why can't things just be one price? Why do Vietnamese get one rate and foreigners get another? A day of shopping in the market is exhausting---and you return home with zero energy and only a handful of purchases.

Awesome: It's the culture here, and it's part of the fun. I love the feeling of bantering back and forth and sealing a good deal...being able to tell my friends, "Look what I got, and it was only X." Some people view it as trying to exploit the foreigners for more money, but bargaining is a major way of living for Vietnamese as well, and let's be serious, what good business person isn't going to try and get the most for their product?

I am not one of these expatriates that believes in complaining that things are different, or that I don't like certain attitudes or elements of the culture. I can't tell you how incredibly angry it makes me when I hear someone insult the people or the country here. I think they should go home. That may be a bold statement, but it's true. It's deplorable. As an expatriate, we CHOOSE to live in another country, and yes, things are going to be challenging, and out comfort zones tested. That's part of what makes the world so wonderful, is that there is such diversity in existence. If you don't like it then move back to where you came from.

Of course there are times that I get annoyed or frustrated but that would be anywhere. These little quirks are part of what make the Hanoi experience so special, they are part of the reason I didn't leave after my planned five months. Hanoi is unlike anywhere I have been in the world, it has similarities to other places in SE Asia, but a certain buzz, a feel to it that separates it from other cities. It is like any other relationship, one with real life and soul-it invigorates, challenges, frustrates and humbles.

Rules of Attraction: My Relationship Definition Handbook

**amended January 17th (I am expecting a few more, especially as I have yet to chat with one of the most LEGENDARY people I know who has some suggestions. You know who you are ;) )
*amended January 12th

Last night, during a conversation with my housemate, the focus shifted to relationships of the romantic kind. She and I are similiar in SO many ways but the relationship forefront we couldn't be any more different. For example: I can't remember the last time I was truly single. Single meaning not involved in any way. I think it was when I was 15, as I started dating my "first real boyfriend", two days before my 16th birthday (and it lasted two and a half years) She, on the other hand, hasn't had a boyfriend since she was 18. She likes it that way. We make for an interesting mix and perspective.

Let me start this with my goal for 2012, my "New Years Resolution" if you will, is to be single. Maybe not for the entire year, but to engage in some strict "me" time, no distractions from the opposite sex. I wouldn't say I am co-dependent, in fact I don't think I am at all, I just like being in a relationship, I love falling in love, and am a sucker for attention :) But I digress, this isn't about my personal history...it's about what transpired during this conversation.

This conversation resulted in my inventing of a new relationship terminology handbook. The terms may sound familiar, but the definitions are my own, and I think they're pretty logical and should be adopted and followed by all. This list came about because Karen (my housemate) was asking me to explain what I wanted. (uhhh...what?) The first thing I did was list a lot of things I didn't want, and as we explored each thing I began labeling them, and we refined it into this list that I have just written out for all.

Some people may think these are stupid. "Why do I need to define what is going on?" they may ask. Maybe they don't. But I do. I am a control freak, I have to have a direction, and understanding. I don't like the grey area, "not knowing" drives me CRAZY. Literally it leaves me feeling a bit unhinged. I am, by all accounts, relatively laid back and stable, unless I am in undefined territory.

The list may grow and develop new phrases but this is what I've got for now, though receptive to input:

**Friend: Why did I ever leave this one out? I guess it seemed arbitrary to include. Do I even need to define what a friend is? Probably not, but I'll attach an addendum that states that the relationship remains strictly platonic always. There is no romantic attraction between these two people and nothing ever "happens." Those around you will always inquire if you've ever thought about it, why you don't like that person, do you think that person is into you. They may even have some kind of wager that "one night" something will. But really, it won't.

*No Fly Zone (NFZ): This is someone that we want but absolutely categorically can not have. Not because they're "out of our league" (does that even exist?) but because it is morally wrong to get involved with them. It could be as simple as the sister of your ex girlfriend, or your good friends ex boyfriend (though speaking from experience, I have had several of my good friends date my exes and I was ok with it) or it could be something more complicated like your boss, your professor, your friends recently divorced but very attractive parent, or the VERY BAD level meaning someones boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/e/husband/wife. The fact that you can't have this person makes you want them all the more, it consumes you. You try and justify ways that it could work, how you could be together. Logic escapes you, as does the fact that not only would this never actually work out but your object of affection (in most cases) has absolutely zero interest in you. Hopefully you are relatively normal (apart from your terrible taste in men/women) and that you keep your lustful yearnings to yourself, broadcasting them will just result in disaster...your ego will be crushed and everyone will hate you.

**Unrequited Love (UL): Ah the age old anguish of the Unrequited Love. Person A (The Adoree) is in love with Person B (The Adored) and Person B does not return the affection. We have all probably had a thing for someone who didn't share our sentiments (what an idiot they are!) but what do you do if this person is a good friend? It happens often. Two friends, one looking at the other as their soulmate while the other will never see them as anything other than a friend. Usually the adored is aware of their friends misplaced affection and it can create some uncomfortable situations. The Adored will try their best to extinguish the burning candle while remaining kind and trying to stay friends. The Adoree will either eventually find someone else (but always hold out hope) or cut off contact because it's too difficult to contain their emotions. (Personally, I believe that the big part of UL is the chase. The Adoree has built up this ideal of the Adored and has them on this unrealistic, unnatural pedestal. If a romantic relationship developed, The Adored could never live up to the expectations and The Adoree would be disappointed.)

One night stand (ONS): Not that anyone needs to know, but I've never done this. But I am compelled to include it in my handbook as many people I know do (hello, backpackers!) a ONS is someone you meet out that night (or day I guess) and go home with, hook up with and never see or speak to again. Unless you awkwardly live in a small city and run into them. (From what I'm told, it's better to pick someone from out of town) A ONS is not necessarily someone you've only hooked up with once, but rather hooked up with the first night you met and never hung out again. If you're friends with someone or have a pre-existing relationship with them and you hook up, even if it's only once, then it's not a one night stand. That's just "Yeah, we hooked up once."

**Casual Encounter (CE): You're at a bar/club/party and you run into someone. You kind of know each other, you always found them to be attractive. One thing lead to another and you're leaving together. You either leave after hooking up or sleep over, it doesn't really matter. When you say goodbye it's friendly and casual. A few weeks later you run into them again and the same thing happens. You never call them or text them. You don't make plans to be at the same place, nor do you really even think about them often. It just happens when it happens. You may not even know their last name. This can also be known as an Occasional Shag.

Booty call (BC): Someone you call only to hook up. You call this person for one reason and one reason only. There is no pretense, no dinner drinks or coffee. There's usually not even breakfast the next day because chances are, a sleepover won't happen. The only exception is 1. if you are out late and tell them to meet you at a bar, have one drink and go home or 2. you pass out after hooking up. Though the respectable thing to do is crawl out of bed as dawn hits, no goodbyes necessary.

Fling: This occurs when you have a very short amount of time with someone. It's not a ONS because you hook up repeatedly and it's not a BC or HUB/FWB because it's not sustainable. It usually occurs on holiday, either you're both on holiday and meet, or one person is on holiday in your city. You enjoy each other for however long you can, both on a personal and physical level but there is no question that the fling itself will end when the time is up. Flings aren't necessarily meaningless, you can develop friendships after, and in the rare occasion it can develop into something more serious, but usually it is what it is.

Hook-up buddy (HUB): It was previously F-buddy, but that sounds so crass, and frankly, I still blush when I talk about these things. A hook up buddy is someone you hang out with soley for the intention of hooking up. You think they're (kind of) cool but really your main focus is sleeping with them. You'll do things like go out for drinks or a meal, but after these activities you always-ALWAYS-go home together and hook up. Sleepovers usually occur, but more as a pretense to make it look like no one is being used (although really, they are) Once the physical side of the relationship ends, so do the hang out sessions. You would not be friends without it.

Friends-with-Benefits (FWB): We hear this phrase a lot but what does it really mean? For me, it's just that...a FRIEND that you hook up with. They key ingredient to this is actually being friends with the person, legitimate friends. You genuinely enjoy their company and spending time with them. Some time, after the friendship is established, you start hooking up, however you don't hook up every time you hang out. If it happens, it happens-if it doesn't then that's cool too. The most important thing is to keep the friendship exactly the same, you don't stop going to lunch or watching movies together just because you're hooking up. You keep everything as is, the only difference is that sometimes you end up in bed together. You don't discuss this, or feelings. However, honesty is important. Lines can get blurred easily and if you feel like you're developing "feelings" for your FWB you have to tell them, so that it can stop. It may get a little weird for a while but they're your friend, so it'll be fine. (People say this is one of the most difficult relationships to pull off. I'm not sure I agree. I think people allow themselves to get too freaked out about what it means or how it's affecting the friendship rather than just leaving well enough alone and going with it. Things are only weird if you allow them to be.)

*Inevitable Friendship Slip (IFS): There is an old saying that men and women can't be just friends, and I think that's ridiculous. Of course men and women can be completely platonic. However, sometimes things happen, you're out with your friend, you're partying, you're drinking (hopefully) and one thing leads to another and you wake up in their apartment with a pounding headache and sickness in your stomach. You've never even THOUGHT about them in "that" way. You swear to yourself that it will "never happen again" (a promise that you'll actually keep) You will most likely spend a significant part of that morning and following weeks being extremely uncomfortable around your friend aka "the mistake"...wondering if you've ruined the friendship, if the other person has been secretly into you all this time, or if they're just as weirded out as you are. I think this the INS is a pretty common scenario and it's sad that friendships are ruined over it, because they don't have to be. Yes, things will feel a bit uncomfortable for a while but that will pass. The trick is not to force anything...unlike FWB you shouldn't pretend like everything is the same. Hope that you were drunk (though a lame excuse because if alcohol were really an excuse we'd be hooking up with everyone whenever we were drunk) Acknowledge the situation, laugh awkwardly, and then spend some time being very busy. The next time you catch up, things will be fine. Just don't, you know, repeat your mistake. Or tell them they were a mistake. That's just mean.

**The Distraction (TD): The Distraction is someone you take into your life because you need them to distract you from a much larger issue. TD's presence in your life makes you focus on them instead of whats really bothering you. Usually when you first meet them, you convince yourself that they're some kind of wonderful but it's usually just part of the overall denial you're engaging in. In fact, if you were really honest with yourself you would realize that you don't even really like TD, but you just keep a hyper focus on them anyway as it's easier than being miserable about something else.

Casual Monogamy (CM): Karen laughed out loud at this one. She said, "There's no such thing." I think she is forgetting that this is MY dictionary so if I want this to exist then it will. I'll admit it sounds a little weird, but just work with me on this one. Casual monogamy is another term for "exclusively hooking up"...but without any of the drama that feelings and a relationship can bring. This kind of relationship occurs with someone that you like, you're interested in as more than a friend but you don't want them to be your "significant other." You spend time together, talk about real things, and hook up but just not have it be serious. Maybe it's because you aren't ready for commitment or maybe there are circumstances keeping a serious relationship from occurring, either way this is low key and relaxed, however you are not ok with them hooking up with other people.

Dating: I have always felt like there is a big difference between dating someone and having them be my boyfriend. Dating is just that, meeting someone you like, and going on dates with them. Usually you are into them and exploring the option of a future so won't do anything stupid like hook up with them too early on. Dating is being interested enough and also receptive to the possibility of a real committed relationship. Feelings develop. On a side note: dating is not exclusive. While you are "dating" someone you are perfectly within your rights to go on dates with other people as this is just an exploratory activity to see if you WANT to be with the person. I wouldn't advertise it but I wouldn't lie about it either. (This is also why it's good not to hook up with people you're dating, because it can get gross of you're juggling) Once you and the person you're dating decide to "make it exclusive" then you're in a committed relationship. I'm sorry, people, but it's true. I know many of you (especially men) have issues with the label "boyfriend" but GET OVER IT...if you're into someone enough to only see them, then that's what you are. It's only scary if you let it be. (On a personal note, dating freaks me out. It feels so formal and contrived. Going on a date for me is totally nerve-wrecking. My last boyfriend tricked me into dating him by not asking me out, just saying things like, "I'm hungry, want to get lunch?" he did this for a while before taking me on a "real date", one that I turned him down for until he explained, "We've been dating for a while, this is no different." which didn't ease my nerves at all.)

Committed relationship (aka boyfriend/girlfriend/partner): These are by far my favorite. The definition is pretty straightforward...a committed relationship is when you like someone enough that you want to be with just them. You adore being in their presence and exploring the world with them. You find them interesting, funny, attractive...they bring out a side in you that makes you feel better and be nicer. You make plans with them, meet their family, and actually do things like picture a future. Maybe there won't be a future but still, you start to factor them into your decisions. You let them see the real you, you fight, you cry, you fall in love. You're faithful. You're honest. Within them you discover new things about yourself without losing who you were in the past (maintaining independence is really important---time and time again I see people go from being awesome to being lame because they're in a committed relationship. I understand that priorities change, that you have to balance more than you used to but it IS possible. I had a boyfriend for four years, we lived together, yet we maintained our own lives. I don't think our friends could complain that they didn't see us. We had "us time" but we also had "me" time. You had a life before, so why give it up?) It's no secret I am happiest in this kind of situation, it mellows me out but it's only a positive experience if both people are equally committed and have the same views. Once it goes awry it's best to walk away.)

**BF-EX: Sometimes two incredible people date, and despite being wonderful individuals, simply can not make a romantic relationship work. It's odd how that happens, how you can like everything about someone but yet once you're with them it just...fails. A BF-EX is someone you used to be romantically involved with, who you have nothing bad to say about (despite breaking up) so are now considered among your closest comrades. These make for the most phenomenal people to have in your life because they know you on a level that very few can. They've seen you at your most endearing and at your failures, which means they can not only offer you great love-life advice, but they're also a fantastic support system. They understand you, and genuinely care about you (as you do them) Things don't feel awkward or taboo with them, and inhibitions are pretty much non existent. When you're with them, you have worlds of fun. Sometimes you may find yourself wondering what it would be like to get back together with them, but you like them too much to ever risk it. (Side note: I'm really good at these)

*Ex-Factor: This is pretty obvious. We break up with a significant other but continue hooking up with them for whatever reason. Exes are rarely exes anymore, are they? Whether you share mutual friends or a passion for sleeping with one another, it's more commonplace these days that exes are a part of our lives. Hooking up with an ex is never a smart idea, even if "we're totally over them" because in actuality, if we're sleeping with them then we're not. Some women I know use their exes as "BCs" because "they don't want to add a number" (I think that's pathetic-does anyone ever care about that anymore?) My primary issues with Ex-Hookups are: a) there are deep rooted feelings somewhere and b) engaging in such activity is giving your ex some kind of power, like they can still have you, and I don't like that. (This might be my own personal neurosis) but then again the Ex has a lot of appeal---we feel comfortable with them, we know their likes and dislikes, we are aware of what we're getting ourselves into (nothing worse than a disappointing hook up session) While we might lack the emotional connection that was once there, it is replaced with some kind of raw animalistic nature that gives us the uninhibitness of a ONS with the stability of a committed relationship. Just be warned: this is never sustainable. Someone will get hurt, usually when the other decides to stop this game.

Engaged: I shouldn't have to explain this one so I won't.

Married: Again. It should be obvious. That being said, my personal view is that: a) it's something I want eventually b) I believe in the sanctity of it c) it should be for life. (unless there are circumstances such as domestic abuse) I could go on about how I believe a marriage should be but I am not qualified yet to discuss it. My views would be idealistic and perhaps not practical.

That being said, this is all hypothetical, since I'm, you know, staying single for 2012. Just thought there should be an across the board even playing field for all.

*Thanks to everyone who has messaged me about this blog, it was great to read all of your comments and hear your thoughts. I'm also glad that my interest in the way relationships work seem to resonate with others. One thing I didn't touch on (which I was asked about) was how to upgrade from one relationship to another (ex: FWB to Committed Relationship) the reason I didn't discuss that is because I have no idea Believe me, I wish I did, but I tend to stumble through a series of repeated errors in my own relationships. I can identify, that's about it.