Monday, April 27, 2015

Rules for Getting Back With An Ex

The hardest part of any relationship is knowing when to end it and then actually doing it. Even if the answer is clear and obvious, we spend a fair amount of time either thinking whether we should, or, after the breakup occurred, what happened. Even if it was our idea, even if it was what needed to happen…we still think about it. And we move on, as one does. However, sometimes, despite all of our thoughts and decision making from before, we decide to give our ex another shot. To see if this time it will be different and we can make it work.

There was a time that nothing could’ve convinced me that getting back with an ex was a good idea. What’s done is done, it ended for a reason, there are so many people out there why be with someone it already failed with? And this is coming from someone who has nothing but good things to say about all but one of her exes. But over the past year, I’ve been around people who have rekindled former relationships (and have been in a situation myself where the idea became an attractive one) so have seen how getting back with an ex CAN work. That ending something doesn’t mean it’s over forever, but maybe we just weren’t ready for that person at that time and we needed the time apart to properly move forward again. So I did some research and found the “recipe for success” when it comes to giving love a second try:

Rules For Getting Back With An Ex:

Objectively look at the breakup:  When we think about previous relationships, we either look back with rose coloured glasses or wonder what we were thinking. If it’s the latter, I highly doubt you’re considering a reconciliation. If it’s the former, then you need to be objective as possible and think about WHY, if the relationship was so great, did it end? Maybe it was long distance, or you were too young and not ready, which are viable reasons (timing and location play a huge part in successful relationships) But maybe it was because you had totally different lifestyles, lacked shared goals, they didn’t prioritize you, or you brought out the worst in each other (to name a few) and if it was for one of those reasons, ask yourself: Is it really going to be different this time? And if so, how?

Talk about the previous issues but then let them go: Following up on this, you’re going to have to talk about it. Now, NO ONE enjoys long, drawn out conversations about the past and what went wrong, and I do believe that these should be kept to a minimum. Rehashing the past only hinders the future. However, at least one conversation covering these issues NEEDS to be had. Not only so you can get them out in the open and work through them, but also so that you can avoid falling into the same problems as before.

Make sure enough time has passed: A significant amount of time needs to have passed before you become romantically involved again. I’m not talking days or months, but a year, at least. You BOTH need the time to reflect, grow, and move on before finding your way back to each other. If anything, it’s so that you can make a coherent and rational decision about giving it another shot, rather than an emotionally driven one.

Ease into it: Most of the time, during the beginning stages of any new relationship, we spend the first few months getting to know the person. We’re not moving in with them or planning a wedding, but spending time with them and figuring out what makes them tick and if we are compatible. Dating an ex is a bit more complicated, because there is history and knowledge there, and it’s very easy to just jump back in and fall into a routine. Not that I have any problem with routines: routines are great, and comforting, and having a sense of stability is a wonderful thing, but you can’t latch onto your previous experiences with someone and transfer them to the present. This is a new relationship, and you’re both (hopefully) different people then the ones you were when you were together before.

Date:  Again, it might be a familiar person, but it’s a different relationship and you need to do all of the things that you would do with someone you just met. It may be tempting to want to order in food and watch Netflix in your apartment every night, but it’s a sure fire way for things to get old fast. You can’t skip out on the excitement that comes with a new relationship because you’ve already been with the person. Go on dates, real dates, laugh, talk, flirt, and spend some time apart.

Figure things out privately before you make any kind of public announcement: This is quite a difficult one, because we, by nature, tend to share with our friends and families what is going on in our life, and dating is one of those things. However, if the person we’re dating is an ex, it’s probably better to hold off sharing that we’re rekindling the relationship, at least initially. This is for several reasons: 1. We need to take some private time with our ex (the talking, dating etc) to see if we’re actually going to be able to make it work, or if it was something else driving us together. The last thing we want to do is explain, again, why it didn’t work out. 2: There will be preconceived notions or options. Some people might be hugely supportive while others might be disapproving. This is natural and would occur with anyone we date actually, but we need to figure out how WE feel about the situation before other people decide how they feel.

Avoid third party involvement: As I said above, our friends and family are going to have an opinion about our choice of romantic partner. And while we are lucky to have people who care about us and are invested in our happiness, at the end of the day it is none of their business. As long as we are competent, reasonable adults, then we are perfectly capable of making our own decisions (from what we eat to who we date) and we can’t allow other people opinions make too much of an impact. Now people may have legitimate concerns: if you ex was abusive, abused substances, treated you badly, or cheated on you etc, this will raise questions and concerns, as they should. But the bottom line is this: If WE have thought it through, and decided to let bygones be bygones, then that’s the only thing that really matters. People who truly love us will respect our decision, behave accordingly (no sniping at us or the ex-turned-current) and stick by us even when we do things they disagree with.

Make sure it’s for the right reasons: Just like embarking on any new relationship, you need to make sure it’s for the right reasons. These are legitimate reasons to be with someone: you genuinely love and care about them, you want what’s best for them, you bring out the best in each other, you make each other happy. Those are all valid and healthy reasons to be with someone. Here some wrong reasons:  You’re scared of being alone, you’re feeling unattractive and need an ego boost, you’re hurt/rejected by someone else, or you’re trying to prove a point (maybe your ex ended things and you want to feel like you have the upper hand.) Those are bad, unhealthy, will likely result in the relationship crashing and burning and above all, very selfish.

Don’t ask for details of in-between:  I have never subscribed to the notion of full disclosure to a partner. I don’t think some things are relevant or the business of anybody else. While I do think it’s good to be aware of certain things (serious long term relationships, how they ended and why etc) I think others (like how many people we slept with or dated or whatever) are unnecessary and frankly destructive to a relationship. What happened in our past should not have a bearing on our present or future. So while it might be tempting to figure out every single dalliance our ex had while we were apart, don't. It will only breed insecurity and cause unnecessary tension. What matters is the now…and the now is that our ex wants to be with us, and us them. So nothing more needed.


Now there is no guarantee that following these steps will result in a happily ever after, but then there is never any certainty when it comes to matters of the heart. In some cases, we might find that all of the reasons we broke up with in the first place are still present, and that we simply wanted to believe that things could be different, that WE/THEY were different. But in some cases, rekindled romances turn out to be the right decision and the right person. The main point is, if we feel it and want it, and think it’s a good and healthy decision, then we might as well go for it. The worst that happens is that it doesn't work out, and getting over them second time around will not only be easier (I mean, we did it before, right?) but will also provide us with the assurance that they aren't "the one that got away" but instead paving the way for the one we're supposed to be with.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

5 Reasons Why Dating in Your 30's is Better than Dating in Your 20's

If I’m to believe books, movies and tv, I should be clutching my blow up doll boyfriend, sobbing, because now that I’m on the other side of 30, I have basically failed. There are, according to these mediums, very few options left, and I might as well exile myself to a life of spinsterhood. I already have two cats, might as well start collecting more J

Thank goodness I don’t believe everything I see/read. When I found myself suddenly single earlier this year, my first reaction was desolation followed by pure and utter panic because I realized that, at some point I’d have to start dating again. I HATE dating, which seems odd, all things considered, but believe me, I do. Or at least I did. Relationships I can do... but dating a non-friend always felt contrived and stressful to me. So I hated it.  But, I'm not sure when, something in me shifted, and I suddenly approached dating in a completely different way than I used to, and I think it’s because I’m older.

Admittedly, in your 30s, there are certain biological issues that start to become more relevant than they were when we were 25. But failing? There being no options left?  Hardly. At least not from what I have seen and experienced, both personally and vicariously.  In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that dating in my 30s has been immensely more enjoyable than dating in my 20s was. (This is not to say that I didn’t adore most of my ex boyfriends. We’re still friends, they read my blog, and they’re terrific.) What makes it better is MY perspective, which has evolved considerably. So I did some research, both asking friends but also reading scientific and psychological reviews and studies confirming that dating in your 30s is a whole different ballgame

5 REASONS WHY DATING IN YOUR 30’s is BETTER THAN YOUR 20s

 More confidence:  Despite the fact that I was consistently awesome on dates (I work in marketing, after all) I always found the whole process incredibly stressful and I’d always be nervous, regardless of whether or not I liked the guy. I was consumed, for mostly ego reasons, with being likeable.  I no longer operate like this. Now I walk in already knowing what I bring to table and am no longer worried about him liking me but rather “Am I going to like him?” I’m 100% myself, unabashedly, take it or leave it. And if it’s “leave it” then I’m totally fine with it. I’m not interested in wasting time on someone who doesn’t like or appreciate me for who I am. This has made the whole process actually fun rather than taxing.

No games:  I’ve never been a game player, but for the sake of the people that are: games subside considerably in your 30s. They’re exhausting, pointless and boring. The older we get the more we realize that finding someone we’re compatible with is a great thing, so we tend to not waste time and just be with them.

Independent: Most of us, when we’ve reached our 30's, have a more established sense of being and our lives. We’re not just starting out at our career, we have our own group of friends and hobbies, which means, usually, we have a strong sense of self and identity. Our relationships aren’t something we need to define us, but rather enhance the life we already have already built for ourselves.

Self awareness: We’re constantly evolving and changing, but in our 30s, we have more self awareness than we did when we were in our early 20s. (I don’t know about you but I am a different person than I was at 25. And thank goodness for that.) Basically: We know what we need and want. Each relationship we have, good or bad, is a learning experience, that we hopefully walk away from better than we walked in. We have figured out what works and what doesn’t, what we like and don’t like, what we want and need. So we don’t waste our time pursuing fruitless or futile endeavours. Our standards are also higher and we are less tolerant and forgiving of bad behavior, and as a result, waste less time. We also obsess less on the little things and focus on the things that actually matter.

Less jaded: Some people might say, “What on Earth is she talking about?!  Failed previous relationships make us MORE jaded.” But I don’t think that’s actually the case. Think back to your first heartbreak: it was devastating, you probably thought the world was going to end and you’d never love again. Now…doesn’t that seem silly? The more breakups we’ve had, the more we know that no matter what….we’re going to be ok and get through it. We WILL move on and find someone better. And that’s pretty powerful knowledge to have. We might, perhaps, be more cautious to enter into a new relationship when we’re older, but I think that’s more due to our standards and not wanting to disrupt our lives as opposed to be afraid.


There are probably people out there who disagree with me and will lament that the dating pool is practically obsolete the older that we get.  There are also people who met their partners/spouses in their teens or 20s who are happily still with them. My parents (who have the best relationship I’ve ever seen) got married at 23. I have countless friends who got married in their 20s and who are in healthy, stable, and enviously loving relationships. And those people are incredibly lucky, but it doesn’t mean that the circumstances for the single 30-somethings are dire. Instead of fixating on the fact that we’re getting older, we should focus on all the great experiences that we’ve had that have shaped and defined us. We should concentrate on all of our successes and strengths. And know that, any relationship we partake in, is with a high quality individual who doesn’t make us feel  like we’re compromising but instead complementing.