Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Burning Down the House: What NOT to Do On a Date



I went on my first "real" date two days before my sixteenth birthday which means I've been in the dating world for just over 13 years. Granted, over 11 of those were spent with a boyfriend (that number scares me actually) but I still know a thing or two about being single. In my 11 years as a girlfriend, I perfected the art of being a great one. There is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that I am an incredible girlfriend, just ask my exes. The fact that we're still friends is a testament to that statement. Being single, though, is a constant work in progress. While being single is exciting and fun, it lacks stability. It’s the land of the unknown. It’s trial and error. It’s exploration, triumphs and failures.

I feel like I learned more in my two years of singledom to make me qualified to write this post. Some of my dates have been incredible and others, not so much. Sometimes things go well and we continue to see each other, sometimes there is no chemistry, or sometimes something happens, a blunder, that derails the process. It’s these mistakes that I am talking about today. Ones that are completely avoidable. Ones that I hope other people can learn from. More importantly, that I actually have learned from. That's kind of the point of writing this, actually.

Listen to outside sources: This is a tough one because it's perfectly natural to want to talk to our friends about our personal life and what's going on in it. I am not saying we shouldn't rely on friends for support and input but we have to be careful what we allow to affect us. We have to make sure we are still of our own mind when making decisions. The bottom line is that relationships are between two people and bringing too many people into the picture confuses things.  Example: Not long ago, I was about to go on a second date with someone that I was REALLY excited about. I was talking about it with a good guy friend of mine who replied, “"Ha! He's good. He's really good, got the game down pat. And you've fallen for it! He might be my new idol." Now, some people may say that my friend is an unsupportive jerk and that I should've ignored him and told him where to go. They're probably right. Logically, I knew I should’ve ignored him, he doesn’t even know the person I was going out with. But the thing is, he's my friend, and a very good one at that, and I trust him. So when he said those things, my giddyness turned into nervousness and I couldn't shake the feeling that my date was just playing a game and that I was stupidly falling for it. To say that it affected my behavior and my date is an understatement.

Rush things: Getting to know someone is a process, it takes more than a few dates to figure out who they are and whether we want to be with them. We may be excited about someone and want to hang out with them more and more, and that’s ok but there is NO REASON to rush into anything. Don’t rush into feelings, labels, or declarations. Give the person a chance to know you and be known themselves. If it’s supposed to happen, it’ll transition naturally.

Overanalyze: I hate to put a gender label on things, and I am sure my feminist good friend will have my head for this, but, women tend to overanalyze more than men. Not saying that men don't, they can and do, but it's a more female quality. We think about things too much: "What does this mean?" "Where is this going" "he didn't reply/call---why?" “Did I do something wrong, should I have said/done X instead?” And instead of my pragmatic and relaxing, we get all wound up and -even worse-jump to conclusions, often negative ones. We also have a tendency to hold someone we’re romantically interested to higher standards than others in our life. If a good friend doesn’t respond to a text we don’t freak out that they don’t like us, we just assume they’re busy. So why get worked up about someone we like? One of my best friends has a theory about this little peanut in our brain. The peanut is where the negative and crazy comes from. That we can acknowledge that the peanut exists but that we don't need to let it rule our thoughts, but instead acknowledge it and, just quickly, dismiss it. Often times, though, the peanut is wrong. It stems from our own insecurities and not from reality.  The peanut is bad. It ruins things, including our sanity

Over share: When we start dating someone, everything is new and that's exciting and bit nerve-wrecking. We're getting to know them and vice versa. That being said: pace yourself, there is no reason for everything to be on the table from the word go. I get that sometimes this can be hard, I know when I get nervous I either talk non stop (Literally almost don't even stop to breathe. I talk about everything and anything, weird, random, inappropriate, irrelevant. Anything. This is uh, not a good tactic) or become silent. I don’t know which one is worse.  Just remember: it's just a conversation...we have them all the time.

Obsess: The beginning stages are intoxicating, a total rush. It's easy to get swept up in the wonder of it all, to become enamored with the adorableness of it all. Try and be realistic and not get too caught up, because that's when we start obsessing, and obsessing is an unattractive, dangerous world, and it makes us do off kilter things. Take a step back and breathe, let things happen.

Play games: I know that we're supposed to "play the game" and I actually just wrote about why that is bad, but people do it anyway. The thing about games is that we become so immersed in them that it can be more about winning than enjoying. So stop playing them. Stop pretending like you don’t care. If you like someone, just like them.

Push someone away to test them: This is on the same spectrum as playing games, but pushing someone away is pretty much ensuring that they’ll actually leave. Opening up and being vulnerable is scary, no one likes the idea of being hurt or rejected but it kind of goes with the territory. It’s a risk, but then again so is getting in a car and we do that every day. I mean, I drive a motorbike in Hanoi which is a pretty dangerous task that I undertake multiple times a day. I’m digressing. The point is, we make choices daily that could affect us in the long term, and we make these choices without giving them a second thought. We push people away because we want to test them, we want them to prove that they’re stable and not going anywhere. We want to find out early on what we’re dealing with. The problem with this, and there are many problems, is that people don’t like being pushed away. They don’t like feeling like they have to fight you every step of the way. Especially in the beginning. The beginning is supposed to be the fun and easy part, not an obstacle course. As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to push and instead be receptive and open and willing.

Try and make someone jealous: Again, also closely related to games, because it is one. Trying to make someone jealous is selfish and immature and pretty much always backfires. If we’re deliberately trying to wind someone up it can only end badly because they’ll either dismiss us and think we’re not worth it or they’ll get jealous and stake their claim and be forever suspicious and possessive, which frankly aren’t good grounds for a relationship

Lose confidence/Be someone you're not: If someone is on a date with you, there are pretty high odds that it's because they're interested in you. YOU. Something about you piqued their interest so why-WHY-come off like someone you're not? Why lack confidence? There is no reason to be insecure, especially since the other person has already validated your awesomeness by asking you out. If you lose your sense of self and your confidence then game over-you lose, you're out. It is, of course, natural to be a little bit nervous but don’t let nervousness get the best of you! Walk into every situation assuming the best, assuming that this person is into you and proceed accordingly. I can safely attest that every date that I’ve gone on in which I was overly nervous I pretty much ruined while the ones that I breezed into usually turned out to be pretty awesome. (On a personal note, I've come to realize that if I feel unnaturally nervous on/prior to a date, that it's a sign that this isn't the right person to be out with. We should feel comfortable with being ourselves and the person we're with should be receptive to that and vice versa) 

Blurt out nervous destructive comments: This is so painfully obvious that it shouldn't even be on the list. The other thing about this, is it's not something we do on purpose, of course, we try and avoid comments that will cause tension or confusion. I'm a big believer in being oneself, and not having to measure your words before saying them, however, if you, like me, have a tendency to let nervousness cause word vomit, I recommend: trying to think before you speak. For example, telling someone you're on a date with that being affectionate with them is "pointless" will pretty much guarantee that they won't ask you out again. Just like, nervously babbling to someone you're interested in that you "hate being asked out on dates" will probably ensure that they won't. 

Let your ego get in the way: Ah the ego, an essential yet dangerous commodity. It’s important to have a healthy self esteem and to love ourselves (otherwise how can we expect someone else to?!) but our ego can get us into trouble. We know how great we are, but occasionally, someone may disagree with us and while that’s a never fun reality, it is a reality nonetheless. In the event someone decides they aren’t interested-for whatever reason-we have to just deal with it. Get over it. It’s just one person. We can’t charge full steam ahead to try and change their minds. If we’re honest with ourselves, we will admit that our ego can drive us to do things simply to win. Which is a bad reason to want something. Remember this: You aren't into everyone, so you can't expect them to be into you. Also ask yourself: Am I upset about this rejection because I really was into this person, or is it just my ego getting in the way? 9 times out of 10, I bet it's the latter.

Try and make someone like you/ Misread the writing on the wall: This is related to the ego and confidence thing, and it’s something we shouldn’t do. If you're on a date and you're thinking too much it can never go well. If you're out with someone and wondering if it's ok for you say something, wondering how they'll react to you being yourself, then you have to question whether or no this is a person you want to date. The reason why is that you can’t MAKE someone do anything, especially like you. Just like they can’t make you like them. They either do or they don’t. if they do, that’s great, if they don’t, then you have to accept that this is not the right person for you to be dating, even if you hoped otherwise. Dates have two outcomes: one, you go out again or you don’t. If it’s the latter then it’s pretty obvious something was lacking. It’s also pretty obvious when someone isn’t into you, it’s just a matter of whether or not you can pull yourself out of denial mode. If someone went from talking to you frequently to simply responding to your messages (or not respond at all) it doesn’t mean try harder. It means, stop being stupid and find someone who recognizes your worth.

Shirk responsibility: Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes it’s just because they don’t, but sometimes it’s on account of something we’ve done. If you spent the whole date talking about your ex or being other degrees of unattractive, then yes, it’s your fault. YOUR FAULT. Not the fault of your date, your nerves, or the friend who planted a seed in your head about the person you’re on a date with. Chances are, your date won’t want to see you again, and you can’t really blame them for that. You can apologize, or make excuses, but really you shouldn’t. It won’t change things. What you should be doing is accepting the situation and ensuring that you don’t repeat your behavior. 

Overcompensate: If you do make a mistake or do/say something stupid, it's done. You can’t erase what happened, but you can move on from it, and more importantly LEARN. Apologizing profusely? BAD! Bending over backwards to “fix things?” Just makes you seem unstable and pretty desperate. If you’ve been playing games and playing it cool, sending a barrage of sweet messages or dirty photos won’t negate your former behavior, it will just make you look unhinged. It doesn’t matter how sorry you are, or that you wish you could’ve done things differently. You can’t. What’s done is done.

Repeat mistakes. No one is perfect and no one expects us to be. We will make mistakes and say and do stupid things, it's unavoidable. The thing about making mistakes is that it's actually ok to make them, as long as we learn from them. Doing something bad once isn't ideal, but repeating them means that it's a problem. One that we need to address with ourselves. We can't live in denial, sometimes we need to accept that the problem lies within us and the only solution is by examining why it is why we are allowing this pattern to form. The only person who can fix you is yourself

Beat Yourself Up/Dwell on Things: If things went badly, for whatever reason, it's very easy to replay them in our mind, dwell on our mistakes, and chastise ourselves for our actions. Or wish we'd played things differently. Don't do this. Not only does it just allow us to remain in a state of negativity but it truly solves nothing. Furthermore, we have to realistically accept that if things didn't work out then they weren't supposed to. At the end of the day, it was just a date. It's just a person. There will be others. Better ones. 

Let the past hold you back: Everyone has a past. Everyone has had good relationships and bad ones. Everyone has insecurities and deal breakers. Almost everyone has their heart broken. But the thing is, these are in the past and we can't let the past dictate the future. Sure, we need to take it into account, as we have been shaped by it, but it shouldn't control us. Otherwise we'll never be able to have a successful relationship. Every person is different and we need to be cognizant of that. Case in point: I dated a guy for a very long time who cheated on me. A lot. The numbers were staggering and the hurt was immense. As terrible as that was to go through, I don’t operate under the assumption that it will happen again. I’m not jealous or insecure or possessive. It was one person and I won’t blame others for his mistake.

The thing about this list, is despite them being obvious No-No's, chances are that, regardless of  being educated and competent human beings, that we'll engage in some of these behaviors. We can't help it. Even more confusing is that what is a deal breaker for one person is no big deal for someone else. We can follow every rule in the world but when it comes to relationships, no two are the same. What is comes down to is that we should just be ourselves, and allow both our good and bad qualities show. If we're with the right person, the good will overshadow the bad. We will be comfortable. We'll make mistakes but grow for them. We won't overthink, and instead just be. 


Thanks to the usuals, especially my relationship gurus BK and NM and of course, KP

Friday, May 17, 2013

Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer: A Guide to Surviving Summer in Hanoi

It's that time of year again: when every venture outdoors is followed by a shower. Or at least the desire for one. Where we feel as if we are liquid forms of ourselves, slipping on our own sweat and potentially melting into the sidewalk. If somewhere doesn't have aircon, we don't even consider going. The freezing and dismal winter is a distant memory, despite the fact that we were complaining about the cold a mere six weeks ago.

Summer comes on strong in Hanoi, we don't get much warning apart from two weeks of perfect weather, followed by two weeks of torrential downpour, and then it hits in full force. This week the weather ranged between 35 to 39C/95-102F. Kind of a big leap. Personally, I'm not complaining, I'm a warm weather kind of person. I prefer bright colors and heat coming from the sun rather than a remote control. Sure, there are drawbacks to intense heat, but for me, the world is a better place when the temperature is higher. Not only is the sky brighter, the colors more vivid, but people tend to smile more. The frenzy slows down and we start to unwind.

 I grew up in Florida, so I'm pretty accustomed to hot climates, however, this kind of heat is more extreme than even the most blazing month in Palm Beach. For those who are new to this type of weather it can be a little overwhelming, but there are tricks to dealing with it:

1. Hydrate. This is pretty obvious but during Hanoi summers you need to go on hydration overdrive. Always carry a water bottle with you.  Luckily, there are no shortages of beverages in Hanoi, both sit down and to go. Sugarcane juice (Mia da) is one of the most summertime juices. Stands can be found pretty much all over the city, look for stalks of sugarcane next to a big metal machine. Stands are especially prevalent on Doi Can. Tra Chanh is also a perfect summertime drink. It translates to ice lemon tea but the taste is different than you'd expect. the perfect blend of sweet, tangy, and refreshing. The most popular spot for this is on Ly Quoc Su/Nha Tho. Coconut juice also on the side of the road you can buy coconuts which can easily be turned into a beverage with a quick machete chop and a straw. Fresh fruit juice a lot of restaurants and street stalls offer fresh fruit juice. As in you point to the fruit you want and they blend it right then and there. No additives, no preservatives, and they taste amazing. The one I frequent is on Hang Bong, almost at Dien Bien Phu. I think it's like 138 Hang Bong. Also The Cart (Tho Xuong, Au Co) does amazing fruit juices and Hanoi Social Club (6 Hoi Vu) is famous for its slushies. Also, Red River Tea Room (25 Xuân Diệu) is a lovely place for drinks. Finally, crazy as it sounds, hot beverages actually facilitate cooling processes in our bodies. It might seem like the last thing you want in sweltering temperatures, but it actually works. If you don't believe me then read this.

2. Eat. If you're like me, the hotter the weather, the less hungry you are. It's very easy for me to go the entire day without eating on a boiling hot day, simply because the idea of food makes me feel heavier and sick. But not eating is dangerous, for many reasons, but especially in high temperatures, as you can pass out.

3. Get a good tailor. Once it gets to a certain temperature I spend a lot of time figuring out how I can wear as little as possible and still look professional. I am often jealous of men because it is so easy for them to be effortlessly yet appropriately dressed for events: dress pants, button down, decent shoes and they're done. They can even recycle daily and no one would notice. Women, on the other hand, we have to change it up, people notice. However, my jealousy ceases in the summer, because there is no part of me that wants to be in a suit. I pity my poor guy friends working in the city. I'm digressing a bit: It's actually really easy to dress appropriately and minimally if you're a woman. Shift dresses are my best friend. I have countless. Pick a style, go to your tailor, ask her to copy it in a lightweight cotton material and you're good to go. Men, you can probably get lighter weight shirts and dress pants made if you wanted...

4. Invest in good sunglasses. I love going to Luong Van Can and adding to my sunglasses collection for $5, but as stylish and versatile as a shopping spree there can make you, most of the glasses there are not polarized, which is very dangerous for your eyes. Get a decent pair for the peak sun hours.

5. Stock your apartment with candles, flashlights, and battery operated fans. I daresay anyone makes it through the summer without at least one power cut. We never know when they're coming and they're also never convenient. There is nothing like waking up in the middle of the night in drenched sheets, or losing power at 9pm and fumbling around a dark apartment. That's why having the items listed above can really help. Battery operated fans can offer some relief and the candles/flashlights make sure we can find our essential items.

6. Wear sunblock. I'm not just talking about when you're at the beach or pool, sunblock should be worn all the time when out and about in Hanoi. Coming from someone who spends a significant amount of time driving around outside I can safely say it's possible to get burned (or hideous tan lines) in just a 15 minute drive.

7. Find a cool sanctuary. Pools are hot spots in the summer, filled with people wanting to get tan as well as get relief from the sun beating down on them. However you can't spend every moment at the pool or your apartment, so see if you can find another spot that you can escape to. I'd tell you mine, but I'd prefer to keep it a secret. :)

8. Carry an umbrella and raincoat. Hanoi's weather is as unpredictable as the traffic. One second you can be wiping the sweat from your brow and then next minute there is a torrential downpour. Unless you enjoy showing up soaking wet, keep an umbrella and slicker handy.

9. Clean out your air con. This may be a job for your landlord, but your air conditioner filter needs to be cleaned regularly. If not, it can distribute dirt, particles, etc and you're more likely to get sick. our bodies are already adjusting enough from extreme hot-to-colds, that adding in dirty air is just asking for a mid summer sinus infection.

10. Enjoy all the city has to offer. Hanoi is always buzzing, but the city has a certain energy when the temperatures turn tropical. It's the season for: black tie events, national days. barbecues, concerts, rooftop bars, picnics, boat cruises, piknic electronica, road trips. Hanoi is at its finest and should be experienced to the fullest. (Good rooftop bars include: Don's, Marilynn, Bar Betta, Bank, 13 Hai Ba Trung, Commune, Summit Lounge, Rooftop, and Sunset Bar-which isn't a rooftop but still beautiful in the summer) Not to mention all of the amazing outdoor cafes situated all over the city. Another huge perk in the summer is that a lot of high end restaurants offer really great specials. A gourmet meal for $6 is never a bad thing.

11. Escape the city. Flights are cheap. Motorbikes are even cheaper. Hop on your bike and go to Mai Chau, Hai Giang, Tam Do, or Ninh Binh. Get on a plane and go to Hoi An, Dalat, or Con Dao. The break will revitalize you and it's a good way to explore other places in this beautiful country. Or travel internationally. Summertime means beaches: so hop over to Thailand, Malaysia, or my personal favorite, Bali, for some fun in the sun.

12. Remember that you wished for this. I received an endless slew of messages in December and January lamenting about the weather. "It's so cold, it's miserable. When will this be over? I hate it!" We begged for summer to show its face, yet once it arrives we forget so quickly just how dismal the winter months are in Hanoi. 

 13. Keep a supply of babywipes. I love baby wipes, they can be used for so many things. Winter or summer, I always have them in my purse, but in the summer they especially come in handy. It's no secret that we feel gross and grimy almost seconds after we step outside, and babywipes are a good way to alleviate that, and help us freshen up in between showers. 

14. Disregard your vanity. Tis the season to embrace your natural beauty. Or accept that you don't have any (kidding) It's almost impossible to look sexy when you're profusely sweating. You can lie to yourself and say you're "glistening" but that's just denial. Now this is more difficult for women, since we're more likely to be wearing makeup/styling our hair, and in the summer the make up melts and our hair misbehaves. Try as we may, getting glammed up is a difficult, but not a complete impossibility. Women: the high bun is a perfect solution for hair issues. It's elegant, it's easy to do, and it keeps your neck cool. If you want to wear your hair down, may I suggest beach waves: shower, towel dry, scrunch hair with mouse or salt water, let air dry, light hairspray. For make up: tinted moisturizer, no concealer foundation, liquid blush (like benetint by Benefit), waterproof mascara, and the ultimate summer makeup item is bright colored lipstick. Wearing a bright pink or red gives the illusion that you're more dressed up than you actually are, and they're fun. Pedicure are also a summer must-do.

15. Throw a party. Hanoi is a great place to have a party. If you don't want to have something at home,  most bars will let you use their spaces for free, but you can also make use of the green areas near Tay Ho, or the "beach" along the Red River just under the bridge to have a fun, laid back gathering. Grab a cooler, some beverages, pack some snacks, throw on a bathing suit, create a playlist and gather. This is a unique and cool experience, one that you can look forward to while planning and reminisce about fondly when it's over.

These tips aren't foolproof and won't ensure that summer will be painless. I, just like everyone else, will lament and grumble, but for the most part, they should help. No matter how much we complain, we love it here, even when the wind is blowing like a hairdryer in our face. Happy Summer!

*thanks everyone for being overly excited or pessimistic about the summer, our conversations helped contribute to the post. Thanks especially to BT for reminding me certain fantastic things about the summer


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Gone Too Soon: A Tribute to My Good Friend Frank, May He Rest In Peace

Last night, I received the shattering news that a close friend, a man that I loved and admired, was no longer with us. My heart broke on the spot and through the steady stream of tears, I have tried to make sense of it. But I can't. I can't make sense of it because it doesn't make sense. Things like this aren't supposed to happen. I know I am not the only person to have lost a friend, but that doesn't make it any easier. I have also been fortunate enough (if you want to call it that) to have NEVER lost a young friend, Frank is the first.

Since I found out, I have been floating in and out of memories, my body giving into emotion and sobbing. Sobbing for what I lost, sobbing for what everyone else lost, and most of all sobbing for the future that he no longer has. I am not known for my ability to talk about my feelings, or for asking for help. My form of expression is, and always been, writing. Something that Frank and I shared.

I am not going to talk about how tragic it is to lose someone, partially because we all know, but also, because words are failing me. I can't describe the sense of loss accurately. Instead, I am going to talk about Frank the man. Who he was, what he meant to me, and why he was loved by everyone who was lucky enough to cross paths with him. This is my therapy, my tribute to him, a small piece of the legacy he is leaving behind.

Everyone who knew Frank will talk about his bright blue eyes and infectious smile. They will remember laughing with him. That even at the age of 19, he had such a strong sense of self, deeply rooted morals that he never wavered from. Something that a bunch of college kids couldn't really understand. Despite us respecting it and him, it made us a bit nervous, and probably, retrospectively,  jealous. We were all trying to figure ourselves out and Frank already knew. He had a vision and he marched towards that.

Frank was a loving person, he truly and genuinely loved and cared for the people in his life. When he asked about your day, you knew it was because he actually wanted to know. He listened. You left every conversation with him feeling happier and more content than when you started it. He just had that effect on people. He had an inherent kindness and the ability to read and understand people, seeing beyond how they presented themselves on the surface.

For me (and I'm sure many others) it went beyond that. In the years I knew him, including one year as a housemate, Frank and I grew incredibly close, sharing many marathon conversations; meeting each others families; staying in all weekend and watching Sex and the City reruns (something he claimed he didn't enjoy and was doing for 'research' but I know he secretly liked it) He even perfected the art of how to apply self tanner on someones back. To this day, no one has self tanned my back as well as Frank did, taking on the frivolous task with a sense of purpose and attention to detail, all the while saying, "I can't believe I am doing this, what have you done to me?" As silly as it sounds, these memories, these day to day occurrences, are what made our bond what it was. 

 Perhaps the defining moment in my relationship with Frank was the day that my grandmother died. I was at my "prestigious" internship pushing paper when I heard the news, and I immediately called my friend Sarah to come pick me up. Sarah, being well aware of my tendency to retreat into myself in times of distress, called our housemates and told them what happened and just to give me space, that I needed to be alone. All of them but Frank listened. Frank walked into my bedroom with a bouquet of flowers, crawled into bed with me and held me as I cried, resulting in his t shirt being turned into a giant tissue. While I wasn't upset with others for following Sarah's explicit orders, I was overwhelmed by Frank knowing what I needed even when I didn't. That's who he was though. The man who loved others and put them before himself, selfless.

He not only wanted the best for us, but he saw the best as well. Our junior year, he decided to take all of the girls in the house (there were 13 of us) on a date. Individually. No romantic intentions. When we asked him why, he told us that he didn't want us wasting our time with men who didn't deserve us. That he was going to take us out and show us how we SHOULD be treated. He wanted us to know that gentlemen existed and that we didn't have to settle for anything less that outstanding. The thing is, that he didn't need to take us out for dinner to that, he showed us that daily, simply by being himself.

Throughout the years, our friendship continued. He moved to South Florida after university and I saw him whenever I was visiting my parents. When I moved to Vietnam, he actively and consistently made an effort to stay in touch with me, something I can't say for most of the friends I left behind. We shared pieces of writing, we edited each others work, and even discussed collaborating on a writing project he was working on. 

My biggest regret is not failing to make feelings for Frank known, I know without a doubt that he was aware of how special he was to me. No, my biggest regret is that I couldn't make him love himself as much as he loved those around him. One of the most difficult parts for me about this whole ordeal is that Frank was a truly remarkable and incredible man. He had a light around him, he brought joy and wisdom and happiness into so many peoples lives, yet for whatever reason, he failed to find it in his own. He made our world a better place to live in but it was not reciprocated. I keep asking myself, "How could a man like that, a man who embodied positivity and love...a man who was esteemed by those around him...how could he not see what we see? How could he not love himself as we did?" 

I realize that there is no use in asking myself questions like that, because there are no answers. I also know while the non stop crying is inevitable at this stage, that Frank would've encouraged me to "Get it out, come on, cry it out....are you finished? Now pick yourself up and be positive. Everything is ok." So I will do what he'd want me to do, which is to live my life to fullest, with integrity, and happiness. I won't get caught up in regret, in the negative. My time with him was too short but it was meaningful; he showed my love, kindness, compassion and insight. He opened himself up unabashedly and with no strings and as a result, he got the same from everyone else. He reminded me that gentleman exist and that it's ok to be vulnerable and ask for help. He encouraged me in every aspect of my life and made me feel like a better person, his faith in me gave me faith in myself. Most of all, he displayed that in a real friendship things like time zones don't exist.  Real friendships exist in the heart, and he will forever be in mine. 
 April 13, 1984-April 30, 2013.