There are a
lot of labels for people and behaviours. Labels help us define things, and to
know how we should think and feel about certain people and situations. They
serve as a road map for how to behave and react. Psychology is still a
relatively new science, with new conditions discovered all the time. Sometimes,
these conditions are genuine, and a diagnosis can be highly beneficial, and
sometimes they’re used to justify actions that wouldn’t normally be tolerated
or acceptable.
IThe definition of a sociopath is “a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in
extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience. “
Sociopaths are everywhere, unfortunately, and it’s likely that in our lifetime
we will have encounters with these people. Often times, we won’t know the
person is a sociopath, especially not initially, but their characteristics will
present themselves once we establish a deeper, more ongoing relationship with
them. It is then that we realize that something is not quite right. We still
may not know that they’re a sociopath, but we instinctively will distance
ourselves from them because of their behavior.
Here
are some of the tell-tale signs that you’re in a relationship with a sociopath:
Being swept off of your
feet/moving quickly: This
is a bit tricky, because in the early stages of most relationships, we are in
the honeymoon stage. We see the good, we can’t get enough of the other person,
and it’s blissful. But there’s a fine line. A relationship with a sociopath is
all consuming. It takes over your life. They
want to be with you ALL the time, or talk to you ALL the time. They make
declarations and promises very early on. People are supposed to take time to get to know each other. Sociopaths don’t do that because they want to ensnare you and don’t want to give you the time or space to think about what’s happening. It’s all part of their game. What to look for: saying they love you after a few weeks, wanting to marry you within a month, wanting to spend every non-working minute together, insisting on lengthy and constant conversations when you're apart.
Excessive Charm and the
“Soulmate Factor”: Sociopaths
are incredibly charming, at least initially. They’re great at getting what they
want and know how to make people feel special. Your early encounters with a
sociopath will leave you thinking they’re fun, interesting, very likeable, and
many cases sexually attractive. In these
encounters they listen to you and study you. They find out exactly how you
think and what you want and then they give it to you. You are overjoyed because
you think you’ve finally found someone who shares your values, thinks like you,
wants the same things. They feel like your soulmate and probably even refer to
themselves as such. They give you EXACTLY what it is you were looking for and
make you feel happy, stable, and excited. They also
win over (most of) your friends and family. Their charm is only on the surface
though, sociopaths have an agenda and use their charm to get something from
people. None of it is real, in a way, they are con artists. It doesn’t take too
long for their behavior to change which will be highly confusing and sometimes
scary. . What to look for: someone
who is excessively charming; someone who can happily exist in isolation for
weeks at a time (this is because, despite the charm, they are deeply
antisocial); someone who changes from delightful to cold in the blink of an
eye; someone who seems to know exactly what to do or say to gain your
confidence or affection.
Lack of shame/Blaming everyone
else/Smear Campaigns.
Sociopaths often do or say things that are terrible and heartless. While a
non-sociopathic person would feel guilt or remorse for their actions, a
sociopath has none. Many sociopaths are highly successful people but they got
there by stepping on and hurting people to achieve their goals. They might proudly recount the ways they achieved their successes, which is often at the expense of others. They are also blameless. With a sociopath, there is always an excuse for why
things went wrong and how it was no fault of their own. It’s because sociopaths
don’t believe they are doing anything wrong, they do not accept blame, they
blame other people, and they’re not sorry. If they say they’re sorry it’s a
lie. They will also actively run smear campaigns against people, usually those
who threaten them in some way. What to
look for: If the person you’re
dating brags about the people they stepped on while aiming to accomplish; if
every failure or stress in their life is someone elses fault; they run smear
campaigns, they feel no remorse (remember, saying sorry doesn’t mean you’re
sorry. Real remorse is when people take action to rectify their wrongdoings.)
Constant Lying: Sociopaths lie all the time,
and a lot of the time, they actually believe in their lies, or believe that by
keeping the lie going, that it will somehow become the truth. Everyone tells
lies here and there, but a sociopaths lies are on a grander scale, and if
they’re caught in a lie, they will go to great lengths to cover up the lies or
make you believe them. They are obsessed with image and appearing a certain
way, so these lies are usually to keep that image intact. The lies can range from from little to massive, and, calling them out will only result in some long explanation or excuse. Never an admission
of guilt, sociopaths don’t do that. It
is also common, for, when a lie if about to blow up in their face, that the
sociopath will seek you out to confess. This is to gain trust or garner
sympathy, when in actuality it should have the opposite effect, as they are
only doing it because they have no other choice. What to look for: inconsistencies, lies, and their reaction to being caught in a lie (do they keep lying to cover it up?)
Being “Taken Care Of”/Sharing: Sociopaths are very good at presenting
a front of equality and strength. They will often use words like “ours” to make
you feel like you’re in this together, “our apartment, our money, our future”
and they will go to great lengths to cultivate that image and to make you feel
as though they’re providing for and taking care of you. It could be as simple
as bringing you cups of tea every morning or on a larger scale like offering to
financially support you. They will help
fix problems in your life all under the guise of partnership and “us.” It’s not
real, and they will take it away as quickly as they handed it over.
Being calm in every
circumstance.
Now, not everyone who is unflappable is a sociopath, but some of them are.
Sociopaths tend to have little or no reaction to highly emotional events or
circumstances. This might seem appealing at first but is actually concerning if they do not seem to be bothered by anything. What to look for: lack of outward anxiety or stress ever; remaining
unflustered in dangerous or volatile situations; the same emotional reaction to
everything.
Intelligence. Most sociopaths are incredibly
bright. They use this intelligence to further their agendas and to manipulate
people. Sociopaths are usually very successful.
Manipulative: Sociopaths use their charms,
brains, and observational skills to figure out ones weakness, and use this for exploitation.
They like to be in control of every situation and tend to avoid other strong
willed people. They are comfortable deceiving people to get what they want. They are good at reading situations and people and then saying or doing whatever needs to be said/done to continue getting their way. What to look for: someone always needing
to be in control; someone who will lie to get what they want; someone who
surrounds themselves with “weaker” or more vulnerable people.
Abuse: Let’s for a second look at the definition of abuse: 1. to use something for the wrong purpose in a way that is harmful or morally wrong. 2. to treat someone cruelly or violently 3. to speak to someone rudely or cruelly. So basically, purposely hurting someone. Being mean to them,
insulting them, neglecting them, criticizing them, all with malicious intent.
Of course, people say mean things to one another from time to time, it happens.
But emotional and mental abuse is doing this repeatedly and without remorse. The bottom line is: relationships are
supposed to make us feel happy and secure. If we are with someone who makes us
feel bad about ourselves and who we are afraid of, that is abuse. What
to look for: angry, violent outbursts; emotional, mental, or physical
abuse; someone who is outwardly calm but who could-and does-snap at any moment;
walking on eggshells and stressed out by their inflicted abuse; someone who
insults or hurts you regularly.
A massive ego. Sociopaths believe that they
are the greatest thing in the world. They have a huge sense of entitlement and
truly believe that they are better than everyone else. They are completely
narcissistic, have an inflated ego, and are unresponsive to criticism. What
to look for: narcissism; a person with a large superiority complex; a
person who can’t handle or doesn’t recognize criticism; someone who only cares
about their own opinion; someone who spends a lot of time in front of the
mirror; someone who has an unrealistic view of their abilities.
Uninterrupted eye contact: Sociopaths usually give intense
uninterrupted eye contact, whether it is a way to further their own means or to
make you feel uncomfortable.
Lack of REAL friends and
connections: If
someone has very few or no real friends to speak of, they may be a sociopath.
Most people enjoy human interaction and feel it is essential to their lives,
whereas sociopaths few people merely as tools to get something they want. When
they’ve achieved that, they have no use for the other person and drop them. If
they do have “friends” they will be superficial as sociopaths lack the ability
to have meaningful connections. They can often go weeks or months with little
to no contact with their family or friends. They don't really like to really talk about themselves or share
things with friends. They also might encourage you to not share personal things with your friends and family. What to look for:
someone with no friends from their high school or university days; someone who
has a distant or non-existent relationship with their family; someone with very
few friends, or friends that they only have a superficial connection with;
someone who doesn’t seem to need to be around people; someone who is intensely
present and then drops off of the face of the Earth; someone who chooses
friendships based on what the other person can do for them.
Lack of empathy: Hand in hand with their hugo
ego and superiority complex, sociopaths lack empathy and don’t feel sorry for
people. One of the most fundamental and necessary qualities one should possess
is compassion and a sociopath has none. Perhaps they will feign interest but not
actually care. Often they will belittle
or blame the person for their hardships or they simply do not care. Why would
they? It’s of no consequence to them. (At
some point, this will be directed at you and it will be confusing and scary
because it is unrecognizable from the person you once knew.)
Isolates you: This kind of falls into the
sweeping off your feet category. Sociopaths want all of you all the time. They
are enigmatic and mesmerizing so it’s not hard to fall under their spell and
find yourself spending less and less time with other people. It doesn’t feel
like isolation at the time, it feels like you’re living in your own little
bubble. Now, it’s common knowledge that, once in a relationship, we do have to
balance our time so see our friends and family less than we used to. Sociopaths
are fine with you not seeing them at all. Or being present every time you do.
If you’re in a social setting, they will find ways to isolate you, whether it
be pulling you into an intense conversation or being overly affectionate. They
see you as theirs. You might find yourself missing events or parties because friendships felt less important and
necessary because you have everything you need. This is what a sociopath wants you
to believe and think. What to look for: An all consuming love, someone who wants to be with you all the time, doesn't like sharing you with friends, encourages you to stay in with them (or go out just the two of you) someone who dissuades you from sharing your life, feelings etc with anyone else.
Immature: Sociopaths are immature, even if they appear
not to be. This is highlighted by their selfishness, lack of reliability,
pathological lying, and inability to deal with confrontation. They can’t be
told they’re wrong or handle any kind of comment that could be deemed as a
criticism. They will walk away, throw a fit, storm out, change the subject,
berate…whatever it is to prevent them from having an adult conversation which
would require them to either be honest or apologize. They also have an
unrealistic view of themselves and life. If life or people don’t behave exactly
the way that they want or expect, they can’t handle it and withdraw. Mature
adults work through challenges. They face the, head on, and come up with real
solutions. They don’t run away or give up. They don’t quit when things aren’t
perfect, because you can’t.
Promiscuity: All kind of people cheat, not
just sociopaths but it is one of the defining characteristics of a sociopath.
Extreme
selfishness: Sociopaths only care about themselves. It won’t be evident at
first as they will shower you with love and attention initially but at some
point, their true colours show. They won’t do anything that they don’t want to
do. They won’t take your needs, desires, or feelings into consideration, and it
will be very evident in their actions. They’ll act the way they want to act
even if they know it hurts or upsets you. They’ll expect you to conform into
their life exactly the way they want you to and will be angry and resentful if
you don’t. They will not make an effort to fir into your life. What to Look For: when it’s all about
them. It could be something small like, only sleeping at their apartment or
only going out with their friends and coworkers. Or it could be much bigger like missing
events important to you, blatantly disregarding your feelings.
Neediness: Sociopaths come off as strong,
and they are but their power is fueled by their control over others. They NEED
it. They will demand a lot of your time and energy and expect you to be
available and receptive whenever they want you to be. If they feel like you’re
slipping away they will take drastic measures to not lose you because they
enjoy the game and power.
Unready
for responsibilities: When we first meet sociopaths, as I said, they come off
as charming, successful and together. We’re drawn to them and they make us all
kinds of promises. They might even seemingly take steps follow through on these promises. The problem is that they can’t
actually commit to the things they say they can. Whether it’s them being unwilling to give up
their 100% selfish lifestyle, or simply the inability to hold up their end of
the bargain, they are unreliable, and can’t be responsible to anything other
than themselves and their own agenda.
While
I am not a medical professional, I have researched sociopaths, as well as spoken
to experts about them, and of course, was engaged to one. What I can offer is first hand experience as I was
deeply involved in a long term, serious relationship with a sociopath.
The
thing about sociopaths that is tough is that they are amazing when you first
meet them. They’re loving, and charming, and a total dream come true. They make
you feel things and think things that you never did before. They sweep you off
your feet and make you feel like the most special person in the world. Then
they flip out. It happens without warning and then all of a sudden, they’re a
completely different person. Unrecognizable. Sociopaths CAN’T be in romantic
relationships, especially not serious ones, because it requires them to behave
like a normal human being. They are forced to do things like communicate,
compromise, and commit, none of which are possible for them. They don’t like
people. They only like themselves and the unrealistic existence that they’ve
created for themselves. They immediately start to panic and lash out in a
destructive and abusive (mental, emotional, physical) way. They will morph from a dream come true into a monster.
While every relationship has issues and rough patches, a relationship with a
sociopath doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. It doesn’t matter how strong
or confident you are, sociopaths will break you down and destroy you if you
stay. The only option is to leave, not look back, breathe a sigh of relief, and
try and be more aware next time. If someone seems to good to be true: they
probably are. If something is moving at lightning speed: it will probably crash and burn, if someone
has very few real friends: there’s probably a reason. The list goes on and on. As I said, spotting
sociopaths is hard at the beginning, but there are signs to look for, and once
things start popping up, it’s essential to just GET OUT AND FAR AWAY. Date
someone who actually likes people.