Friday, April 26, 2013

Be the Love Generation?


It was just another night out, the beginnings of any great story or conversation. We were talking about one thing or another and the conversation seamlessly transitioned into relationships, dating specifically. For whatever reason, life as a single expat woman is utterly fascinating to the people in my group of friends, which I can kind of understand. A high percentage of my friends in Hanoi are either married or in serious relationships, which means that their relationships, though not devoid of “drama,” have a certain kind of stability that their single counterparts don’t. Let’s face it: Dating IS interesting, and dating as an expat woman in Asia even more so. As much as I like to keep the details of my personal life as close to the chest as possible, it is, at times, impossible to do so. Especially in Hanoi.

For a big city, Hanoi is really small, the expat community having a one degree of separation, making it pretty difficult to do something without people knowing. So it wasn’t hugely surprising when a man in our group began questioning a friend about a date she’d been on the night before (she hadn’t told us she was going on one, but it being Hanoi the fact that she was in a public place made it public knowledge) She demurred a bit and he pressed on, “But you went on a date the other weekend, with someone else you said you were interested in. Don’t you think that it’s a bit slutty what you’re doing?”

Slutty?! To go on a DATE? We’re talking about dinner here, or drinks, or some other activity. Going on a date doesn’t necessarily equate to hooking up, but even if it does, no one is in a position to judge another about it. Let’s completely disregard that calling someone slutty is all kinds of inappropriate, but focus on the bigger issue at hand here: Is it ok to date multiple people at the same time?

I (almost) immediately took to whatsapp and email to send out a mass message (a frequent occurrence) to friends** to hear their opinion on the subject. The answers were a bit varied but none of them completely aligned with the “slutty” comment above, the closest I got was, “If I was really into a girl, I’d be a little bothered about her dating other people, but in the early stages you have to kind of accept that it’s a reality.” For the most part, it was confirming that in the world of dating, people like to explore their options, and date around until they find someone who they want to commit to.

I am, by all accounts, a big believer of committed relationships and the monogamy that comes hand in hand with being in one. If I have decided to call someone my boyfriend then there is no question at all that I want to be with them and will not be seeing other people. But, as was reiterated over and over again in the responses I received from people, dating someone doesn't make them your boyfriend or girlfriend, it makes them a person that you're dating. A huge distinction. 

The truth is, there is no right or wrong approach to this, just personal preferences. Some people believe that whilst they are single that they are free to do as they please. Free to flirt, have dinner with, and go on dates with anyone that they find interesting. Then there are those who, once having gone out with someone that they’re into, immediately shun attention and advances from other prospects. Maybe not due to any kind of expectations from them, but because they are idealists, romantics, or just find juggling far too complicated a feat. Others will argue that, cynical as it sounds, most relationships/dates don’t work out anyway so that putting all of your eggs in one basket is naïve. Based on my conversations on the subject (and life experience) everyone is different, but for those who do believe that the dating world is their oyster, there are a few things to keep in mind:

Don’t flaunt but don’t lie. Honesty and communication are HUGE parts of any relationship, and nothing good can come of lying. On the flip side, advertising that you’re dating around isn’t exactly the best form of sweet talking. It’s a safe assumption that the person you’re going on dates with is probably doing the same with others, but it’s not the nicest thing to think about. If you really want to know, it is ok to ask (though I don’t, for personal reasons) If someone asks you, answer honestly but don’t elaborate too much. Also, once it gets to a certain point in dating, the topic of exclusivity will come up.

Recognize the impact it may have. For some, the knowledge that the person they’re dating is seeing other people will result in them finding that person more attractive. In demand people are sexy and desirable. It also takes the pressure off both parties a little bit and can make them appear less desperate. On the other hand, some may be turned off by the object of their affection sharing romantic moments at the hands of another. It may repel them enough to not want to see you again. This may seem a bit harsh and unrealistic, but people tend to be a bit irrational when their ego is at stake.

Don’t force anything. Things should never be forced, especially in relationships. The best kinds of relationships and encounters are those that unfold organically and naturally. When people like each other, they generally tend to gravitate towards each other. Also, don’t go out seeking people to date simply so that it appears (to you and others) that you have other options. If an opportunity presents itself, fine, but don't try and create them to prove a point. 

Have fun. Dating isn’t a chore, it’s an adventure. We shouldn’t spend our time overanalyzing or adhering to a self/society imposed rules. Do what makes you happy.

Be safe. In a lot of cases, with dating comes hooking up. The physical connection is a very important part of a relationship, so while hooking up with the people you’re dating doesn’t make you a slut/player, it can make you a target for unwanted complications. Protect yourself, protect your partner.

Keep things separate. If you’re going to date around, try not to dabble into overlapping social circles. Things become (even more) complicated/awkward if the people you’re dating know each other. Even in a small city/town, there are different groups.  Another solution to this is date people in different cities. Traveling can be exhausting and expensive but it’s fun and keeps your life compartmentalized.

Gives perspective. Most people date because they enjoy the company of the person that they are out with, and want to see where it goes. The truth is, even if you feel an instant connection with someone, that you don’t know-CAN’T know-if you really like them until you’ve been seeing each other for a while. You can know if you’re interested in them but not if you REALLY like them. Dating other people can also facilitate in identifying these feelings. Not that you should compare people, but you can recognize the way you feel when you’re around them. Dating people is just as much figuring out what you don’t want/like as it is what you do.

Be culturally aware. In the western world, the concept of dating around until you find someone you want to settle down with (permanently or just even just to give the girlfriend/boyfriend title) is relatively commonplace. However, in other cultures, societies, or even religions dating someone is a bigger deal. Immediate commitment is more evident and expected. When you date someone, make sure you are aware of their background and expectations, for both of your sakes.

The bottom line is that there is no "best practice" how to proceed in the initial phases of dating. We all have our own set of limitations, beliefs, and ideals. The "best" thing we can do is to do what makes us happy, while ensuring that we are behaving with kindness and dignity to those around us. 

**Thanks to all of my friends who, once again, took time to answer my barrage of random questions and expound on the matter with their own personal viewpoints and experiences, which have been outlined in this post. I am utterly grateful for your perspectives, because they not only give me a lot of material to write about, but they also serve as benchmarks for my own life. You keep me in check. 
*Thanks especially to JM, the best fbf a girl could ask for. :)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Quit Playing Games (With My Heart): Why Some Games Shouldn't Be Played


Dating can be hard. Really hard, actually. There may be some people out there who claim they don’t find it remotely stressful, but I have difficulty believing them. Fun? Sure. Easy? Not so much. When we start dating someone new, we’re in completely uncharted territory, trying to find the balance between remaining alluringly mysterious and openly receptive...while simultaneously trying to figure THEM out. We don’t want to appear too eager but at the same time shouldn’t be indifferent. 

Unfortunately, it’s become less about having fun and getting to know the person and more about strategy and analysis.  We put too much stake into whether or not our date is into us rather than thinking about if we’re into them (big mistake) and we often spend more time focusing on the destination rather than the journey (even bigger mistake!!!) By doing this, we actually miss the entire point of dating. It doesn't have to be like this, in fact, if it is, then you're doing something wrong. 

This isn’t an advice column about dating, since I already wrote one of those, and more importantly, am in no position to tell anyone how to date seeing as I am not exactly an expert on the subject. No, this is about games. The games we play with ourselves, the games we play with others, and the reasons why these are bad.

We're dominated by the games we play and the need to win. These games are a natural part of our existence, they apply not only to the relationships we have with other people, but also the relationship that we have with ourselves. We use games to propel us forward, to challenge us, and to escape reality. We use them to inspire us to reach new heights in our professional and personal life. We use them to manipulate things into our favor. We use them to create excitement and friction in our otherwise ordinary world. Sometimes, we don’t even realize that we’re playing them, they’re so deeply embedded in our state of being. It would be impossible to live in a society where games were not prevalent, but there are different degrees of games and at a certain point we need to evaluate whether they're worth playing.

I'm no exception, anyone I’ve ever dated will tell you that I was "hard to get," (but totally worth it!)  that, at times, they had no idea if I was even into them, and getting me to outwardly display affection? Forget it. I wasn’t intentionally playing the “hard to get” game, rather just reacting to the complex I'd developed, believing that as soon as I let my guard down, that the object of my affection would lose interest in me. That by telling them, “Hey, I like you,” meant that I’d lost the battle, abandoned my allure. So,instead, I kept people at arms length, as a form of protection, taking the plunge only after feelings on their end have been validated, thereby minimizing risk.

One of my biggest fears is making myself vulnerable only to be rejected, and as a result, I have spent so many hours of my life being afraid of letting go. Of assuming the worst as a way to defend myself from it actually happening. (On a side note, it's happened. Multiple times. I'm still standing, so guess it's not such a big deal after all.) Remaining outwardly indifferent so as not to appear vulnerable. I just didn’t want to let someone know that they had power over me because then there was a chance that I could lose. And that’s scary.

Though one day, quite recently actually, I realized that this is a terrible way live life, it’s a lose-lose. If these things are going to happen, they’d occur regardless of whether or not I started out with my guard up. I'm also not relinquishing power by admitting that I like someone, in fact, by doing so, I'm empowering myself to go after what I want in life and living honestly. Furthermore, and more importantly, I wasn’t having fun. It wasn’t enjoyable to be neurotic and, personally, I want to enjoy myself. 

So I've started putting myself out there. Or at least trying to.  It's not always easy. For me, dating without my shield is equivalent to showing up to the date naked. In fact, I'd rather do the latter and just feel self conscious rather than emotionally exposed. But, however daunting it may be, lately I've been trying to embrace it. I’ve done my best to date with an open mind and without some impending doom cloud hanging over me. Not only that, but with a whole new attitude of, “What have I got to lose? It’s just dinner. If it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t work out. No big deal.” Because, really, it’s not. 

There is truly no reason for it to be stressful to go out and get to know someone. This mentality isn’t foolproof because we’re humans, and by nature, we want people to like us, so at times it can be slightly terrifying and  incredibly awkward (if you’re me that means lots of rambling, talking about exes,  and blurting out random things) but honestly, it feels a lot better to just go with it. Take a risk. Have some fun. Not think “What if it goes horribly?” but instead, “Hey, why not?! Bring it on!”

So far, I have to say there is something liberating forgoing the whole games thing. First and foremost, it is a time saver. Playing games just delays the inevitable. People’s personalities and intentions don't change after the game has been played or won. But you might take a long time to find out what/who they are, time you don't really have if it's time wasted. Avoiding games completely gets to the bottom line much more quickly, thus saving time, energy, and expediting the good/minimizing disappointment.

Removing games from the equation increases transparency, which is not a bad thing. For whatever reason, people seem to look at straightforwardness like it's some kind of detriment. Like it's bad to know what you want and vocalize it. There is nothing wrong simply telling someone how you feel about them. The worst thing that happens is that it’s not reciprocated, in which case you can shake it off and move on. It’s a lot more productive than sitting around wondering what things mean, or the best next way to proceed. Who has time for that? Who wants to do that? Certainly not me. Just be honest. It’s actually pretty easy. Look at it from another perspective, think about how great it feels when someone is open and honest with you. When they tell you you're great and they like you. It feels pretty incredible, doesn't it? So return the favor. Treat people the way you'd like to be treated (it is the Golden Rule after all!)

Succumbing to games and rules can be incredibly limiting and additionally, quite stressful. Not mention completely exhausting.  When immersed in the game, you spend way too much time calculating and thinking and less time in the moment, actually living the experience. It detracts from your good time, it prevents the other person from getting to know the real you, and it isn't a good foundation for any kind of meaningful connection. Some games are pointless and detrimental. Stop thinking, stop orchestrating, enjoy, and just be. it's much better that way, I promise.

*thanks BK, PW, CM, and GS for being instrumental in helping me gain this perspective

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Knowing Me, Knowing You: How to Stay Friends With An Ex


People often comment that they find it pretty remarkable that I manage to stay friends with my ex boyfriends. They say it’s admirable but claim that it’s something they could never do. For whatever reason, there is still a stigma attached to maintaining a positive relationship with the people we were formerly involved with, that it implies all kinds of things that are not actually the case at all. There is always the underlying notion that perhaps the relationship isn’t really over, that someone is still harboring feelings for their former paramour. Or that it would be detrimental to any future relationships.

I’ve never understood this, maybe because, as stated above, I am friends with my exes, save a few. I can’t imagine a world in which I didn’t have some of these men on my speed dial. Over the years they have remained some of the most important people in my life. Exes have a unique perspective into us that no one else has. Not do they understand us, the way we think and feel but they’ve also been there. They’ve seen us at our worst, at our best, they know our insecurities and our strengths. They offer an invaluable insight and they aren’t afraid of us, they tell it like it is and we have no choice but to listen.

Perhaps I’ve been fortunate in having the kinds of relationships that end in a way that this is a possibility,  perhaps I’m more evolved or mature than the average person (though I highly doubt this) or perhaps I just look at it from a different perspective. The way I see it is that I don’t get into relationships lightly, I’ve never had a boyfriend simply to just have one. Every man that I’ve dated has been someone that I truly respect and genuinely enjoy being around. Most of my boyfriends started out as friends first, which served as the foundation of what made our relationship so great. I always find myself dating the kinds of men who are incredible enough to warrant future friendships with. As I said, this could be pure luck on my part but I don’t think so. The world we live in isn’t black and white, and try as we might, we can’t allow ourselves to constantly define and label things and people.  

Relationships, on every level, are complicated and multi faceted, purely on account of fact that human beings aren’t one dimensional, we consist of many variables and these twists and turns are what make life interesting and unpredictable. Romantic relationships take things to a whole new level and introduce different kinds of feelings that we feel for our families and friends, feelings that once felt, can never really be erased. Sure, we can fall out of love with someone, we can realize that they weren’t who they thought they were, or even that we have changed and are no longer the right mind frame to be engaging in this type of relationship with said person.

Relationships fall apart for a plethora of reasons: incompatibility and infidelity being the main two ones, but I truly believe that just because you aren’t able to successfully be romantically involved with someone doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with them or you. That just because you aren’t in love with them doesn’t detract from the fact that they embody qualities that you find attractive in a person, otherwise, why would you have dated them to begin with?

My previous two posts were written on subject matters that I have little to no experience with and was certainly not qualified to impart advice on, but this? This is my thing. So how does one do it? It’s pretty simple:

Break up with them before it gets too late.  So many of us see the writing on the wall but simply refuse to read it. Our feelings have changed, the magic is gone, we’re interested in other people, yet we refuse to end things with the person we’re with in some kind of misguided optimism that maybe, just maybe it’ll resolve itself. That all of this effort we’ve out forth wasn’t in vain. The problem with this is that, in most cases, the cracks keep metastasizing, and will continue to do so until some big blow out or unforgivable act occurs. Once it’s over, it’s over and we should end it before it gets messy

Be kind. This a recurring theme in my posts, mainly because I believe kindness to be the most important quality that one can possess. So when we break up with someone, we need to be kind about it. No one likes being rejected (even if they’re on the same page as you) so it’s within your best interest to be as graceful and dignified in the process.

Ensure that you actually like them as a person. Sounds a bit silly, but often we hold on to the idea of things rather than embracing the reality. Deciding to let someone go, both romantically or platonically, isn't a failure. Sometimes relationships dissolve and there is no point in trying to resuscitate them.

Take time. Even if the break up is 100% mutual, which it rarely is, jumping straight into a friendship is just asking for trouble. Not only is it easy to slip back into your old routine, which blurs the lines, but without a break, you haven’t allowed yourself to really get over it and move on. Furthermore, chances are, one person is still more invested than the other, and not allowing them the separation is confusing and ultimately hurtful. Not a good premise for a lasting friendship.

Make sure you’re on the same page. Just because you’re over someone, doesn’t mean that they’re over you. Sure, they might say that they’re fine, but hopefully if you dated them, you are able to read them on a deeper level. You will know if they’re upset, stressed, on edge etc. If they’re displaying tendencies that indicate that they’re still emotionally invested romantically, you can not expect them to be capable of being your friend. If you are friends but you notice some concerning behavior, address it, take some space, and try again later.

Baby steps. Once an appropriate amount of time has passed and you’re ready to start socializing with your ex, don’t dive in the deep end. Start with coffee, lunch, maybe even dinner (though that can lead to issues) Don’t ask them to be your date to your cousins wedding. Try and pretend as if it’s a new friend that you’re just getting to know. Because, despite your history, this isn’t too far from the truth, you’re relearning them in a different capacity.

Be honest but not callous. You will, at some point, move on and start dating again. This is expected and perfectly fine and while it’s ok (and necessary in some cases) to inform your ex about these endeavors, there is no need to overshare. Keep it simple. Talking about how happy you are and how great this new relationship won’t serve any purpose other than hurting your ex. Save that kind of talk for the friends that you haven’t slept with. Also: avoid jealousy. It’s not attractive to be bitter and unsupportive when your ex moves on.

Avoid memory lane. I’m not suggesting you pretend like things didn’t happen, and of course memories will surface, it would be unnatural if they didn’t and weird if you avoided them on purpose. However, whatever issues you had while dating are off limits. You can not get angry at someone for something they did when you were dating. You broke up, it’s over. If it’s not over for you, then you’re not ready for the friendship.

Keep it platonic. Sleeping with an ex is not friends with benefits. It’s a mistake and trouble.

Manage expectations. They may adore you and be happy to have you in their life, but you are no longer their top priority. You can not expect the same kind of treatment and behavior as when you were together, and you can not be resentful of that fact.

Selective Censorship. This sounds like a terrible idea for a friendship. Why should we censor ourselves with our friends? What’s the point? Well, in this case, telling your ex boyfriend that you found him physically repulsive in the last months of your relationship does not make for a constructive friendship. Think she was the worst kisser? Keep it to yourself, it makes no difference to you any more. If they specifically ask, it’s better to avoid and omit.

Don’t push. Sad as it may be, your ex may not share your sentiment to continue a relationship. They might want a totally clean break. This is incredibly hurtful. There is something terrible about spending a significant amount of time with someone only to find that they aren’t even interested in maintaining anything with you. However, if that’s what they want, you have to respect it. 

These are also kind of highlighted in my Post Break Up Etiquette post from last year.

Ok so after writing that all out, it sounds more complicated than it really is, I realize that.  (I should think before I write instead of do this stream of consciousness thing that I am such a fan of) The initial work and rules really only apply to more recent breakups rather than the ones that occurred years ago. Once you get past a certain point, the friendship requires a lot less strategy and becomes routine. I am at the point with some of my exes that I barely even remember that we dated (not meant as an insult, but more as an indicator of how normal our interactions are these days)

On a side note: as great as having an ex as a close friend, make sure you're transparent about that with any future prospects. No, you don't need to divulge your entire history, but it's not fair for them to think they're meeting up with your really good friend for drinks only to find out that this friend is someone you dated for two years. Jealousy shouldn't be condoned, but neither should blind sighting.

*Thanks to the men that I've dated who have become my closest friends, confidants, and supporters. You are invaluable to me and I truly believe that my world is a better place because you're in it. And I appreciate you beyond any words could explain.