Since I’ve started writing about relationships, I’ve covered
wide range of topics: from soulmates to the one that got away, from avoiding
bad boys to falling for a friend, from first dates to keeping the romance
going; even a post break up guide (to name a few) However, one topic I’ve never
touched on is HOW to break up with someone.
This is probably, in part, to my complete ineptitude on the
subject. Not that I haven’t broken up with people, I have. In fact it’s usually
me who ends my relationships, but, the truth is it took me years to figure out
the best way to do it. To learn an acceptable or appropriate way to approach
this challenging situation. The bottom line is that I hate the idea of hurting
someone. I’d rather come up with ways to keep someone happy than deliver bad
news. No matter how much I may want the relationship to end, I tend to break
down when I having the talk. Sobbing. Talk about mixed messages.
Despite some of my disastrous approaches to ending a
relationship, I do, in fact, know the best way to do it, it’s just the
execution part that I (and so many other) struggle with. Here are some of my Dos and Don’ts which I believe make the process easier for both parties:
DO: Think it through.
I’m not saying procrastinate, but make sure you’re going into with a clear head
and assurance that this is the right decision.
DON’T: Do it in a rash way (ie in the middle of a fight.) If
you are in the midst of an argument that is causing you to rethink whether you
want to be with the person, I highly recommend taking a breather. Find a way to
end the fight, go home, and rationalize the situation and your feelings.
DO: Face the situation head on. Sometimes this isn’t
possible (like if you’re in a long distance relationship) but if you’re within
geographical proximity to your other half, have enough decency and respect to
do it face to face. It’s not easy, but then again, it shouldn't be.
DON’T: Hide behind technology. WhatsApp isn’t the venue for
a serious conversation and email is a one sided conversation, one that tells
the other person that you don’t hold much regard for what they have to say. As for the silent approach or having someone do it for you: BIG NO'S
DO: Make sure you hold on to your resolve. Remember: you’ve
thought this through, you have your reasons, and they are valid. I’m not
suggesting that you shouldn’t talk them through but the fact of the matter is,
that these issues aren’t going to dissipate after one productive conversation.
DON’T: Let them talk you out of it. Sure, they may have some
great things to say, and they may make some promises that sound good, but
truthfully, once you’ve decided to break up with someone, your relationship is
broken and these temporary solutions are just bandaids. Even if it’s tempting, recognize
that your relationship will never be the same once you’ve told someone you don’t
want to be in it anymore.
DO: Mean it. Breaking up with someone shouldn’t be used as a
threat to change things in your relationship.
DON’T: Use it as a means to discuss some issue in the relationship you aren’t
happy about. If you have reservations or grievances in your relationship, the
responsible, respectful ADULT thing to do is address them as they arise. I am
aware that this conversation is also stressful but it’s part of a relationship.
DO: Be kind. I am a big believer in not being able to
control those around you, but being able to control yourself and your own
actions. In my opinion, there is never an excuse to be unkind. Have compassion.
Have dignity. Have enough respect for them (and yourself) to be kind but firm.
DON’T: Be cruel. I don’t
care what the situation is or what they may or may not have done, it is
completely unnecessary to riddle the conversation with attacks or insults. It’s
important to have reasons (Examples: “I’m not happy anymore,” “I don’t think you’re
the right person for me,” “I am not getting what I want out of the relationship”)
but to elaborate on their faults or why you don’t like them is unnecessary and just mean. If they’ve
done something specifically horrible on their end, keep it simple. (Examples: “You
cheated on me/lied and I can’t get past that.” “I feel like you consistently
make things other than our relationship a priority.”) It may be tempting to
give them an earful but remember: hurting someone won’t make you any less hurt.
Even if they hurt you. Because, you’re better than that, or at least you should
want to be.
Remember:
There is never a good time to break up with someone. Ever.
People, myself included, often use the excuse “Well, it’s not the best time…”
and list some excuse. Believe me, I get it. Their grandmother died, you’re
about to go on vacation together, they lost their job…so you throwing in the
towel seems likes you’re kicking them when they’re down. But here’s the thing:
There will always be something. Life is never perfect, there is always some
kind of irritation or complication, so using that excuse is just that, an
excuse. An excuse to delay the inevitable. They’re going to be hurt whether
you end it on the day they get fired or the day they get their bonus check…and
you can’t sit around waiting for something wonderful to occur so you can
“soften the blow.” Furthermore, know what hurts more? The knowledge that your
significant other hasn’t wanted to be with you for a while but stayed with you
out of pity/obligation.
I get it. I know it’s not easy. It’s painful. It’s awkward.
It’s uncertain how the other party will react. But there is a right way of
doing it. This is coming from the person
who has broken up with someone over BBM, over the phone (with follow up email) and
the all time low of explaining (by email) that I needed to “give him up for
Lent.” Seriously. These happened. So I was certainly not the poster child for
how to break up with someone.
However, I learned from my wrong approaches and
changed. I don’t know if it was a case of “practice makes perfect” (sounds
terrible, doesn’t it?) or that with age comes maturity and insight (sounds much
better) Or maybe the realization that running away and hiding doesn’t make
things easier. Break ups need to be handled like any other adversity that comes
our way: by looking it in the eye(s), making a decision, and following through, no matter how difficult it
may seem at the time.
*on a side note, PL, am still mulling over writing about the wrong ways.
*on a side note, PL, am still mulling over writing about the wrong ways.