Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Hardest Part: How to Break Up With Someone (The RIGHT Way)


Since I’ve started writing about relationships, I’ve covered wide range of topics: from soulmates to the one that got away, from avoiding bad boys to falling for a friend, from first dates to keeping the romance going; even a post break up guide (to name a few) However, one topic I’ve never touched on is HOW to break up with someone.

This is probably, in part, to my complete ineptitude on the subject. Not that I haven’t broken up with people, I have. In fact it’s usually me who ends my relationships, but, the truth is it took me years to figure out the best way to do it. To learn an acceptable or appropriate way to approach this challenging situation. The bottom line is that I hate the idea of hurting someone. I’d rather come up with ways to keep someone happy than deliver bad news. No matter how much I may want the relationship to end, I tend to break down when I having the talk. Sobbing. Talk about mixed messages.

Despite some of my disastrous approaches to ending a relationship, I do, in fact, know the best way to do it, it’s just the execution part that I (and so many other) struggle with. Here are some of my Dos and Don’ts which I believe make the process easier for both parties:

DO:  Think it through. I’m not saying procrastinate, but make sure you’re going into with a clear head and assurance that this is the right decision.

DON’T: Do it in a rash way (ie in the middle of a fight.) If you are in the midst of an argument that is causing you to rethink whether you want to be with the person, I highly recommend taking a breather. Find a way to end the fight, go home, and rationalize the situation and your feelings.

DO: Face the situation head on. Sometimes this isn’t possible (like if you’re in a long distance relationship) but if you’re within geographical proximity to your other half, have enough decency and respect to do it face to face. It’s not easy, but then again, it shouldn't be.

DON’T: Hide behind technology. WhatsApp isn’t the venue for a serious conversation and email is a one sided conversation, one that tells the other person that you don’t hold much regard for what they have to say. As for the silent approach or having someone do it for you: BIG NO'S

DO: Make sure you hold on to your resolve. Remember: you’ve thought this through, you have your reasons, and they are valid. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t talk them through but the fact of the matter is, that these issues aren’t going to dissipate after one productive conversation.

DON’T: Let them talk you out of it. Sure, they may have some great things to say, and they may make some promises that sound good, but truthfully, once you’ve decided to break up with someone, your relationship is broken and these temporary solutions are just bandaids. Even if it’s tempting, recognize that your relationship will never be the same once you’ve told someone you don’t want to be in it anymore.

DO: Mean it. Breaking up with someone shouldn’t be used as a threat to change things in your relationship.

DON’T: Use it as a means to discuss some issue in the relationship you aren’t happy about. If you have reservations or grievances in your relationship, the responsible, respectful ADULT thing to do is address them as they arise. I am aware that this conversation is also stressful but it’s part of a relationship.

DO: Be kind. I am a big believer in not being able to control those around you, but being able to control yourself and your own actions. In my opinion, there is never an excuse to be unkind. Have compassion. Have dignity. Have enough respect for them (and yourself) to be kind but firm.

DON’T: Be cruel.  I don’t care what the situation is or what they may or may not have done, it is completely unnecessary to riddle the conversation with attacks or insults. It’s important to have reasons (Examples: “I’m not happy anymore,” “I don’t think you’re the right person for me,” “I am not getting what I want out of the relationship”) but to elaborate on their faults or why you don’t like them is unnecessary and just mean. If they’ve done something specifically horrible on their end, keep it simple. (Examples: “You cheated on me/lied and I can’t get past that.” “I feel like you consistently make things other than our relationship a priority.”) It may be tempting to give them an earful but remember: hurting someone won’t make you any less hurt. Even if they hurt you. Because, you’re better than that, or at least you should want to be.

Remember:
There is never a good time to break up with someone. Ever. People, myself included, often use the excuse “Well, it’s not the best time…” and list some excuse. Believe me, I get it. Their grandmother died, you’re about to go on vacation together, they lost their job…so you throwing in the towel seems likes you’re kicking them when they’re down. But here’s the thing: There will always be something. Life is never perfect, there is always some kind of irritation or complication, so using that excuse is just that, an excuse. An excuse to delay the inevitable. They’re going to be hurt whether you end it on the day they get fired or the day they get their bonus check…and you can’t sit around waiting for something wonderful to occur so you can “soften the blow.” Furthermore, know what hurts more? The knowledge that your significant other hasn’t wanted to be with you for a while but stayed with you out of pity/obligation.

I get it. I know it’s not easy. It’s painful. It’s awkward. It’s uncertain how the other party will react. But there is a right way of doing it.  This is coming from the person who has broken up with someone over BBM, over the phone (with follow up email) and the all time low of explaining (by email) that I needed to “give him up for Lent.” Seriously. These happened. So I was certainly not the poster child for how to break up with someone.

 However, I learned from my wrong approaches and changed. I don’t know if it was a case of “practice makes perfect” (sounds terrible, doesn’t it?) or that with age comes maturity and insight (sounds much better) Or maybe the realization that running away and hiding doesn’t make things easier. Break ups need to be handled like any other adversity that comes our way: by looking it in the eye(s), making a decision, and  following through, no matter how difficult it may seem at the time.

*on a side note, PL, am still mulling over writing about the wrong ways. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Home is Where the Heart Is (But Sometimes It Shouldn't Be)


Life is full of significant decisions: what to study, where to live, what career path to follow, and who to be in a relationship with. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, relationships are never easy, and as an expat they’re even more difficult. Perhaps that’s a little bit unfair, as I believe that being an expat in a country like France, Australia, the UK or US, it wouldn’t be too far from the usual, but expat dating (especially as a woman) in Asia is a challenge. There are far fewer options to chose from, and probably 75% of those options are not available to us. No judgments or bitterness, it’s simply a fact.

Most of the expat women in Asia that I have spoken to share this sentiment, even going so far as describing dating in Asia like “having the means and desire to buy a Mercedes, only to discover that there are no Mercedes dealerships in the vicinity.” So I asked what the solution is, “Wait for a dealership to be built, settle on a Vespa or decide not to drive at all,” was the reply. While this may seem like a completely ridiculous statement, it’s not incorrect. The pool is significantly smaller, so we have to decide: make concessions or stay single. (On a personal note, I haven’t found this to be true. In car terminology, I’ve been lucky enough to find a few dealerships, but as I am told, I am the exception to the rule)

I’ve spent a lot of time on this topic with my female counterparts, and try as we may, we don’t like being forced to be single. No one does. It’s one thing to have it be a conscious decision, but it’s quite another to feel like we don’t have options. So while every so often a Mercedes becomes available, most of the time we find ourselves exploring other options. Some of us snackpack, some of us date long distance, some of us stay single, and some of us get involved in other ways, by having flings of convenience.

One convenient option is a universal phenomenon: dating a colleague or housemate. Since I spend a lot of time talking about “important life lessons” in these posts, here’s another one I came across: it’s a very VERY bad idea to get involved with a housemate or a coworker, regardless of how irresistible they look when they smile or how considerate they are when they do things like make you tea in the morning.  Even using the argument, “Well they’re the only person I’m attracted to/is attracted to me” doesn’t really fly here. Whatever your reason is for wanting to blur those lines, there are a hundred reasons why you shouldn’t. This isn’t like dating a friend, this decision will affect your professional or home life, and probably not well.

Coworkers and housemates are an obvious choice in flings: proximity wise it can’t be beat, you have a built in rapport and connection, and it injects some fun into an otherwise mundane day. It also may seem inevitable, if two single and mutually attractive people are around each other on a regular basis, sparks will fly and thoughts will wander. It may be difficult to resist the urge but I can assure you that exercising self control will save you a lot of stress and complication in the future.

There are the obvious reasons why getting involved with someone you are in close proximity to is a stupid idea, these not limited to:

  • You’re never allowed to have a bad/bitchy/crazy day
  •  If you find that chemistry is lacking then it’s awkward because you have to turn them down AND see them daily. If there is a lot of chemistry with them then it will drive you to distraction in other parts of your life.
  • You feel pressure to look semi attractive at all times, which is a near impossibility
  • You run the risk of bumping into them and another conquest which inevitably lead you to feel like crap, like “wait? I’m not good enough”
  • If made public, it will make it awkward for those around you.
  • If it ends badly, avoiding them is a near impossibility. Running into someone you used to sleep with can be uncomfortable as it is, so if you do it with a towel around your head makes it that much worse.
  • Your desire to be in a relationship may be clouding your judgement and may cause you to lose out at a real friendship


If you decide shun all of the advice then there are some guidelines you should follow:

  • The only conversations you are allowed to engage in are ones regarding house/professional matters OR planning your next rendez-vous. The minute conversations develop into ANY form of getting to know the person then it will be ruined. You’ll find that you either can’t stand them or thinking they’re awesome, both being bad because feelings in general are a big no-no (even if they’re of contempt)
  • Never ever ever ever ever mention, discuss, hint at anything emotional. Chances are you won’t mean it (we all get caught up in moments) and you’ll bitterly regret it
  •  Drink a lot before you do anything. Then you have the “I was so drunk” excuse to fall back on.
  •  If they want to stop your involvement, have some self dignity and don’t throw yourself at them nightly. Crazy isn’t attractive, crazy and desperate is even more of a repellent.
  • Throwing things is NEVER the answer.


The truth is the biggest mistakes are not so much in the actions themselves, but more the way we handle ourselves after the fact. In reality, there is something nice about having a comfortable and easy fling that falls into your lap, especially if it comes with an expiration date.

I have always been a firm believer that “things aren’t awkward unless you make them awkward” and I tend to conduct myself in such a way that, I simply pretend certain situations and occurrence didn’t happen. Which some may deem as immature but I find is survival tactic 101. It is, however, slightly more difficult if there is nowhere to escape to. The bottom line: Unless you're looking to move around a lot (both in your job and house) Keep your home and office separate from matters of the heart.

*Thanks to JLMF and I'm sorry I stole your car metaphor but I really liked it; the guys I've dated who, if cars, would be found in a luxury dealership; the friends who have made the above mistakes so I didn't have to; and for the person who had a perishable thrown at their door,  bringing the phrase "messy breakup" to a whole new level.