All of our worlds are chaotic in their own way. We are all
juggling multiple moving pieces; jobs, school, friends, family, lovers. We are,
in short, busy people. I don’t know a single person who isn’t busy, who doesn’t
have an agenda, and a myriad of things on their plate. If you ask someone how
they are, what they’ve been up to, standard answers usually include “tired” and
“busy.”
I am, by no means, undermining the verity of these statements. I
get it, I really do. I know that I have a full time job, that often includes
late nights at networking events or client dinners. On top of that, I have an
active social life, I stay in touch with my friends all over the world, I’m directing
a play, planning my next steps and I’m
even going on dates. It’s exhausting, and I relish in the moments where I can
curl up with a book in my apartment, drink tea, and simply immerse myself in
Alice-time. With everything going on in our lives, we’re also supposed to make
time for ourselves. It seems an almost impossible task. But it isn’t.
I have to cite being “busy” as the most overused and ingenious
excuse of all time. "Being busy" is something we blame for not doing
other things. The truth is, no matter what we have going on in our lives,
we are never too busy to get what we want. I live by this rule. I apply it to myself and those around me, and when I find myself making excuses for people, I force myself to remember and apply it.
The things that
matter, the things we care about, the things we WANT to do, we always seem to
make time for, regardless of our other obligations. It might require some
compromise on our parts, somethings got to give (I usually sacrifice sleep) but the bottom line is, we manage. We
manage because we have to and more importantly, we want to. I know, first hand, that telling someone you’re busy
simply means that you’re too busy for
them, because they’re not a priority. Truth be told, it’s REALLY not that
difficult to make time for someone, especially in this day and age. Even a
simple text or an email takes all of one minute and goes a long way. It says, “Hey, you’re on my mind.”
Some people will tell me that I’m being unreasonable (I'm not) but
if they stopped and thought about it for a minute, they would realize that I am
right. That they, just like everyone else, use it as an excuse, because it
can’t really be questioned. If someone tells you that they’re "just really busy” you can’t exactly retort with, “Oh yeah? Prove it!” or point out the ways they could’ve
fit you in. (I mean you could, but that's just embarrassing, and full disclosure: I've done that, and I felt really horrible because it was just admitting out loud, to the other person, that I knew that they held little regard for me or spending time with me.)
Of course, there are circumstances that time is a more
precious commodity than usual; if we are more swamped than usual at work, we're sick, or it’s the holidays
and we’re with our family, there are always exceptions to the rule. Though I
tend to live my life with the mindset that I’m the rule, not the exception.
This may be because I have high standards for the people in my life, but I
think it’s more due to the fact that I know what I am capable of, and I know
that the people in my life that I care about, don’t ever think that I am too
busy for them. Because I’m not. I make time even when there doesn’t seem to be
any. I fit the people and activities in that I care about.
I have dated busy people. In fact, most of my relationships have
been with people who were constantly pressed for time, but because we wanted to
spend time together, we did. I had a boyfriend call me on his lunch break, almost daily, just to say that he was thinking of me, I dated a guy who took
time off work to meet my parents, because he was serious about me, I even went
out with a guy who changed a flight somewhere so that we could have one last
dinner together. I remember once, saying to a guy that I had just started
seeing that I heard he was too busy to date (the explanation he gave to
everyone who asked why he was single) but that he seemed pretty available to
me. His response? “You can always make time for the things you want.” Not only
is that true, but it’s that simple. Which is why, when he stopped making time,
I stopped dating him. I knew I was no longer a priority. Though admittedly, it took me much too long to realize it. Probably because I loved him, and acknowledging it was hard, it hurt a lot.
That’s the difficult thing about being told by someone that
they're busy, because you know, deep down that it means they just don’t care.
It’s not easy to acknowledge and accept that someone doesn’t care enough about
us, especially if we’re spending time caring about them. It’s a form of
rejection, and as I’ve said time and time again, rejection is tough, it hurts.
However, it’s better to see the writing on the wall than to waste any more time
on someone who can’t be bothered to return our sentiments. We can make excuses
but that’s just denial, delaying the inevitable. And for what? Momentary
appeasement or to keep our often too fragile egos from being bruised. It’s
better to just realistically assess the situation and move on from it. It’s
unfortunate but it’s a life.
This isn't just about people we're dating. This applies to all
relationships: friendships, familial, and romantic. In fact, friends and family
being "too busy" can actually be worse than someone we're dating. It
may seem hard to identify someone who is actually busy or someone who just says
they are, though as I said the hardest part is acceptance. If you’re like me
and give a lot to the people around you, it’s not easy to objectively examine
your relationships to determine whether they are one sided or not. Some people
don’t communicate as well as others. Believe me, I understand that.
Anyone who knows me is well aware of my almost over zealous texting/emailing/WhatsApping, and I am fully aware that not everyone is the same, and that I can’t expect them to be. That being said, if we’re honest with ourselves, we can always tell. If you don’t believe me, or really think that you’re the exception, try a little experiment: stop touching base with the person/people in question and see if they come to you. See if they want to talk to you. If they want to, they will. If there’s silence, well, then there is your answer.
Anyone who knows me is well aware of my almost over zealous texting/emailing/WhatsApping, and I am fully aware that not everyone is the same, and that I can’t expect them to be. That being said, if we’re honest with ourselves, we can always tell. If you don’t believe me, or really think that you’re the exception, try a little experiment: stop touching base with the person/people in question and see if they come to you. See if they want to talk to you. If they want to, they will. If there’s silence, well, then there is your answer.
*thanks AL for also adopting this rule and reminding me when I forget.
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