Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Power Junkie

I’ll admit it…I have having a bit of a mental breakdown and it’s driving me crazy. My ability to master my emotions and remain in control of everything seems to have dissipated as I slip into an abyss of crazy. Ok, perhaps that’s a little bit of a dramatization, but it’s the first time in a very long time where I feel like I am losing control.

Some may argue that this is a good thing. I’ve been told in the past that I am too de-attached, that I am emotionally inept, that getting through to me emotionally is nearly impossible. Somewhere along the way, I’d built up a fortress against seriousness and feelings. While I’ve never had an issue with it, many have and would say that what I consider to be a downward spiral as a step in the right direction.

I, however, hate it. I hate feeling this loss of control. I am not a fan of not having a grip on my emotions and feelings. I liked the almost glacial approach to emotions I embodied before my move here. Not knowing where I’m headed next is scary for me.

I wish I could cite the major stressful events surrounding my personal life as the cause for this shift, but I feel that I’ve dealt with crisis before in an effective almost robotic manner so I am grasping for excuses that simply won’t materialize.

For those of you who aren’t with me in Hanoi or don’t know me that well, don’t worry, I’m not totally off my rocker...:) I am simply in a different state of mind and being than I normally am, and I feel totally unequipped to deal with it. I’m used to being the one dealing with other people’s breakdowns and dramas, for not really having any of my own, for not oversharing…. I feel like the harder I try to revert back to my concept of normal then the farther I find myself immersed in the other side and it’s not where I want to be.

The guys I work with told me that at some point we all go through stages like this and that I should enjoy it. While I don’t know if I can go that far, I can commend myself in taking the first step to “recovery” by admitting that I have a problem.

On the bright side, this state of being will inevitably result in more interesting blog posts.


PS-In case you didn't pick up on it...the titles of my posts are usually lyrics from songs or song titles :)

No comments:

Post a Comment