It was just another night out, the beginnings of any great story
or conversation. We were talking about one thing or another and the
conversation seamlessly transitioned into relationships, dating specifically.
For whatever reason, life as a single expat woman is utterly fascinating to the
people in my group of friends, which I can kind of understand. A high
percentage of my friends in Hanoi are either married or in serious
relationships, which means that their relationships, though not devoid of
“drama,” have a certain kind of stability that their single counterparts don’t.
Let’s face it: Dating IS interesting, and dating as an expat woman in Asia even
more so. As much as I like to keep the details of my personal life as close to
the chest as possible, it is, at times, impossible to do so. Especially in
Hanoi.
For a big city, Hanoi
is really small, the expat community having a one degree of separation, making
it pretty difficult to do something without people knowing. So it wasn’t
hugely surprising when a man in our group began questioning a friend about a
date she’d been on the night before (she hadn’t told us she was going on one,
but it being Hanoi the fact that she was in a public place made it public
knowledge) She demurred a bit and he pressed on, “But you went on a date the
other weekend, with someone else you said you were interested in. Don’t you
think that it’s a bit slutty what you’re doing?”
Slutty?! To go on a DATE? We’re talking about dinner here, or drinks, or some other activity. Going on a date doesn’t necessarily equate to hooking up, but even if
it does, no one is in a position to judge another about it. Let’s completely
disregard that calling someone slutty is all kinds of inappropriate, but focus
on the bigger issue at hand here: Is it ok to date multiple people at the same
time?
I (almost) immediately took to whatsapp and email to send out a
mass message (a frequent occurrence) to friends** to hear their opinion on the
subject. The answers were a bit varied but none of them completely aligned with
the “slutty” comment above, the closest I got was, “If I was really into a girl, I’d
be a little bothered about her dating other people, but in the early stages you
have to kind of accept that it’s a reality.” For the most part, it was confirming
that in the world of dating, people like to explore their options, and date
around until they find someone who they want to commit to.
I
am, by all accounts, a big believer of committed relationships and the monogamy
that comes hand in hand with being in one. If I have decided to call someone my
boyfriend then there is no question at all that I want to be with them and will
not be seeing other people. But, as was reiterated over and over again in the responses I received from people, dating someone doesn't make them your boyfriend or girlfriend, it makes them a person that you're dating. A huge distinction.
The truth is, there is no right or wrong approach to this, just
personal preferences. Some people believe that whilst they are single that they
are free to do as they please. Free to flirt, have dinner with, and go on dates
with anyone that they find interesting. Then there are those who, once having
gone out with someone that they’re into, immediately shun attention and
advances from other prospects. Maybe not due to any kind of expectations from
them, but because they are idealists, romantics, or just find juggling far too complicated
a feat. Others will argue that, cynical as it sounds, most relationships/dates
don’t work out anyway so that putting all of your eggs in one basket is naïve. Based on my conversations on the subject (and life experience) everyone is different, but for those who do believe that the dating world is
their oyster, there are a few things to keep in mind:
Don’t flaunt but don’t lie. Honesty and communication are HUGE
parts of any relationship, and nothing good can come of lying. On the flip
side, advertising that you’re dating around isn’t exactly the best form of
sweet talking. It’s a safe assumption that the person you’re going on dates
with is probably doing the same with others, but it’s not the nicest thing to
think about. If you really want to know, it is ok to ask (though I don’t, for
personal reasons) If someone asks you, answer honestly but don’t elaborate too
much. Also, once it gets to a certain point in dating, the topic of exclusivity
will come up.
Recognize
the impact it may have. For some, the knowledge that the person they’re dating
is seeing other people will result in them finding that person more attractive.
In demand people are sexy and desirable. It also takes the pressure off both parties a
little bit and can make them appear less desperate. On the other hand, some may
be turned off by the object of their affection sharing romantic moments at the
hands of another. It may repel them enough to not want to see you again. This may seem a bit harsh and unrealistic, but people tend to be a bit irrational when their
ego is at stake.
Don’t
force anything. Things should never be forced, especially in relationships. The
best kinds of relationships and encounters are those that unfold organically
and naturally. When people like each other, they generally tend to gravitate towards
each other. Also, don’t go out seeking people to date simply so that it appears
(to you and others) that you have other options. If an opportunity presents itself, fine, but don't try and create them to prove a point.
Have fun. Dating isn’t a chore, it’s an adventure. We shouldn’t
spend our time overanalyzing or adhering to a self/society imposed rules. Do
what makes you happy.
Be safe. In a lot of cases, with dating comes hooking up. The physical
connection is a very important part of a relationship, so while hooking up with
the people you’re dating doesn’t make you a slut/player, it can make you a target for
unwanted complications. Protect yourself, protect your partner.
Keep things separate. If you’re going to date around, try not to
dabble into overlapping social circles. Things become (even more) complicated/awkward if the people you’re dating know each other. Even in a small city/town, there are
different groups. Another solution to this is date people in different
cities. Traveling can be exhausting and expensive but it’s fun and keeps your
life compartmentalized.
Gives perspective. Most people date because they enjoy the
company of the person that they are out with, and want to see where it goes.
The truth is, even if you feel an instant connection with someone, that you don’t
know-CAN’T know-if you really like them until you’ve been seeing each other for
a while. You can know if you’re interested in them but not if you REALLY like
them. Dating other people can also facilitate in identifying these feelings.
Not that you should compare people, but you can recognize the way you feel when
you’re around them. Dating people is just as much figuring out what you don’t
want/like as it is what you do.
Be culturally aware. In the western world, the concept of dating around until you find someone you want to settle down with (permanently or just even just to give the girlfriend/boyfriend title) is relatively commonplace. However, in other cultures, societies, or even religions dating someone is a bigger deal. Immediate commitment is more evident and expected. When you date someone, make sure you are aware of their background and expectations, for both of your sakes.
The bottom line is that there is no "best practice" how to proceed in the initial phases of dating. We all have our own set of limitations, beliefs, and ideals. The "best" thing we can do is to do what makes us happy, while ensuring that we are behaving with kindness and dignity to those around us.
**Thanks to all of my friends who, once
again, took time to answer my barrage of random questions and expound on the
matter with their own personal viewpoints and experiences, which have been outlined in this post. I am
utterly grateful for your perspectives, because they not only give me a lot of material to write
about, but they also serve as benchmarks for my own life. You keep me in check.
*Thanks especially to JM, the best fbf a girl could ask for. :)
Love this, Alice!
ReplyDeleteI also think that it's perfectly ok to date multiple people before you call him your boyfriend (exclusive dating for me). I always separare between a date and a boyfriend.
Sadly, as a vietnamese woman, I can hardly tell any Vietnamese this thought, because in Vietnam dating several guys at the same time brings you the unwanted "slut" title! Most of the time, if you date someone (well, more accurately, being seen at public places going out with each other), then that person is assumed to be your boyfriend. And so the next day if you're seen with someone else, you're automatically a slut (for having 2 boyfriends at the same time).
Of course it has a lot to do with a culture where women are expected to be faithful, of which indicator is having as few boyfriend as possible.
Young people now are less conservative, but still, the judgements are still very common!
Thu
I think there it's a cross cultural double standard, however definitely more in Asia or conservative cultures/countries. It's tough but hopefully it's something that can be eradicated. Dating isn't what is was 50 years ago, the world has changed though certain mindsets have yet to evolve :) I don't think it's right or wrong to date multiple people, I truly believe that it's a personal preference and we should do what is going to make us happy. I also had someone reply to me that "I like dating multiple people. Even more, I like having one stand out more and eventually turning that into an exclusive relationship. There is something romantic about knowing I chose to be with someone and vice versa" which I thought was an interesting take on it, but quite nice.
ReplyDeleteI also suffer the same thing as you do, and usually it's completely unfounded. I have lots of great guy friends who I spend a lot of time with, sometimes alone, sometimes in a group, sometimes they pick me up/drop me off, and am constantly having to explain to prying people that it's totally platonic. A concept that sometimes goes way over peoples heads.
Thanks for reading :)