Home is Where the Heart Is (But Sometimes It Shouldn't Be)

Life is full of significant decisions: what to study, where to live, what career path to follow, and who to be in a relationship with. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, relationships are never easy, and as an expat they’re even more difficult. Perhaps that’s a little bit unfair, as I believe that being an expat in a country like France, Australia, the UK or US, it wouldn’t be too far from the usual, but expat dating (especially as a woman) in Asia is a challenge. There are far fewer options to chose from, and probably 75% of those options are not available to us. No judgments or bitterness, it’s simply a fact.

Most of the expat women in Asia that I have spoken to share this sentiment, even going so far as describing dating in Asia like “having the means and desire to buy a Mercedes, only to discover that there are no Mercedes dealerships in the vicinity.” So I asked what the solution is, “Wait for a dealership to be built, settle on a Vespa or decide not to drive at all,” was the reply. While this may seem like a completely ridiculous statement, it’s not incorrect. The pool is significantly smaller, so we have to decide: make concessions or stay single. (On a personal note, I haven’t found this to be true. In car terminology, I’ve been lucky enough to find a few dealerships, but as I am told, I am the exception to the rule)

I’ve spent a lot of time on this topic with my female counterparts, and try as we may, we don’t like being forced to be single. No one does. It’s one thing to have it be a conscious decision, but it’s quite another to feel like we don’t have options. So while every so often a Mercedes becomes available, most of the time we find ourselves exploring other options. Some of us snackpack, some of us date long distance, some of us stay single, and some of us get involved in other ways, by having flings of convenience.

One convenient option is a universal phenomenon: dating a colleague or housemate. Since I spend a lot of time talking about “important life lessons” in these posts, here’s another one I came across: it’s a very VERY bad idea to get involved with a housemate or a coworker, regardless of how irresistible they look when they smile or how considerate they are when they do things like make you tea in the morning.  Even using the argument, “Well they’re the only person I’m attracted to/is attracted to me” doesn’t really fly here. Whatever your reason is for wanting to blur those lines, there are a hundred reasons why you shouldn’t. This isn’t like dating a friend, this decision will affect your professional or home life, and probably not well.

Coworkers and housemates are an obvious choice in flings: proximity wise it can’t be beat, you have a built in rapport and connection, and it injects some fun into an otherwise mundane day. It also may seem inevitable, if two single and mutually attractive people are around each other on a regular basis, sparks will fly and thoughts will wander. It may be difficult to resist the urge but I can assure you that exercising self control will save you a lot of stress and complication in the future.

There are the obvious reasons why getting involved with someone you are in close proximity to is a stupid idea, these not limited to:

• You’re never allowed to have a bad/bitchy/crazy day
•  If you find that chemistry is lacking then it’s awkward because you have to turn them down AND see them daily. If there is a lot of chemistry with them then it will drive you to distraction in other parts of your life.
• You feel pressure to look semi attractive at all times, which is a near impossibility
• You run the risk of bumping into them and another conquest which inevitably lead you to feel like crap, like “wait? I’m not good enough”
• If made public, it will make it awkward for those around you.
• If it ends badly, avoiding them is a near impossibility. Running into someone you used to sleep with can be uncomfortable as it is, so if you do it with a towel around your head makes it that much worse.
• Your desire to be in a relationship may be clouding your judgement and may cause you to lose out at a real friendship

If you decide shun all of the advice then there are some guidelines you should follow:

• The only conversations you are allowed to engage in are ones regarding house/professional matters OR planning your next rendez-vous. The minute conversations develop into ANY form of getting to know the person then it will be ruined. You’ll find that you either can’t stand them or thinking they’re awesome, both being bad because feelings in general are a big no-no (even if they’re of contempt)
• Never ever ever ever ever mention, discuss, hint at anything emotional. Chances are you won’t mean it (we all get caught up in moments) and you’ll bitterly regret it
•  Drink a lot before you do anything. Then you have the “I was so drunk” excuse to fall back on.
•  If they want to stop your involvement, have some self dignity and don’t throw yourself at them nightly. Crazy isn’t attractive, crazy and desperate is even more of a repellent.
• Throwing things is NEVER the answer.

The truth is the biggest mistakes are not so much in the actions themselves, but more the way we handle ourselves after the fact. In reality, there is something nice about having a comfortable and easy fling that falls into your lap, especially if it comes with an expiration date.

I have always been a firm believer that “things aren’t awkward unless you make them awkward” and I tend to conduct myself in such a way that, I simply pretend certain situations and occurrence didn’t happen. Which some may deem as immature but I find is survival tactic 101. It is, however, slightly more difficult if there is nowhere to escape to. The bottom line: Unless you're looking to move around a lot (both in your job and house) Keep your home and office separate from matters of the heart.

*Thanks to JLMF and I'm sorry I stole your car metaphor but I really liked it; the guys I've dated who, if cars, would be found in a luxury dealership; the friends who have made the above mistakes so I didn't have to; and for the person who had a perishable thrown at their door,  bringing the phrase "messy breakup" to a whole new level.