See You At The Crossroads

I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm going through a rough time. I have mentioned before my intense dislike of discussing my intimate feelings or weaknesses with people on account of the fact that I don't think people really want to be around a downer and also I hate feeling vulnerable and exposed. I don't like looking weak. I know that's ridiculous but I've always prided myself on being "together" and "in control" and immune to breakdowns.

A good friend sat me down about five years ago and explained to me that part of the benefit of having friends is for them to be there in the bad times as well as the good. He earnestly expressed a desire to be there for me because he cares. He reminded me that I am always there for my friends so I should feel comfortable turning the tables sometimes. He insisted that sometimes looking weak is a sign of strength. While I processed his words, and (kind of) believed them, I have still struggled with opening up to people and letting them in. I've gotten better at it but I'm still pretty closed off emotionally. Getting me to talk about feelings is an uphill battle (just ask anyone I've ever dated or been close to) For a various amount of reasons I can't really get into right now, I have insane trust issues and my remedy for them is just to not trust, to not open up and to keep things to myself.

I'm going somewhere with this rambling.

I've been in a funk lately, something is not quite right. I am not entirely sure that this is a new thing, to be honest, but it's just one that has been increasingly evident in the last few months. I just feel like I am at a stage where I have no idea what I want. I don't know what I am doing. I have no direction. I feel like the life i am living here is pretend, that i am going through the motions.That I am trying to prove something. i have been questioning why I am even still in Hanoi anymore.I don't feel happy or fulfilled. I don't want to come home because that would be failing and frankly I don't know what I'd do when I got there.

I am aware that these feelings are relatively normal, especially for one in their mid twenties. We are all trying to find ourselves and figure this crazy maze of life out. I know I'm not supposed to have all of the answers and that part of learning and growing is to try new things and fail. That we need to take the lows to appreciate the highs. That is is essentially called growing up. Knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier and living in Hanoi only heightens the sense of hysteria.

Hanoi, as wonderful as it is in so many ways, also has its fair share of drawbacks and lately I've been spiraling into them. It's isolating here, and can be very lonely, and despite having a strong network of good friends I can't really shake the feeling that I am ultimately alone here. I haven't really ever been alone before and it's freaking me out. Being here, I have all of this free time that I am not used to having and in it I have found that I've become overly analytical. I think way too much about things that are really stupid. I stress out and worry in ways I never used to. I find that being here alone is making me think and act in ways I don't like and feel like at times, I am going crazy. (Some of my recent actions might even back up this theory)

AS I mentioned earlier, this may not be a new problem. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not. I left NYC and my life there for an adventure-sure-but also because I didn't feel fulfilled there either. I wanted something more and just wasn't sure what it was. I guess I naively thought a change of scenery would make everything crystal clear but it hasn't. Maybe moving here, although it's kind of driving my insane, is a good thing. Maybe I needed the time to think and face the things I spent time running away from and avoiding in NYC. Or maybe not.

I know I sound awful right now. There are people with real problems in the world. I am luckier than most. Maybe that's another issue, that I'm used to everything in my life being perfect and easy and it hasn't been likely and I am having issues coping.

I know I have options. I can always move home and return to the safe comfortable world I left behind. I can stick it out here and see if it subsides and transitions into something better. Right now I am leaning towards the latter. Exploring other career options to challenge and excite me, keeping myself inhumanly busy, and of course leaning on my friends.