Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Forever and Always

I'm still in a state of shock when a good friend of mine gets married. I am always really happy for them, of course, but it's like I can't believe it's actually happening. I don't feel old or mature enough to be in a position to commit the rest of my life to someone. Throughout my college career, I lived/blocked with sixteen girls and an ASTOUNDING 7 are married (1 with a baby and 1 pregnant) and 2 are engaged leaving the single ones in the minority. A fact that I am completely ok with, yet still causes me to question whether or not I am normal.

Even dating someone for four years I still never felt close enough to settle down and be an adult. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe that's part of the reason that I took off to Asia, because over there, the sense of responsibility and duty seems to be non existent. Everyone there is more concerned with their own personal mission and growth and appears to shun the formality and institution of marriage. Living in NYC with my perfect boyfriend had my head spinning, i constantly would wonder why I didn't have the marriage itch, whether he was the one, ad when I'd be "ready"...I truly believed if I had stayed in NYC we would've gotten engaged in the next year or so, not because either of us would've been ready or prepared for taking that next step but because it would've seemed like the obvious next move. Since moving to Asia, my brain isn't even programmed to think in those terms. I have become so completely selfish, so absorbed in the pursuit of my own happiness that i can't imagine being responsible for contributing to someone elses. I don't worry that I'll never settle down or that I'm getting old or that maybe I should grow up, I'm too busy enjoying life.

Anyway, that was a long rampage intro to my amazing weekend in Sonoma, where some of my best friends from BC all gathered to celebrate our former roommate, Annie, marry the perfect guy for her (who we all adore as well). It was a perfect weekend, because not only was I able to see some of the people i love the most in the world after seven months of being away, but I was also able to do fun things like go wine tasting and be in a stunning location to celebrate the happiest day for my good friend Annie.

The setting was perfect, on a vineyard, beautifully decorated and free flowing wine that kept us all dancing late into the night. As i watched these two soulmates join together in their life together, I felt a combination of sheer joy for them and panic that (as I mentioned before) I don't know if I will ever be in the mindset. What if I'm alone forever? These, I think, are semi normal thoughts when you're single at a wedding with no obvious prospects. What bothers me the most though, is that 99% of the time i do't care, it's just th !% of the time when I feel like I should care that i get upset.

Anyway, Annie's wedding was beautiful, we all had fun ad are very happy for her. She deserves nothing but the bext. My other good friend and college roommate, Diana also got married on the same day and I was seriously depressed that i couldn't slice myself in half and be at both places so i could've toasted them both.

Congrats to you both. I'll join you in the ranks of martial bliss one day. We all know that I am a complete and utter sucker for love. I want nothing more than to be head over heels. I am a hopeless romantic and believe i soulmates and can't wait to get to a place where my whole life is intertwined with another. It just hasn't gotten there yet. I clearly have a lot of growing up to do...so until the i'll be runing wild all over Southeast Asia.

On a side note, my taste in music has drastically declined since coming back to to the US. Here's what is on repeat on my playlist
1. Just the Way you Are-Bruno mars (this is my new favorite love song, and think anyone interested in dating me should play this or send me the lyrics)
2. EMINEM's "RECOVERY" ALBUM which is so amazing. especially the songs: Seduction, So Bad, Space Bound, and Not Afraid.
3. If it's love-Train
4. I like it-Enrique Igeleseas
5. Ridin Solo-Jason Derulo
6. Illusions of bliss- sarah McLaughlan
7. Jeff Buckley's "Grace" cd
8-My First Kiss-3Oh!3

ps-Viet, I told your rhyming joke. I gave you credit


  1. First of all, the panic you experienced is exactly why men go to marriage ceremony to hunt for beautiful, single women in their weakest form.

    So...uh...well, know that you are not the only one thinking those things, chance is, the girls who were single at that wedding were drinking themselves silly hoping to find the one too. Only to wake up next morning to find some asshole who used the temporary weakness.

    And I really miss you and your reactions to my jokes. I got a bunch of new jokes now. This one is short and probably easy to tell:

    So a pirate walks into this bar with a boat steering wheel on his "thing".
    Bartender was like: Dude, you got a steering wheel on your ****!
    The pirate nodded, and grumbled: Arrrrrgh, It is driving me nuts.

  2. Viet-I love the joke. and i Miss you tons and tons. Friday at Bui? yes, it's true I'll be there.

    on a side note..maybe you missed the point of my blog. I DON'T panic at weddings. i DON'T want to get married. except to you that is. which will be difficult for obvious reasons.

  3. Feel like a century has passed since you went away, and yet decades more will pass before next Friday.

    Joking aside, lol denial much? we all know how comfortable you are in a relationship.