Quit Playing Games (With My Heart): Why Some Games Shouldn't Be Played

Dating can be hard. Really hard, actually. There may be some people out there who claim they don’t find it remotely stressful, but I have difficulty believing them. Fun? Sure. Easy? Not so much. When we start dating someone new, we’re in completely uncharted territory, trying to find the balance between remaining alluringly mysterious and openly receptive...while simultaneously trying to figure THEM out. We don’t want to appear too eager but at the same time shouldn’t be indifferent. 

Unfortunately, it’s become less about having fun and getting to know the person and more about strategy and analysis.  We put too much stake into whether or not our date is into us rather than thinking about if we’re into them (big mistake) and we often spend more time focusing on the destination rather than the journey (even bigger mistake!!!) By doing this, we actually miss the entire point of dating. It doesn't have to be like this, in fact, if it is, then you're doing something wrong. 

This isn’t an advice column about dating, since I already wrote one of those, and more importantly, am in no position to tell anyone how to date seeing as I am not exactly an expert on the subject. No, this is about games. The games we play with ourselves, the games we play with others, and the reasons why these are bad.

We're dominated by the games we play and the need to win. These games are a natural part of our existence, they apply not only to the relationships we have with other people, but also the relationship that we have with ourselves. We use games to propel us forward, to challenge us, and to escape reality. We use them to inspire us to reach new heights in our professional and personal life. We use them to manipulate things into our favor. We use them to create excitement and friction in our otherwise ordinary world. Sometimes, we don’t even realize that we’re playing them, they’re so deeply embedded in our state of being. It would be impossible to live in a society where games were not prevalent, but there are different degrees of games and at a certain point we need to evaluate whether they're worth playing.

I'm no exception, anyone I’ve ever dated will tell you that I was "hard to get," (but totally worth it!)  that, at times, they had no idea if I was even into them, and getting me to outwardly display affection? Forget it. I wasn’t intentionally playing the “hard to get” game, rather just reacting to the complex I'd developed, believing that as soon as I let my guard down, that the object of my affection would lose interest in me. That by telling them, “Hey, I like you,” meant that I’d lost the battle, abandoned my allure. So,instead, I kept people at arms length, as a form of protection, taking the plunge only after feelings on their end have been validated, thereby minimizing risk.

One of my biggest fears is making myself vulnerable only to be rejected, and as a result, I have spent so many hours of my life being afraid of letting go. Of assuming the worst as a way to defend myself from it actually happening. (On a side note, it's happened. Multiple times. I'm still standing, so guess it's not such a big deal after all.) Remaining outwardly indifferent so as not to appear vulnerable. I just didn’t want to let someone know that they had power over me because then there was a chance that I could lose. And that’s scary.

Though one day, quite recently actually, I realized that this is a terrible way live life, it’s a lose-lose. If these things are going to happen, they’d occur regardless of whether or not I started out with my guard up. I'm also not relinquishing power by admitting that I like someone, in fact, by doing so, I'm empowering myself to go after what I want in life and living honestly. Furthermore, and more importantly, I wasn’t having fun. It wasn’t enjoyable to be neurotic and, personally, I want to enjoy myself. 

So I've started putting myself out there. Or at least trying to.  It's not always easy. For me, dating without my shield is equivalent to showing up to the date naked. In fact, I'd rather do the latter and just feel self conscious rather than emotionally exposed. But, however daunting it may be, lately I've been trying to embrace it. I’ve done my best to date with an open mind and without some impending doom cloud hanging over me. Not only that, but with a whole new attitude of, “What have I got to lose? It’s just dinner. If it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t work out. No big deal.” Because, really, it’s not. 

There is truly no reason for it to be stressful to go out and get to know someone. This mentality isn’t foolproof because we’re humans, and by nature, we want people to like us, so at times it can be slightly terrifying and  incredibly awkward (if you’re me that means lots of rambling, talking about exes,  and blurting out random things) but honestly, it feels a lot better to just go with it. Take a risk. Have some fun. Not think “What if it goes horribly?” but instead, “Hey, why not?! Bring it on!”

So far, I have to say there is something liberating forgoing the whole games thing. First and foremost, it is a time saver. Playing games just delays the inevitable. People’s personalities and intentions don't change after the game has been played or won. But you might take a long time to find out what/who they are, time you don't really have if it's time wasted. Avoiding games completely gets to the bottom line much more quickly, thus saving time, energy, and expediting the good/minimizing disappointment.

Removing games from the equation increases transparency, which is not a bad thing. For whatever reason, people seem to look at straightforwardness like it's some kind of detriment. Like it's bad to know what you want and vocalize it. There is nothing wrong simply telling someone how you feel about them. The worst thing that happens is that it’s not reciprocated, in which case you can shake it off and move on. It’s a lot more productive than sitting around wondering what things mean, or the best next way to proceed. Who has time for that? Who wants to do that? Certainly not me. Just be honest. It’s actually pretty easy. Look at it from another perspective, think about how great it feels when someone is open and honest with you. When they tell you you're great and they like you. It feels pretty incredible, doesn't it? So return the favor. Treat people the way you'd like to be treated (it is the Golden Rule after all!)

Succumbing to games and rules can be incredibly limiting and additionally, quite stressful. Not mention completely exhausting.  When immersed in the game, you spend way too much time calculating and thinking and less time in the moment, actually living the experience. It detracts from your good time, it prevents the other person from getting to know the real you, and it isn't a good foundation for any kind of meaningful connection. Some games are pointless and detrimental. Stop thinking, stop orchestrating, enjoy, and just be. it's much better that way, I promise.

*thanks BK, PW, CM, and GS for being instrumental in helping me gain this perspective