Cruel to be Kind: Why Rejecting is So Much Harder than Rejection

When we go on a date, or enter into a relationship with someone, it's (usually) with the hopeful optimism that it's leading somewhere. Sometimes it works out and we end up spending the rest of our lives with that person, but a lot of times, it doesn't. Whether it be after one date, one year or one decade, we find ourselves having to partake in the inevitable "Not seeing each other again" conversation.

I hate those. Who am I kidding? Everybody hates those, except maybe sociopaths. (Stay away from them!) But as a general rule, there are a few things I hate more than having to tell someone I'm not into them.

So I don't. I, a person who champions honesty and transparency, am a complete coward and hypocrite. I am notorious (this is annoying to my friends) for not being interested in perfectly eligible men for reasons they-my friends- find trivial but I hold steadfast to. (We'll talk about standards in another post) So I lie. I make up excuses.  In the event of an emergency, I ghost...anything, really, anything but telling someone that I just don't see it happening, or they're not my type.

I've spent a good deal of time trying to convince myself that this makes me a good person, a considerate one, for not hurting people's feelings. But just as I am lying to those poor men, I'm also lying to myself: it's not remotely nice, it's mean and deceptive. And it's also something I would hate if/when it is done to me. Yet the cowardice continues.

The good (or bad?) news is that I've discovered that I am not alone in this. Most people would seriously consider limb amputation or a root canal rather than face the wrath of someone's rejected feelings. Because we're good people, right? We don't like causing someone pain, right? The more I think about it, the more I'm believe that our hesitation to reject someone is actually: Us not wanting to feel uncomfortable. Our altruistic act is actually one of selfishness driven by the fear of the unknown.  If we reject someone, the outcome is unpredictable. We don't know what their reaction will be (volatile? docile? hysterical? indifferent?) or what the fall out will be (will they let us go gracefully? Or will they start showing up at our front door at 3am drunk and crying?)  The risk of it shaking up our lives terrifies us beyond description, so we protect ourselves by claiming to be considerate. 

However, the consideration is only to ourselves, and if we're honest with ourselves, we'll admit that.

 I've had conversations about this with people, and, across the board, (This has never happened!) everyone agreed on five things:
1. We hate having to reject someone. 
2. If someone rejects us, we are sad/hurt feelings, but we move on "at least we know" It's hard not to feel slighted or a jab of pain when someone tells us they don't like us. But we get over it.
3. We would rather someone tell us they're not into us than lie because (again) "at least we'll know" and "we won't have false hope") 
4. Despite appreciating #3, we can't bring ourselves to do it. We know that if someone isn't into us, we'd rather they tell us so we can't stop pining, hoping, ordering monogrammed towels and move on. We know this yet we don't follow the golden rule.
5. Rejecting is harder than rejection: we would, as a general rule be hurt than be responsible for someone else being hurt. Again, I am not sure if this is because we are kind hearted or simply don't want the extra burden of guilt. 

I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine whose colleague is making advances towards him which makes him uncomfortable because he's not interested. When I asked how he's dealt with it, he told me he was just ignoring it because he "didn't want it to be awkward" and "figured she'd stop eventually." I told him to just flat out say no to her, that by saying and doing nothing was giving some kind of hope to her, and his disinterest clearly wasn't getting through. he still doesn't want to, mainly because the fallout is out of his control and he isn't sure he can handle the awkwardness. I called my friend selfish and mean, but quickly admitted to him, that I was a hypocrite and would probably do the same, sharing with him some of my go-to "go away tactics. The worst of which I will share at the end of this post as a "Top Tip." 

While the above is written in the frame of mind of early stages of dating it can also be relevant to people in established relationships. Leaving is never easy, though in my experience, leaving something long term is hard for different reasons-as we seem to have little problem telling those we've known and loved for a long time everything that's wrong with them. Ironic, right? That relative  strangers receive more outward consideration than those we have shared our beds, lives, and hearts with for months or years. The fact is, we don't generally hurl scathing insults at people we don't know-or exploit their weaknesses, but we do to ones we once loved. Which isn't good either.

The point is, leaving, telling someone you don't want them is always complicated and often times, it is the leavers who struggle more- for they not only have to take action to end it (whether it be ghosting or being a kind, mature adult and saying it face to face) but they have to stand by their decision: even if it means watching tears, listening to angry words, or having the other person try and question or contradict their decision.

If you are no longer interested in someone, then prolonging your relationship is doing a disservice to the both of you. But it's how you end it that  is one of the things that we just can't seem to get right...but what if we really tried to challenge ourselves to honesty-both within ourselves but also to those around us? What if we challenged ourselves to overcome being uncomfortable with being direct, and telling someone the truth-with tact and compassion-but without an excuse or escape. If we relinquished control and trusted those we reject to accept the truth with their honest reactions (stalking and crazy is not ok) so then we could just move on, truly. Because when there are lies and excuses involved, often times, only one party gets over it, and the other one is left pondering or revisiting.  

That would be my suggestion. And it's really hard and maybe some people will hate you and berate you, but wouldn't it be better to be in the firing line for someone you are versus someone you're not? It's not just about the other person, but also about having the integrity and strength of self to own up to your actions and feelings. You can do it. I can do it. We should all at least try.

Top tip: don't tell someone you're moving out of the country unless it's 100% guaranteed you are...because it's extremely awkward to be invited to a intimate dinner party a year later to discover one of the other guests thought you had moved to Africa. To be fair, I had been thinking about it- and "I am looking into conservation roles so might move to Africa and don't think it's the right time to  start a relationship" is SO much nicer than, "You're needy and borderline creepy, I felt smothered after one date."

Thanks to everyone who took part in conversations surrounding this subject and post. To the men who were always honest with me and to the friends who challenged me to practice what I preach. 

Virtual Insanity: The Downside of Digitalised Dating

From the beginning of time, humans have wandered around searching for their other half, the one to share their life with: build a family, make memories, and take on the world with. While our quest to allocate this person hasn't changed, the methods of how we conduct this search have evolved considerably.

When I joined the dating scene 17 years ago (oh my gosh, I'm old!) people met at weddings, parties, bars, through friends or work.  When online dating first appeared, it was regarded as a bit of a taboo, raised eyebrows and spoken about in hushed tones with the implication that it was weird if you "couldn't" meet someone the traditional way. 

Nowadays the norm is downloading an app, swiping left or right, chatting about relatively boring things before agreeing to meet up in real life and see how it goes. Romance is when the person you've been seeing deletes Tinder. 

I'm still trying to wrap my rather old fashioned head around this approach because, despite seeing the benefits (widening options, convenience for hectic lifestyles, accessibility) and having many friends who have met their S.O. online, I am more struck by the negatives (not just my fear of crazy stalker killers) and think that perhaps in our quest to digitalise dating, we've lost the human aspect of it.

I've noticed that people don't talk to one another anymore. We are in an era of instant gratification, we can have anything at any time and that now extends to romantic dalliances. These apps dehumanize people and objectify them: We swipe left or right based on purely physical attraction, when in reality, chemistry and attraction can manifest after a good conversation, shared joke, or simply time. By limiting our interactions to online, we are potentially losing out on those moments that build truly great relationships. 

I'm not, for a single second, saying they can't exist within the confines of those who we've "matched" with, nor am I discounting the importance of being attracted to your partner but simply pointing out that attraction stems from more than a great smile and chiseled abs. The last person I fell in love with was someone who, while good looking, also made me laugh beyond what I thought capable and it was THAT which resulted in me finding him the sexiest man on the planet...something I might not have discovered if I'd come across him on an app. 

The online dating from 5 years ago, the Match.coms of the world differ greatly from popular culture apps like Tinder. The former are based on algorithms promoting compatibility whereas the latter is far more superficial. 

Tinder, Bumble and even some of the more old school sites also provide a security blanket that we don't get in real life dating: 

1. There is no sting of rejection and little risk. If you "like" someone who doesn't "like you back," the sinking feeling of rejection, warm face, and moment of self doubt doesn't occur. Your ego remains intact. In fact, you're probably swiping right to so many people that you won't even know someone hasn't swiped back for you. There is little risk. 

2. Instant gratification trumps establishing a bond. I have harped on and on about the importance of chemistry and how it either exists or not, but digital dating allows us to make almost no concessions for the notion that, often times, things build over time and we can't get a read on a person or situation over a coffee. Before we had endless options, we'd go on several dates with someone before declaring them a dud. These days, our expectations are so high, and we are so addicted to this notion of perfection that if the first date isn't great, we move on to our next match. Again, i'm certainly not suggesting we settle for mediocrity or continue to date weirdos, but fireworks and cartwheels aren't always instantaneous. 

3. The probability of your ego being validated with a match within each session is high. In real life? Not so much. I don't care how gorgeous, smart, or engaging you are: everyone has dry spells but with dating apps, you never do. There are always more options.

4. You don't have to do much work. It's all there in front of you.  When you're out-why speak to the cute guy/girl a few steps away? That's effort-plus what's the point? You have someone at your fingertips. It means people go out and essentially remain insular within their own group-which is a bit sad. Romantic component aside: the world is full of fascinating people and some of them are standing beside you as you order your g&t. You can never have too big of a network. 

5. We don't see people as people. I'm all about not putting all of your eggs in one basket but "chatting" with six to seven people at any given time is impersonal, not to mention, completely exhausting. It also means they're basically interchangeable and relatively forgettable. It becomes easier to ignore them, ghost them, or write them off for a minor offense. I have often spoken about not settling for less than what we deserve, but am finding that tolerance levels are at an all time low. (I am as guilty of this as the next person, writing someone off for a text that I perceive as dumb or dislike the tone of.) We don't care because we don't actually know the person, we haven't invested anything real so therefore it's easier to delete them from our memory. (To be fair, texts are so often misconstrued from people that we DO know, that strangers barely have a chance to make it past our screens to real life.)

I've had countless conversations about this recently, trying to figure out why. Why people don't speak to one another anymore and the answers are identical: "dating apps are easy" and some variation of "fear/risk/rejection." In our mission for efficiency and self preservation we're  losing the plot and a bit of our humanity. What happened to doing something that scares us? Or the fact that with great risks come great rewards? If you read an interview with the world's most successful people, they talk of risk, the unknown, and how they forged ahead anyway, following their dream. Because in their mind, the positives of potential far outweighed the negatives of failure, or the unknown of not trying. Why not apply these same techniques to love? 

I don't think the answer is to forgo dating apps and sites, because, negatives aside, there are positives, namely the ability to meet someone you would not otherwise meet. What I am saying is that we've gone too far in the other direction. Just as online dating was once met with incredulity, IRL (that's "in real life" for those non millennials) connections are now met with the same shock and wariness. We thinks it's weird and are suspicious if a stranger sparks up a conversation with us, something must be wrong with them. Smiling and eye contact is received with a stare down.

It's almost comical that despite many seeking out a long term partnership, actually securing one is a challenge. It doesn't seem to matter if our end goals are the same, we struggle on the path of getting there for simple and obvious reasons: chemistry, compatibility and commitments. I think the answer is to combine the both: embrace the opportunities and options presented by digital, but don't stop real life interactions. Talk to that cute girl/guy at the other side of the room. Worst case scenario they scream and run away (unlikely) but maybe, just maybe they'll turn out to be the love of your life.

Thanks to everyone who partook in conversations around this subject, including: my friends who met via app; men I met via app who patiently spoke with me about this; friends; and the IRL romances who have kept my standards high, my heart full and my idealism intact. 

Complacency is the Death of Romance: 15 Ways to Not Take Your Partner for Granted

Today is Valentine’s Day, and though I wrote this entry a week ago, I waited to post it. I’ve never really understood why Valentine’s Day is such a thing, why people buy into this theory that they need a specific day to be romantic and display their love. Despite being based on a pure sentiment, the day itself is contrived, it’s materialistic, and it’s unfulfilling. Valentine’s Day, for me, detracts from what makes truly great relationships shine. 

It’s simple: If you care about someone, love them even, then show them every single day. Not by grand gestures but by simple things and the way you treat them.  (Grand gestures are ok too) Romance, seduction, flirting, and courting our other half are essential parts of any relationship and should be ongoing throughout, not delegated to specific days.  

The death of any romantic relationship is complacency.  It’s so easy to do (in fact it’s harder to not let it happen) but happen it does, slowly building up before it overtakes the entire relationship. There comes a point where we stop appreciating and trying and start taking our significant other for granted, which can lead to a myriad of destructive choices.  Most of the time we don’t even realize we’re doing it, but if we’re at the receiving end, the feeling is overwhelming. We feel under appreciated, we crave attention and long for the way things were before we got so comfortable. It’s dangerous on both sides, for feeling rejected and unloved drives us to deep levels of unhappiness which can cause us to act out, whether it be for attention or simply to feel loved again.

It seems that in every relationship I’ve ever been in, or been privy to, there is always a time where someone says the romance has fizzled out, that “He doesn’t flirt with me anymore” or “She doesn’t appreciate everything I do for her/us” comes in, and with that, resentment and a yearning to feel validated and desired.  It can break our heart, our spirit, and our desire to try.

Now, we’re not naïve enough to believe or expect that long term, stable relationships can operate as they did when they just started out. That would be unrealistic and frankly unhealthy. Naturally, as relationships progress, the stardust of the intoxicating honeymoon stage settles and shifts into a routine. The real, every day life. In many ways, the stability of this is wonderful: we know who were are and where we’re supposed to be, but it doesn’t change the fact that we all want to feel like the person we’re sharing our life with feels as lucky to have us as we do them.

I’ve been speaking to both men and women about this. As usual, there seems to be a disconnect. In fact, it’s a wonder at all that we’re able to sustain relationships, when the way we think can be so different. The only thing that we have in common, is that we have the same fundamental needs and desires, it’s just the way we want them to be expressed comes in different forms.

The more I spoke to people the more I realized how easy it could be, if we stop thinking about it from our perspective and start considering theirs. That’s the crux of the issue, I think, the misunderstanding of what the opposite sex wants and needs to feel valued.

WOMEN:

It’s very easy, as a woman, to complain that once our man has caught us, that he stops trying. We recount the early days when he flirted with us and complimented us. When we’d blush and giggle. We no longer feel like we’re being seduced, but instead there is an expectation that we’re theirs and that’s a given. We love them, so they don’t think we’ll leave them. We don’t want to leave them but we want them to want us. To find us alluring, and magical and be slightly in awe of the fact that we reciprocate their feelings. We feel that once we’re established, these things stop, and they stop making us a priority.

 In our minds: we’re easy. We just want attention, appreciation, and affection. We want flowers because it’s Tuesday, not because it’s Valentine’s Day. We want you to tell us that we’re beautiful and that you love being with us. We want you to kiss us like you’ve never kissed us before and love us like we’re being reunited after months. We want to feel considered, not like an after thought. We want you to notice our new outfit, or that we cut our hair, and just randomly compliment something about us. We know you see us all the time, that we can be annoying, and deep down we know you’re with us because you want to be, but that doesn’t mean the reminders aren’t valued.  When we don’t get these things, we act out, become disenchanted and unhappy.

Now this is our fault too, as I’ll highlight below because women also stop trying, though, like men, we don’t realize it as comfort and complacency creep in.

MEN 

I’ve been told, are not as complex as women, though I know many who will disagree. A friend of mine (a man) told me the other day that “Men are easy, we just want our partner to keep trying, to have sex with us,  to need us, and to be nice to us.” Which sounds almost identical to what women want. So where’s the issue?

When we first start dating someone, we tend to make an effort: with our appearance, our demeanor etc. We style our hair, wear flattering outfits, and compliment the man we’re with. We’re appreciative of the little things he does to show he cares and we mention it. We thank him for things like, picking up the milk, or making us a cup of tea in the morning…until we stop. We stop recognizing that those are very nice things, thoughtful things, and we start expecting them. “Thanks for the coffee” turns into “You didn’t make my coffee?” or “Ugh this coffee is too strong/sweet/milky” We stop asking for their help and start resenting when they offer advice.  Instead of thanking them for being considerate and trying to make our lives easier, we pick out the things they’re not doing or saying.

This is a huge mistake. Just like men can’t expect women to just “be there because they’ve been won over” women can’t expect men to continue their practical displays of affection because “that’s what they always do.”

 We feel comfortable with them so we go from making an effort to not even brushing our hair. We want to feel desirable yet we fail to replicate the things we did to attract them in the beginning. (Now I am not suggesting, by any means, that women walk around like Barbie dolls. Makeup free and yoga pants are great, and if you can’t be comfortable in that with your partner, I think that’s sad. It’s also unrealistic, job, life, kids, come into play and their simply isn’t the time to primp every day.) But sometimes it needs to happen. Sometimes we need to make the effort to show that we want them to find us attractive.

So here are some simple rules to not take your partner for granted:

1. Every day, think of something you love about them. Tell them.
2. Regularly do something considerate for them
3. Thank them for the little (and big things) they do
4. Express feelings. Because we think so differently, and we assume that once someone’s with us that they should be able to read our minds or “just know.” They can’t and they don’t, and because of this we become angry and resentful. Talk to each other. And listen.  REALLY listen. Maybe you won’t understand why someone feels a certain way or needs something, but if it’s important to them, and they’re important to you, it’s worth it to try and understand and more importantly, to actually do it. There is nothing worse than having to tell someone the same thing over and over again.
5. Let your partner be your partner. This sounds so basic but we often shut people out: maybe we’re trying to protect them, or be the strong one, or don’t even think about it, but everyone wants to feel needed, and they want to feel like they’re on the same team as the person they’re sharing their life with. Let them in.
6. Go on dates. Real ones.  Make a plan for this, maybe it’s once a week, once a fortnight, or once a month, but have the time set aside and do it properly.
7. Break routine.
8. Call/text/email  them for no other reason than to let them know that you’re thinking about them.
9. Kiss. A lot.
10. Have sex. Even if you’re exhausted or not in the mood. And be present in the moment.  A huge part of having someone finding you desirable is for you to desire them in return.
11. Stop complaining. No one is perfect, and that doesn’t mean letting everything slide, but nitpicking is unsexy and often times unnecessary. It’s easy to do, and easier to lash out on those closest to us, but is highly damaging.
12. Give them space. Everybody needs space.
13. Stop being selfish. Just think about it from their perspective…how they might feel, what they might want.
14. Never stop seducing them
15. Have fun with them. Laugh. Stop over-analzying and being serious all the time, and just have fun

Now obviously, I’m not married. But I have more married friends than single ones, and several serious long term relationships under my belt, and an interest in human psychology and relationships in general. I ask people questions and I listen to their answers and am not surprised when I discover that, generally, we’re all the same. I know that no relationship is perfect and that you can’t actually make a list of rules and expect for life to not come in and affect them. However, I also know that relationships require maintenance, they can’t just survive on past sentiment, but instead need an active approach to stay fresh and be reminded of why we got into them in the first place.

There is no worse feeling in the world than feeling like the person we love is taking us for granted and that we’re not special anymore, and unfortunately, the balance between routine and romance is a difficult one to navigate. But people do it, and I think the first step is awareness, followed by taking steps to ignite sparks, appreciate, focus on the good, and truly love someone for what they bring to the table vs what we wish they had. People, for the most part, respond to positive reinforcement over criticism, those who feel appreciated tend to work harder. If we feel loved, we give love. If we feel happy, we make those around us happy. It’s simple and highly complex at the same time.

The bottom line is this: just because we won someone over doesn't mean we automatically receive the benefits that come with them loving us. We have to work, to try, and appreciate.

Good luck and happy Valentine’s Day.

Thanks to everyone for the input and to J who repels the very notion of complacency.

How to Balance Your Romantic Relationship with Friendships: 10 Tips

“My plans tonight fell through again,” a good friend of mine lamented, “Ever since (redacted) got a boyfriend, she’s fallen off the face of the Earth, and any plans she makes, she cancels at the last minute.”

One of the most exciting things in the world is getting into a new relationship.  There is nothing that quite compares to the exhilarating getting to know you phase: where sleep is minimal but the rush of endorphins keep a spring in your step and a goofy smile on your face. It’s so much fun. Intoxicating. We’ve all been there, we get it.

The downside of partaking in these new relationships is that the old ones can suffer: in the whirlwind that has become our life, sometimes we forget about our friends. Or have friends who forget about us. This is tricky, because obviously, our friends want us to be happy/we want to be happy for our friends, and with new relationships comes the understanding that OF COURSE our time will be divided, but as adults, we need to find a way to strike a balance: not just for the sake of our friends but also for the good of our romantic relationship.

There are two main causes for choosing our paramour vs our friends: 1. We’re simply too caught up in our love affair to extract ourselves and 2. Our significant other doesn’t like/is jealous of our friendships. The 2^nd is worse but the 1^st is pretty bad too, because they are both damaging, and completely unnecessary.

10 Ways How to Balance a Romantic Relationship with Your Platonic Ones:

Make regular plans with your friends and don’t flake on them:  Again, everyone knows that being in a relationship means your time is split differently than before, and no one expects for everything to remain exactly the same. If you normally met up with your friends 4x a week, and you clearly can’t keep that volume, then fine. But meet up with them once or twice a week. And don’t just choose times that the person you’re dating is not around. I had a friend who, once she started dating her fiancée, disappeared off the face of the Earth. The only time she was ever free was when her boyfriend was at work, so expected our dinners to become lunches.  Were we all happy for her? Yes. Did we understand why she needed to eat dinner with him every single night? No. I’ve also had guy friends, who once they got into a serious relationship, cease their friendship with their female friends. I’m not sure why, but I don’t think it’s acceptable.  Don’t do that. For one, it’s unnecessary, but more importantly, it’s not healthy to be codependent. People in secure, strong relationships are comfortable being apart from one another, and actually encourage their partner maintain a life outside of the relationship.  Remember: you had a life before, there’s no reason you can’t have one still. Oh and, don’t cancel plans every time, that’s lame and quick way to lose friends.

Include Your Significant Other SOMETIMES: It’s always nice when friends get along with our partners, and even nicer if we can merge our worlds from time to time. Our partner should be willing to do this (and vice versa) because what’s important to us should be important to them. But don’t bring them along every time. It changes the dynamic and the mood, and friends won’t be as “cool” with it as they’re pretending to be. Now: if you’re in the same group of friends and you get together, it’s obviously a bit different, as you can’t expect for someone to just stay at home or make all new friends just to prove a point. What I do know is this: over the course of my life, I’ve been in a situation where there were couples in my group of friends, but what made it so great is that they weren’t obsessed with being together the whole time. Sometimes one of them came out, or both, and it was great either way.

Have at least one hobby outside of your relationship: This is really something that we should be doing, relationship or not, but partaking in something that interests us is a great way to keep perspective and a strong sense of independence and self. Whether it be kickboxing, choir practice, or volunteering, doing something you enjoy with likeminded people breeds confidence and happiness.

Don’t only hang out with couples:  This seems to happen a lot, as soon as we get into a relationship we suddenly are going on double date after double date or are hanging around people who say ‘we” instead of “I.” Couples retreats are fun, but your single friends are just as much fun and don’t deserve to be excluded simply because they’re flying solo.

Don’t obsessively gush about your relationship: First of all it’s boring, but also it’s narcissistic. We all have moments where we NEED to talk/share/vent, and friends are great for that, and generally happy to be there. But it can’t be every single time.  No one needs to hear about the cute texts he sends you every hour. Friends are happy for us, but at the same time, our relationship with them needs to be about our relationship with THEM: shared interests, the things we talked about and did before. Also: limit the PDA if out with friends. It's great that you are affectionate and adorable, but if you're out with friends, they don't need an inside look at what goes on behind closed doors.

Don’t be in a relationship with someone who tries to control your friendships:  Sometimes our significant other will not get along with our friends, or us with theirs. It’s unfortunate when this happens, but it does. It is not the end of the world. We do not need to spend massive amounts of time with them together, and when we do, we can just be mature adults. However, unless there is a strong reason (the friend is dangerous, the friendship is toxic, the friend is deeply disrespectful and offensive towards you etc) then it is inexcusable for your partner to complain about who you choose to be friends with. Yet it happens, ALL THE TIME, and we often just cut off the friend to appease our partner. As I said, unless there is a strong and viable reason, then this shouldn’t happen.  How it should be:  My best friend, Ben**, has never dated a girl who could stand me. He has been told, on several occasions, that they didn’t want him to talk to me anymore. His response? “Alice is my best friend. That’s not going to change.” And it never has.

Don’t Share Other People’s Secrets with Your Partner:  When we’re dating someone, we tend to talk to them and tell them things. We share stories about our day, our past, and general anecdotes. And for whatever reason, we can find ourselves sharing stories/secrets/situations about our friends. This usually works one way, we rarely tell our friends private or sensitive information about our partner, even though we’ve known them for longer and trust them. The desire to divulge information is driven by something in us that wants to bring us closer to our partner, to SHARE, which is understandable, but shouldn’t be at the expense of others. One, it’s breaking trust, but also, it shapes and affects the way our partner thinks and feels about our friend, which is not something that we want.

Be Present Wherever You Are: In my daily life, I talk about the importance of being present a lot, which people tend to make fun of, “Where else would you be?” people ask. But in reality, a lot of the times we’re somewhere, we’re checking our phones, scanning Facebook or texting others, which takes us out of the moment and impedes on the time we’re spending with whoever we’re with. If you’re out with your friends, be present. Don’t spend the time thinking about rendez-vousing with your love or even engage in an ongoing conversation with them. Doing so makes you not “really” out with your friends and therefore not balancing. It’s harder if you’re in a long distance relationship, I know this, and have definetly spent time chatting to the person I was dating when I was out with my friends, but keep it to a minimum, enjoy the moment and the people you’re sharing that moment with.

Do Things With Friends that Would Typically Be a Relationship Activity: Anyone who knows me, would tell you that I actively hated the phrase “Girls Night Out” because I never understood why it had to be a special, planned evening, why can’t it just be the norm? I still feel this way, and inwardly roll my eyes when I see it but, at the same time, recognize its value and importance. I admit that members of the opposite sex, even completely platonic ones, change the tone of the activity. So if you need to call it a girls/boys night, then call it that. I was recently at ball, solo, and was lucky enough to sit at a table with 9 incredible, fun, married with children women who had left their husbands at home that evening, gotten all dressed up in ball gowns and went out and had a great time. It was a great reminder that not having a romantic plus one to events like this doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, in fact, it was one of the most fun nights I’ve had in a while, and I credit those women for that.

Remember to be Inclusive: I'm not just referring to outings and activities, but also information. There is a big difference between being single and being in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that someone who is single "wouldn't understand or care" about your relationship issues. This is somewhat similar to not only hanging out with couples in that, often times, once we're involved with someone, we tend to seek advice or share relationship anecdotes with others who are in the same boat as us, almost as if, someone single wouldn't get it. Of course they would! And do! Withholding this information creates an unnecessary divide and can weaken friendship bonds.

Cynical as it might be to say, there is a chance that this relationship won’t work out. In the event it doesn’t, you’re going to need and want your friends to be your support system when it falls apart…a pretty unfair thing to ask if you’ve all but abandoned them in meantime. (Though to be fair, if they’re really you’re friends, they’ll forgive you. If it does work out, then congratulations! But you’re still going to want to have a network of friends. They keep you sane, make you laugh, and are there for you in a way that a significant other can’t be. )

I’ve always been attracted to men who either live in a different city than me (long distance, though riddled with other complications, makes balancing easy: when you’re together, you are full on, and no one begrudges that, and when you’re aprt you can do your own thing) or workaholics whose demanding schedules leaves me with a lot of “Alice-time” which perhaps isn’t the best way to balance, but it’s always worked for me.

Whatever your situation, there is a balance to be found. An all encompassing, all consuming relationship is impossible to sustain and also incredibly unhealthy. In fact, the happiest/most stable relationships that I’ve been in and seen, were all ones where there was balance between “togetherness” and individuality. It’s not something that should be optional, but rather than essential.

*Thanks to my friends in relationships who make balancing look easy

**And to Ben, who has never let a girlfriend stop him from being my best friend, no matter how much she disliked me. I heart you, big time.

Rules for Getting Back With An Ex

The hardest part of any relationship is knowing when to end it and then actually doing it. Even if the answer is clear and obvious, we spend a fair amount of time either thinking whether we should, or, after the breakup occurred, what happened. Even if it was our idea, even if it was what needed to happen…we still think about it. And we move on, as one does. However, sometimes, despite all of our thoughts and decision making from before, we decide to give our ex another shot. To see if this time it will be different and we can make it work.

There was a time that nothing could’ve convinced me that getting back with an ex was a good idea. What’s done is done, it ended for a reason, there are so many people out there why be with someone it already failed with? And this is coming from someone who has nothing but good things to say about all but one of her exes. But over the past year, I’ve been around people who have rekindled former relationships (and have been in a situation myself where the idea became an attractive one) so have seen how getting back with an ex CAN work. That ending something doesn’t mean it’s over forever, but maybe we just weren’t ready for that person at that time and we needed the time apart to properly move forward again. So I did some research and found the “recipe for success” when it comes to giving love a second try:

Rules For Getting Back With An Ex:

Objectively look at the breakup:  When we think about previous relationships, we either look back with rose coloured glasses or wonder what we were thinking. If it’s the latter, I highly doubt you’re considering a reconciliation. If it’s the former, then you need to be objective as possible and think about WHY, if the relationship was so great, did it end? Maybe it was long distance, or you were too young and not ready, which are viable reasons (timing and location play a huge part in successful relationships) But maybe it was because you had totally different lifestyles, lacked shared goals, they didn’t prioritize you, or you brought out the worst in each other (to name a few) and if it was for one of those reasons, ask yourself: Is it really going to be different this time? And if so, how?

Talk about the previous issues but then let them go: Following up on this, you’re going to have to talk about it. Now, NO ONE enjoys long, drawn out conversations about the past and what went wrong, and I do believe that these should be kept to a minimum. Rehashing the past only hinders the future. However, at least one conversation covering these issues NEEDS to be had. Not only so you can get them out in the open and work through them, but also so that you can avoid falling into the same problems as before.

Make sure enough time has passed: A significant amount of time needs to have passed before you become romantically involved again. I’m not talking days or months, but a year, at least. You BOTH need the time to reflect, grow, and move on before finding your way back to each other. If anything, it’s so that you can make a coherent and rational decision about giving it another shot, rather than an emotionally driven one.

Ease into it: Most of the time, during the beginning stages of any new relationship, we spend the first few months getting to know the person. We’re not moving in with them or planning a wedding, but spending time with them and figuring out what makes them tick and if we are compatible. Dating an ex is a bit more complicated, because there is history and knowledge there, and it’s very easy to just jump back in and fall into a routine. Not that I have any problem with routines: routines are great, and comforting, and having a sense of stability is a wonderful thing, but you can’t latch onto your previous experiences with someone and transfer them to the present. This is a new relationship, and you’re both (hopefully) different people then the ones you were when you were together before.

Date:  Again, it might be a familiar person, but it’s a different relationship and you need to do all of the things that you would do with someone you just met. It may be tempting to want to order in food and watch Netflix in your apartment every night, but it’s a sure fire way for things to get old fast. You can’t skip out on the excitement that comes with a new relationship because you’ve already been with the person. Go on dates, real dates, laugh, talk, flirt, and spend some time apart.

Figure things out privately before you make any kind of public announcement: This is quite a difficult one, because we, by nature, tend to share with our friends and families what is going on in our life, and dating is one of those things. However, if the person we’re dating is an ex, it’s probably better to hold off sharing that we’re rekindling the relationship, at least initially. This is for several reasons: 1. We need to take some private time with our ex (the talking, dating etc) to see if we’re actually going to be able to make it work, or if it was something else driving us together. The last thing we want to do is explain, again, why it didn’t work out. 2: There will be preconceived notions or options. Some people might be hugely supportive while others might be disapproving. This is natural and would occur with anyone we date actually, but we need to figure out how WE feel about the situation before other people decide how they feel.

Avoid third party involvement: As I said above, our friends and family are going to have an opinion about our choice of romantic partner. And while we are lucky to have people who care about us and are invested in our happiness, at the end of the day it is none of their business. As long as we are competent, reasonable adults, then we are perfectly capable of making our own decisions (from what we eat to who we date) and we can’t allow other people opinions make too much of an impact. Now people may have legitimate concerns: if you ex was abusive, abused substances, treated you badly, or cheated on you etc, this will raise questions and concerns, as they should. But the bottom line is this: If WE have thought it through, and decided to let bygones be bygones, then that’s the only thing that really matters. People who truly love us will respect our decision, behave accordingly (no sniping at us or the ex-turned-current) and stick by us even when we do things they disagree with.

Make sure it’s for the right reasons: Just like embarking on any new relationship, you need to make sure it’s for the right reasons. These are legitimate reasons to be with someone: you genuinely love and care about them, you want what’s best for them, you bring out the best in each other, you make each other happy. Those are all valid and healthy reasons to be with someone. Here some wrong reasons:  You’re scared of being alone, you’re feeling unattractive and need an ego boost, you’re hurt/rejected by someone else, or you’re trying to prove a point (maybe your ex ended things and you want to feel like you have the upper hand.) Those are bad, unhealthy, will likely result in the relationship crashing and burning and above all, very selfish.

Don’t ask for details of in-between:  I have never subscribed to the notion of full disclosure to a partner. I don’t think some things are relevant or the business of anybody else. While I do think it’s good to be aware of certain things (serious long term relationships, how they ended and why etc) I think others (like how many people we slept with or dated or whatever) are unnecessary and frankly destructive to a relationship. What happened in our past should not have a bearing on our present or future. So while it might be tempting to figure out every single dalliance our ex had while we were apart, don't. It will only breed insecurity and cause unnecessary tension. What matters is the now…and the now is that our ex wants to be with us, and us them. So nothing more needed.

Now there is no guarantee that following these steps will result in a happily ever after, but then there is never any certainty when it comes to matters of the heart. In some cases, we might find that all of the reasons we broke up with in the first place are still present, and that we simply wanted to believe that things could be different, that WE/THEY were different. But in some cases, rekindled romances turn out to be the right decision and the right person. The main point is, if we feel it and want it, and think it’s a good and healthy decision, then we might as well go for it. The worst that happens is that it doesn't work out, and getting over them second time around will not only be easier (I mean, we did it before, right?) but will also provide us with the assurance that they aren't "the one that got away" but instead paving the way for the one we're supposed to be with.

5 Reasons Why Dating in Your 30's is Better than Dating in Your 20's

If I’m to believe books, movies and tv, I should be clutching my blow up doll boyfriend, sobbing, because now that I’m on the other side of 30, I have basically failed. There are, according to these mediums, very few options left, and I might as well exile myself to a life of spinsterhood. I already have two cats, might as well start collecting more J

Thank goodness I don’t believe everything I see/read. When I found myself suddenly single earlier this year, my first reaction was desolation followed by pure and utter panic because I realized that, at some point I’d have to start dating again. I HATE dating, which seems odd, all things considered, but believe me, I do. Or at least I did. Relationships I can do... but dating a non-friend always felt contrived and stressful to me. So I hated it.  But, I'm not sure when, something in me shifted, and I suddenly approached dating in a completely different way than I used to, and I think it’s because I’m older.

Admittedly, in your 30s, there are certain biological issues that start to become more relevant than they were when we were 25. But failing? There being no options left?  Hardly. At least not from what I have seen and experienced, both personally and vicariously.  In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that dating in my 30s has been immensely more enjoyable than dating in my 20s was. (This is not to say that I didn’t adore most of my ex boyfriends. We’re still friends, they read my blog, and they’re terrific.) What makes it better is MY perspective, which has evolved considerably. So I did some research, both asking friends but also reading scientific and psychological reviews and studies confirming that dating in your 30s is a whole different ballgame

5 REASONS WHY DATING IN YOUR 30’s is BETTER THAN YOUR 20s

 More confidence:  Despite the fact that I was consistently awesome on dates (I work in marketing, after all) I always found the whole process incredibly stressful and I’d always be nervous, regardless of whether or not I liked the guy. I was consumed, for mostly ego reasons, with being likeable.  I no longer operate like this. Now I walk in already knowing what I bring to table and am no longer worried about him liking me but rather “Am I going to like him?” I’m 100% myself, unabashedly, take it or leave it. And if it’s “leave it” then I’m totally fine with it. I’m not interested in wasting time on someone who doesn’t like or appreciate me for who I am. This has made the whole process actually fun rather than taxing.

No games:  I’ve never been a game player, but for the sake of the people that are: games subside considerably in your 30s. They’re exhausting, pointless and boring. The older we get the more we realize that finding someone we’re compatible with is a great thing, so we tend to not waste time and just be with them.

Independent: Most of us, when we’ve reached our 30's, have a more established sense of being and our lives. We’re not just starting out at our career, we have our own group of friends and hobbies, which means, usually, we have a strong sense of self and identity. Our relationships aren’t something we need to define us, but rather enhance the life we already have already built for ourselves.

Self awareness: We’re constantly evolving and changing, but in our 30s, we have more self awareness than we did when we were in our early 20s. (I don’t know about you but I am a different person than I was at 25. And thank goodness for that.) Basically: We know what we need and want. Each relationship we have, good or bad, is a learning experience, that we hopefully walk away from better than we walked in. We have figured out what works and what doesn’t, what we like and don’t like, what we want and need. So we don’t waste our time pursuing fruitless or futile endeavours. Our standards are also higher and we are less tolerant and forgiving of bad behavior, and as a result, waste less time. We also obsess less on the little things and focus on the things that actually matter.

Less jaded: Some people might say, “What on Earth is she talking about?!  Failed previous relationships make us MORE jaded.” But I don’t think that’s actually the case. Think back to your first heartbreak: it was devastating, you probably thought the world was going to end and you’d never love again. Now…doesn’t that seem silly? The more breakups we’ve had, the more we know that no matter what….we’re going to be ok and get through it. We WILL move on and find someone better. And that’s pretty powerful knowledge to have. We might, perhaps, be more cautious to enter into a new relationship when we’re older, but I think that’s more due to our standards and not wanting to disrupt our lives as opposed to be afraid.

There are probably people out there who disagree with me and will lament that the dating pool is practically obsolete the older that we get.  There are also people who met their partners/spouses in their teens or 20s who are happily still with them. My parents (who have the best relationship I’ve ever seen) got married at 23. I have countless friends who got married in their 20s and who are in healthy, stable, and enviously loving relationships. And those people are incredibly lucky, but it doesn’t mean that the circumstances for the single 30-somethings are dire. Instead of fixating on the fact that we’re getting older, we should focus on all the great experiences that we’ve had that have shaped and defined us. We should concentrate on all of our successes and strengths. And know that, any relationship we partake in, is with a high quality individual who doesn’t make us feel  like we’re compromising but instead complementing.

The 13 Types of Men That Every Woman Should Date

The older we get, if we’re single, the more relationships that we have. Some people might find this depressing but, I, on the other hand, think it’s incredible that the world is diverse and vast enough to keep providing us with new options. During conversations with friends, we came to realize that none of us really stick to the same "type" but instead date men that are different from one another...which is not only fun, but is a constant learning experience. 

I asked my girlfriends all over the world what type of men are "must dates" and most of the types below reflect the majority. My guy friends wanted me to tell them what the women said. 

Before we get into types, The following 5 qualities are what the most women agreed on wanting in a man: 1. Across the board, every woman, no matter what her “type” is, said they wanted a man who is a good cook. Which, to me, is obvious and obligatory for a guy. So men, if you can’t cook: learn. 2. A good dancer. Good dancers are super sexy and a definite hot commodity. So Twinkle Toes, get your dancing shoes on and get ready to be swarmed. 3. Funny. A man who makes us laugh and doesn’t take himself or life too seriously. 4. A good dresser. Know what works and what doesn’t. Be adaptable and appropriate. This is all relative to “type” though. 5. Romantic. Again, what constitutes as romantic depends on the woman and the type. But I will tell you this: every woman wants to be feel appreciated and desired.

But those are just qualities. We’re talking about types. So without further ado here are the:

13 Types of Men that Every Woman Should Date*

(plus 7 bonuses)

The Older Guy: There’s the age old cliche of the older man and younger woman. Older (I'm talking 10+ years here) men are important to date because when we are with them, we experience relationships in an alternative way. Older men talk about different topics, introduce us to new things, and have a strong sense of self. which makes it easier to get to know them. They know what they want, they're less likely to play games, and they tend to have their act together in a way that's attractive, especially if the guys our own age are still flailing about or sowing their wild oats. When I was in university, I dated a guy who was 10 years older than me, and though my friends made jokes, I loved the fact that his goal for the week was not trying to find a different house party (or coed) every night...but instead talked to me about current events, books and theatre, and also gave incredible insight and advice regarding my career. (Which he still does actually.)

Cons: Older men tend to be more stubborn/set in their ways. Can also be patronizing or treat you like a trophy.

The Mr. Good On Paper: We all have qualities that we look for in a partner. I have a LIST ;) and while it's important to have standards and an idea of what we want, in actuality, we might find that what we think we want doesn't actually translate from paper to real life. It doesn't make sense, really, because we “should” be compatible with them, yet we just aren’t. Discovering this is actually a positive because it reaffirms that: when it comes to love, relationships and people in general, we can't control or place limitations on them. We're reminded that a checklist doesn't equal chemistry and that we need to keep our options open and not judge a book by its table of contents.

Cons: There aren’t really any aside from wondering “Why can’t I like this person?”

The Boy Toy aka Younger Man: Ah the younger man. (We'll say 5+ years difference) Younger guys are fun, sexy, refreshing, and usually a lot more devoted and adoring than their counterparts closer in age. I'm not sure why that is, but it seems to be the rule of thumb. But more importantly, younger men are less jaded, less serious, and usually aren't allowing themselves to be held back by their quest to "settle down." As a result, being with them reminds us why dating is FUN rather than stressful. We can let go, live in the present, and just enjoy the moment (and relationship) rather than obsessively stress about the future.  Despite still being teased about being a cradle robber, one of the best relationships I had was with a guy 8 years my junior.  I can honestly say that it made me believe in uncomplicated love again, which has been pretty influential in keeping perspective that relationships, which will at times have their tribulations, aren't actually supposed to be really hard and complicated. Most of the time they're supposed to be good.

Cons: they can be immature, don’t have same time restrictions as women, they may not be amused when you refer to them as a "Boy Toy" :)

The Player:  Dating a player is an immensely crucial relationship lesson. Players are usually charming, good looking, fun and they draw you in only to break your heart (after driving you crazy.) So why recommend dating one? Easy: Because they make you appreciate a good thing when you have it. And they also make you a better, more considerate person especially in future dates/relationships.

Cons: Your ego and feelings will be hurt. Don’t worry, you’ll get over it.

The Career guy/Workaholic: Ambition is sexy. It doesn’t matter whether their career path has them in a boardroom, strumming at open mic night or scrubbing toilets. It's not about money or prestige but more about being with someone who is together, driven, and passionate about what they do. Being around people like that is inspiring and energizing and it often makes us set higher goals for ourselves. But there has to be a balance, and dating someone who can’t  or won't balance makes us recognize just how essential equilibrium and being able to prioritize are. 

Cons:  A job is a lifestyle... not just a job, it will always come first and you will constantly be sidelined in favor of work, which feels pretty horrible. Workaholics are often selfish, and you will be compromising all the time. It gets old fast. Remember: You're never too busy to get what you want, so neither should they be.

Mr. Artistic: Musician or painter, writer or actor (etc)...Talent is a turn on. Not just because we, as a rule, like things that are good, but also when people are performing or showcasing their work, they are in their element: radiant, immersed, and oozing a magnetic confidence that draws us to them. They inspire us and make us feel things. (I don't think I'd find John Legend attractive without his melt-inducing voice) It also means they are passionate and can commit, because mastering any art form requires time, desire, and dedication.

Cons: They often work crazy hours, they are away a lot, they can be elitist, John Legend is already married.

The Academic/Intellectual/Nerd: Being intellectually challenged by someone is not only stimulating and interesting, but it is also humbling to be reminded that we don’t know it all.  You have a whole different kind of caliber of conversation: exhilarating debates, constant challenges, and well informed discussions that you walk away from, having actually learned something. It's invigorating. 

Cons: It can get a little stuffy, condescending or elitist, depending on the people. Also, there's no such thing as simple.

Someone that's a Different Race/Culture/Religion: We often surround ourselves with like-minded people because they understand us, and we share the same sense of fun and point of view. But this can be boring and stagnant. Dating someone who is different whether it be their race, their religion, or their culture will open up our mind and realities to a whole other world. We will find ourselves thinking about things that never previously occurred to us and might even find our previous beliefs and conceptions catechized.

Cons: We might face resistance from their/our friends/family. Sometimes the differences can be too much to overcome.

The Insanely Hot-but-Boring Guy: There are some people who are just insanely good looking. So good looking that we are, at times, lost for words when we look at them (and we can't stop staring.) When we start dating them we can't believe our luck, other women are envious and drool over the man sitting across from us at the restaurant. So we date them, and gaze at them and upload photos of them on facebook and Instagram (So many likes and comments!) only to find that, they're really, REALLY boring. Or conceited. Or annoying. Or anything unappealing. And we ignore it for a bit because, COME ON, he's a Prada model. Except after a while he stops dazzling us and we start thinking maybe he's not so great after all. We realize that while being physically attracted to our partner is obviously important, that looks aren't everything and we need something more. So we end it...but obviously save photos ;)

Cons: You will probably never date someone that hot again.

The “Not My Physical Type”: The first thing we notice about someone is what they look like, and our reaction to it. We may even have a type and find ourselves dating people who look exactly the same. And while I tend to gravitate towards men who are over 6'2, have sparkling blue eyes and resemble Vikings or GQ models, restrictions like that mean we’re limiting ourselves and perhaps eliminating someone people we may be compatible with that we wouldn’t know about if we’re being close minded. So if you have chemistry with someone that you wouldn’t normally be attracted to (the weedy guy, the buff guy, the tall guy, the short guy, the sloppy dresser, the metrosexual, the athlete etc…whatever is different than your usual type) then go for it. Date them and see what happens, you might be surprised.

Cons: We might have such self imposed limitations that we can’t get over them

The Bad Boy or Just Someone Totally Inappropriate: This is different than the Player because the Bad Boy/JSTI is not necessarily a womanizer, but just someone who makes you feel like a rebel, someone you wouldn’t bring home to meet your parents. They don’t come in any shape or form (but I did get a LOT of “tattooed, Harley driving” comments) but really in this day and age, someone inappropriate could be your boss, your ex boyfriends best friend, or even  someone who has staunchly different views than yours. Just someone who makes you feel bad in a good way.

Cons: Relationships can’t sustain on excitement and thrill alone.

The Best Friend/Friend:  Romantic relationships that are founded on friendship tend to either be incredibly successful or completely disastrous. Dating a friend works so well in theory because we get to skip the whole awkwardness and tension that comes with meeting someone new. Plus, we trust them, are comfortable with them, and we genuinely like being around them. AND, they already know all of our attributes and detriments, which means we can just be ourselves. It’s easy and relaxing but exciting in a whole new way. It is a reminder that we are always learning about people, even the ones we thought we knew so well.

Cons: Being friends with someone and dating someone are totally different experiences. Liking someone platonically does not mean you’ll like them romantically, even if you think you will or want to. Also, knowing someone means that we have higher expectations for them and we also get frustrated more easily if they annoy or anger us because they should “know” how that something make us feel. Or “How don’t you know that?” Finally, if it ends, you might lose them as a friend, which is a double blow. 

The Nice Guy: If I had a type, it would be The Nice Guy, though my friend Josephine would argue that my type is “men who look like dentists.”* Nice guys are GREAT: they call when they say they will, they’re considerate and sweet, they introduce you to their friends and family, they don’t play games, and most of all, you can trust them because they’re honest and reliable. There’s very rarely drama or guessing games, which is also a plus. It’s important to date a nice guy because, by treating us well and with respect, they show us how we should be treated and therefore we start setting higher standards for ourselves, and remind us to not settle for less than we deserve.

Cons: For me, none. For some, they’ll argue the nice guy is boring. Having a bit of an edge is important.

Honorable mentions:

Scandinavian: Because everyone deserves a Viking

Red heads: Because they’re rare, and every redhead I know is awesome.

Athlete/Health nut: Because they're healthy, fit, and usually bring that out in you.

Life of the Party: Because these guys are exciting, always fun and up for a good time.

Shy Guy: Because they're usually the hidden gems

Polyglots: Because speaking multiple languages is HOT. And they're great to travel with. 

The Wanderlust/Adventurer: Because there's never a dull moment, and you'll see/experience cool places with someone whose excitement is contagious.

Something most of these men have in common are that they are passionate about something, which makes them more interesting to be around. A good date/relationship will not only entertain you, but will also challenge you in one way or another. In some cases, these will develop into actual relationships. Others it only takes a date or few before realizing, "Eh, not for me." But these are all enriching experiences as they help direct us to figuring out whats important in a relationship, what values and personality qualities we need, and how to walk away with more than we went in with.  We make mistakes or watch other make them and gain insight from those. These are all eye opening experiences that provide us with the never ending opportunity of learning more about ourselves and others. 

*Authors note:

1. Obviously someone can be more than one type, in fact most are.. 

2. I have never dated a dentist. Or even seen/met a dentist that I was attracted to

Thanks to:
1. The dynamic, vivacious, fascinating women that I am fortunate to call friends, for their input, and general love and support
2. The extraordinary, enchanting, and effervescent men who I was lucky enough to date, therefore allowing me the ability to impart some firsthand knowledge in this post (And for encouraging me to include you as examples!!!! Hope I didn’t disappointment in my endorsements)