Happy Thanksgiving

I’ve always liked Thanksgiving, not because of the food, but because it is a time where loved ones come together and celebrate the good things in life.  There are no presents, no religious undertones, just a time of reflection, of giving thanks and appreciating what we have. Something that we should do more often. We spend so much time focusing on what’s wrong, what we don’t have, how things could be better, that we often find ourselves not recognizing the good that’s in front of us.

I am thankful for many things this year. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, enough to eat, am in relatively good health, that I have a choice in what I do and who I am. I am thankful for the opportunities that have been and continue to be afforded to me. I am thankful that I have never known true suffering and hardship.  I am thankful for my family,  who are incredible and have always been behind me, supporting and loving me. I am aware that not everyone is so fortunate.The list goes on.

This year, though, my Thanksgiving dedication is a bit cliché, but necessary. I am thankful for my friends. I had a pretty rough year, for me anyway. I struggled through a depressed phase, I had a few upsetting health situations, and I watched my life plan and future blow up in my face. Now I am aware that my challenges this year, though were tough for me, are nothing compared to so many people in the world. I realize that my worst year would be considered a dream for many which makes me feel even worse about the fact that I felt so bad at points throughout the year. But that’s not what this post is about.

My friends, from all over the world, were incredible when I was feeling broken and low. They let me know, through words and actions that I wasn’t alone, that I was loved, and reminded me that I was going to be GREAT, that I AM great, even though I didn’t believe them at all. They repeated these sentiments, citing examples or just being there until I believed them. Until I remembered who I was, what I was worth, and what I deserved.  I had fallen and they picked me up and held me until I stopped stumbling. They answered their phones at all hours, they came over at the drop of a hat, they listened, they cared, and they didn’t even judge me (to my face) 

They never once complained that I was being too needy and vulnerable, and they never once abandoned me during my time of need.  I took selfishly and they gave generously, asking for nothing in return.

I was shown unconditional love, patience, compassion, and support from so many people that it was IMPOSSIBLE to not sit back and think to myself, “Yes, things are bad. Yes, I have lost things…but look at what I haven’t lost. Look at what I have surrounding me.” Through them, I saw the life that I built for myself, the real one, not the one that I was currently existing in. I also saw how relationships should be, romantic or platonic, I was reminded of what expectations should be met, and what everyone deserves. I started refocusing on the things that matter, the people who matter. Over the years, I have collected incredible people that I am lucky enough to call friends, and my life is rich and utterly blessed because of it.

So thank you friends. Nothing I could write could even come close to giving you the accolades you so deserve. I can only promise to be as good a friend to you as you were to me.

And everyone, let’s start counting our blessings more regularly. Would save a lot of heartache and complaining, I think.

How To Take a Break: To Keep a Break from Turning into a Breakup

Note: In less than an hour after posting this I received approximately a dozen texts asking me about my current relationship status. While I am flattered that people care so much, in quite a short amount of time, I'd like to reiterate that:
My blog is about life and relationships. It is, by no means purely autobiographical. While I may write about my current state of affairs, or use examples drawn from my own experiences....MOST of what I write is inspired by the lives of those around me, or just things in general.

When we’re in a relationship with someone, we hope for it to be happy and fulfilling. Obviously, why else would we be in it? But sometimes it doesn’t quite work that way. Sometimes, relationships are stressful and hard and we find ourselves unhappy in them. This is normal albeit not ideal. Life is full of ups and downs, and people are uncontrollable variables, which, at times, can be a recipe for disaster.

When life gets in the way, we have two options: stick it out or leave it behind, but these all come with their own sets of complications as well. I used to be a big believer in two quite contradictory theories:  1. If you love someone, you’re there for them, for better or for worse. Commitment is about being there even when it’s not easy. You stick by your partner because that’s what you do, and what they should do for you. 2. You’re either together or you’re not, there is no such thing as taking a break. I say “used to” because I no longer believe in the second.

I used to think that “taking a break” was for people in delaying the inevitable, or having difficulty committing. I used to think the concept of taking a break was pretty much the stupidest thing that two people could do. It seemed wrong to me. Why should you need a break to find out if you want to be with someone or not? I guess I just didn’t get it, but I do now.

People take breaks for all kinds of reasons, and I think there is something to be said for admitting that you need time to clear your head and think before making a drastic decision. The fact of the matter is, in every other aspect of our life, whether it be a move, a new job, applying to university, we are given time to weigh our options without being condemned for our uncertainty. If we’re struggling with something, we often take a breather and work through it until we figure out a solution. We are allowed to go on vacations if we're burnt out. Why shouldn’t it be the same for relationships that have hit a rough patch? The answer is simple: because emotions come into play. And the scenario involves someone else, and there are all kinds of added pressures. We are told that it’s wrong if we don’t know what we want from another person, we are accused of being commitment phobes or not really in love but then told that it’s ok if we don’t know what we want career-wise. And we believe it! The double standard is staggering.

I have learned now that breaks can actually be healthy for people-if done right. Not only does it usually provide clarity but it also can make sure we are making well thought out decisions for ourselves, rather than impulsive emotional ones. I am no poster child for this, as I did everything wrong. My mindset wasn't what it is now so I didn't approach it the way I should've, essentially making the process a failure.  But I am using my retrospective insight, coupled with success break stories that I have been told to share:

How to Take a Break

Don’t look at it as the worst thing in the world: Ok yes, it’s not the best scenario. You’re in a precarious situation with high levels of emotion and stress and you’re hurt and unhappy. This isn’t good. But a break doesn’t necessarily lead to a break up. A break up is final. A break is a breather, a time for reflection, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you make your mentality that this is a time to think and relax, and believe that it can be a positive thing, then there is a better chance it will be.

Don’t rush: A break shouldn’t be a few days, or even a few weeks. A break should be at least a month, but no longer than three.

Actually follow through: A break means just that. Time apart. Not communicating. Not hooking up. Not spending hours reading through old texts and emails or stalking someones Facebook page. If you do any of these things, then you’re NOT on a break and you’re defeating the purpose of it. If you and your partner have decided that you need time apart….TAKE IT, PROPERLY. No excuses. Pushing an earlier encounter or reconciliation will only add to the pressure and the stress, and it will likely blow up in your face. I get it.  It’s excruciating to not be allowed to call the person that you love. Or to not melt into their arms after a long day. Or to not send them that email of that newspaper article that you think they’d like. It’s not easy. It’s terrible, and that fact that we aren’t allowed to contact them makes it even harder not to. But tempting as it is...don't. It’ll be better in the long run.

Think but don’t over-analyze:  Also incredibly difficult. We’re supposed to take some time for ourselves, to regroup, unwind, and just take a few steps back. But we’re also supposed to think about our lives and the other person and that can be a slippery slope. We can let our thoughts consume us, so much so, that we’re not really on a break at all…we’re just winding ourselves up into a frenzy. This will make it impossible to look at things objectively, and when you do actually meet up with your partner you will be more confused and stressed than before. Think about general things like how they make you feel, if you love them etc but not the nitty gritty things. And don’t obsess or overanalyze.

Look to Yourself: Remember: this is a time to think about YOURSELF, not them.  I know for me, I didn’t understand it because I was so obsessed with being apart and fixing things that I didn’t realize that it wasn’t just my relationship that was in peril, but also myself. I was lost, a shell of my former self, and was in no way capable of partaking in a relationship with someone else when I wasn’t even on solid ground myself. I needed the break to get myself together, only I was too consumed with the other person that I didn’t realize it. It was only later, after I put the pieces back together that I saw how broken I was, and I wish I had done it sooner. So my advice is: Look to yourself, think about what you want and need, make sure you’re where you need to be, and then think about the other person and how they apply to your life.

Acknowledge the past but embrace the future: One of the most challenging things about coming BACK from said break is all of the pressure that’s built up. Pressure to make it work, pressure to understand the other person, pressure from wondering what they’re thinking. If there’s too much pressure then the relationship is doomed.  It’s human nature to want to rehash every thing in painstaking detail but it won’t help. The decision you need to make is: Do I love this person and want to be with them? If the answer is yes, then DO IT but move forward. Stop blaming them for, stressing out about, or reliving things in the past. You have to look to the PRESENT and live there. Focus on why you want to be with them and rebuild your relationship. I’m not saying that you should completely ignore past issues but they shouldn’t be the focal point. They should be addressed swiftly and then finished. The only real thing you needed to know was that you love them and they love you, and that’s a very good place to start from.

Don't Jump Back In: You've just had time off and you needed it. You can't just expect for everything to be magically ok and perfect all of a sudden. Going from 0 to 100 will only ensure that you crash and burn. When you come back from your break, ease back into it. Don't spend every second of free time together or call and text all the time. You're rebuilding, and rebuilding takes time.

As I said, I broke every rule in the "Taking a Break Handbook"...I obsessed, I communicated, I rehashed, I rushed, and I was convinced it was the worst thing in the world. I was wrong. Breaking up was worse.  I don't know what would've happened if we had followed the rules and done it right. I can't predict things like that nor am I going to waste any time in "What-If" land. 

What I do know though, is that there is nothing wrong with people deciding that they need time to think.  I know that I wouldn't just accept a job offer without thinking about it, nor would I move to a city without visiting it first. I know that the rules I apply to my everyday life should also extend to my romantic one as well. I also know that things can't be fixed if the people responsible for fixing them are broken themselves. That the worst two things we can do in a relationship are: over thinking and overexertion of pressure (either on ourselves or the other person) That loving someone doesn't mean having to be with them all the time. That sometimes a break is EXACTLY what we need-not only for our relationships but also for ourselves. They allow us to come back refreshed, renewed, and ready.

*Thanks to my couple friends who have taken a break and patiently answered my nosy questions; thanks to a friend in need who inspired this post by asking me for advice, which I thought was a joke but apparently wasn't so I told him to do the opposite and then wrote about it; and to all of my friends who pointed out what I did wrong but only kindly rolled their eyes when I didn't listen.