Some people
say that men and women are incapable of being friends, that at some point, one will inevitably develop romantic feelings for the other which will alter
the dynamic in the relationship. While I don’t agree with this completely, I
will concede that falling for a friend is one of the most natural things in the
world. It’s also one of the most complicated.
When we’re
friends with someone, we already like them as people. We enjoy spending time
with them, they make us laugh, we have fun when we’re around them, we’re
comfortable with them and vice versa. When we’re friends with someone we’re not
playing a game or putting on act, they know us, they understand us, they’ve
seen us in both a positive and negative light and they like us anyway. With
friends there is also a support system, in those friendships of the opposite sex
also provide us with an insight to the other sex. I have spent countless hours
with my male friends either supporting them through girl troubles or having
them reiterate that I’m an incredible person who deserves a great guy. When our
friends pay us compliments, we believe them, we know they’re coming from a genuine
place with no ulterior motives. If we're going through a tough time or feeling insecure and unattractive, having someone wonderful from
the opposite sex remind us that we’re fabulous is a powerful morale booster.
Sometimes we take these relationships and use them to lift us up, but
sometimes, we look at the person we’re talking to and think, “Wait, why I am
not with you? I like being around you a lot and you clearly like me, so why am
I stressing about (insert name)?” We think about how much easier it would be to
just date our friend.
Sometimes
these feelings are legitimate, and we have, in fact, had a realization that the
person we want to be with has been standing in front of us but sometimes these emotions
stem from the confusion of the moment. The feelings we are suddenly overcome by
can be misplaced and are perhaps generated more from the desire to feel accepted and loved
for who we are. This is why it’s so confusing and, at times, precarious. We then
have to decide whether or not we ACTUALLY like our friend or if it’s just a
fleeting thing that we’ll get over and cringe over when looking back. And then
we have to decide what we’re going to do about it. Do we tell them? Or do we
just sit back and do nothing?
Rejection is
never easy, there is never an instance where it feels good to have someone tell
us that they don’t want us back, however it’s much worse when it’s a friend
doing the rejection. If it’s someone we don’t know that well, we can move on,
laugh at them for being stupid (while secretly feeling terrible) but if it’s
our friend, not only do we have to see them again, frequently, but we also run
the risk of losing them all together. Not only do we not get kissed but all of
a sudden we’re down one friend, a double loss, one large enough that makes
holding back an attractive option.
The first thing we need to do is think about it.
Actual vs Circumstance:
Self
Evaluation: It’s impossible to be
unbiased in our own lives, but we need to try and be as objective as possible. Take
a few steps back and really look at what’s going on. Are we going through a
tough time? Are we unhappy? Lonely? Any other type of feeling that makes us
feel vulnerable that would make us more inclined to seek out the comfort of
another person. What is it that we're feeling and looking for?
Discretion:
Most of us like to bounce ideas off of those around us, however in this
situation, it’s not always the best idea. The more people who are involved, the
bigger deal it becomes, and the greater the possible fallout. If we decide that
we like our friend but aren’t sure how they feel about us, the natural gut
reaction to seek validation, and we do that by asking others what they think of
the situation. People who know the both of you, people who’ve seen interactions
and know both personalities, but as tempting as this is to do, avoid it. It
puts the third party in an awkward position and can end up complicating things
on a whole new level.
Time: This
could be the real deal, or it could just be a phase. While I don’t ever
advocate denying oneself the chance at happiness, I do believe that time can be
a powerful indicator in this situation. Don’t rush into any declarations, but
rather wait and see if your feelings grow or subside. I’m not talking years,
here, but a month, at least.
Them-Evaluation:
After we’ve looked into ourselves and
figured out what our state of mind is, it’s time to look at our person of
interest. Why do we think we like them? Do we like them for the same reasons
that we like all of our other friends or is there something extra there? What
exactly is it that has shifted our perception of them? It’s more than just
suddenly realizing, "Wow, so-and-so is REALLY HOT" but more they way you feel
when you’re with them. So, suddenly thinking someone’s cute and wanting to kiss
them is very different than realizing that you’re at your happiest when you’re
around someone.
Be
realistic: Just because someone makes an incredible friend doesn’t mean that
they’d make a good significant other. We are drawn to our friends romantically
because we think about how easy it is with them, but in actuality, who they are
as a friend and who they are as a partner are completely different. I
count a lot of amazing men as my friends but I know that if we were together
that certain things about them would make us incompatible. We have different
expectations and needs from the person we’re dating then from our friends.
Be prepared: Be prepared for anything that will happen. Perhaps our friend will freak out and no longer want to speak to us. We must prepare for this. Perhaps we end up dating and it's a disaster and we lose them altogether. Perhaps we hook up and it's terrible. Perhaps it turns into an epic romance that has a happily ever after. We must be prepared for all situations.
After we’ve
evaluated the above we should hopefully have a clearer picture of our feelings.
So if we decide that we DO actually like them, what then?
I asked a
lot of people about this, if they’ve ever fallen for a friend, and what they
did when they realized it. I am of the mindset that the best relationships are
the ones that have the basis of friendship. We know that relationships are
complicated, there are ups and downs and we need someone on our team that have
a solid establishment with.
Ideally, in the situation of friends to lovers, the
person feels the same way and the situation unfolds naturally. That one
day/night/trip, things evolve and just happen. That we transition seamlessly. Sometimes
though, it doesn’t and we need to take action.
Communicate:
As difficult as it is, I do think if we care about someone then we should be
honest with them. (There are exceptions,
certain no fly zones, in which case we should maybe just let it go) Talking about feelings is not an
easy thing to do, but on the other hand, this person is our friend, which
hopefully means they’re a good enough person to be gracious and kind when we
are stumbling through our confession. The worst that happens is that they reject us
and stop being our friend, but frankly, if that happens then it wasn’t a real
friendship anyway. Usually what will happen is: a) they feel the same way or
b)they don’t, it’s a little awkward for a bit but you both get over it. However,
I don’t believe that a friendship can be sustainable if these feelings last, it
will eventually blow up.
Timing: I’ve said this many times before, there is a
time and place for everything. If you friend is telling you about her new
boyfriend or that she just got engaged, blurting out, “No but I love you!” is
probably not the best response. Neither is getting drunk to make your
feelings known. A lot of people will dispute this, in fact over half the people
I “surveyed” about this have said that they get a couple of drinks in them and
then make their move. While I understand the need for liquid courage, I think
it’s a cop out. Aside from the fact that no one can really take a drunken confession 100% seriously, it’s also a shield that we hide behind. If we’re rejected, we can
blame the alcohol for what we’ve done or said, and pretend like we didn’t mean
it. It’s easier, for sure, and less risk, but less reward as well. As
terrifying as it is, we need to do it sober, and at an appropriate time.
Listen: Unless it's over email (WHICH IS A BIG NO) this is not a one sided conversation. The person on the receiving end is just as important as you, the initiator. You have to give them a chance to speak and say what they want. Don't put words in their mouth, don't make assumptions, and don't erect defense mechanisms to soften the blow. You've decided to do this so do it properly. A classic example is saying something like: "I know you don't feel the same way..." or "I know I'm not your type..." Doing this is wrong and bad and immature. Not to mention you'll leave the conversation unsatisfied because you never really got their response, just the one you prearranged for them.
Accept:
Whatever the outcome is we have to accept it. We made the conscious decision to
lay ourselves on the line and the only adult and responsible thing to do is take
what we’re given and behave with dignity.
Life isn’t like the movies, and there are very few instances where our
declaration will be met with a fairytale response. The truth is, even if it IS
mutual, things will be a little weird for a while. No transition is completely
seamless, and we will have to tread slowly, to see what happens, let things
just be. Also, our friend will (most likely) by thrown by what we’ve just said
and may need time to work through it. Or they may tell us that, sorry, it just
isn’t mutual, and as hurtful as that is, we have to deal with it. It’s not
their fault. We don’t like everyone and can’t expect for everyone to like us. If
we don’t like what we hear, we can’t get angry or vicious, or throw out
ultimatums. We also have to be cognizant of the fact that the person may be
uncomfortable with this newfound information and might need some space. We can’t
get emotional and ask them why they don’t like us. We can’t change ourselves or
the other person. We can’t keep bringing it up. Once you’ve said your piece,
let it go. Have enough respect for yourself and other person. It is what it is.
On the Flip Side
Most of us have, at some point, been the recipient of a love
confession, as I mentioned, it can be awkward or shocking. Regardless of our
feelings, it throws us, but there are Do’s and Don’ts in handling the
situation:
DO:
Be kind: It took a lot for this person to come to you and
open up, and they’re probably nervous so you need to be kind and gentle in your
response.
Be honest: Whatever it is you’re feeling, express it. If you’re
feeling uncomfortable, say it. If you think it could work out, say it. If you’re
just not into them, say it. It may not be easy to do, but if you care about
your friend, which you do, then they deserve it.
Be normal but aware: There is no reason why we can’t maintain
a friendship with someone who likes us (Unless they make it weird or are
relentless in the pursuit) but we also need to be cognizant of the signals that
we’re sending out. Most likely, initially, our friend will be hoping something
will happen and will be reading into things more than they should, and while we
shouldn’t change completely, we should make our stance clear. Hopefully, over
time, our friend will get over it and it’ll be something we laugh about
together, but in the meantime we have to be sensitive about not giving false
hope.
DON’T:
Gossip/Use it against them: We’re not five, so this should be obvious, but
don’t make someone else's feelings your water cooler conversation. It’s insensitive
and inconsiderate. Also, don’t make the person feel stupid for what they’ve
told you. Keep it between the two of you and don't use it for your own personal entertainment.
Play games: When
someone tells us they have feelings for us, it’s natural that we take it into
consideration when we may not have previously done so. We may need time to
figure out what it is that WE’RE feeling, but don’t use this as an excuse to
experiment. It is wrong and mean to do something like kiss your friend and then
turn around and say, "Actually no, I’m not into you like that after all." Any
decision or moves made should be considered.
Be mean. Ever
*Thanks to:
Someone on the other side of the world who is dealing with this, I hope it goes well.
Everyone who took part in the survey. ;)
MTV for the show "Friend Zone" which, by the way, is a terrible way to tell someone you like them.
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