Alice's Adventures in Vietnam-land

God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You

2012-02-13T11:15:00.006+07:00

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, the most important and monumental holiday of the year. I jest, even as a hopeless romantic I find the “holiday” to be a complete waste of time. I talked about it last Valentine’s Day but to repeat myself, I don’t believe that love is expressed by buying someone chocolate and flowers and going out to an overpriced dinner on a specific day. For me, love is based on something so much more, something intangible. Showing someone that they mean the world to you comes in the things you do in your every day life, the way you treat them and consider them. To limit romantic gestures and thoughtfulness for one day seems counterproductive to me.

I understand Mother’s/Father’s/Teacher’s/every other day, a little bit more, though I do believe that you should honor all of the above on a daily basis…but your significant other? That doesn’t need to be a cliché, that should be inherent, like breathing.

Valentine’s Day always feels like a no-win situation. If you’re IN a relationship the person will inevitably not live up to your standards and if you’re NOT in one then you are made to feel bad about being single, even if on any other day you’d embrace it. I don’t see how this day can be considered a good thing.

As I mentioned above, being in a relationship requires putting in the dedication and effort to make it work. We often times forget that, and it’s as result of this that some relationships fail. We allow ourselves to feel the initial rush of exhilaration when we first date someone and when this wanes off (which it will, it can’t last forever but instead transitions into something much more beautiful) we take it as a sign of “this isn’t the right person.” Sometimes it isn’t, but sometimes it’s just a lack of perspective from our end. We’ve seen too many movies, read too many books that tell us what it should look like rather than what it ACTUALLY looks like.

I don’t claim to be a relationship expert, clearly, since I am single right now, so you are entitled to tell me I have no idea what I am talking about. However, I’ve been in my fair share of relationships (some good, some bad, all enlightening), am the product of parents who have been happily married for 34 years, and have watched my friends go through almost every kind of romantic situation one can imagine, so I do think I have enough perspective that I can write about them. And write about common mistakes we make whilst in them…

Getting Lazy/Taking Someone for Granted: Once we figure out we like someone, we’re usually on our best behavior. We put in effort, we show we care, we make sure the person we’re with knows how great we think they are. We do this because we don’t want to lose them, we want to solidify the union. But once stability is established a lot of times we begin to slip. We assume that since we have the person that we’ve won. But it doesn’t work like that…while it’s impossible to keep up the initial frenzy and whirlwind, to let initiative die out completely is a serious fail. We need to continue in our efforts to charm and seduce the one in our life. Even the most secure, confident people want to know that they are cared about, and that they are important. They want to know that what they’re feeling is reciprocated. I understand that we’re all busy, and we all have lives but maintenance (while essential) doesn’t have to be overwhelmingly time consuming. It can be as simple as an email, or a text, or a voicenote, just to say hi and you’re thinking of them. (If that is too cliché then include a reason why. Example: “I saw a woman fall down the stairs and it made me think of the time you wiped out when running to catch the subway. “ or “I read a really interesting article/book that I think you’d like, I’ll send you the link/you can borrow it.”) It really is as simple as that. Also, listen to what they want. If something is important to someone you care about (and it’s not completely ridiculous) then what’s the harm in indulging that?

Criticism/Trying to Change Them: I’m of the mindset that the people we surround ourselves with are supposed to make us feel better about ourselves, not worse. The people in our lives should be our champions, our supporters, those who know us and love and accept us for who we are. I am not trying to suggest that our loved ones indulge us to the point of denial; we should be challenged, and told when we’re wrong but for the most part, we should have people in our lives who ACTUALLY like us, not who they want us to be. If you’re annoyed that someone leaves every cupboard door in the kitchen open, or if they fall asleep mid text/bbm/whatsapp conversation, those little things are normal, growing pains in a relationship. They’re fixable. Even bigger things like you don’t like them jumping to conclusions or certain comments or actions they make. Those things are fine, they’re called compromise. But it’s when it becomes bigger. I knew a guy once who claimed to have a crush on me, but in (almost) every conversation we had, he would tell me things about myself I needed to “change” and “improve” …one or two were (slightly) valid but most were things that I hadn’t been told before and that no one else seems to have a problem with. When I mentioned this, he told me they just didn’t want to stand up to me. He told me that he didn’t buy the phrase, “This is who I am…” He refused to listen to any logic or input from my side. He’d made up his mind so unless I was willing to agree with him, my words fell on deaf ears. So instead of fighting it, I just stopped speaking to him. I don’t need people in my life whose idea of caring is tearing me down. While I don’t pretend to be perfect, I have enough people in my life who adore me as I am that I don’t really have room for those who don’t.

Playing Dirty: Once you become close with someone you begin to understand the way they think. You know how to deal with certain moods and situations, and the subjects to highlight and avoid. For the most part, you use this information to keep the relationship on a high, but sometimes, when you’re angry/hurt/frustrated it’s used as ammunition. Just because you know exactly what to say to someone to hurt them doesn’t mean you should do it. I know it’s tempting, they did XYZ so they “deserve it”, but one thing I have learned is hurting someone does NOT make you hurt any less, and it rarely brings any kind of validation. Fights are part of EVERY relationship (and breakup) but they don’t have to be nasty, they shouldn’t be. Fighting dirty results in irreparable damage, even after the gloves are put away. People don’t forget what was said “in the heat of the moment” nor will they ever truly accept that you “didn’t mean it,” They’ll always believe that there was an element of truth in your words. Learn how to fight without hurting, how to fight productively, how to use the fight to progress the relationship, not tear it apart. (Tips: don’t yell, stay calm always, stay on focus-don’t bring up unrelated random grievances mid argument, don’t attack or accuse, be clear in explaining what you’re upset about and why, expressing how it makes you feel, let the other person talk and actually listen to them, if they start getting nasty change the tone back, remember that everyone is different and that you have chosen this person for a reason-try and love and accept them, give them a chance to work on it, it won’t and can’t happen overnight, If you say it’s over and are moving forward, actually do it. Drop it. Do not revisit over and over)

Jealousy: Ah the green eyed monster, it can destroy so much, yet is so unnecessary. Jealousy springs from insecurity and I just can’t fathom why one would allow themselves to feel insecure about a relationship that they’re in. It is not obligatory to be in the relationship, you’re in it because you want to be, so why get jealous and insecure? When I’m into someone, I don’t want anyone else, and if I start wanting someone else, I see that as a major red flag and reevaluate the relationship. Jealousy is a MAJOR deal-breaker for me, it is one of the few things I am unrelenting on. Not only am I a natural flirt, but I’m very good friends with almost every guy that I’ve ever been romantically involved with. We talk a lot and spend time together (I am always open about this), but there is nothing “there” anymore. Things ended for a reason and those reasons are still relevant. No reason to be jealous. Same thing with other parties that you meet out. Look at it this way: there is a reason that you’re with this person, and it’s because they’re awesome. So chances are, others will notice it as well. Laugh it off, they’re with YOU. That being said, don’t be so deluded that you assume that everyone wants your significant other, yes they’re great, but everyone has different tastes. Don’t give ultimatums, don’t stalk, don’t threaten other parties or try and throw your weight around. Sit back and relax. When you’re with someone, you have to assume that they want to be with you. (Assumptions are usually bad but in this case, they’re not, they’re essential!!!) Trust the person you’re with, give them enough respect and consideration….oh, and work on your insecurity issues. They’re not attractive.

Blame: It’s so easy to pass blame and judgment on something, and even easier to focus our attention on the wrong thing. No one is perfect, and people are going to do things to disappoint us but casting blame on the wrong person or thing is delusional. Sometimes you have to accept that YOU are the wrong one, and take responsibility for that. It’s not easy to say you’re wrong, admit a weakness, but to not do so results in serious issues for others and yourself. Another form of blame is “the other person.” Not that your significant other should be unfaithful to you, but in the event they are, you have to be realistic about the situation. I have never been one to condone blaming “the other woman.” If I am dating someone, my responsibility to them is to behave respectfully and to be faithful. It is not another guys job to do it for me. Same if I hook up with someone who has a girlfriend (not something I would do but let’s be hypothetical here) …am I the wrong one? No. It is HIS responsibility to be faithful, not mine. I don’t owe her anything. (On a side note, I believe hooking up with someone in a relationship is one of the highest forms of self degradation, no one deserves to be second best) The only exception to this is if you are friends with the person whose significant other you are hooking up with. It is your responsibility AS A FRIEND to behave with integrity.

Manipulation/Guilt Tripping: The ultimate form of passive aggressive behavior is guilt tripping someone into feeling and behaving a certain way. Doing so is unhealthy and damaging and the same can be said for manipulation. Why not just be honest? Be direct about what you want and how you feel and accept the outcome.

The Past: Even though it already happened, we spend so much time focusing on the past rather than leaving it where it belongs. What’s done is done and we can’t control it or change it, so why the fixation? Whether it be a past argument or our significant others past before they met us (example: How many people have you slept with?) focusing on it is unnecessary and negative. Leave it where it belongs and focus on the present.

Monogamy: For some people, monogamy is a dirty word, and impossibility, but hopefully you are not dating that person. Actually that’s unfair, to each their own, but most people like being in a relationship where monogamy is part of the equation. I’ve heard that it isn’t realistic or sustainable, that humans just aren’t built that way, and I think while it is a challenge, to use that excuse is laziness. But then again, I'm not married, however, for me it’s like this, if you love someone, they should be enough. They deserve that. If you want to be with other people, than don’t be in a relationship. Play the field. There is NOTHING wrong with that, just so long as it’s done in a proper setting and when you’re single. Monogamy isn’t so much about physically being with someone but having that trust, that connection, that stability that makes a relationship so precious. To break that alters things. That being said, we are human, we do make mistakes and sometimes we slip up. I am no exception, I will openly admit to having cheated on a boyfriend, something I wish I could take back because it not only hurt him but it damaged my perception on myself, and though he has…I have not yet been able to forgive myself. There is the age-old debate about what we do if we slip…do we come clean to the person? Or hide it from them? I’m of the belief that to disclose such information is selfish. That we do it to relieve our own guilt by passing on the hurt to somebody else. I believe if it was truly a mistake, one that you regret and can say won’t happen again, then keep it to yourself. Deal with it. Sure you’ll feel bad, but you should. It’s YOUR problem, no one elses. (I am aware that A LOT of people will disagree with me on this one)

Third Parties: Last time I checked, relationships tend to be between two people, yet somehow this can multiply and you’re dating the person you’re with, their best friend, and their entire family. We tend to involve people in our most personal business when they have no place being there. For one thing, there are always two sides to every story, and unless you and your +1 are having an equal sharing moment, the conversation will be biased. If we’re really honest with ourselves, we usually don’t call up our best friend to gush, “You will not believe how AMAZING (name) is! …..” we call to complain, and mention something negative. And what happens then? Unnecessary and preconceived notions. Opinions are formed that are not necessarily fair and there will be a negative undertone in that persons mind henceforth. They will always think about the bad things you said, even after you get over it and move on (which, in most cases, we tend to do quite rapidly)but you have now planted a seed which will only perpetuate with time. I am by no means suggesting that you refuse to share information with those nearest and dearest to you, because it’s important to have a support network outside of your relationship, but be careful about what you disclose and how you disclose it. Take into consideration what the listener is going to hear and how they’ll interpret it.

Compromise: When you're in a relationship, you automatically become part of a unit, a partnership and with this means foregoing complete selfishness. You can no longer do exactly what you want and when you want, because you have someone else to consider. This shouldn't be a burden as you have CHOSEN to be in this situation. I'm not suggesting that we become a doormat or lose our sense of self, but rather embrace the conscious decision that we've made. We care about this person, and we want to make them happy, just as we hope they want to please us. This means doing things we wouldn't normally do, making sacrifices and concessions. We have to accept that we aren't always right, and that other people matter. If you can't do this, be single.

These are not the only things to avoid, every relationship has its issues, but they are, I feel, real relationship killers and on many accounts, can be avoided. Being in a relationship with someone you love (or even really like a lot) is something that we should cherish...every day.

Ceylon: How I Fell in Love with Sri Lanka

2012-02-11T10:54:00.015+07:00

I fell in love with Sri Lanka before I even passed through immigration. We arrived on the eve Christmas Eve and the clean and bright airport was full of good cheer and carol singers, however it wasn’t just the holiday spirit that instilled good will, it was the whole atmosphere, the vibe of the place and the country. Within minutes of being there, I didn’t want to leave.

My decision to visit this magical country was last minute and slightly serendipitous. Due to a long trip to the US/UK in the fall, I knew I was unable to make the long haul to spend the holidays with my family, and when my Thailand plans fell through, I’d resigned to a Christmas in Hanoi. However, as the date grew nearer (and the weather began to turn nasty) I felt the familiar feeling creeping up, I needed to get away, and impulsively (like many of my decisions) booked a week in Sri Lanka.

It’s one of the better travel decisions that I’ve made.

The first time Sri Lanka ever seriously popped up on my radar was July 2010. (Obviously, I knew about the country’s history and followed the civil war) What I mean by popped up is the notion of it being a country I could realistically visit . I was sitting in The Kuala Lumpur airport with my friend Jenny, waiting to fly back to Hanoi on the six am flight. There were two flights leaving at that time, side by side, one to Hanoi and one to Colombo. Jenny and I joked about what if we got on the wrong flight and then made some silly little pact that we’d go there. Though truthfully, I never thought I would. Don’t get me wrong, it seemed cool, but there were so many other places that were on my “travel to-do list” before Sri Lanka. A year later, one of my closest friends got a job in Colombo, imploring me to visit her, so I figured why not?

I had no idea what to expect when I arrived, and perhaps my lack of expectations is what made the experience much more magical. I had no preconceived notions, no plans….I was just ready to soak up everything the country had to offer.
Colombo is a city that boasts culture and old world charm/history while managing to be modern, organized and internationally diverse. As a traveler (or expatriate) it is very manageable and uncomplicated to navigate and explore…and has anything and everything to offer.

Our first day was spent poolside at the historic Galle Face Hotel, whose beautiful view and prime location make it a popular hangout for the expats in the city. From there we had our Christmas Eve dinner at Gallery Café, an enchanting, aesthetically pleasing café with mouth watering international cuisine. At our table we had Americans, Swiss, Vietnamese, French, Japanese, Brazilian amongst others, which kind of reinforced one of the main reasons I enjoy living life abroad. I am always in a multicultural environment, listening to ideas and stories from different perspectives and backgrounds.

Sri Lanka is one of these countries that despite being small in size, has vast appeal geographically. You want a city? It’s there. The beach? Hundreds. Mountains? In the centre. Ancient cities? After Colombo, my travel companion (Anemi) and I headed, with our new Sri Lankan friend, to Sri Pada (aka Adam’s Peak,) a five hour drive east. Once we got out of the city limits, we entered Hill Country, and were surrounded by plush green and passed tea plantation after tea plantation. Sri Lankan tea is the best in the world. That’s a bold statement, I know, but as a tea connoisseur, it’s a statement I can make with a great amount of confidence.

Adam’s Peak is 7,359 ft (2,243 metres) tall known for the "sacred footprint" rock formation near the summit, believed in Buddhist tradition it is held to be the footprint of the Buddha. It is an important pilgrimage site, and the (approx four hour climb) traditionally begins at 2am to arrive at the top before sunset.
I was worried about this.

I don’t make any pretenses about being a climber, nor did I bring any appropriate clothing for the hike, but a few trips to a shopping centre and a desire to see this glorious site drove me up the mountain, resting every half an hour. I am so delighted that I did, the sense of accomplishment was fantastic and the view was breathtaking. It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen before and strangely powerful. While the top was filled with other tourists, there was a mix of Sri Lankans who had made the pilgrimage and whose presence gave the whole experience a spiritual feel.

The walk down was considerably more difficult than the way up. Perhaps it was the exhaustion finally hitting or that the climatic moment was over but it seemed to go on much longer than desired and energy levels were waning. We finally made it, had lunch and were on our way back to Colombo. We couldn’t walk properly for days, so it was fortunate that our next stop was down south to Unawatuna beach, a place where we could just unwind and relax.

We’d heard stories about the local buses so I was prepared to be shocked but, maybe on account of living in southeast Asia for two years, I didn’t find it to be anything stunning. The bus was crowded, no doubt about that, and there was no room for our bags so I had to but mine on the floor and have my legs up against my chest for the three hour journey. That was not the best thing as they were still tight from my climb, and I practically fell out of the bus on account of not being able to walk.

Galle Fort (reminded me so much of Hoi An) and Unawatuna Beach is where we spent the next few days, wandering around, looking at the architecture, discovering little things that made this area so unique and so exquisite. It was an area that was hard hit by the tsunami and I spent several hours with a man who had lost half of his family in this tragedy.

The people of Sri Lanka are friendly and positive, welcoming and kind. They are proud of their country and like to show it off. For the most part, the people I met while traveling and ambling about didn’t have an agenda other than to talk to me and share their stories, experiences and the beauty of the country that they love so much. Their affection for the place furthered my adoration for the country and everything it has to offer.

I obviously can’t talk about Sri Lanka without touching on the food there, which was divine. The spices, the curries, the sweets…all of which are eaten by hand. Your right hand, by the way. Eating with your hand goes against everything I’d been taught about proper decorum, but once I got used to it, I enjoyed the experience, mixing the different dishes on my plate and savoring each bite.

Also world renowned for it’s gems, I picked up a few trinkets that I will cherish.

When I left, seven days after I’d arrived, it was with regret that I didn’t have more time. I wanted to see so much more, absorb other experiences. I started looking into ways that I could move there and work there. I felt such an energy and connection to this place that I, prior to this journey, had never expected to go to.

I have every intention of returning some day, sooner rather than later, and maybe it won’t be in a long term capacity, but I know that I need to enjoy its splendor some more.

If you ever get the chance to go, don’t hesitate, book your ticket, get on a plane, and fall in love.

Much Too Much: How to Lose a Game Without Even Playing

2012-01-30T12:29:00.010+07:00

In my second year of university, the boys who lived next door to us watched "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" on a frequent basis. (Either they REALLY liked the film, or it was their "go-to" movie to watch when they had a girl over. For the record, my friends "go-to" was Mighty Ducks---I mean how OBVIOUS IS THAT?) I'm pretty sure that, hearing it played through the wall over a dozen times in one month, I have the entire film memorized. (For those of you who haven't seen it, the story is that a playboy makes a bet with his friends that he can make a girl fall in love with him in two weeks and a girl is writing an article about the "don'ts" of a relationship and does everything wrong to "lose" him but since they're unknowingly paired with each other, a romantic comedy ensues.)

The premise of the film is interesting because when we first meet someone and get together with them, there are all of these "rules" on how we should play it, how we should or shouldn't act. We play these games for a while until the true colors of our personality come out but, by then, we hope that the person we're involved with likes us enough to overlook these idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. I've always been EXCELLENT at the initial meetings---luring someone into being interested in me is like second nature, and once I'm in a relationship, I'm also great: easy going, no games, relatively undemanding and a great person to date. But it's that in-between stage, the grey area that I, and a lot of others, seem to have trouble with. (I'm awkward and often times I do "the wrong thing" in this stage. I'm not going to get into anecdotes but if you've dated me, you know what I am referring to. However, I'm lucky, I tend to find guys who overlook my classic behavior, or seem to know that it's just a result of the insecurity that being in-limbo brings) We meet someone we like, so how do we go from the first spark to a relationship? Here are, in no particular order, some relationship killers.

1. Over Exposure: We're always told to leave one wanting more. But that is SO HARD when you are excited by someone. You want to hang out with them and talk to them as much as you can, because it's fun and it makes you feel butterflies. However, this is bad to do, because then the mystery starts to disappear, and things go from being exciting to being mundane.

2. Over Communicating: People are so different in the way they communicate, some are attached to their mobile device (me!) and some don't look at their phone for days. If two opposites meet then it's easy for things to go from delightful to dismal in the blink of an eye. I tend to message a lot, to everyone, and those who know me know that this is an intricate part of who I am, but when faced with a new person what do I do? Do I hold back and ease them into it? (That kind of feels like false advertising?) Or do I just be myself and potentially overwhelm someone? The "right" answer is the former, to pace oneself and "play it cool" ---the attractive person you met may lose sight of what they thought was great about you with your over-exuberant communicating. They'll go from being excited to hear from you to being annoyed, or worse, stalked.

3. Over Sharing: When you like someone, you want to know them and you want them to know you, but you can't just tell them everything, because where's the fun in that? As difficult as it may be to hold back on your life story and past, it is imperative to practice discretion. As the relationship progresses, these things will emerge eventually...so take a deep breathe and save the tell-alls for your friends. Oh and, probably better to not share with them that you've told your mom/best friend/coworkers about them. (My NYC friends and I used to have a rule, which I probably shouldn't share but will anyway. The rule is: "It's ok to be crazy, but don't be crazy to the person you're crazy over. Act out to your friends. They already know and love you. plus, they can remind you that you're, BEING CRAZY")

4/4.5. Over Analyzing/Complicating: I think this is more of a female trait then men. Maybe it's because by definition, women are more complex and men tend to be simple (generalization) so we, as women, want to know what things MEAN. "He said he wants to hang out...does he really mean it?" "He said, 'sounds good', what does that mean?" Often times, it probably means: he wants to hang out with you or that it sounds good, but when we like someone, we lose sight of the rational and logical. I know I don't sit around trying to decode messages from my friends so why do it for a love interest? Doing so only drives us a bit insane, and results in more erratic behavior that can be perceived as crazy or annoying. We spend so much time analyzing that we forget to be ourselves, which is a shame, because who we are is what the person liked to begin with.

5. Over-Defining: While the initial first weeks of a new thing can be the most exciting they can also be the most stressful, because we want to know where the other person stands, if they're on the same page. There are several ways to do this: Ask (which will often scare the person) Play games (which will annoy the person and exhaust you) or nothing (and see what happens.) The last one is the best option for sure, but it's not really that easy, because if we really like someone, we want to know what they think of us, how they feel. So we try and define it to give us some sense of security and understanding, we devise ways to figure things out rather than just letting them happen, and enjoying it for what it is. Talking about feelings and what you are too soon will (most likely) RUIN the relationship. The fact is, if someone is into you, it's obvious. The way they interact and behave with you will demonstrate that. In fact, I think seeing how someone treats you is a much bigger indicator than hearing them tell you how much they like you. Resist the urge to get the definition, resist the urge to find out if they're dating/hooking up with other people. Chances are, if they like you, they're probably not, and all of this will be revealed in a more time appropriate moment, or it'll unfold naturally.

6. Over Inclusiveness: When I'm in a serious relationship, I tend to keep a lot of the details private. I believe, as we should, that relationships are between two people. This isn't saying that I never tell my friends anything, but for the most part, I value the sanctity of what's between me and this other person. However, in the "getting to know you" phase, friends are crucial, who else can we bounce ideas off of, or go to for advice? Since we don't know what's going on we turn to a third party to help decipher. Relying on friends is great, but should be done with caution. Our friends aren't really a part of the situation, and while they (should) have our best interests at heart, can lead us astray with presumptions and preconceived notions. This can really only be helpful if the friend knows both parties involved, but then it's unfair to put them in that position.

7/7.5. Over-Eagerness& Over-Planning: Being constantly available is a turn off, people like to feel like they've accomplished something, and if you don't make them work for it, they get bored. Most people enjoy a little bit of a challenge. I'm not suggesting that you intentionally blow someone off (that's rude) but making them a priority right away is never a good thing. Keep your life the same as it was before, but make room for them when there is. When first involved with someone, we do like to imagine certain scenarios with them: nights out, weekends away, trips etc but we shouldn't put too much weight or hope into these things. You can't meet someone and expect that in a month they'll want to go on a camping weekend with you. If, after a few weeks of hanging out, you then suggest it, they'll probably be more receptive, but if they're not then they're not. It's better to assume that they're not and be pleasantly surprised than hurt and disappointed. The latter is an irrational response and they're likely to be turned off by it and scared that things are moving too quickly/are too serious. If you have dinner plans with a friend but your person of interest asks you out, don't rearrange your friend time. Go to dinner. Don't spend the whole night texting. Having a life is sexy.

8. Over-Idealism: When liking someone, we see the good, we get our hopes up. I'm not saying that we should all be cynics because that negative vibe is easily picked up and not exactly compelling, but please be realistic. As stated above, if someone likes you, you'll know. They should make it fairly obvious. If you feel like you are the only one putting in effort or caring then you probably are. Be realistic, don't look at it over-analytically. A good trick is to pretend your circumstance is that of a friends, and imagine they are telling you about it. What advice would you give them? Ok good, now follow it.

9. Over-Reacting: We tend to be more hypersensitive regarding a love interest. We take what they say and do much more seriously than we should and what was probably intended by them. Our overreaction to basically nothing serves as a massive repellent. Relax, and ask yourself how you'd feel if the same thing came from a friend of yours. If you'd still be upset/freaked out/confused, then fair enough, act on it. If not, then weigh that heavily.

10. Over-Apathy: I know I've spent the past nine definitions saying that we're supposed to be normal and play it cool but there is an extent to that as well. We can't let the person feel like we're not interested or don't care. If we do that than any (normal) person will lose interest and stop contacting us. We have to make sure the person knows that we care and are into them, just without being overwhelming. Also, over-apathy sets precedents for other behavior. I have known people who told their love interest "I don't care if you see other people" but as time went on, started caring. Or they always cared, but wanted to seem cool but the other person didn't see it like that, they took it to mean that they actually didn't care. Don't say anything you don't mean (LYING IS BAD), don't purposely seem disinterested (there is a huge difference between genuinely busy and not interested) Find a balance of maintaining your life and sense of dignity but making the other person feel special and important.

The way you play it can make or break a connection. Though as I said, my awkwardness in the middle stages should've ruined a good thing but didn't. I guess the truth is, that if you really like someone, or see potential... these things really won't matter. Personally, I don't really like games, though there was a time I was a master at them. I stopped playing them a while ago, and have had great success relationship wise, but still though, I wonder if perhaps there's something to be said for them.

Oh and, drunk dials/texts/emails. Never good. Ever. Even in a committed relationship (I think every guy I've ever dated is screaming "HYPOCRITE!" right now, but really, I've gotten much better. My last boyfriend basically broke me of that habit, simply because I liked him enough to stop)

Authors Note: I've been writing a lot about relationships recently, which some of you have been a big fan of (yay) but some have sent me messages reminding me that this is a blog about Vietnam. To the latter, I see your point, kind of. However, my blog is about life, not only in Vietnam, but in general. While I do have things to write about (Christmas and New Years travels and Tet, which I will get to within the next few weeks) I can't keep writing about motorbike accidents or shock and awe that I encounter because, as I've said before, these things are ingrained in my daily life, they're as routine as say, going to the supermarket (which as we know in Vietnam is actually an adventure in its own right)

In fact, if one thing has been made so abundantly clear from all of my living experiences it's that human nature doesn't change. From the Queen of England to a street child in a tiny Cambodian village, we as people, have the same needs, and fundamentally the same wants. Aside from the obvious, food, shelter, health etc, people are driven by passion and emotion-whether it be for their job, their religion, their country, or another person-I haven't come across someone yet who doesn't covet something, who doesn't search for security and stability and want to love and be loved. As vast as the range of people are, it is humbling to remember that we are all basically the same.

So, while this isn't a relationship blog, I've been writing about relationships, because they're a big part of the my life, and big part of most peoples. I find them fascinating. For those of you who agree, I'm glad. For those who don't, just skip the posts about them and read the ones about Vietnam and travel (upcoming: different opportunities, Mui Ne, Saigon, Sri Lanka)

(Thanks DH for the conversation over disgusting instant noodles that resulted in the idea for this post.)

Check Mate: How to Spot A Coyote

2012-01-27T18:22:00.005+07:00

*amended January 28th. **amended on January 29th ( Thanks to my fave coyote)

Like 90% of people out there, I broke my New Years resolution. I am disappointed because I usually have an iron will and strong resolve but even I slip up, especially if it is romantically. Try as I may, I am useless at ignoring the chance at a connection with someone.

To say I’ve never been involved with a coyote would be untrue, but the difference between me and some of my female counterparts is that I don’t thrive on the drama and games. Once I realize something is amiss, I’m out. I don’t want to hear apologies or explanations. Getting a chance with me is not an easy thing to do, blowing your chance with me is just plain idiotic, and I don’t have time for morons.

When I come across a coyote, I don’t usually get angry or sad. I don’t yell at them, because I see no point. They are completely and utterly not worth the time and effort. I become disgusted with their complete lack of propriety and disregard for considerate behavior. The problem with coyotes is that they can be difficult to spot. They are not actually the obvious playboys who brag about their conquests, those are easy to spot therefore not dangerous. I actually respect them for their honesty even if I don’t like their behavior. No, the bad coyotes are the ones who pretend to be something they’re not…who put on the face of someone kind and good. Who go through the necessary steps to make it look like they care just to get to their end goal, and are usually carrying on side lives.

They’re the worst kind of person, and while there are many varietals and different tricks I have identified some MAJOR INDICATORS to spot them:

1. There is a purse in their room and they say it’s their mothers. It’s highly probable that it’s not. (Same thing if you’re in a woman’s room and you find a man's watch, shoes etc)

2. They ask you to “not mention anything” to your friend who knows their friend or housemate. Chances are they are hiding your interaction for a reason, and the reason is NOT the allure of a clandestine affair.

3. When hearing that you plan to go to a major event/party at a certain venue, they suddenly claim to want to stay in, it’s likely that they don’t want to be SEEN THERE WITH YOU. Why? Because someone is there that they’re romancing.

4. They refuse to meet any of your friends.

5. They claim PDA makes them uncomfortable (what makes them uncomfortable is if they are seen by someone)

6. They leave the room to answer certain phone calls, despite taking some in front of you.

7. When it comes to spending time with you that won’t result in hooking up, they feign illness or another emergency. Whether it be explosive diarrhea, suddenly feeling dizzy or some other ridiculous ailment that showed no signs before and would probably disappear instantly if you started taking your clothes off.

8. They don’t want any photos of them taken.

9. They come up with convenient and believable excuses why they can’t hang out, like their family is in town. This is plausible initially, but when it becomes a pattern it’s pretty likely that it’s a lie. But how can one argue with that? No, it gives them the ability to be busy, not answer their phone, and spend time with the other people they are duping.

10. When you point blank ask them about the nature of your relationship, or their other dalliances they become evasive OR give you the answer you want to hear but then display abrupt changes in behavior. They’ll stop picking up their phone, answering texts, and the big one: they’ll only talk to you during the day. If they’re really good at being a despicable human being, they’ll throw you tidbits, like a thoughtful email, just so you don’t suspect anything major yet.

11. They only respond when you send them something suggestive.

12. You hear they are dating someone from multiple sources but they deny it and implore you to trust them and not believe everything you hear. They may even turn it around on you and ask you why you’re so negative, why you always assume the worst, thus making you feel like it’s your fault.

13. They don’t care if they haven’t seen or spoken to you in a while.

14. They change their statement of intentions based on your reaction.

15. They will sweet talk and make plans with you you over email, text, instant message, and these messages may even border risqué…however these plans never come to fruition.

*16. The morning after an encounter they usher you out of their place/leaves yours in a hurry citing that they need to get some "online banking" done. (Uh, don't you have a laptop?)

**17. They reference how YOU feel about them but never exactly tell you where they are

**18. They play you a cheesy song (example: "I will always love you") for you on their phone and proclaim this as an amazing song that they "really, really love" (This can only apply to men I think)

**19. They inform you about a life situation they are going through, making you feel feel compelled to help them through it and be there for them, but at the same time providing them the excuse to behave badly or erratically and blame it in something else.

**20. If they are a man they tell you they always wanted to be a fireman because they like to throw things over their shoulder.

These things SHOULD be obvious red flags but sometimes we over look them. My problem is that I am a good person, I care about people. I don’t misrepresent myself nor do I ever make my feelings or intentions difficult to interpret. So I make the mistake of assuming that others are like me, that they have common decency. I have also been blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) by dating incredible men. Each more remarkable than the last. My last boyfriend was as close to perfect as someone can get (he hates when I say that, so if you’re reading this, I’m sorry but it’s true) and I’ve been spoilt. I’ve been exposed to wonderful, inherently good guys who treat me like I’m the most precious commodity in the world. They are the reason I believe in love, that I take chances, and why I see the world through idealistic rose colored glasses. They are behind my reasoning that good guys exist and that we can be in healthy and happy relationships with no games, no drama, no lies, no hurting. But they have also made me a bit naïve.

Luckily for me, I live in Asia so January 1st isn’t actually New Years. New Years was actually January 22nd…which means I get a whole other shot at this whole “time for myself” thing.

On a side note, this is not gender specific, some of the worst coyotes I know are women.

Two Years in Hanoi: The Little Things

2012-01-16T14:25:00.007+07:00

January 14th marked two year anniversary in Vietnam, a milestone I can honestly say that I never envisioned occurring. It's funny how life works, we make all of these plans for ourselves, but it rarely plays out exactly how we see it.

I am not going to write a blog about the magic of Hanoi and how it has managed to lure me in, making it seemingly impossible to leave. I, and many others, have done that before. I'm also not going to talk about the little restaurants I enjoy discovering or the friends I've made. I admit I am not as in awe of the city that I used to be, not because it isn't completely enlightening and wonderful, but because it is my home, and things feel normal and every day for me now. (I like this)

Although Vietnam life has become routine for me (I am no longer shocked by things such as four people and two chickens on a motorbike, and I am only mildly disgusted when I see a man hack up a massive ball of phlegm and spit it on the street) there are certain little things that occur here that have the most remarkable affect on me; things I find awesome and annoying at the same time.

TRAFFIC

Annoying: It's crazy. There is no rhyme or reason. People burst out from tiny alley ways, they drive on the wrong side of the road, they don't stop at red lights. It's every man for itself.

Awesome: I got my provisional license when I was 15 years old, and the whole system was so regimented that I couldn't help but want to break out and do something crazy. Hit the car in front of me, drive down a no car zone...and now I can. The streets here can be confusing, and sometimes they do turn into one ways or say not to turn, but to follow those rules would mean a) getting lost or b) adding 10 minutes onto your journey. I love that I can (and do) just ignore the rules if they don't apply to my particular journey. And driving on the side walk is exhilarating. (I really hope my parents aren't reading this)

BILLS

Annoying: Someone comes to the door unexpected. Never on the same day, never at the same time. The doorbell rings (15 times) and then I am told I owe X amount for Y bill. I rarely have cash on me so this can be slightly inconvenient.

Awesome: This is a lazy persons dream. You don't have to do anything. Yes, in the age of online bill pay all you have to do is click a button. You can even sign up for automatic bill pay. But for those who don't do automatic bill pay (like me, because I never know what my balance is) it just makes it THAT much less work. No logging on, clicking anything, verifying (has anyone ever paid an online bill for Time Warner Cable, they ask you to verify your identity so many times....I wanted to be like "I'm PAYING you money, why are you giving me the 5th degree?") just a simple and quick transaction and you're set.

THING STREET

Annoying: If I have a whole day of shopping to do then it takes me ges because, unless I want to spend a lot of money at somewhere like Vincom, I have to run around town to ten different places to get my errands done. It's exhausting.

Awesome: Almost everything I could possibly want is available in Hanoi. Not only that but I have an abundance of options. Not only do I have all of these options but I don't have to spend a lot of time shopping around for the same product. The reason why? Because all of the stores carrying this product are next to each other. I can hop from shop to shop comparing prices and products, bargaining (if that's allowed) and it actually makes me a smarter shopper When I bought a new computer (in the US) my father and I drove to three different places to compare, each place was about 45 minutes away from each other, it made me feel impulsive, like I wanted to buy the first one I saw just to avoid the hassle of traveling all day. However when I bought my new camera in Hanoi I went to just as many shops and looked at dozens of cameras but the whole process took an hour.

WAITING IN LINE:

Annoying: I spoke about this in a previous post.It aggravates me when people cut in line. Since my post though, I followed the advice of people and started being firm when someone got in front of me. Never rude, but just taking back my rightful place. Is it annoying that I have to do that? Kind of, but generally I am grumpy anyway because I hate waiting in line.

Awesome: I am a bit embarrassed to admit it but I have been known to be one of those line cutters. Actually this only happens when I am at the Viettel store (the only bill that I can't pay at home.) I basically walk in, stand in front of the counter, and allow myself to be seen right away.

BARGAINING

Annoying: Why can't things just be one price? Why do Vietnamese get one rate and foreigners get another? A day of shopping in the market is exhausting---and you return home with zero energy and only a handful of purchases.

Awesome: It's the culture here, and it's part of the fun. I love the feeling of bantering back and forth and sealing a good deal...being able to tell my friends, "Look what I got, and it was only X." Some people view it as trying to exploit the foreigners for more money, but bargaining is a major way of living for Vietnamese as well, and let's be serious, what good business person isn't going to try and get the most for their product?

I am not one of these expatriates that believes in complaining that things are different, or that I don't like certain attitudes or elements of the culture. I can't tell you how incredibly angry it makes me when I hear someone insult the people or the country here. I think they should go home. That may be a bold statement, but it's true. It's deplorable. As an expatriate, we CHOOSE to live in another country, and yes, things are going to be challenging, and out comfort zones tested. That's part of what makes the world so wonderful, is that there is such diversity in existence. If you don't like it then move back to where you came from.

Of course there are times that I get annoyed or frustrated but that would be anywhere. These little quirks are part of what make the Hanoi experience so special, they are part of the reason I didn't leave after my planned five months. Hanoi is unlike anywhere I have been in the world, it has similarities to other places in SE Asia, but a certain buzz, a feel to it that separates it from other cities. It is like any other relationship, one with real life and soul-it invigorates, challenges, frustrates and humbles.

Rules of Attraction: My Relationship Definition Handbook

2012-01-11T11:14:00.014+07:00

**amended January 17th (I am expecting a few more, especially as I have yet to chat with one of the most LEGENDARY people I know who has some suggestions. You know who you are ;) )
*amended January 12th

Last night, during a conversation with my housemate, the focus shifted to relationships of the romantic kind. She and I are similiar in SO many ways but the relationship forefront we couldn't be any more different. For example: I can't remember the last time I was truly single. Single meaning not involved in any way. I think it was when I was 15, as I started dating my "first real boyfriend", two days before my 16th birthday (and it lasted two and a half years) She, on the other hand, hasn't had a boyfriend since she was 18. She likes it that way. We make for an interesting mix and perspective.

Let me start this with my goal for 2012, my "New Years Resolution" if you will, is to be single. Maybe not for the entire year, but to engage in some strict "me" time, no distractions from the opposite sex. I wouldn't say I am co-dependent, in fact I don't think I am at all, I just like being in a relationship, I love falling in love, and am a sucker for attention :) But I digress, this isn't about my personal history...it's about what transpired during this conversation.

This conversation resulted in my inventing of a new relationship terminology handbook. The terms may sound familiar, but the definitions are my own, and I think they're pretty logical and should be adopted and followed by all. This list came about because Karen (my housemate) was asking me to explain what I wanted. (uhhh...what?) The first thing I did was list a lot of things I didn't want, and as we explored each thing I began labeling them, and we refined it into this list that I have just written out for all.

Some people may think these are stupid. "Why do I need to define what is going on?" they may ask. Maybe they don't. But I do. I am a control freak, I have to have a direction, and understanding. I don't like the grey area, "not knowing" drives me CRAZY. Literally it leaves me feeling a bit unhinged. I am, by all accounts, relatively laid back and stable, unless I am in undefined territory.

The list may grow and develop new phrases but this is what I've got for now, though receptive to input:

**Friend: Why did I ever leave this one out? I guess it seemed arbitrary to include. Do I even need to define what a friend is? Probably not, but I'll attach an addendum that states that the relationship remains strictly platonic always. There is no romantic attraction between these two people and nothing ever "happens." Those around you will always inquire if you've ever thought about it, why you don't like that person, do you think that person is into you. They may even have some kind of wager that "one night" something will. But really, it won't.

*No Fly Zone (NFZ): This is someone that we want but absolutely categorically can not have. Not because they're "out of our league" (does that even exist?) but because it is morally wrong to get involved with them. It could be as simple as the sister of your ex girlfriend, or your good friends ex boyfriend (though speaking from experience, I have had several of my good friends date my exes and I was ok with it) or it could be something more complicated like your boss, your professor, your friends recently divorced but very attractive parent, or the VERY BAD level meaning someones boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/e/husband/wife. The fact that you can't have this person makes you want them all the more, it consumes you. You try and justify ways that it could work, how you could be together. Logic escapes you, as does the fact that not only would this never actually work out but your object of affection (in most cases) has absolutely zero interest in you. Hopefully you are relatively normal (apart from your terrible taste in men/women) and that you keep your lustful yearnings to yourself, broadcasting them will just result in disaster...your ego will be crushed and everyone will hate you.

**Unrequited Love (UL): Ah the age old anguish of the Unrequited Love. Person A (The Adoree) is in love with Person B (The Adored) and Person B does not return the affection. We have all probably had a thing for someone who didn't share our sentiments (what an idiot they are!) but what do you do if this person is a good friend? It happens often. Two friends, one looking at the other as their soulmate while the other will never see them as anything other than a friend. Usually the adored is aware of their friends misplaced affection and it can create some uncomfortable situations. The Adored will try their best to extinguish the burning candle while remaining kind and trying to stay friends. The Adoree will either eventually find someone else (but always hold out hope) or cut off contact because it's too difficult to contain their emotions. (Personally, I believe that the big part of UL is the chase. The Adoree has built up this ideal of the Adored and has them on this unrealistic, unnatural pedestal. If a romantic relationship developed, The Adored could never live up to the expectations and The Adoree would be disappointed.)

One night stand (ONS): Not that anyone needs to know, but I've never done this. But I am compelled to include it in my handbook as many people I know do (hello, backpackers!) a ONS is someone you meet out that night (or day I guess) and go home with, hook up with and never see or speak to again. Unless you awkwardly live in a small city and run into them. (From what I'm told, it's better to pick someone from out of town) A ONS is not necessarily someone you've only hooked up with once, but rather hooked up with the first night you met and never hung out again. If you're friends with someone or have a pre-existing relationship with them and you hook up, even if it's only once, then it's not a one night stand. That's just "Yeah, we hooked up once."

**Casual Encounter (CE): You're at a bar/club/party and you run into someone. You kind of know each other, you always found them to be attractive. One thing lead to another and you're leaving together. You either leave after hooking up or sleep over, it doesn't really matter. When you say goodbye it's friendly and casual. A few weeks later you run into them again and the same thing happens. You never call them or text them. You don't make plans to be at the same place, nor do you really even think about them often. It just happens when it happens. You may not even know their last name. This can also be known as an Occasional Shag.

Booty call (BC): Someone you call only to hook up. You call this person for one reason and one reason only. There is no pretense, no dinner drinks or coffee. There's usually not even breakfast the next day because chances are, a sleepover won't happen. The only exception is 1. if you are out late and tell them to meet you at a bar, have one drink and go home or 2. you pass out after hooking up. Though the respectable thing to do is crawl out of bed as dawn hits, no goodbyes necessary.

Fling: This occurs when you have a very short amount of time with someone. It's not a ONS because you hook up repeatedly and it's not a BC or HUB/FWB because it's not sustainable. It usually occurs on holiday, either you're both on holiday and meet, or one person is on holiday in your city. You enjoy each other for however long you can, both on a personal and physical level but there is no question that the fling itself will end when the time is up. Flings aren't necessarily meaningless, you can develop friendships after, and in the rare occasion it can develop into something more serious, but usually it is what it is.

Hook-up buddy (HUB): It was previously F-buddy, but that sounds so crass, and frankly, I still blush when I talk about these things. A hook up buddy is someone you hang out with soley for the intention of hooking up. You think they're (kind of) cool but really your main focus is sleeping with them. You'll do things like go out for drinks or a meal, but after these activities you always-ALWAYS-go home together and hook up. Sleepovers usually occur, but more as a pretense to make it look like no one is being used (although really, they are) Once the physical side of the relationship ends, so do the hang out sessions. You would not be friends without it.

Friends-with-Benefits (FWB): We hear this phrase a lot but what does it really mean? For me, it's just that...a FRIEND that you hook up with. They key ingredient to this is actually being friends with the person, legitimate friends. You genuinely enjoy their company and spending time with them. Some time, after the friendship is established, you start hooking up, however you don't hook up every time you hang out. If it happens, it happens-if it doesn't then that's cool too. The most important thing is to keep the friendship exactly the same, you don't stop going to lunch or watching movies together just because you're hooking up. You keep everything as is, the only difference is that sometimes you end up in bed together. You don't discuss this, or feelings. However, honesty is important. Lines can get blurred easily and if you feel like you're developing "feelings" for your FWB you have to tell them, so that it can stop. It may get a little weird for a while but they're your friend, so it'll be fine. (People say this is one of the most difficult relationships to pull off. I'm not sure I agree. I think people allow themselves to get too freaked out about what it means or how it's affecting the friendship rather than just leaving well enough alone and going with it. Things are only weird if you allow them to be.)

*Inevitable Friendship Slip (IFS): There is an old saying that men and women can't be just friends, and I think that's ridiculous. Of course men and women can be completely platonic. However, sometimes things happen, you're out with your friend, you're partying, you're drinking (hopefully) and one thing leads to another and you wake up in their apartment with a pounding headache and sickness in your stomach. You've never even THOUGHT about them in "that" way. You swear to yourself that it will "never happen again" (a promise that you'll actually keep) You will most likely spend a significant part of that morning and following weeks being extremely uncomfortable around your friend aka "the mistake"...wondering if you've ruined the friendship, if the other person has been secretly into you all this time, or if they're just as weirded out as you are. I think this the INS is a pretty common scenario and it's sad that friendships are ruined over it, because they don't have to be. Yes, things will feel a bit uncomfortable for a while but that will pass. The trick is not to force anything...unlike FWB you shouldn't pretend like everything is the same. Hope that you were drunk (though a lame excuse because if alcohol were really an excuse we'd be hooking up with everyone whenever we were drunk) Acknowledge the situation, laugh awkwardly, and then spend some time being very busy. The next time you catch up, things will be fine. Just don't, you know, repeat your mistake. Or tell them they were a mistake. That's just mean.

**The Distraction (TD): The Distraction is someone you take into your life because you need them to distract you from a much larger issue. TD's presence in your life makes you focus on them instead of whats really bothering you. Usually when you first meet them, you convince yourself that they're some kind of wonderful but it's usually just part of the overall denial you're engaging in. In fact, if you were really honest with yourself you would realize that you don't even really like TD, but you just keep a hyper focus on them anyway as it's easier than being miserable about something else.

Casual Monogamy (CM): Karen laughed out loud at this one. She said, "There's no such thing." I think she is forgetting that this is MY dictionary so if I want this to exist then it will. I'll admit it sounds a little weird, but just work with me on this one. Casual monogamy is another term for "exclusively hooking up"...but without any of the drama that feelings and a relationship can bring. This kind of relationship occurs with someone that you like, you're interested in as more than a friend but you don't want them to be your "significant other." You spend time together, talk about real things, and hook up but just not have it be serious. Maybe it's because you aren't ready for commitment or maybe there are circumstances keeping a serious relationship from occurring, either way this is low key and relaxed, however you are not ok with them hooking up with other people.

Dating: I have always felt like there is a big difference between dating someone and having them be my boyfriend. Dating is just that, meeting someone you like, and going on dates with them. Usually you are into them and exploring the option of a future so won't do anything stupid like hook up with them too early on. Dating is being interested enough and also receptive to the possibility of a real committed relationship. Feelings develop. On a side note: dating is not exclusive. While you are "dating" someone you are perfectly within your rights to go on dates with other people as this is just an exploratory activity to see if you WANT to be with the person. I wouldn't advertise it but I wouldn't lie about it either. (This is also why it's good not to hook up with people you're dating, because it can get gross of you're juggling) Once you and the person you're dating decide to "make it exclusive" then you're in a committed relationship. I'm sorry, people, but it's true. I know many of you (especially men) have issues with the label "boyfriend" but GET OVER IT...if you're into someone enough to only see them, then that's what you are. It's only scary if you let it be. (On a personal note, dating freaks me out. It feels so formal and contrived. Going on a date for me is totally nerve-wrecking. My last boyfriend tricked me into dating him by not asking me out, just saying things like, "I'm hungry, want to get lunch?" he did this for a while before taking me on a "real date", one that I turned him down for until he explained, "We've been dating for a while, this is no different." which didn't ease my nerves at all.)

Committed relationship (aka boyfriend/girlfriend/partner): These are by far my favorite. The definition is pretty straightforward...a committed relationship is when you like someone enough that you want to be with just them. You adore being in their presence and exploring the world with them. You find them interesting, funny, attractive...they bring out a side in you that makes you feel better and be nicer. You make plans with them, meet their family, and actually do things like picture a future. Maybe there won't be a future but still, you start to factor them into your decisions. You let them see the real you, you fight, you cry, you fall in love. You're faithful. You're honest. Within them you discover new things about yourself without losing who you were in the past (maintaining independence is really important---time and time again I see people go from being awesome to being lame because they're in a committed relationship. I understand that priorities change, that you have to balance more than you used to but it IS possible. I had a boyfriend for four years, we lived together, yet we maintained our own lives. I don't think our friends could complain that they didn't see us. We had "us time" but we also had "me" time. You had a life before, so why give it up?) It's no secret I am happiest in this kind of situation, it mellows me out but it's only a positive experience if both people are equally committed and have the same views. Once it goes awry it's best to walk away.)

**BF-EX: Sometimes two incredible people date, and despite being wonderful individuals, simply can not make a romantic relationship work. It's odd how that happens, how you can like everything about someone but yet once you're with them it just...fails. A BF-EX is someone you used to be romantically involved with, who you have nothing bad to say about (despite breaking up) so are now considered among your closest comrades. These make for the most phenomenal people to have in your life because they know you on a level that very few can. They've seen you at your most endearing and at your failures, which means they can not only offer you great love-life advice, but they're also a fantastic support system. They understand you, and genuinely care about you (as you do them) Things don't feel awkward or taboo with them, and inhibitions are pretty much non existent. When you're with them, you have worlds of fun. Sometimes you may find yourself wondering what it would be like to get back together with them, but you like them too much to ever risk it. (Side note: I'm really good at these)

*Ex-Factor: This is pretty obvious. We break up with a significant other but continue hooking up with them for whatever reason. Exes are rarely exes anymore, are they? Whether you share mutual friends or a passion for sleeping with one another, it's more commonplace these days that exes are a part of our lives. Hooking up with an ex is never a smart idea, even if "we're totally over them" because in actuality, if we're sleeping with them then we're not. Some women I know use their exes as "BCs" because "they don't want to add a number" (I think that's pathetic-does anyone ever care about that anymore?) My primary issues with Ex-Hookups are: a) there are deep rooted feelings somewhere and b) engaging in such activity is giving your ex some kind of power, like they can still have you, and I don't like that. (This might be my own personal neurosis) but then again the Ex has a lot of appeal---we feel comfortable with them, we know their likes and dislikes, we are aware of what we're getting ourselves into (nothing worse than a disappointing hook up session) While we might lack the emotional connection that was once there, it is replaced with some kind of raw animalistic nature that gives us the uninhibitness of a ONS with the stability of a committed relationship. Just be warned: this is never sustainable. Someone will get hurt, usually when the other decides to stop this game.

Engaged: I shouldn't have to explain this one so I won't.

Married: Again. It should be obvious. That being said, my personal view is that: a) it's something I want eventually b) I believe in the sanctity of it c) it should be for life. (unless there are circumstances such as domestic abuse) I could go on about how I believe a marriage should be but I am not qualified yet to discuss it. My views would be idealistic and perhaps not practical.

That being said, this is all hypothetical, since I'm, you know, staying single for 2012. Just thought there should be an across the board even playing field for all.

*Thanks to everyone who has messaged me about this blog, it was great to read all of your comments and hear your thoughts. I'm also glad that my interest in the way relationships work seem to resonate with others. One thing I didn't touch on (which I was asked about) was how to upgrade from one relationship to another (ex: FWB to Committed Relationship) the reason I didn't discuss that is because I have no idea Believe me, I wish I did, but I tend to stumble through a series of repeated errors in my own relationships. I can identify, that's about it.

2011: Happy New Year, but Happy Old Year too

2012-01-03T12:08:00.004+07:00

Usually when the end of the year approaches I incredulously ask myself where the time has gone. I think it can't be possible that another 365 days has passed. I used to think that this was a good thing, that it meant time was flying because of how great life is. I am not dispelling that notion, however, I am going to say that my year this year felt different.In some ways it feels like time stood still but in others it flew by.

2011 was a benchmark year for me in so many ways and I can't even begin to measure the amount I learned, grew, and accomplished. I started out the year working at an all Vietnamese PR firm, a move that was disastrous in some ways but also provided me with a great learning experience. I hate when people say that actually, it seems obligatory and cliche to say when something wasn't great... but I did actually learn. I learned about Vietnamese culture, I learned about the different ways to approach people. I also learned that I wanted to work for a foreign owned and run company. I started my current job (which is both) and I spend every day doing something different and challenging.

Somewhere during the year I had an epiphany with what I wanted to do with my life. I've always felt a little lost, like I was kind of stumbling around, going through the motions but never really knew what I was working towards. Never really felt inspired. I really didn't like the feeling of having no direction and was unsuccessful in finding one by just thinking about it. I guess thinking about things too much can result in more confusion and discontent. The answer came to me when i wasn't even asking the question, when I was just being...I realized that my lifestyle, the people I enjoy being around, the things that evoke passion all lead to one thing and before I knew it I had decided that I wanted to go back to university and study International Relations. I want to work in Foreign Services. It is such an obvious choice, and one that I perhaps avoided considering due to my upbringing. Maybe I should just accept that I'm exactly like my father and that it's ok to be. :)

2011 was also a year of extreme emotional growth.

I have spent so much time building this wall around myself, making it impossible to get close. I am, for all accounts, obsessed with appearances, with not looking like I failed. With seeming invincible. The truth is, that I didn't allow anyone close enough to break me. I come off like I am open and receptive but always stopped just short of really handing myself over. I didn't want to because I was scared. I am known for over-analzying, for anticipating the worst, for needing control of a situation. (such great qualities haha) You can't enjoy life that way not to mention it's impossible. I have an amazing network of friends-pillars really-who have shown me the definition of loyalty and being there for someone. Who have been supportive and my strength when I didn't have any. Who care about me and who I care about as well. I feel safe in my relationships, like we all want what's best for the other. There is no rat race competition or backstabbing. There aren't frenemies, just teammates. My close relationships are geniune and solid.

I can't really talk about 2011 without mentioning my romantic relationship, which spanned across nine months of the year. I have avoided speaking or writing about it because I don't really have the right words to define what it meant to me. It was something I fell into, completely unexpected and quite frankly, unwanted (at the time) but I had no idea how much this one person would impact my life. I got a lot of grief from people about it, they thought us being together something comical. I never really felt the need to justify or explain it, I never viewed it as anyones business and I still don't. However, my year was shaped and marked by this person, not just my year... but my life.

My relationship surprised me in every level imaginable. I could recite of list of adjectives describing him or tell some anecdotes but I don't see the point. What matters is how he made me feel, how he came into my world and made it beautiful in degrees I didn't realize it could be. With his "let it be" approach, he asked me to relinquish control, to stop needing all of the answers but just go with the rhythm of life... he made me willing to unapologetically go all in for a CHANCE of something that could've paid off. If it didn't work, at least I gave it my best shot. Being someone who guarded my heart too much, he gave me the courage and nerve to love as if there was no tomorrow. I knew that by exposing everything that I was was opening myself up to heartache but he made me willing risk that. I think there is something beautiful in that.

He, by just being himself, allowed me to want more for myself. Against all of my resistances, he made me fall and made me incredibly vulnerable. With him, I began to feel. I stopped running away and stopped closing myself off. He coaxed me into this way of being despite my fighting him the whole way, he showed me that it was ok. From day one, I knew it wasn't going to work out. People asked me all the time, why I would be with someone that I knew I had no future with. Why I'd set myself up for hurt. I didn't know how to really answer, I knew we wouldn't really last... circumstances made it impossible, but I didn't care. I didn't care because for the first time in my life I was with someone who made me feel all the things I always dreamed of feeling but didn't realize were actually possible. I had always had this vision in my head of how I wanted a relationship to be, but was never able to get it quite right. There was always something lacking, until this one who showed me that it was possible to have it all. Even if it was temporary, I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.

I'm not going to pretend like it was perfect. It wasn't. Elements were frustrating and stressful. I also found myself feeling angry and hurt a lot, mainly towards the end, and there is still some residual left from that, but for the most part, I couldn't believe my luck. While I knew I'd have to give him up, the mere concept that someone like him exists restored my faith in life and love. And when we ended things just shy of nine months I was broken. Not because it was a surprise, and not because it wasn't mutual (we had one of these rare experiences where we both saw the writing on the wall and both wanted to leave and did so as amicably as one can) and not because I thought we'd get married, but because it was the end of a rare and idealistic romance. A fairytale really.

Sometimes I break down and cry about it. I don't really know how to explain why. The relationship ran its course, we are not supposed to be together and I don't want to get back together. So I don't understand why I am crying. I shouldn't cry because the truth is, despite whatever hurt or anger or frustration I felt or still feel, I got so much out of our relationship, I evolved. I guess I cry for what was, and for losing what we had and I worry that maybe I am a failure, that I can't keep a good thing, or that, because of the anguish I feel at times, that maybe it wasn't real after all.

My emotional development, these changes and enlightenments, are not solely contributed to him, and haven't just affected how I am in a romantic relationship but how I am in life. I am now the kind of person that talks about her feelings to people. Who cries in public. (ok maybe that's not good) Who doesn't care if she looks stupid. I say what I think, how I feel, what I want. I have been taught that strength is not keeping people out, but by letting myself be open. That as scary as it is to expose your heart and feelings it makes you a force to be reckoned with, and that only the weak hide behind pretense. I hate when I start to cry and sob, and I hate feeling so helpless and hurt sometimes, but I love that I am now able to express myself.

So 2011 was a year where I figured out what i want to do with my life, found a great job but also discovered a new kind of strength and faith. I began to trust people, REALLY trust people. And I also began to trust myself, believe in myself again. I have started accepting people for who they are at face value. I've stopped assuming that the world is out to get me. I've stopped anticipating hurt. Hurt may come but I know I can handle it. I, for the first time in for as long as I can remember.... have faith. Now all I need to do is stop over-analyzing.

Keep On Keeping On Like a Bird That Flew

2011-12-19T11:29:00.005+07:00

I have spoken in the past about one of the most difficult aspects of life as an expat are the goodbyes. More often than not, people are going to leave the foreign land they've been spending their time in, and when they do so, they'll be leaving behind people who love and care for them. The bonds between expatriates form so much faster and seem so much stronger than some of the relationships with people back home that we've known for years. it's partially because we have the whole isolation factor, as an expat we really are "in it together" and the other contributing factor would be there is an instant sense of solidarity due to the fact that we have something in common. We're all sharing something similar. We know how the other person feels, which is a powerful notion.

It can be overwhelming at times too, this warped sense of reality. I find that time is measured differently here. When I meet someone in America or Europe, it takes me several months to build up a friendship with them. In Asia, you meet and 10 minutes later you're making plans for a bike trip that weekend. It's lovely in a way but it also intensities everything and distorts perception. A day is still a day, a week, just a week, and a month is still just a blink in the grand scheme of life. It may feel like an eternity but later on in life, looking back, it'll seem fleeting.

I am lucky that I have met incredible and inspirational people, some that are still here, and some that have left and are scattered all over the world. There are now so many cities I can visit and have a close friend who lives there. We may not speak that frequently but we have a connection that will remain in existence for the rest of our lives.

For someone like me (who hates goodbyes) living here has been difficult at times, I'd get depressed at each departure. Cry and be miserable. I still don't handle goodbyes well. I simply don't handle them. I selfishly miss out on goodbye drinks or get togethers. It makes me seem like a callous bitch, and in some ways perhaps I am one. Or maybe I am just immature. I don't have an "out of sight out of mind" mentality, I don't think goodbye means the end of a relationship, however I don't want to make a deal about it. I'd rather pretend that it's not happening, that everything is the same.

There are, of course, some goodbyes that are much worse than others. Expats are just like everyone in the world, they want and enjoy having affection in their lives, so people start dating. And unless you're dating a local, or extremely lucky, chances are that the object of your attention hails from a different locale than you do. And that they're on a different time schedule than you. While you're living in the safety of your expat bubble this doesn't matter, you have each other and everything is perfect, but inevitably, if you're both foreigners, someone is going to have to leave. That's where the difficulty comes in. Do you leave the relationship behind? Cherish the memories but move on? Or do you romanticize that what you had was real, and will be real no matter where you are or how many miles are between you.

I don't think there is a set answer for that. In fact, i think the only thing we can do in life, is just go with it. I am a control freak. I like to know what's going to happen, to be able to manage expectations but one of the major lessons I've learned out here is that life is unpredictable. Especially if you choose to involve another individual. We never know what's going to happen. But then again, would we know what's going to happen in our home country? I have fallen out of love or stopped being friends with people when i was living in the same city as them, just because that's life, and that's a part of it.

I used to make all of these rules for myself: I told myself that i wouldn't start friendships with anyone who had less than six months left. I said I wouldn't date long distance. I said I wouldn't date at all. None of these have worked, because they can't.

Trying to predict or control something something as capricious as relationships is pointless. I have people in my life that i spent one week with traveling through some part in Asia that I speak to on a regular basis, but people that I grew up with, shared my secrets with, I barely hear from now that I'm not in their direct line of sight.

It recently hit me that all my life I have been so focused with the destination that I haven't really stopped to look around at the journey. So in the past month i have managed to refocus and re prioritize and kind of stop thinking so much. (I'm not suggesting that i float through without any goals or aspirations, but there are some things that perhaps I need to relinquish control of.)

I do have personal and professional goals for myself but I am not sticking to this rigid track, as I think that only imposes limitations. I am letting people in my life because I want them there, and am not thinking within long term timeline but rather whether I feel a connection with them or not. Maybe they won't physically be in the same country as me in a week or a month or a year but I've stopped thinking that matters so much. Geography and demographics might complicate things but things have a way of working themselves out. People don't have to be an arms reach away to be important, to be present, to profoundly affect you. I refuse to close myself off to things because of logistics or proximity, because as I said, I've been witness to these things not mattering.

I could write a long list of things that I should or shouldn't be doing, people I should run away from....or I could just do what feels right and enjoy what life has to offer without trying to plan it all out first.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T08:47:00.007+07:00

It’s that time of year again, Thanksgiving. Where Americans take one day out of their lives to stop complaining about everything that’s wrong in their world and concentrate on how lucky they are. I am as guilty as everyone else, fixating on what could be better rather than basking in the fortunes already bestowed on me.

This is now my second Thanksgiving abroad, the first one that I will be spending family-less (last year my brother was living here and we had pho.) and I will of course do the whole “soul searching and figuring out what I am so thankful for”

I’ll fire off the obvious ones, like I always do:

1. My family. I ramble on and on about how amazing they are. I won’t bore you again, but my appreciation for them is immeasurable. While I have always known this, recently, the importance of family has been much more apparent to me. My bonds and desire for proximity have increased. I hate spending the holidays without them.

2. My job. I have one. It may not be what I want to do for the rest of my life but I have a job when so many people don’t. And my job is interesting, unpredictable, it allows me to challenge myself, explore options, and provide a nice life for myself.

3. The people I surround myself with. I have amassed a collection of extraordinary people from every corner of the world…some from childhood and some as recently as last week…all of who inspire and enlighten me on a regular basis simply by being the wonderful and dynamic individuals that they are. I have learned something from every single one of them and I feel so loved and blessed.

4. My life is an adventure. In the past year I’ve been to the US, UK, Thailand (all twice) not to mention my various travels throughout Vietnam, and I have an upcoming trip to Sri Lanka planned. The year before that I was in the US twice, Bali, Cambodia, Laos, Japan, and Singapore. I’d say that’s pretty awesome.

5. My health. Today I found out that a good friend of mines sister was recently paralyzed. What she and her family are going through right now is unimaginable. I got the news while walking to work and all I could think about was how much she’d give to walk again, and I shouldn’t take it for granted. These things we just do, like walking, we don't even think about. But we should, because it's a blessing. For any of you who are long time readers of my blog, you may remember last year when I was diagnosed with psoriasis. I took it pretty hard, mainly, I’m ashamed to admit, for superficial concerns. But the more I read about it, the more I realize it is actually more serious than just aesthetics. While there is no cure, I am grateful that I am in a position to recognize what this is, that I have information and resources to help me manage symptoms when it attacks, and that (so far, knock on wood) my experience with the disease is mild and minimal. I can still walk, see, taste, hear and live.

Another thing I am thankful for is the fact that I have a choice. Last year, I wrote about realizing that food, water, and shelter were not givens, but actually luxuries… and being able to have a choice is a luxury as well.

Everything I do is a result of a decision that I made. 99% of what happens in my life I have control over. If I don’t like something, I can stop. If I want to move or leave, I can. I am not bound to anything unless, in some way, I choose to be. I can say what I think, do what I want, and be who I am, and I can do this all freely. My world is a world filled with endless options and I take this for granted every single day.

I read the news and watch documentaries and feel outrage and despair when I read about tragedies all over the world, however until very recently, I’ve never stopped to view these against my own life. There are people, millions of people, who in some form, are rendered prisoner. Perhaps not physically behind bars, but in the sense that they don’t have options. Maybe they are from war torn countries, or are into forced labour or prostitution, are being blackmailed, or are just in a position where they are helpless, where they can’t change, where they are completely stuck and have no way out.

In these aforementioned documentaries and articles, we gain awareness of what’s going on. We can list off dozens of world issues we’d like to fix, people we’d like to save. Very rarely do people actually do something. I’m not saying that’s wrong or terrible to go on with our lives, it is difficult to be able to change or fix the world…but what’s not difficult to change and fix is our own perspective. While ingesting all of these horrors from the safety or our sofa, instead of just thinking, “That’s so horrible, those poor people.” We should also take heed of how it applies to us. Mainly that it doesn’t. We were fortunate enough to be born into an existence where these problems are beyond our realm of imagination and we should be eternally grateful for that. We should hear these stories and genuinely cherish how lucky we are.

So this Thanksgiving I am not only going to revel in my #1-5 but I am actually thinking about what it means to have a choice, and I am going to go beyond this holiday season and continue to appreciate what I have. This isn’t to say that I am never going to complain again, that is impossible, but I think it’s important for me to recognize that most of the things I find dissatisfaction with that I actually have some ability to fix or modify. As long as I have that I am better off than so many, and so are you.

Crazy Train

2011-11-14T11:51:00.005+07:00

In April, my housemate and I decided to have a beach getaway week in Hoi An. Her sister and sisters bf were going and she didn't want to be the third wheel. I was in between jobs and am never one to say no to 1. the beach and 2. fantastic food. The only snag was that we couldn't fly, as her passport was in visa renewal mode. A sub- catch? We weren't going in a sleeper cabin on the 15 hour train ride. No, we were going in the hard, upright seats.

While I am not a fussy traveler in the slightest, I am the first to admit that i like to be comfortable. However, I figured this would be an adventure, and an adventure it was. I am surprised it's taken me so long to write about.

The first thing I noticed was that we were the only foreigners in the cabin. This wasn't all that surprising to me, but to the other travelers we were anomalies. Especially to the two men directly across the aisle from us. The train crew kept coming up and trying to sell us an upgrade to the sleeper cabins. We said no and as the journey progressed into the evening, everything seemed to settle down. We had one women in the row in front of us projectile vomit, but aside from that it was normal.

Around 11pm, all of the lights in the train went out, apart from in our cabin, which strangely stayed glaringly on. Also the AC was blasting to frigid temperatures. However, people, Karen included, naturally drifted into a state of slumber. (Karen's way of beating the light and cold was genius-she put on her hoodie BACKWARDS) So it was at this time that the two men across the aisle decided to make their move...into the aisle.

For those of you who have never been on a train in Vietnam, or southeast Asia for that matter, the aisles are tiny. On par with airplanes. So these men, move into the aisle to play cards. For SEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT. Fine. Not everyone can sleep on trains (case in point yours truly was reading a book and silently cursing Karen)

It wasn't the playing cards that caught my attention, but the events surrounding the 7 hour card game. The complete lack of regard for the fact that it was sleeping time or that there were other people in the cabin at all. First of all-despite the NO SMOKING signs, they began chain smoking. Blowing the smoke in Karen's face as they leaned their arms on her seat (good thing she had the hoodie!) When the cigarette smoking wasn't enough of a thrill, they pulled out one of those long wooden bong type things and started taking hits from it. That was the point I started having a giggling fit. They kept this up, as I said, for seven hours. If someone wanted to pass them, they refused to move, and the person had to climb over them. They also engaged in very loud conversation, and let their mobile phones ring for a solid 20 seconds before answering each call, and then having a loud conversation. At this point Karen is getting this whole grumpy stop waking me up look on her face and I am succumbing to my delirium.

Around 7am, they retired to their seats, and with the game of cards no longer available to entertain them, they moved on to the next obvious form of distraction-the two foreign girls across the aisle. I think it's safe to say that these two men probably have every inch of my face memorized, have probably counted every eyelash and freckle that I have. When I say they were STARING I don't mean, giving us the one over. I mean STARING for, no joke, two hours straight. Even when Karen I looked back, they didn't look away. their expressions didn't even change, they just kept staring. What I couldn't fully understand was what were they looking at? I understand I look different, but why is it necessary to stare for so long? Surely it must get old after a while. It's not like we were doing anything or anything about our face would change. When they got off the train (Hue) they rubbed my arm and waved goodbye. apparently staring for hours and blowing smoke in our face is grounds for kinship.

We decided that the train ride back would be different. That we were going to sleep no matter what was thrown at us. We picked up some fantastic sleep aids at the pharmacy that start with "V" and end with "alium", popped two pills each and fell into a deep and undisturbed slumber, relishing in the fact that diazepam is OTC here. :) The 15 hours passed with ease and before we knew it we were pulling into Hanoi. I conceded to Karen that the train wasn't so bad after-all, I mean this journey was drama free.

As we stood up to collect our bags is when I noticed her. A woman running down the narrow and clogged aisle with her hand over her mouth, cheeks puffed out. In my dazed still under the influenced state, I weakly called out to Karen, "Hey Karen, watch out..." Karen took a step forward at the same time the woman rushing down the aisle could no longer contain her motion sickness, unleashing it all over Karen's leg and foot.

Anyone who knows me, knows that 1. I am a nervous laughter person. If something awkward happens I am in hysterics. and 2. Gross things/bathroom humour sets me off. So this was too much for me, I ran off the train, onto the platform and keeled over...tears streaming from my eyes doubled over in laughter, barely able to breathe. I still laugh over this. The fact that someone vomited all over my friend and that this is almost commonplace in travel here.

While I prefer not to take 15 hour train journeys when i can fly, i have to admit that a plane ride wouldn't have been as entertaining. K and I wouldn't have the memories, the laughter, the vomit. it's one of those things that make living in Asia so special.

Pic: the man across the aisle. I forgot to describe him. he had spiked front hair, with a long mullet. VERY VERY long fingernails. A Confucius mustache and Buddha belly.

The Lost Art of Thank You (Notes)

2011-11-12T11:44:00.003+07:00

Today I wrote three thank you notes and as I was writing them it dawned on me (not for the first time) how doing such a thing is almost obsolete these days. It's something I don't understand, why people have stopped expressing their gratitude in a formal way in a personal or social setting. I am aware that thank you notes (or emails) are still common in the business world or after an interview, but why don't why apply the same manners to our everyday lives?

I guess we often neglect to consider that despite people doing nice things for us (having us over for dinner, hosting us, giving us a gift, or even just taking us into consideration and engaging in a kind act on our behalf) that they don't actually HAVE to do these things, it's still an act of kindness. If someone takes time out of their time and their lives to make our world a bit better than it seems practically inexcusable to not express gratitude properly.

Growing up, my mother was a drill sergeant about manners. Actually, not even growing up, she still is. We were-and still are expected to behave a certain way. One thing I remember very distinctly is how she got us to write out notes---she made us really appreciate. I was not allowed to touch my Christmas gift or cash a birthday check until a note was written and sealed in an envelope. "You are not," she's insist, "allowed to touch that barbie doll until you have thanked Auntie X for it." As I child, i (obviously) hated it. I thought it was annoying, but somewhere along the line it became second nature for me. I can't NOT write a thank you note now. I obviously don't have to anymore, my mothers not breathing down my neck, nor do I do it because I feel like I have to or that i want to impress someone with my manners. I write them because I genuinely mean it, and because I'm big on appreciation. I, like evreyone, likes to feel appreciated, and in turn when someone does something for me, I want them to know that I their consideration and thoughfulness meant a great deal to me.

My friends sometimes call me and tell me that i make them look bad, by sending these notes to their parents. My ex boyfriend told me that after four years of dating i didn't need to send his parents a note every time they took me out for dinner or I stayed at their house (I still did) I've had people tell me that these notes aren't necessary, but me they are.

I don't know what the purpose of this post really is. I guess when writing these notes I just thought about how easy it was to do. Each note took three minutes to write. Going to the post office for stamps and posting will take five minutes. that's less than 15 minutes out of my day, yet I know despite the small of energy it took me to fulfill this task, that the recipient will feel genuine warmth when they open their mailbox and see that they have an envelope that is not only a NOT a bill, but also let's them know that their kindness isn't overlooked, expected or taken for granted. (Plus my mother still tells me in hushed terse tones when someone fails to thank her properly for something they should've)

Let's spend more time in our lives focusing on the good, the positive, the things that make us smile and the people who are behind it. Maybe you don't have to write thank you notes all the time (it could get ridiculous) but we should be more openly appreciative. After all, it's the little things, right?

Running With Coyotes

2011-10-01T10:08:00.005+07:00

There is something about the bad boy that women simply can not resist. While we know that we are precious commodities that ought to be adored, nice guys seem to lack the edge that draws and keeps women interested in anything other than friendship.

Bad boys are exciting. They're fun. They're unpredictable (although, really they're not. It's pretty obvious how it's going to play out) They give you incredible highs followed by miserable lows which you forget about because they'll reel you back in as soon as your despondency begins manifesting into indifference. Bad boys, for me, seem to appeal to not only the rebel inside of us, but also the old fashioned traditional side of us.

From the beginning of time, women were drawn to great soldiers and knights because they represented the ultimate form of masculinity, and there was the underlying notion that they'd protect them and keep them safe. The bad boys today have taken over that form of masculinity. In fact, we view bad boy (as opposed to nice guys) behaviour as "a typical guy" and there is probably something deep rooted within us that compels us to these men. We concede that this is how they're supposed to act. "Boys will be boys"

Women spend countless hours agonizing over, crying, and making excuses for men. Which is ironic because the men often times couldn't care less. They don't sit around wondering what she's thinking or if she cares. They have better things to do with their time. (And so should we, ladies.)

I'm the girl who is friends with all of the bad boys. I get to sit around and listen to the way they talk (enlightening and frightening)and then watch them in action (amusing and repulsive) I also get to hear women complain about them, how awful they are asking me how could I be friends with such mysogynists. And the answer is simple: Because they aren't like that with me and they don't have to be like that with you. That guy who you slept with last month who not only never called but then went home with your coworker right in front of you the following week? I have dinner with him twice a week. We talk about current events, books, movies. When I'm sick, that guy who you were seeing that disappeared on you, brought me soup and aspirin. So I wonder, how can these men be so lovely and protective and caring to some women in their life but not to others? How can they hand me tissues and say, "That guy's an ass, you can do way better" when they've been the man they're berating 100 times over?

I think in large part, it is "standard" and "the way men are" but I also believe that, in some cases, it may be a little bit of peacocking for each other. Just like women dress up for each other, men conquer and share. In their mind, it's way cooler to sit around the bar talking about that hot girl they got last night rather than saying how wonderful it is to be in a serious relationship. It's almost like a right of passage or proving their manhood to each other. But it also, is a large part, the environment. Women tend to accept much less than they deserve, maybe because they've bought into this idea that they have to, or that "guys are just like that." We think we have no other option and since he can be nice sometimes, it's worth the times you're alone in your room staring at your phone wondering if he's still interested. If we stopped accepting this behaviour, set high standards for ourselves (so basically: You get what you give. Not settling for anything less than we're giving out) and actually went out living our lives in this fashion, I think we'd see a major improvement. Maybe not en masse, but at least in personal relationships. All of the above bad boys? Have had serious girlfriends. And they've treated them very well. I understand the draw and excitement of the bad boy, so if you can't resist it, do as I do...have them in your life, but just as friends. I can guarantee it's just as much fun.

Now before I get all of these messages in my inbox about how I'm insane or justifying men's bad deeds, I'd like to clarify that this is just a human interest speculation. I am fascinated by the concept of women who go for men who behave badly. In my particular case, none of this is really applicable to my actual life. My boyfriend is the furthest thing from a bad boy, which is one of the things that i like the most about him. I go for the nice guy, I always have. I like it when a guy calls me when he says he will, tells me how he feels, brags about me to his friends, introduces me to his family and makes me and my happiness a priority. I don't want to feel stressed or confused about how someone feels about me, just like i won't let someone I care about have any doubts as to how I feel for them. That's what i like, want and need and as a result...I don't settle for anything less.

In fact, I'll even go as far to say that I think nice guys are the modern day knights and soliders, that being a NICE guy is being much more of a man, a powerful man, because nice guys go against what the role that society is trying to put them in. they make their own decisions and are strong enough to say to the macho men, "No I'm not going to be like everybody else. I'm going to be ____." That's the stuff REAL men are made of.

Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

2011-09-03T08:51:00.007+07:00

I live in the Old Quarter, a decision that leaves many expats shaking their head incredulously wondering how I could do it. "It's so loud and crowded!" they exclaim, "And don't you get bothered all the time with people trying to sell you things?"

This can be a major point of contention for foreigners in this country, both ones who have decided to live here as well as the ones just visiting. It is very difficult to be foreign and walk down the road without being approached, whether it be to buy some fruit, a t shirt, or offered a xe om (motorbike taxi)...my housemate was even asked how much it would cost for an hour with HER but that's a whole other story.

I admit, that it tries my patience at times that I can't even walk half a block without being solicited, and am ashamed to admit there have been times that I haven't always exercised perfect manners in my response (in my defense, I've only gotten snappy when the seller is persistent, following me down the street and not taking no for an answer and shoving things in my face) but as "annoying" as it may be at times, I, and other foreigners have to accept that this is a way of life here. This is many people's livelihoods and as frustrating as it can be, there is never an excuse for rudeness.

It's taken me a fair while, but I think I have finally mastered the effective brush off to these vendors. As I mentioned before, I can't condone bad manners (blame my parents who imparted proper etiquette on us from a very young age-to this day, I still write thank you notes, eat everything put in front of me/not starting my meal until everyone's been served amongst other things that to some seem fake and contrived but really are so ingrained in my subconscious that I'm not even aware that I'm doing them) nor do i have a stomach for the VERY common foreigner response which is IGNORING the sellers. I can't really bring myself to do it without feeling like a disgusting human being. No one deserves to be ignored, to do so is so elitest. It is not ok to treat people like they don't exist. (Now I know many people will disagree with me on this one, especially the expats who are harangued regularly and don't want to spend a huge amount of time each time they go outside fending people off.)

So what is one to do? How can we be left alone and be nice about it? To keep the peace while maintaining a level of respect towards the people whose country we're residing in? The answer is so simple it's almost laughable: be nice. I have discovered that a big smile goes a long long way, even if I am saying "no" when presenting it. In fact, not only do I find that with this approach I am usually left alone for further attempts, BUT I get a smile back. It doesn't take any more time to do so either, I go along with my business, flashing my grin and polite refusal without even a skip in my stride.

I, am by no means, saying that I am perfect or the best person in the world. Nor am i saying it's easy all the time, because believe there are times I want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE, especially when my "No" isn't accepted the first time around, but I am making a conscious effort to ensure that I am always pleasant and respectful. Not only because that is the type of person i want to be, but because when you sit down and think about it, why shouldn't you be? These people live a much more difficult life than i do, i don't have to sell fruit or a taxi ride to provide for my family. I'm not outside all day competing with 100 others just like me to earn my salary. Not only are these vendors working very hard, much harder than I do probably, but I am also living in THEIR country, and have no right at all to be anything other than grateful and respectful to them for them allowing me to do so.

Being nice is easy. Smiling is powerful tool. Try it.

Be What I Set Out To Be

2011-08-29T09:34:00.004+07:00

I have been such a miserable bitch for the past two months. Honestly, I don't know how anyone could stand me. I know I haven't been able to stand me so goodness knows how everyone else could.

I was on the phone last night with someone who knows me very well, someone who'd reached out to me because my twitterfeed read like a Greek tragedy and while they were supportive and encouraging they imparted some tough love: "What are you talking about, Alice? All isn't lost. This is a terrible attitude, really really sad and you can do better than that."

I realized then that they were right. (Yes, Jax, you have that in writing) I CAN do better than that. I've spent my ENTIRE life doing better than that and have no idea why I've let myself slip into to this dismal abyss. But the GOOD NEWS is that as of today I'm stopping. I am no longer going to be a wretched wench, I am going to start focusing on the positive and revert back to the enigmatic and enthusiastic firecracker that you all know and adore.

I am doing this not only because I know that my family, friends and boyfriend are sick of my morose attitude, that it is making me unattractive to be around but also (more importantly) I am tired for wallowing in a melancholy existence. It's exhausting and pointless and not who I am, and it's certainly not who i want to be.

Life is unpredictable, and the more one does the more of a roller coaster it can be. I've CHOSEN to live in a fast moving and dynamic world. I follow desire, crave excitement, and seek adventure. In doing so, I've relinquished the possibility to be normal and consistent. And while this is frustrating and isolating at times, I can't deny that that world I have built for myself is interesting.

I could focus on the negatives: not feeling fulfilled, being far away from home, feeling isolated from my family and loved ones, missing my boyfriend. or I could look at my life and see what everyone else sees: I am healthy; I have a solid job, that pays well, gives me independence and authority, and provides me with exceptional opportunities that i would most likely not be able to have elsewhere; I have collected friends from countries all over the world, with unique perspectives and fascinating approaches who i am constantly learning from and truly cherish; I've worked in some of the most electric cities in the world giving me a unique perspective and an edge in life; I never run out of things to to talk about; My family is a blessing; I adore and am inspired by my boyfriend who effortlessly compels me to be a better person while lighting up my world; I travel constantly and I'm thrown new opportunities regularly.

So i apologize to everyone who has been subjected to the dejected version of myself in the past six weeks or so. I know it happens and we can't be "on" all the time but still, I am ashamed of myself really for getting that way...and am really looking forward to having my spark back.

When Your Run's Over Just Admit That It's At It's End

2011-08-23T10:30:00.002+07:00

When I applied to law school, my father, who is a lawyer, sat me down and asked me why I did it. I didn’t have an answer. I guess I did it because I am smart, knew I could get in and do well, and like education, I certainly didn’t do it because I wanted to be a lawyer. Upon hearing this, he urged me to reconsider my decision. “I will,” he said, “Support you in any decision that you make. But I would prefer it if I knew you were doing something that made you happy. I don’t care what you do, you can become a lawyer, a politician, a truck driver, an interpretive dancer, a dog walker, any career you chose will be noble and you'll be a success. The only thing I ask of you is that you find your passion. That you do something you love, and you maintain your integrity and kindness whilst doing it.”

Six years later, they haven’t changed their stance. My parents are fully committed to support me, so long as I remain a good person and am happy. I’ve switched jobs and moved and made mistakes but they’ve simply told me that this is a part of life, that sometimes we need to know what we don’t want to find out what we do, that the little picture will make up the big picture. That nothing is wrong if I’ve learned from it. The gratitude I feel for them can not be properly defined in words, they have let me discover who I am and what I want for myself, never imposing their beliefs but always being there if I need them.

Keeping up my end of the bargain has proven more difficult than I initially imagined. Maintaining my integrity has been easy, it’s the being happy thing that hasn’t. I am a difficult person at times. I am, for the most part, the ultimate idealist, yet I’m also difficult to win over. I tend to compartmentalize my life, keeping things organized and controlled, making sure that nothing or nobody can get too close.

I’ve realized that my main problem in life is my emotional connection to things, whether it be a job, a city, a friendship, or a boyfriend. Initially, I am reticent by all accounts, I take my time to warm up to things. I won’t allow myself to connect. I observe. I wait…and then I dive in. There is no middle ground for me, it’s all or nothing. I embrace, and commit to the highest degree. I go from zero to 100 in the blink of an eye and this seriously hinders my ability to be happy. Because it's impossible to keep up and I always end up disappointed.

Oh, I’m happy for a certain period of time. It’s easy for things to be perfect and wonderful at the inception, but my issue is that my idealism gets in the way of reality. That nothing is actually perfect, that just because I’ve deemed something worthy of exploring doesn’t mean that it’s going to make me incessantly happy. That there are ups and downs, that there is a reason people ease into things. Jumping in the deep end won’t teach you how to swim. My inability to wade into the situation means that when i fall, I fall hard.

Another problem is my unfailing loyalty. Once I have committed to something, it’s almost impossible for me to walk away from it, despite if it’s no longer making me happy. It’s a struggle I’ve faced quite often since that talk with my father, because I don’t know what to do once I stop being happy. I feel like I’ve failed, the persistent soul in me wants to fix things, wants to make it work, wants to prove it wasn’t all in vain but in the back of my mind I remember promising myself that once something stopped working, that once it started making me more sad than happy that I’d walk way. That life is too short for anything else.

It’s easier said than done. I knew I had to leave NYC and while I did eventually, there were many instances that I almost pulled the plug. I have dated people for months, YEARS too long because despite being unhappy and knowing it was wrong, I didn’t want to look all of that effort in the fact and throw it away.

I am at a crossroads now because I am watching the life I have built for myself crumble all around me. I am questioning every decision I’ve made in the past six months, and having difficulty accepting that some of them have turned out to be mistakes. It has become blatantly apparent that I am no longer happy with pretty much EVERYTHING about my current situation (even the things that used to bring be joy) yet I feel like a failure quitting or moving on. I think it makes me weak. I hate being weak and I hate being wrong. But what I’d hate even more is feeling like I am wasting my life or energy on things that no longer are right for me.

I know I sound like a spoiled, pathetic brat who is slightly unhinged. Perhaps, these days, I am. But I also blame the extremity of my emotions to the fact I feel completely isolated and alone here, that I have an inability to open up and express myself, that I am not sleeping at night and that my heart is broken.

If anything, maybe this post will help people feel better about their own lives because at least they aren’t as pathetic as mine. ;)

I’ll pick myself up, I’ll move on, and I’ll rebound on to the next thing like I always do.

A Passing Feeling

2011-08-07T21:58:00.005+07:00

I am going through the motions. It's a feeling I am familiar with, one that is utterly dangerous for me and my current existence. It evokes a sense of panic in me, this notion of stagnancy. As soon as it hits I wildly plan my escape. Nothing is safe.

It began about a month before my holiday to London, which, by the way, was incredible. I've always been in love with London and unwavering sense that it's where I belong. Some of my happiest memories in my life have taken place there. I don't really know how to put it into words really, about why I need the city, about why I can't live without it, or why I am alive there in a way there that I am nowhere else. It is the only place that I have been 100% truly happy. I have always related more to my British heritage. All I know is, all of my life, it's as if everything makes sense when I am there.

The city itself offers everything that I can get in NYC; a fast paced dynamic environment, culture at my fingertips, excitement, exorbitant prices (hehe) but it also offers a few things that NYC doesn't...a deep rooted sense of contentment and belonging that comes with years invested there and, of course, my family. I guess those two go hand in hand. In London, I have the best of both worlds...the city and everything it has to offer and the comfort and security of family. I realized how much I miss the little things, things like popping round for tea with people who have known me my whole life, who understand me, who I can just BE with. Something I couldn't get in NYC despite being surrounded by friends I'd known for a decade or so. London has been a part of my life since my first trip there at the age of two months, and my relationships there are beautiful, genuine, and effortless. It is the only place in the world that I could never give up, that I will never walk away from.

I am good at that, walking away. I've always said that I'm not, but the more I examine my life the more I realize that I might be (initially) reticent to dive into new waters but once I'm in, I never look back. That my entire existence is temporary. No matter how attached I seem to anything I have a remarkable ability to not only leave it behind and move on at a lightening pace.

Not for the the first time I seriously look within and worry that something is deeply wrong with me. I become so enamored with the RIGHT NOW and throw myself in it until it stops becoming fun, until I've gotten everything I can from it and then one day the glitter wears off and all I can think of is what the next thing is. What will captivate and fulfill me. I am struck by the irony that despite being a loyal and dedicated individual there seems to be an underlying sense of lacking the ability to truly commit to anything, mainly myself. I've often felt like I keep chasing the impossible.

Until recently.

Being in London changed things for me. As I said, when I am there, things suddenly make sense, and this time was no different. I was struck with bolt of clarity about what it is I want and what I need to do to get it. My life plan is no longer a tangled mess but has a straight path. How long it'll be until I start down that path is another story, but I've started carving it out.

In all honesty, I have known that I'll end up in London. I've spoken about it my whole life, and unlike every other life plan of mine, this one hasn't changed. No matter what I've done or where I've lived, London was always in the back of mind, and it wasn't a question of if but when. To an extent, I have always resisted living there for more than a few months at a time because I knew once I set up a life there that I'd probably never leave. I knew that I had a nomadic restless element in me that I needed to get out of my system. I needed to explore and DO THINGS. I wasn't ready for any kind of permanence in my life, the kind of permanence that London will bring. Perhaps I'm still not, I may have a few years left of wandering about and exploring before I board that one way flight to Heathrow. However, what I do have now is a sense of knowing what I want. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, or perhaps I never quite realized the value of family before, I don't know. All I know is that I finally know what I want, where I belong, and what I can't live without...

(even if it takes me another several months or years to get there)

Love Remains the Same

2011-07-28T15:40:00.004+07:00

I find myself talking about my parents a lot on this blog, which I hope they don't mind, They most likely don't, because they don't read this blog. Something about "respecting my privacy and life." They've never snooped into my life or spied, they've always figured if I wanted them to know something, I'd tell them.

Today is their 34th wedding anniversary. 34 years. In this day and age that is almost unheard of, yet they've managed to do it, and managed to do it well. Aside from being wonderful parents to both me and my brother (obviously, look how well we've turned out!) they have been wonderful human beings to each other and have taught me life lessons without even realizing that they've done it.

I am, as we all know, an idealist and hopeless romantic when it comes to love. I believe that we CAN have it all; I've walked away from seemingly perfect men and relationships not because they weren't great, but because they were lacking something. Something I couldn't quite place but enough to feel like a piece was missing. I once spent a significant amount of time trying to tell myself I was being crazy, that "we can't have it all" that "you have to sacrifice somewhere" that I should be "happy with what I have"...and it probably would've worked too, if it hadn't been for my parents.

My parents are still very much in love. My dad comments about how beautiful my mother is and they're openly affectionate, which results in me feeling a combination of grossed out and swooning over the cuteness of it. They have never sat me down and talked to me about guys, and what I should want or look for, or who to date or not date. Instead they did something much more powerful, they showed by example.

They are both strong willed, highly intelligent and passionate people who feel strongly about many things. Some of the time, their opinions clash, but I have never seen a disagreement where they've shown any kind of disrespect towards the other. They understand each other, and there is a high level of mutual respect and admiration. When it comes to all of the big decisions, they always had a united front, even in the smaller things they always supported each other. They supported each other against everything and everyone. They are a team...and you can't join.

Another thing I really respect is the fact that as much as they love being together, they are comfortable and confident when apart. Both my parents travel a lot, sometimes together, sometimes not. There have been times where they've been separated for a month, and of course they miss each other, but their worlds didn't come crashing down around them. They survived, probably even thrived. It gave me the realization that you can find the person you're supposed to be with but at the same time, you can keep your sense of self, your identity and independence.

They were pretty young when they got married, and faced opposition on both sides (for being so young and also for being from different continents, and a year of long distance) yet when I asked them about it, they said they had no doubts. In fact, they both said it was one of the most obvious and easy decisions they made. they just KNEW. I guess they were right. Maybe it's worked out so well because underneath any differences of opinion, they fundamentally have the same approach to life and the same values. They know who they are and what they want, and most importantly, they value it.

They have been a marvelous example for me, and seeing them has kept the faith alive for me that it's possible to have it all, to find someone who it just makes sense with, that you just KNOW, that there are no doubts. I have often said, and will continue to say, I will not be able to settle for anything less than what they have. How could I?

In case you're reading this, happy anniversary.

But I Keep Running From Something I Never Wanted So Bad(ly)

2011-06-27T11:53:00.004+07:00

Sometimes when discussing my move to Hanoi with people they ask me what I was running from. As though that is the only explicable reason I would move here and start a new life.

I always maintain the same story, that I was living and working in NYC, that I felt uninspired at my job, I had an itch to do something different and that i didn't want to wake up in thirty years regretting that I'd fallen into a mundane routine. That I hadn't lived. I come from a family of intellectuals, explorers, who have an insatiable curiosity for knowledge, travel and cultures. My parents and closest relatives have never once questioned my decision, in fact they encouraged it.

Recently, I was put in a situation where I actually revisited my stance on why I moved out here. My reasoning of wanting something different has not been revoked but it's been coupled with something new, something that perhaps I had the inability to admit to myself: That I was running.

I was running from everything I had built for myself because despite years of imagining this life, and despite seemingly outward appearances of perfection, it wasn't what i wanted. I think that one of the scariest things in the world is getting what you think you want, only to discover it's not what you wanted. Because where do you go from there? In my case, it was Hanoi.

I am not saying my move was based entirely on running, I have always been adventurous, wanting to do new things and obsessed with traveling. But I realize now, that a subconscious part of me, was so adamant to do it because I needed to escape and rediscover what it is that I actually want.

Getting away from it all has proved to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have learned to be independent and confident in who I am. I have learned that there is no right path. I have learned that I can do (almost) anything.

But I have also learned that i have no idea what I want. And this freaks me out. I have maintained my restless spirit, one that makes me look around and want to check out the other options. One that is never satisfied with what I have. i always want more, the next thing.

I find this increasingly worrying, that nothing is never good enough. That I seem incapable of settling down and being content. In theory, I love the idea of being married with children, living in a city and filling my days with routine. That is what i have always wanted in the long run. But in reality, I seem completely incapable of getting anywhere near there. I get bored too easily, I can't seem to stay in one place for more than a few years. The second I feel comfortable, i attribute it with boredom and call it "going through the motions." I then plan my next move. I haven't found anything or anyone to change that.

I have been telling myself for the past few years that it's because I haven't found my true passion, that I haven't found the right person, or the right place to plant myself, and perhaps this is acceptable... but my concern is will i ever? Or am I destined to wander this planet endlessly constantly searching for something better? More bluntly, is there something wrong with ME? I say i want all of these things but am repelled by the reality of them.

Lately, I have begun to ponder if I am living in Southeast Asia because of all of the "opportunities" it presents or as a shield from reality. It's letting me pretend without looking like a freak or failure. I don't want to live here forever so it's natural that I'd move around.

Somehow, I am getting a pass for being here, one that is very nice to have but that is causing me a bit of anxiety.

Happy Working Song

2011-06-18T12:23:00.003+07:00

I am becoming increasingly concerned with the fact that I do not seem able to leave Hanoi.

I have pushed back my moving date four times now. Four. In eighteen months. The other day, I was thinking and realized that I am not sure I'd be able to adjust back to life in the western world.

In theory, I should be able to, and I want to. I love it here but I miss my life back home. I miss the stability and the long term future that it offers. I simply, despite how much I am enjoying myself, can not see myself living here in the long term. (however, saying that I don't think I can leave either)

I don't know what makes life here so different, because for all intensive purposes things are the same as they'd be anywhere: I have a corporate job that steals my time and leaves me stressed and exhausted, I pretend to be dedicated to the gym, I have great friends, and go to dinner, have a cat etc. Yet something is different. it's not the work ethic because I'm working as hard as I ever have, and it's not really the lifestyle because, as I said, it's the same game just with different players.

I think, what it is, is that the grind is there but it's different. That when I work hard here it feels like it's actually beneficial to me and my career. When I was working in NYC, I lost the zest I used to have because I realized that no matter what i did, things would be the same. If I put in 55 hours a week, i'd get the same compensation and recognition as I would if I put in 35. I wasn't given any kind of validation when I did something right but was torn apart when I made the slightest glitch. I don't want to start bashing anyone or anything because that's not the point of this blog. It was tough though, to feel like I was racing, racing, racing towards nothing. Once I got to the place I was running to, nothing happened. I felt like my voice was getting lost, that i was drowning and I stopped fighting back. I looked at my superiors at work and didn't feel inspired to be like them, instead the prospect of their future looked dismal to me.

Here, it's different. I work hard, yes. I'm tired, yes. My friends say they're worried about me, yes. But I feel like it's for a reason. The opportunities here are limitless...I'm not pushed aside because I'm 27 and blond and a girl. I don't have to thrash my way through a sea of corporate mumbo jumbo bs to be heard and listened to. People believe in me, accept what i say, and as a result it's bolstered my confidence and opened my aspirations to a whole new horizon. If I put in the time and effort and push myself then I will be successful. The race doesn't have a set finish line...I can keep going for as long as I want.

Here I am given the tools, resources, and power to be my own person professionally. To grow and expand. To make decisions. To be innovative. To lead, both others and also myself into success. I am given opportunities that I wouldn't have back in New York or London without years of mundane paper pushing, air kissing and backstabbing. I'm not saying I want to cut corners or that i'm not willing to put in the work, but I do think it will be extremely difficult for me to go back to that world now that I've lived in this one.

Don't Stand So Close to Me

2011-05-28T09:29:00.007+07:00

How many times have you waited in line, in a hurry, stressed out, and just wanted to run to the front and get whatever it is done? Turns out, you can. Just move to Vietnam.

I think it's pretty safe to say that once you've hit the six month mark in Hanoi, things change. You stop being amazed and shocked by things on the street, by helmetless infants or a steel cage of chickens strapped onto the back of a motorbike. When you find a hair in your food, you don't send it back, you simply pick it out. Or when someone vomits on your food after a train or bus ride, you just quickly scan your brain to see if you have time to change your pants before you go to work or if you'll just have to scrub it off.

There are some things, that while I've accepted as part of the culture, still make me say, "WHAT? SERIOUSLY?" One of them is waiting in line, or the inability to do so, and pushing.

Due to bring completely broke(I am living off of my parents until I get paid and borrowed from friends for rent) I am taking the public bus to work. I have a motorbike but it's broken and I can't afford the $15 to fix it so I've been taking the 32 each morning and walking back. It's not bad, I actually find it kind of relaxing (call me crazy) haha but the point is foreigners don't usually take the bus here. So each day, I am a bit of a novelty, getting stared at. This I am completely used to however I find the the bus situation comical...no one quite knows what to do with me. Sometimes I get tapped on the shoulder and ushered to an empty seat as though I am pregnant or elderly. Sometimes I get the person wanting to practice English, but one thing that always happens is pushing.

While I have a lot of respect for the mentality of having a goal and going for what you want, I am not sure it necessary to physically knock someone down to do it. During my travels in Southeast Asia (excluding Singapore) I've found that the concept of waiting in line is not even a concept, it doesn't happen. Instead, whatever target is being sought out, it is done in a full on way. People behind you will PUSH you aboard the bus. To be fair...the bus doesn't even stop. It slows down to a rolling pace and you have to kind of jog and jump. Handicap? Forget it. And it is a daily occurrence for me to be shoved or or pushed aside clearly indicating that I was in someones way. This actually doesn't really faze me. While, at first, I found it a bit of an adjustment, it never made me angry or shocked. Just different.

When it gets interesting for me though is while traveling. On a plane, instead of disembarking by row....it's a free for all. The lady in 24c will push her way through the tiny crowd to get off. It never gets old actually. And rather than get annoyed I find it fascinating. The logic or, lack there of, of pushing through a crowd of people in a narrow alley rather than just wait for the people in front to move. You know they will, it's just a matter of a few minutes more.

Another thing is like the bank, buying tickets at the train station or anywhere where one would typically wait their turn. I tried when I first moved here to do that. Especially since some places have a "take your ticket" feature. I realized that is purely for show. Or for the benefit or tourists. Because it again is a free for all. The only waiy to get served is to cut. You must run up to the counter as soon as it's become free. Or just stand there, staking out.It reminds me of a more cutthroat intense version of getting a prime table at Hillside, a cafe at my university which was the seen and be seen lunchtime hotspot.

The only time I get annoyed is at the grocery store, when I am in line and someone pushes me aside and cuts in front of me. I am still not clear as to whether this happens to everyone, or whether it is just because I am a foreigner and it's assumed (correctly) that I won't fight back. I, unfortunately, believe it's the latter. I have decided that next time it happens I am going to make a mini scene and regain my rightful place in line. I've said this for the past year and a half, and haven't done it yet. But the more time I spend here, the more I believe I can.

An amusing game I like to play in my head is imagining what the reaction would be if someone of these things occurred in New York or London. If while standing in line at the post office, i just cut in front of everyone and threw my mail on the counter. Or if I deemed the man in front of me had a lot more groceries than i did so i just stepped in front of him and plopped mine down. It's so tempting. Can you imagine the OUTRAGE that the people around you would express? It's so comical to think about that I'm considering doing it just for laughs next time I visit home. It will be my social experiment...I can't wait. I'll commence when I touch down at JFK...charging my way through the sea of people trying to retrieve their overhead luggage and continue until I get beaten up or arrested for public disturbance. (ok not really, but we all know that would be the result of such antics)

Guess I'll just get it out of my system here...

Til Summer Comes Around

2011-05-27T09:02:00.006+07:00

The office at my old job was not a fun place to be in the winter. There was no heating, at all. Not even space heaters, and as a result, I came into work each day in some kind of ridiculous attire. I was dressed for the ski slopes, but instead of resembling a mildly attractive ski bunny, I was more of a mismatched marshmallow. I digress.

The point is, it was cold, and as I sat shivering in front of my computer I vowed that once summer came around, I wouldn't complain about the heat. That when my arms were soaked with sweat within minutes of stepping outside, I'd take it in stride. I'll do my best to honor that, no one likes a hypocrite. Especially as, in most cases, I prefer the summer to the winter. I like the warmth. My mood is brighter when it's sunny outside, I feel better when I have a sunkissed glow.

However, there are certain things one must know about summertime in Hanoi.
1. From June to September there is very little chance of being attractive. Unless you are one of those people unaffected by seasons and look perfect all the time. Like my friend Clare. I can't stand people like that (jealousy) and this post is not for you. For everyone else, you're going to be disgusting. You will be dripping in sweat within two minutes of stepping outside your door, your feet will be filthy despite how many times you wash them. If you're a woman, there is no such thing as a good hair day. Just stop trying now. As for makeup? It will probably melt off of your face. Time to embrace your natural beauty or at least be consoled by the fact that everybody else (except for the "Clare's" of the world) is just as ugly as you are. ;)
2. Hanoi has blackouts in the summer. Make sure you have candles, lots of water on hand, a place where you keep your keys (so you don't have to dig around for them), and a spot that you can escape to, preferably one nearby that has a generator.
3. Pools are your friend. But they're also grossly overcrowded. If you want to do laps, the worst time (in terms of volume of people) is the early morning and evening. If you're like me and you just like lounging poolside, to get a good spot (or a spot at all) 12 is the latest you can arrive.
4. You'd amazed at how baby wipes have changed my life. You can buy little travel packs and believe me when it's hot out they feel amazing.
5. Drink sugarcane juice. Only because it's amazing. I have only just discovered this heavenly concoction...and I am convinced it has magical powers. It's the perfect combination or sweet and earthy. It's all natural, tastes delicious, and is the perfect pick me up. Tired? Grumpy? Bored? Hungover? One sip of sugarcane juice and you're revived. I am obsessed.
6. Don't do what I do. (Which is be stupidly unprepared for the summer rain) I grew up in a place where rain storms were ever present and intense. Did I own a rain coat? No. In university, when the snow and rain fell did I have proper protection. Negative. So in Hanoi, where mini typhoons appear out of nowhere and persist for hours at a time, have I the right tools to keep my dry and warm? of course not. But I am an idiot, and a lesson of what NOT to do. Buy a rain coat and keep it close to you at all times. The rain will fall, it will come from nowhere and you will end up trapped or soaked if you don't have a slicker.
7. Wear sunblock. This should be obvious and applies to anywhere not just Hanoi. Being tan is nice, it makes you look healthy and pretty. I get it, I am a complete worshiper. In fact it's hard to imagine that I was born with porcelain English rose skin. But I was, however by the age of 20 had destroyed it, altered the pigmentation by basking in the sun to striving to be a bronzed goddess. I regret it deeply now, not only did I not receive goddess stature BUT I am covered in sunspots and at the age of 27 have wrinkles around my eyes and some on my forehead that won't go away. My skin also looks weird when I am pale, I can never go back. So wear sunblock, especially in Hanoi, as the sun is really strong and you can get burned just by driving to work or walking around town.

Despite the blistering heat, the smothering humidity and the realization that I can't enhance my looks by any outside source, I do love the summer in Hanoi. The fruit is delicious, the pace is a little bit slower, everyone seems happier. There are fun events like pool parties, electronic picnics, barbeques, music festivals. Everyone is excited to shed the winter and take on the summer heat...their faces shining (with perspiration)

There are Few Things Pure in the World and Home is One of the Few

2011-05-22T10:46:00.003+07:00

When people ask me where I'm from I always say, 'I grew up in Florida, but haven't lived there for 10 years." This is true, I left Florida for university in Boston and from Boston I went to New York and from New York to Hanoi. I also spent a considerable amount of time in London and France, enough so that I'd consider them places I used to live. However whenever I've had to fill out a form asking for my "permanent address" it as my house in Florida. That was the one constant in my life. The place I always go back to. Despite not being a resident of the state since the age of 18, this is where I consider home. The place I grew up.

I'd never really imagined life without my childhood house a part of it. I didn't, obviously, believe that I'd live there forever, and I never had any intention to return to the state of Florida for anything other than a holiday. Yet, when I saw the "for sale" sign in my driveway I felt territorial and sad. The adult side of me understands my parents decision, the house is simply too big for the two of them, they want to spend more time in my mother's native Europe and don't need the space. The child in me can't believe that they're doing this to me. They're taking away the one form of stability in my residences. In NYC I lived in three apartments in my three and half years, and they were never mine, always shared and while I've been in the same place in Hanoi for over a year, I know that my time here is not forever, that I'll leave, making this whole residency and lifestyle temporary.

I guess I never realized the significance of my childhood home. I took for granted the fact that I always had it to go back to. My parents are getting a new place minutes away from the old one but I keep telling them i hate it and that it's not the same. I will feel like a visitor, not like I belong. The new place won't have the memories, it won't hold the same prestige of being THE place that all of my friends went to all the time, our social lives revolving around parties in my guest house, the new place won't have a path through the bushes to the next door neighbors house trodden down from years of back and forths (my best friend lives next door) "but now I'm going to have to walk or ride a bike to Alison's" I whined to my mother who replied that Alison, about to enter her third year of law school was barely home anyway. It was the principle that bothered me. the fact that I am never going to be able to do those things again.

I've often written about expatriate lifestyle and the transiency that it entails. When I first moved here, I had major de-attachment issues, every goodbye resulted in my feeling sad and crying. As time as gone on, it's become second nature, people come and go, it's par for the course and it barely even registers anymore. It doesn't bother me anymore, because it's the way it is here. So why does saying goodbye to the house bother me so much? Maybe because while I've accepted that life here is always changing, in my mind, Florida was the same. it was always supposed to be the same and the fact that it's not makes me feel a little bit more lost in this world, that I really don't belong anywhere or have somewhere consistent to go. That I no longer have a real home. As ridiculous and illogical as it sounds, I am devastated by this loss in my personal history.

LittleTown

2011-04-24T14:35:00.002+07:00

I was driving to dinner last week, past the Mausoleum and got to the large roundabout and my bike puttered out. Died. Right in front of all these government buildings with no repair or garage in sight. Just me and security guards. I called my dinner companion to say I'd be late and they immediately offered to come find me. Then my phone died. so I was stuck, phoneless, bikeless and not knowing if I'd be able to connect with my friend. To make matters worse the security guards kept shouting at me that I had to move. I refused on the grounds that I was stuck and waiting for someone. Something I couldn't accurately communicate. This went on for about half an hour.I sat on the sidewalk dejected and feeling sorry for myself until I heard, "Hey...Alice? Bad night?" It was a new friend, someone I'd only recently met, on his way home from a barbecue and who just happened to stumble upon me. That's the beauty of Hanoi, you can't go somewhere without seeing someone you know. And the people you know are generally kind and helpful and genuine. This guy not only sat with me until my other friend came but took it upon himself to flag down a Vietnamese motorbike repair man and had my bike fixed on the spot. Despite not knowing me well, or having no obligation at all, he stayed for the additional half an hour/forty-five minutes that this took. Because he's a nice guy. Because that's how people are here.

I have often compared to expat life in Hanoi to being at university. The expat community is small, if you don't know someone, it's almost guaranteed that someone you know does. You can't get away with much here, any scandal and gossip will make its way through the community at lightening speed. I have a theory about this...we are transplants, we all have in common that we are expats. We are forced, to a certain degree to be integrated in each others lives. Because most expats I know don't speak good Vietnamese, we are relegated to associate with other expats or English speaking Vietnamese, so our network has little room for expansion. There is little to do other than go to work, engage in the occasional hobby and meet with friends and talk. About each other.

I went to the kind of university that thrived on gossip. Despite boasting approximately 9,000 undergraduates (and a few thousand in grad school) somehow everyone knew everyone's business and the rumor mill was rampant, sometimes accurate and sometimes not. My friends and I were sometimes the topic of conversation and part of me considered it to be a compliment (if you're spoken about you're relevant) but also was sick and tired of having to defend untrue allegations. I found the mentality ridiculous and was excited when I moved to NYC to escape all of that, to a degree. (It turns out NYC is not as big as you think, the circles are close knit and small. But the difference is, while people will talk, they care a lot less. They move on and don't dwell.)

Despite my penchant for blogging and tweeting, I do have a weirdly penetralian side. I appear open but I do hold some cards close to my chest. I let people know what I want them to know but I like to keep certain things to myself, to guard my privacy. I don't want the spotlight focused on my life. I like to be social, and knowing people, I just find it unnecessary to be the subject of gossip and speculation. Hanoi is a difficult city to maintain this and at times I am frustrated that I can't seem to do anything without everyone knowing about it.

Then there are the times, like last week, where I am reminded of why I am eternally grateful for the small town that this major city is.

Walks, Looks and Drives Like An Ace

2011-03-11T15:27:00.007+07:00

Driving in Hanoi is a constant adventure. It’s a test of coordination, navigation and quick reflexes. Things that I generally lack but seem to oddly possess when it comes to driving. Perhaps because if I didn’t I’d be in the hospital or mangled on a daily basis.

Ironically, I had planned to write a post about the perils of driving and the day I planned to do so I get into an accident. (I’ll discuss my crash a bit later.) This keeps happening to me, maybe a sign from some higher power to STOP planning my blogs but just write them on a whim.

While the roads themselves are a picture of utter chaos, there does seem to be some kind of sense to it all. Yes, there are always motorbikes whizzing past you but the drivers seem to be in control. When I am walking, I rarely try and navigate myself around the traffic but tend to walk right through it, confident that it’ll bypass my body. I’m usually correct.

There are some glaring issues with the traffic here, mainly being that there aren’t many rules that are upheld. One way roads are simply a suggestion, sidewalks serve as an extra lane if traffic becomes too congested, red lights are actually just stop signs, and honking is more of an identification rather than a warning.

I must admit that I partake in breaking these rules; I have begun driving on the sidewalk when I didn’t want to sit in traffic, I don’t take the long way around if I can just drive directly the wrong way to my destination.

I don’t have an issue with these things because I truly believe most people riding motorbikes have a sense of what they’re doing. My issue is with the cab drivers and the buses. Who are, in my experience, among the worst drivers I have ever seen in my life. Period.

The buses have little to no regard to anyone around them. They seem to operate with a Goliath mentality, they can beat you so get out of their way. They don’t slow if they see a pedestrian or a motorbike in front of them. At a red light they don’t mind squeezing a parallel biker off the road to a scary degree. I’ve witnessed and been privy to a bus hitting someone and carrying on as if it’s the injured fault. They should’ve moved faster. I am genuinely frightened of buses simply on account of their lack of regard to anyone or thing around them.

Taxis are another story. They know what’s going on around them, but they still seem to be completely inept at allowing traffic to flow around them. They’ll run you off the road, and at red lights (when most motorbikes zip through the cars to inch to the front spaces) will block access. This doesn’t make sense to me, if there is a massive space for motorbikes in front, why block access to it? It doesn’t allow them to proceed to their destination any more quickly, it just seems to lack common logic. Instead of allowing more people access they’d rather “prove” to their passenger that they’re ready to go by moving a few inches, thereby denying anyone else the opportunity to move. I was stuck at a light for five minutes as a direct result of this. If only the cab had given me a tiny space I would’ve been able to go right through, but no, they didn’t, so I had to wait for two sets of red and green to finally make my turn. AGGRAVATING.

I’m a pretty good driver, if I do say so myself. I can drive in stilettos, carry 200 pound men and zip in and out like the best of them. Most of the time anyway.

Today was one of those days that reminded me, once again, that I am not invincible, and no matter how adept I think I am becoming at driving a motorbike in Hanoi, that it’s still a learned skill, by no means second nature.

On my way to work, I was driving down a one way road and out of nowhere someone comes from a side alley speeding in the wrong direction. Shocking, I know. Normally I’d be fine with this, but due to the rain, it was slippery and I hit the hand brake and skidded, and went down. Partially my fault, I should have mastered the foot brake but still stupidly use the handbrake 98% of the time.

I’m not hurt, really. Only my left side is damaged. Bleeding and cut/scraped up and my pants are torn. My only pair of leggings. I’m trying to mollify myself by saying it’ll make me look rock and roll but the truth is it actually makes me look trashy. Leggings with holes = not cool.

I did however appreciate the men who rushed to my aid. Picking me and my bike up, stopping traffic as I got back on, and making sure (using charades) that I was ok. I was fine, shaken up and the rest of my drive to work was a daze but no permanent damage, aside from that to my ego. Now, I’m in a degree of uncomfortable pain. Not unbearable but just annoying. Like I just got stitches or something. Also my wrist from a previous injury is now resurfacing. I can tell I’ll be really sore tomorrow.

I had been so good. When I first started driving (Jan 2010) I had a bad record, an incident a month until July, which was my first clean month. After July I was in control and golden (apart from the time I was mugged and pulled off my bike to the ground but I don’t really count that since it was extenuating circumstances and not in the least bit my fault/in my control) and now this. TARNISHING my almost year long streak. Typical.

I’m just bothered by the fact that I can’t seem to stay uninjured in this country. I always have some kind of affliction, and as soon as I start to heal another one crops up. My trips back to the US serve not only as visitations but also recuperation.

While driving here can be painful and exasperating, for the most part I love it. The motorbike experience is one of the things I adore the most about living in Hanoi. I love the feeling of being on the bike, the freedom it offers me, and the sense of accomplishment I feel when I drive somewhere successfully without incident. And it makes me look so damn cool.

You Paint Me a Blue Sky and Go Back And Turn It To Rain

2011-03-09T17:44:00.009+07:00

I have a bad habit of forming completely incorrect first impressions regarding the men I am interested in. I’d venture 75% of the time I am off base at first. The men I think are players and to be wary of turn out to be kind, loving and loyal while the nice, harmless guys are the snakes who leave me wounded.

Most of my bad luck as arisen since my arrival in Hanoi. I think it’s because the men here are just worse than anywhere else in the world that I’ve seen. There is no right way to say this, no way that it going to keep me from scrutiny or from receiving comments about being bitter. I don’t care, I’m going to say it anyway. There are very few eligible men in Hanoi. Hanoi (and maybe other places in SE Asia) changes people relationship-wise, often times for the worst.

Classic Hanoi Man Syndrome (CHMS). Here's how it happens: Ordinary/average/uncool unattractive men move to Hanoi. Experience a rush of attention from gorgeous, intelligent Vietnamese and foreign women. Believe the hype. Become miscreants. Treat women as if they are expendable. Experience no repercussions. Repeat process. Then go back to their country. Think the same rules apply. Reality hits hard.

I have seen men arrive here being wonderful and idealistic and then getting caught up and turning into a complete slimeball. One they have success with one hot girl they turn into a monster. Yet that has little to no effect on their “pulling” capability. They can be as terrible as they want and still have women crawling all over them.

I don’t think this makes me a bitter expat. I’d feel the exact same way if I noticed a man (or woman) behaving that way in NYC. Shabby treatment of people is inexcusable regardless of how “wonderful” or “attractive” you are led to believe you are. In fact, the more blessed you are, the kinder you should be to others. (Example: I know a man, who is breathtakingly gorgeous. People have been known to actually drop their jaw and lose their train of thought when meeting him for the first time. This man, however, is charming, humble, considerate, and COULDN’T be any nicer. Seriously, he’s so nice it can actually be annoying. If HE can behave like a stellar human being, so can everyone else)

While the men have it golden, the women who come here find themselves having to lower their standards if they want any chance at a romantic life. They find themselves getting involved with guys they’d never normally look at and putting up with situations they are much too good for simply because they have to. Because that’s the way it is here.

I don’t date out here. Not really anyway. I had one involvement(yes we all know about that) and after that I stopped. I have claimed it’s to get over him but it’s really because there is no one I’ve met here that I’d consider. Unlike so many women I’ve seen here, I am not going to lower my standards for a little bit of romantic attention. I’m perfectly content with my friends, hobbies, job, and Skype dates. I've relished in taking this time to be “single”

Note----
*I am only generalizing. I by no means think every Hanoi expat male is like this. It’s just some casual observations shared among others. I think there are a lot of amazing men out here, and am friends with many of them.

Lent

2011-03-09T16:08:00.000+07:00

Despite my modern lifestyle, many are surprised to discover that deep down I am, in fact, quite traditional. It displays itself in small ways; when I write a thank you note (or letter), my desire that a man I date isn’t lazy in his courtship, my strong sense of family, and of course the traditions. Like religion.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m at church every week. Or that I agree with everything the church stands for. I am, by admission, a cafeteria Catholic, which will make me subject to remarks, I am sure, that I have no right to consider myself a part of the faith

However, I was raised in the Catholic Church, my entire family on both sides, is Catholic and always has been. While I may not show up to mass every week, and disagree with some of the politics of the church I find that I am pretty passionate about a few things regarding the church…and one of them in Lent.

Maybe it’s because Easter is my favorite holiday, or maybe it’s because the whole concept of suffering and sacrifice goes from a notion to something we can actually put into practice. It’s difficult for me to use my imagine and think about what it was like to suffer, it doesn’t resonate as much as saying “Ok for 46 days I am not going to do X” (I say 46 because unlike many people I don’t allow Sunday to be a “day of rest”)
I also don’t think it should just be a time of sacrifice but also deliverance. I try and take this time to be a better person, to be kinder, to do something nice every day.

Whatever it is, Lent is something I take seriously. I go to mass. I ACTUALLY give things up and stick to it. I don’t eat meat on Friday. I fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. I take it seriously.

So what am I giving up this year?
1. Chocolate. This will be excruciating for me. I tried giving up chocolate for a week once and got the shakes. But I need to push myself. It’s the only thing in my life that is really a sacrifice to abstain from.
2. Alcohol. This is kind of a fake one. I don’t really like drinking much anyway. Yet somehow get pressured into engaging in it when I’m out. Now I have an excuse to not partake. I’m ecstatic
3. A decidedly pointless and unhealthy relationship that I’ve been engaging in for entirely too long. It was fun at first, and there was reason for it. Now it’s just routine maintenance on account of boredom and distraction. Relationships should mean something, and upheld for a purpose. This is a “clearing my head” break. Can reevaluate in 46 days.
4. My bad habit of smoking when drunk or bored. I don’t like it, or enjoy it or need it. So I’m going to stop it. Simple.

I think we are so saturated with messages that we can do what we want, whenever we want that taking some time to “deprive” ourselves can only serve as an important lesson. This culture that we live in cultivates a sense of entitlement, and instant gratification. We (or at least I) often forget how lucky I am, and don’t take the time to appreciate life’s little blessings (like chocolate)

Going without is never easy, but I hope that doing so will allow my a better perspective of what thousands of people endure daily and also bring me a better sense of the meaning of Lent/Easter allowing me to appreciate the “haves” when I am allowed to indulge again.

Splish Splash: The Benefits of Eating Alone

2011-03-07T14:44:00.003+07:00

As I was walking solo to lunch, I began plotting a blog post about the joys of eating alone. How in the US it's not something I would feel comfortable with but that in Vietnam it's common place. That here, I don't feel like a loser for eating alone.

However, the blog Gods intervened, clearly realizing that such a post would be boring and preachy. They decided to put me in my place, and remind me that I am a loser and a failure, regardless of what country I am in.

Fail #1-I was looking for this delicious bun cha place near my work. I wandered around looking for it, positive that I'd find it. I didn't. I opted instead for this nice looking pho place.

Fail #2-I sat down and indicated that I'd like a meal. It was the kind of place that options are limited and I didn't care what they brought me. I also said I wanted iced tea. I was ecstatic that they brought it. woohoo. I did something right. Turns out, that's the only thing I did correctly. I sat and waited for thirty minutes. I even made eye contact with the waitress and she made a motion like "one" and I nodded enthusiastically, thinking this was confirming my order. It turns out they thought I only wanted tea. Defeated, I shuffled out paying my 2,000 dong (10 cents) for my tea and started a dejected trek back to my office.

Fail #3-I passed a bun bo place and figured I could get this one right. They serve one thing...and I am clearly there for it. I confidently point to the bun bo sign and sit down. I order yet another green tea and I sit down. My food arrives and it looks delicious. I did have a slight incident with an old man clapping me on the shoulder and smiling and talking to me in Vietnamese to which I tried to explain, "I'm sorry i don't understand." For some reason that doesn't seem to deter people from continuing on a conversation where they are clearly asking you questions that you simply can not answer. That aside, things were looking like they were taking a turn in the right direction.

We all know (or anyone who has spent any time with me consuming food) that I'm not the daintiest or most delicate when I eat. I try, really I do, but somehow I always manage to make a mess. Whether it be crumbs on my clothes, rice and veggies fallen off of my plate, or chocolate on my cheek, I inevitably leave the table looking like a two year old. My friends at home used to smile and laugh at me in a nice way, leading me to believe this deficit was somewhat endearing, but really it was detrimental to my growth as a normal human being. People I meet out here aren't as accustomed.

I digress. Kind of. My third fail is a direct result of my inability to function properly at a table. As I was eating, the chopsticks splashed some of the spicy broth into my eye causing me to flail and grip my eye, in the process knocking over everything on my table and sullying up my table and my clothes. EPIC FAIL.

Perhaps it is better that I've learned how to eat alone. Clearly it's best that I keep the witnesses to my destruction at a minimum.

Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone

2011-02-28T22:50:00.003+07:00

I have never considered myself to be pretty. I don't say this for an onslaught of compliments to be sent my way, I won't believe them anyway. I grew up being tall and painfully thin, with the kind of face that could never be considered cute but apparently I've grown into.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see the same thing that others see. I see the awkwardly unattractive girl I was when I was thirteen. There was a time I refused to pose for pictures and even now I delete a majority of the photos that I am in. I am always genuinely surprised when I complimented on my looks. I'm not good at accepting it. I always relied on my personality to be my most attractive feature-I'm funny, smart and kind. I'm not pretty.

My mother used to say to me that she hoped I'd never know what it was like to be ugly. That i was so lucky and didn't even know it. That one day something would make me appreciate myself from an aesthetic standpoint. She told me I was beautiful and exquisite and that many people would love to look like me. I rolled my eyes. I never realized she was right. That one day I'd wish i could look like the old me.

I woke up in December with these weird red bumps in my arms. I, being the hypochondriac, googled every possibility, and diagnosed myself with ridiculous ailments. I figured it was either some crazy disease or an allergic reaction. I couldn't have predicted the truth.

I went home for Christmas and got blood tests, convinced for some insane reason that it was syphilis. (There is NO REASON at all I should've suspected this, it would actually be impossible. I have not engaged in any precarious activities-or non precarious for that matter...but it's what came up when I googled "small red bumps on arms") Not surprisingly, I tested negative for it and everything else. I waited for my appointment with my superstar dermatologist, convinced that he'd be able to tell me what was wrong. Why an allergic reaction wouldn't go away. He took a quick look at me and delivered the news: I have psoriasis. A lifelong skin condition that covers one with unattractive scales and flares up for seemingly no reason at all. He gave me some cream and told me to get moderate sunlight and that I'd be ok.

I left the doctor feeling very happy, knowing what was wrong with me. I stupidly didn't understand the implication. I had no idea that the red bumps would disappear and be replaced with BIG WHITE SPLOTCHES that cover my arms and part of my legs. That the cream would do nothing to alleviate the unsightly condition that had developed on my arms and part of my body. That I'd have to rethink short sleeve shirts, that when I looked in the mirror I'd see a leopard standing back at me. That I finally had a legitimate reason to complain about what I looked like. That my mother was justified in her prior disdain for my cries of being ugly. I can't help feel like I've gotten what I deserve. And I have to deal with it for the rest of my life. There is no cure for psoriasis. I will constantly have to battle this, feel self conscious, and hate myself for being such a idiot before.

I know I am supposed to be better than this. That beauty is only skin deep. That there is more to life than looking good. I know I sound like a whiny superficial bitch for writing this post. That there are people with actual problems, serious health problems that they are battling, and my situation is pathetic in comparison. of course I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier.

This weekend it was gorgeous sunny weather, and I wore a tank top and saw people staring at my arms, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I tried on many different outfits for my birthday party and opted out of the one I wanted to wear because it would expose the spots. I can't bear the idea of going out exposed because it'll evoke stares and add to my my already increased self consciousness.

I don't know how I am supposed to stop feeling embarrassed about this. How to stop caring. How to rise above it. How to look in the mirror and not see the stark contrast between my skin color and these patches. How I am supposed to tell myself to stop crying because I've lost whatever confidence in my looks that i was somewhat starting to gain. How can anyone possibly think I am pretty now? I certainly can't imagine how they could, because I certainly don't. I can't help feel that this is going to be what everyone notices about me when they first see me.

I really dislike that I am so upset about looking bad. I had always prided myself on not being vain but the truth is, everyone, I don't care who they are, wants to feel attractive. No one wants to feel like a freak or stand out for having some kind of physical aberration. It doesn't matter how intelligent you are, or how in touch with your inner self you claim you are, no one is immune to physical beauty-not just admiring it but wanting to feel that they, in some way, possess it.

I am not saying I'm ugly. Or that all I have to offer is the way I look. All I am saying is that for 26 3/4 of my life, i didn't appreciate what I had. I wasn't perfect but I had no real problems regarding my looks. Yeah I was gangly, my hair was a frizzy mess and people called me big forehead but I had nothing that made my physically different. I didn't have to think about covering my arms for fear of stares. I was a stupid self conscious girl without any justifiable reason (unless you want to blame Hollywood)

But now I do. Now I have an affliction that I have no real control over that I will never be able to get rid of. The only thing I can try and do is take whatever they recommend to alleviate symptoms (which, as I said, hasn't worked for me) and try and convince myself to get over it. That I should appreciate the other beauty I possess. That I am luckier than most.

I'll try and do those things. but until I have that down, I'll wear long sleeves and have the occasional sobfest in my bedroom.

Shape of My Heart

2011-02-14T09:50:00.000+07:00

I think it's pretty apparent to anyone who knows me or has been a consistent reader of my blog that I am a hopeless romantic. I LOVE love. I love cheesy chick flicks, flowers, love letters, and the whole notion of soul mates. There is nothing I look forward to more than finding someone who is "my other half" and taking on the world together.

That being said, I don't like Valentine's Day. Not really, anyway. Out of the last 10 Valentine's Days I've had a Valentine for 7 of them. Not bad. Certainly not anything that would make me complain about the day or harbor resentment. If anything, my Valentine's Days in the past have been filled with love and adoration. Huge bouquets, delicious chocolate, and the occasional sparkly present. No, I have no bitterness towards the day.

What I don't like about Valentine's Day is that it is so contrived. I don't like the concept of doing something because you feel you're supposed to, and I don't think over the top gestures are accurate depictions of the heart. I've always been of the mindset that flowers are great, but give them on a random Tuesday, not a holiday or birthday. If you want me to feel special, make it on a random day, not a day that tells you you're supposed to. Also, going out for dinner is a process. You can't get a reservation, the prices are too high, the menu is limited, and there is this underlying pressure to make it perfect and meaningful, therefore ruining the evening. I'd much rather have a home cooked meal (or take out, I guess) and watch a movie and talk. We can go out to dinner another night. In fact, it'll mean more if you plan dinner on a different night because it'll show you put thought into it not just because it's Valentine's Day.

As hopelessly romantic as I am, I don't value material things as much as I value thoughtfulness. If someone displays thought and consideration, just because, it goes miles beyond doing something showy. I've had guys plan the most "romantic" nights...walking along the beach at night, only to "find" a set up of roses, romantic music, chocolate and a necklace. That was beautiful. That guy cheated on me. A lot. Worth it? I don't think so. I'd much prefer the small thoughtful gestures, that show that you know me, are listening when I speak, and that you care. My stuffed rhino, Emily Dickinson poetry, HP set, and Berlin mug are all unconventional, little (except for HP set) gifts but meant the world to me because they were indications of consideration. Nothing sexier than that.

I also dislike Valentine's Day because it allows people to feel bad about themselves for no apparent reason. Just because you are unattached on this one day is no reason to feel miserable, yet people do. My boyfriend of four years and I only spent one Valentine's Day together on account of his job which (conveniently) required him to be out of state on this day. This meant that we couldn't be physically together but didn't change that I had someone who loved me, and he displayed it EVERY DAY, and on Valentine's Day he made sure I was showered with cards, flowers and chocolate. I really don't care about Valentine's Day, and I knew I shouldn't feel depressed and lonely but somehow I couldn't help it. As I sat alone in my apartment while all of my friends were on dates and my boyfriend was in New Orleans or Phoenix or wherever he was, I found myself feeling utterly miserable for "being alone." Even though I wasn't. Even though there were many nights I was alone in my apartment and never thought twice about it. Even though the man I was with had a way of making me feel loved and special and cherished 365 days a year. Valentine's just had that effect on me. And it does others as well.

I guess the bottom line for me is that there shouldn't be a day that marks being in love with someone. And if you insist that there should be, then make it private, like say, an anniversary. But love should not but something that is expressed on a single day but shown daily. Love isn't contrived, it's real, and it's honest and expressing it should come from within, not from a date circled on the calendar.

Chuc Mung Nam Moi

2011-02-10T11:44:00.000+07:00

There is something incredibly special about being in Vietnam during Tet. Not just because it means I got to have two "new year's" celebrations but because of the meaning and culture behind it all.

In the US, and other western cultures, we celebrate the New Year with alcohol, parties, and resolutions that barely make it through the month but there is no real meaning or significance to it. Just the start of a new year and the underlying notion of new beginnings.

In Vietnam, it's so much more than that. There are stories and traditions and beliefs that surround the whole time of year. Working in a Via real Vietnamese office, i began to see the holiday as not just a time that prices rise, streets crowd, and purses get snatched but as a real new beginning.

The Vietnamese reflect on the past year, and centuries almost and take the time to honor their ancestors and enjoy the time they have with their current loved ones. They pray to Gods to help bring love, happiness, health and prosperity in the new year, and what's more they actually believe it. Their strength in this makes it more than just revelry but turn it into something significant, something far greater than anything I've experienced before.

The time is about giving, peace and love. The debts and grudges from the years before are eliminated and they look at the new year with a fresh perspective and openness that is something I'd love to adopt and am trying to.

This goes back to the whole tradition and national pride element that I cherish so much about this amazing country. The people who reside here have followed the same rituals and routines for centuries and it is ingrained in their very being.

I was supposed to go to Thailand, but due to finances, I found myself in Hanoi in the eve of Tet, watching fireworks over Hoan Kiem lake before heading to Hoi An the following day for a week of sun and relaxation. As I observed the nationals at this time, I saw that of course they were engaging in partying for the new year, they weren't using it as an excuse to party, but felt genuine joy and love for the events going on around them. I think they are the ones who have got it right.

On December 31st, I danced around with my friends and drank and enjoyed the party. I made silly resolutions that I'm pretty sure I've broken but seeing Tet has made me rethink how I want to handle the new year.

This year is going to be another year of self discovery, self love and prosperity. I am going to start looking at things for what they actually are and valuing the greatness that has been thrust upon me. I have been given an immense opportunity out here, not only from a professional capacity but also from a personal standpoint as well. I am tired of claiming what I want, or who i want to be. I have decided, from this day forth to embrace who I am, to make necessary changes and to most importantly be happy in my own skin. I'm letting go of the past; past debt, past inflictions and everything else that I was allowing to hold me back and I am running forward to a bright and happy future.

Hi-Ho Hi Ho It's off to work we go

2011-01-24T16:59:00.000+07:00

When I came to Hanoi last January, I expected to stay for five months. Five months. That's what i wanted. To take a breather from life, to evaluate what I wanted, to explore a new culture and travel. Five months in Hanoi and two more to travel.

When a good opportunity teaching presented itself I extended that five months to a year. One year was a natural progression from five months and I felt like I'd have a greater understanding and sense of belonging to the city if I stayed a year.

Here I am over a year later with no plans to leave. I confess, if i was still trudging to a classroom day in and day out that I don't know if I'd see my time here as indefinite. My transformation from school teacher back to PR came accidentally, I was looking online for a job for someone who wants to move here, and I noticed an ad for a vacancy in public relations. I figured, "why not?" and applied. I got it and once that occurred my mindset began to change a little bit more.

the decision to remain in Southeast Asia is not a difficult one in terms of adjusting to the culture or sacrifice. I feel like I have everything here that i need, and am blessed enough to have retained my former life in all of its glory as well. The factor that was making me unhappy was the career one, the fact that I didn't belong in a classroom, it didn't inspire me or make me happy. I knew I was a good teacher, and I took away incredibly valuable insights and tools from my time in front of a chalkboard, but it wasn't me. I wanted to have it all. I wanted the life I have made for myself here to fit into the aspirations I've built for myself as well.

Since I've landed the PR job, and begun heading to the office daily, I've found a significant shift in my demeanor. I am happy, composed, fulfilled. I feel successful for the first time in my life. I am inspired to do my best, to grow, to take this golden opportunity I've been presented with and turn it into something incredible. I've never been so excited about work in my life, but also scared. Scared that i'll fail, scared that i won't live up to my expectations, scared that I'm not as great as I think I am. I guess this is because when something is important to us, we're more nervous about losing it, or it being taken away. I've never really cared about a job or opportunity like this before.

I've entered the world of the unknown, because while I am working in public relations, I'm doing it in a foreign country, and I'm not even really focusing on the PR aspect of the industry but actually acquiring new business. My job is essentially to meet the movers and the shakers in this country and try and have them work with my company. how incredible is that?

Work doesn't feel like work, and it honestly feels like I am living in this dream world where everything I want comes true and at some point I have to wake up. I hope not for a while. I'd like to sleep in :)

It Feels Like Home to Me

2011-01-19T09:37:00.000+07:00

As excited as I was to go home over Christmas break, a part of me was nervous. I remembered how easy it was for me to fall back into my old life, how comfortable it was. I remember breaking down in Alex's apartment on the day of my flight back to Hanoi telling him he couldn't make me go back. And I remember, most of all, when i got back to Hanoi being completely miserable. I sent depressing mopey emails to everyone back home crying that I'd made a mistake and didn't know what I was thinking.

The Hanoi slump is common among expats. At first, I thought it was just me, so i was embarrassed and kept it to myself. however, upon further discussion, I realized that MOST people have highs and lows here. The highs are very very high and the lows are dismal. A friend told me to "give it three weeks" and then I'd feel normal again, and she was right...within three weeks I'd adjusted back to my Hanoian life and state of happiness.

I was pretty sure the same thing would happen to me this time, and although at least I could anticipate it, there's no way of avoiding it...however something strange happened. I got home and for the first time it felt like I was a visitor. I was visiting Florida, I was visiting New York, and while visiting is fabulous it's a completely different frame of mind. I no longer felt that the city I spent three and a half years in was mine, and while I enjoyed every second I had there, I just didn't feel home. perhaps it was because I was sleeping on an aerobed, or that everyone was going out of their way to see me, but I stopped mourning the life i left behind and started looking forward to the one I've built for myself in Hanoi.

I will always love New York (and everything it offers) and will probably return there. However, these days, Hanoi is home, and I couldn't be happier about that.

2010-Love and Leave Ya

2010-12-31T12:40:00.000+07:00

As this year culminates, I, like so many others, am sitting back and reflecting on the past twelve months and reflecting on all of the events that life presented me and what I’ve learned.

My 2010 was a year full of firsts and changes. I left my cushy and comfortable life in New York City and moved to a foreign land. One where I was given an opportunity to start afresh and discover new dimensions of the world and more importantly, of myself.

I was fully unprepared for it all. I was supposed to be in Hanoi for six months, that was the plan at least. A few months into my new life, I made the decision to stay a few months longer…and after those months, I renewed my life decision to remain for an indefinite amount of time.

Living in Hanoi has given me endless opportunities from both a professional and personal standpoint. Hanoi, as I’ve stated so many time is the past, is the land of possibility. I have been given the chance to look at life in a whole new way, and realize that I can shape my world however I want to.

For the first time in my life I feel like the life I have is mine. I have created a world in which everything I have is completely mine. When we’re living in our comfort zones, we rarely stretch ourselves beyond what we know, we often remain stagnant. When moving to a foreign zone, we are immediately catapulted into a plight where our destiny is completely up in the air but also ultimately what we make of it.

I am not disparaging my former existence, in fact quite the opposite, I loved it. I was happy. I love New York, I love my family, I love my friends and appreciate the familiarity of it all. However, moving away showed me how much I needed to get away. That it was essential for my growth as a person to step away.

I’ve often stated that I’ve had lots of time to think, evaluate and been faced with elements of my personality, habits, and being that I never really examined before. It wasn’t always yielding, there were times that it was beyond difficult but I believe that everything I’ve taken away has been invaluable.

When I am around my friends and family in the US, I am constantly subjected to remarks where I am told that they see a definite change in me. A positive one. I agree with all of these assessments.

The most paramount lesson I learned while abroad was the importance of self. In the past, I tended to neglect myself, who I am, and my needs. I tended to just go with the flow, follow the path that I thought I should take, and this often resulted in doing what was easy rather than challenging myself.

This all changed in Hanoi. In Hanoi, my whole perception of the right path changed. I realized that the right path is not following the norm but actually doing what was best for myself. In the past year, I joined program that set me up with a school in Hanoi. I realized I hated the program and everything about it, and I chose to make changes rather than run home. I found a new job and a new home. I learned how to drive a motorbike. There were times I felt alone, and I had difficulty making friends. I was worried that I’d never feel like Hanoi was a home. I decided to take steps to rectify this. I went to parties and events alone, I forced myself to come out of my shell and take initiative. I successfully built a strong network of good friends that i adore and learn from.

Living in Hanoi has allowed me to be completely selfish but in way that has made me a happier and more dynamic person. I realized that somewhere along the line, I was a person crippled by my own insecurities and fear of failing. I met people who held up a mirror to who I am inside and made me want to change, but also showed me who I am and all I have to offer. So many of these people were so clued into who they were and what they wanted out of their life’s journey, and instead of being envious of their insight, I felt inspired to attain the same.

My first and true passion is the theatre, and I become involved in the Hanoi International theatre Society. Rediscovering my love for this has given me a renewed sense of confidence and motivation to follow my dreams. I believe now that anything is possible. That we don’t have to compromise who we are, or our dreams to fit in a mold. That we can have it all.

What I’ve gained in the past year is a whole new form of love. I fell in love with myself. I am disappointed to say that I never really loved myself. I was incapable of accepting myself for who I am, for what I bring to the table. I was so obsessed with validation and acceptance from outside sources that I failed to get it from the one and only person I really needed it from…myself. I spent endless hours worrying that I wasn’t smart enough, popular enough, successful or pretty enough. This year, I’ve learned to let all of that go. I’ve become better at taking what life throws at me, at accepting everyone (myself included) as is. People are who they are and rather than wanting them to change or be better, it’s important to love what’s already there.

This is the first time in my life that I’ve felt fully satisfied. I look at the life I’ve created for myself and I am happy and proud. I have a new and exciting job, I have a robust social life complete with friends from all walks of life and differing opinions that are a constant stimulation and joy. I see endless prospects in my career and my personal life. I have hobbies. I’ve built a life for myself and I built it entirely on my own. I’ve learned that being single doesn’t mean being alone. I moved to a new country, I’ve traveled solo throughout Southeast Asia, I broke up with a long term boyfriend and I’ve been ok. More than ok. I’ve done it gracefully and with a strength I didn’t realize I had. One that I probably wouldn’t have discovered if I lived stateside. I’ve become a more balanced person, one filled with determination, drive and confidence. I've made mistakes, and been alright with that. I no longer have a fear of failing because I know that there is no such thing as failing. That whatever happens, it's something to learn and grow from. I'm open to myself and all that being that person entails. I don't make excuses or apologies for that anymore. If you don't like me, I won't stress about it, because I am finally in a place where I like me, and that's much more important.

I’m truly happy with my life EXACTLY how it is, there is not an element that I feel is missing from my current state. I wouldn’t change a thing.

This is not to stay that I now reside in a state of self satisfaction. Not at all. I always believe there is room for self improvement, but now instead of berating myself I am excited for the challenge of what this brings.

Goodbye 2010, you’ve been better to me than I could’ve even imagined and I can’t wait to see what 2011 and beyond will bring.

Same as It Ever Was

2010-12-30T04:23:00.000+07:00

This time last week I was giving a farewell speech at my school in Hanoi. After the speech, I rushed home and raced around Hanoi with last minute errands, goodbyes, and my stomach filled with butterflies on account of my impending holiday trip back to the US.

I was excited to come home for three weeks, I was at the point where I missed my family, friends, and the life I'd left behind twelve months ago. I just wanted to return to "normalcy" for a few weeks, i needed a breather.

Last time in returned home, i was inundated with questions as to why I've chosen to live my life in Asia, people asked what it was Vietnam had to offer that the US doesn't. Questions like these are always difficult to answer but I did my best, but think i failed to satisfy some people's curiosity. This time around, I prepared myself for these questions better, but haven't yet had been asked to present my case.

People seem to understand now that the current chapter in this book of my life is taking place in Asia. They've accepted it and there aren't any attempts to coerce me back into the western world. This time around, I am faced with a whole new set of questions, this time about my life out there, and what it entails.

These questions are natural, i suppose. I am living as an expat in an exotic country that isn't that widely traveled by people in the United States.

The problem with these questions is that, once again, my answers aren't all that great. Even though I claimed I was anticipating being back in the US for a few months of "normal" life, the truth is that my life in Hanoi is just as typical as it was here, as it would be anywhere. I do the things that everyone does: I go out with friends, I try new restaurants, I have hobbies, I go to work, I buy groceries. When I'm sick, I go to the doctor. When I'm sad, I watch sappy movies or have a vent session over coffee with someone I'm close to. My friends and I face the same trials that people do over here: our boss is annoying, we're broke, we're gaining weight, we met a guy and he seemed cool but now he isn't calling. The only difference is the backdrop, the form of transportation, and the language. Instead of NYC, I'm in the capital city of Vietnam, instead of the subway, I drive a motorbike, and while English is the primary language I communicate in, I also have to stretch myself and throw in some Vietnamese words or some fantastic charades.

I don't think this answer is a particularly enthralling one. I'm pretty sure people want anecdotes depicting how crazy and disparate my life is over there. I wish I could oblige, really I do. Perhaps, I've become accustomed to all of the idiosyncrasies that make my Hanoi life antithetic from the life I led here.I just don't feel the contradiction anymore.

We are, for all intensive purposes, adaptable creatures. We are equipped with a certain level of survivor skills, and when we're placed in unfamiliar territory we tend to acclimate to wherever it is we have to. I truly believe that you can take any person, and place them in a new situation and within a few months they will have carved out a niche for themselves, they will have found a way to belong and make it their own.

Now, I obviously wasn't forced into moving to Hanoi, I went, and have stayed, on my own free will but once again, the realization of this has given me a whole new perspective. We (or at least I) like our comfort zones, for obvious reasons we feel safe there, but I see now that ANYWHERE can be a comfort zone, it just may take a bit of time. It took me a while to establish what i consider a life for myself in Hanoi, but in retrospect it took me the same amount of time to do the same thing when i lived in NYC, and when i went to school in Boston. I recognize now that no matter where I go in the world, I'll have a period of adjustment and once that's passed I'll be engaging in the same routine that i was in my last stop.

As massive and dynamic as this world is, the bottom line is that the basic functions and necessities are the same. People are people, they all want and crave the same things. it doesn't matter what language you speak, what deity you worship (or don't), or what economic background you've come from, your desires and needs are the same as almost every other person on the planet. It's further proof in the mind of Alice that it really is a small world after all.

Grab N Go

2010-12-24T08:26:00.000+07:00

Last time I gushed about my love of Hanoi and Vietnam I was mugged the next day. This time, the time elasped was much less.

I had dinner with my new coworkers on Tuesday night at a spot not too far from my house, about a 15 minute walk. I like to walk as much as possible, not only for the exercise but I genuinely enjoy walking and am lucky enough to live an area that it's possible to walk many places.

So after a lovely dinner, in which I got to know my new coworkers better I ambled home along Hai Ba Trung. This is where the problems started.

So I start to notice this guy walking behind me a bit oddly. I speed up a bit. I don't want be paranoid or jump to conclusions but I got a really weird vibe from him. He then comes up next to me with a cigarette and asks if I have a lighter. I randomly have matches from dinner in my purse but tell him I don't have anything because, as I said, he seemed weird.

At this point I start mapping out detours I am going to take so I don't lead him to my house.

I pick up the pace again and for a bit it's ok but he comes up again pointing at something, I think a cigarette again, slurring something. I don't want to get close so I say NO very loudly and realize I need to get the heck away from him so I cross the street, I started to panic when he followed suit. There were three ways to deal with the situation 1. get a xe om (which in retrospect, I should've done) 2. nothing and hope it goes away or 3. tackle and confront it. Bullies thrive on being intimidated and are usually derailed when someone is not. I turn around, look at him and SHOUT at him "STAY AWAY FROM ME" something he seems to understand and says ok ok.

For all appearances, he disappears and I am very proud of myself for not being afraid and taking him on. I'm almost in front of the Hanoi Towers, a mere five minutes from my house and I'm starting to feel home free. Next thing I know, he reappears behind me, runs up, shouts something and gropes me. I wasn't robbed. I screamed very loudly and said GET OFF OF ME and held up my fist. If I'd my wits about me, or been more prepared I would've drop kicked him hard. And it would've hurt.

At this juncture I am really upset, so I walk in the middle of Hai Ba Trung as traffic darts around me. I'm still unaware as to whether this freak is hiding and watching me so I ran 1 min into a frequent haunt of mine crying and the guys I know who were there got all protective and tried to go outside to find the guy. I sat there for a bit to let the feeling pass, drank a cranberry juice and then got a ride from one of the guys who works there.

It was jarring, violating and weirdly humiliating. It made me feel stupid for feeling invincible and allowing myself to get swallowed up into the Hanoi Bubble. But this, like anything else, could happen anywhere. I am not giving up on Hanoi just yet.

Presents With Presence Alone

2010-12-20T14:03:00.000+07:00

I've had an easy life. I'd say that I've always been a bit spoiled. Before you start imagining me clad head to toe in designer driving around in my BMW, let me rephrase. I've been EMOTIONALLY spoiled. I've been blessed with a wonderful and wildly supportive family. A family who cherished me, trusted me implicitly, respected my individuality, and supported me in everything I've ever done, good and bad. I know, no matter what, I have a strong unit in place ad that there's nothing I could do or say that would make them love me less.

When I did badly on a test or asked them one of my crazy hypothetical questions: "what would you do if I got pregnant?" "what would you do if I dropped out of high school?" they didn't freak out or threaten me. "If you fail a test, you fail a test. It wouldn't affect me. I've already been to high school. It's YOUR life." or "Would I be mad if you got pregnant? Would YOU be mad? It would be YOUR baby." Their matter of fact answers and unfazed attitude actually made me a much more responsible person driven to do my best/right thing not because I was worried that my parents would be "mad" at me, but because I wanted the best for myself.

When I discuss my upbringing with others, I find myself praising the stellar job that they did. They instilled the things in life that are important in life and taught me strong values. I grew up in a privileged household, where it would've been entirely possible for me to be overindulged but I simply wasn't. I was provided with food, shelter, education and the things in life I needed but luxury items were usually obtained through myself. They taught me that things weren't just given to you, that you had to work for them. They gave me work ethic, at 12 I was babysitting, at 16 I worked in a restaurant, and all through college I worked. When all of my friends got cars on their 16th birthday, my parents told me I'd always have a car to drive, but that it wouldn't be mine. "What do you have to look forward to if you have everything at 16?" my mother asked. I still don't have a car.

At the time, I thought they were selfish and annoying. I resented the fact that they had the ability to provide me with a car or $200 jeans but that they just wouldn't. I didn't mind having a job I just didn't understand why they wouldn't give me some things when I knew they could.

I realize now that they gave me something much better than a shiny new car with a bow on the top. They gave me an understanding for how the world works, an appreciation for all of the opportunities bestowed on me, and a HUNGER to want to succeed and provide for myself on my own terms. I've never thanked them for this. So, I think when I go home in four days, I am going to sit them down and do just that.

Not surprisingly, the holidays at my house were not all that traditional. As a little child, of course Christmas meant copious fabulous gifts under the tree but as I got older, the present waned. I was reminded that the point of the holiday was NOT, in fact, a new ipod or pair of Louboutin's but that it is a RELIGIOUS holiday, and the meaning of the day was to be spent with loved ones relishing in affection and tradition. We don't go all out in the present sense at our house. We do small, meaningful gifts, but on Christmas Day our house is a revolving door for family and friends, filled with warmth, joy and mirth. Not to mention my father's chef quality meals.

The crazy thing is, that I figured this out on my own around the age of 10. For me, Christmas was being in London with my mothers family and I truly loved that more than the gifts. I remember, around this age, my parents asked what I wanted and I answered, "I just want to be with my family." To this day, I still feel the same way. And, while I get GREAT joy buying someone the perfect gift, I OFTEN go to the Salvation Army tree at the mall and pick up the angels (which are the Christmas wishes for the underprivileged kids) and i buy a toy for someone who has nothing and instead dedicate the gift to someone on my Christmas list who has everything.

That being said, of course I like presents. And this post was supposed to be a tongue in cheek Christmas wish list, not an ode to the people who raised me. So, for any of you who believe Christmas presents are the be all of the holiday...here is my list. I'll happily accept anything on it:
1. netbook
2. rag&bone jeans
3. andrew marc leather jacket
4. Nars "Laguna" bronzer, "orgasm" blush (either separately or in the combo kit)
5. Benefit concealer and "benetint" liquid blush
6. a gift certificate to Victoria Secret
7. knee high, high heeled black leather boots
8. Christmas mini eggs, French Fancies, marmite
9. any kind of cute clothes, dresses, skirts, shirts or extremely comfortable pajama pants.
10. you :)

Stop This Train, I Can't Take the Speed it's Moving In

2010-12-17T21:56:00.000+07:00

When I was 19, I had an experience that changed my life. I don’t want to go into too much detail but let’s just say my world as I knew it was shattered. Actually, I’ll go into some detail, it’ll help put things into perspective. I’ve referenced my trust issues in past blogs but never really discussed the root of them. I was betrayed in the worst possible way: I found out that my first love, my boyfriend of more than two and a half years, had been running around all over town with other girls. This is a part of life, but what made the blow so devastating was that seven of the girls were my closest friends. The betrayal came at me from all sides and I never felt so alone because I had no one to turn to, no one to cry to.

Most people in this situation would’ve gone crazy, plotted revenge and done something stupid, but I was raised in a diplomatic household where this kind of thing wasn’t really tolerated, so I went the other way. I internalized everything, rationalized it, and put on a face of composure. I calmly confronted the friends in question and listened to their tearful apologies with tolerance and acceptance. I didn’t get angry and I didn’t lose my cool, instead I forgave them. I told myself these things happen and that I was fine. I was eerily calm about the whole thing. Inside I was a wreck, but I didn’t want anyone to see that, I thought them seeing my defeat was letting them win. Throughout the entire ordeal, I told myself that taking the high road made me the better person, and that by being indifferent, I was in control. (I’m a control freak) My performance was so commendable that I even started to believe it myself. But it was at this time that my trust issues were born

It was also the time when I shut down emotionally. Prior to all of this, I was an open person, I gave love and affection unabashedly, I gave people the benefit of the doubt, I saw the good in everyone. After it, I built this fortress around myself, never letting anyone get too close, never discussing my feelings and always keeping things at a relatively superficial level. I categorically refused to let myself be vulnerable again. Every time a friend or guy let me down I moved on with relative ease, not because I am good at that, but because I simply hadn’t really invested enough of myself emotionally to grieve. My emotional shut down was actually subconscious, I didn’t realize how damaged I was until I moved to Hanoi.

There were inklings, of course, that I had issues. I operated on a relatively secretive level. Not divulging details of my personal life to even my closest friends. I was so good at it though, that a lot of them probably didn’t even realize I was doing it. I always claimed I was a “really private person” but the truth is that I was operating on a level of extreme self preservation. Moments of opening up were few and far between. When people tried to get inside my head and way of thinking, I could never really let them. It was as if that option was switched off. Since, I assumed everyone was going to screw me over anyway, I gave them as little opportunity as possible to do so. As I’ve said before, there are less than a handful of people that I’ve given my complete trust to.

Moving to Hanoi has changed me. Not only was it the first place that I allowed myself to face my demons, but it’s the place that has made me start to feel again. With each day that passes, I feel myself letting go and becoming a relatively normal human being. With the people in my life here, I say what I think, I tell them how I feel and what I want. I’m open about my dreams and my fears, I don’t censor who I am. The transformation is overwhelming to me, and I find at times, that it scares me. I don’t know what to do with all of this emotional freedom. It’s been a long time since I’ve let myself actually feel, that I’ve put myself out there. I’m embodying this new me so reverently that it’s almost as if the locked up emotions from seven years are having a residual affect. I give too much too quickly, I don’t play it cool, I overshare, and I’m always available emotionally. I think, actually, it freaks some people out…too much too soon.

The difficult thing for me now is not handing myself over, but it’s when it isn’t reciprocated. I take it to heart, as a personal blow, and chastise myself for caring too much. It’s times like these that my old self rears it’s ugly head and I close off, I deal with perceived rejection by cutting it off at the source, despite how fantastic that source may be. I have still retained my self preservation warfare tactic that were ingrained in me for those seven years.

The problem with Hanoi is that there is very little to do here other than form relationships with people. It’s the only survival tactic I know, the only thing that makes this place a home, that makes my life here real. Hanoi, while it has many attributes, is isolating, and this can have a stir crazy affect. People think too much. I think and care about things that I would never normally. This can be a good thing, as it’s brought me back a side that I gave up a long time ago, but it also can drive you to a certain level of insanity.

Sometimes, you meet someone so incredible that it’s almost impossible to not throw everything you have into that encounter. The seven year Alice would’ve barely acknowledged the person or situation but the new Alice is a high speed train with faulty brakes. The rational side says not to, that nothing good could come from such an accelerated approach. The fall out in imminent, and the collateral is your self esteem. Somehow, I can’t get myself to refrain though, if someone walks into my life and lights it up, I can’t abide by rationality. I’d like to, really I would, and be able to proceed normally and form a sustainable bond. I just find that I get so excited that I ruin things prematurely. I go from being awesome to being overbearing. I need to learn to practice some kind of restraint, to remember that a little mystery is a good thing. One doesn’t have to be cold but there is a difference between warm and boiling.

Sometimes I hate being emotionally aware, and the fact that the phrase “I have nothing left to give so I give up” has left my lips (or finger tips via text) on more occasions than I’d like to admit.

I am aware that I am at opposite ends of the spectrum. I’m a walking contradiction, hot and cold, with a scale that is constantly tipping in the favor of one end. I haven’t yet learned how to find the balance, how to manage it all. I know I don’t want to go back to the way I was, but I also know I can’t continue at the pace I’m going. I partially blame the Hanoi culture for the latter but most the problem is with me an my inability for self control. Ideally, I’d like these two sides to form a perfect merger. I’m hoping that this is just an adjustment period, and that in a few months I’ll be a perfect blend. Just like I am in every other aspect of my life. :-P

The Grinch Is Returning My Christmas

2010-12-16T12:31:00.000+07:00

I have a really weird relationship with Christmas. The past few years, I've been a bit of a Scrooge, and had difficulty getting into the holiday spirit. It didn't always used to be that way, growing up I was obsessed with Christmas. I became so attached to the memories of everything the holiday was to me. I am a sucker for tradition, and my Christmas always followed the same pattern, in London with my mother's family. The week leading up to the holiday was also spent in London, driving around looking at the Harrod's Windows, visiting Father Christmas, and getting more and more excited about the big day. Christmas Day itself was always a festive affair, filled with family and all of the quirks that made it ours. More on those later.

After my grandmother died six years ago, that ended my Christmas celebrations in London. it was kind of my Grinch, as it stole my Christmas. These days, I not only have a hard time getting into the festive demeanor, but always find myself feeling kind of dejected on the day itself. There is nothing that can happen that can even come close to the first twenty Christmases. These days, when all I hear is Christmas music on the radio or coming a friends stereo I get annoyed. (On a side unrelated note, I am a HUGE fan of traditional Christmas carols, not stupid poppy ones. I ADORE choir music, which means I am not in fact, 26, but closer to 76) Even watching Christmas movies or shopping doesn't get me in the mood.

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas shopping, I LOVE buying gifts for my loved ones. I put a lot of effort into my gift giving. I tend to over analyze and stress out about it, to find the meaningful "I care and know you gift" but shopping isn't what makes me think "'Tis the season" There is hope for me though, as something always shifts in me, and I begin to thaw.

The moment where I morph from the Grinch to a Who always arrives unexpectedly. In NYC, it usually occurred when I was walking to the subway. As I made my way across from 53rd and Broadway to 51st and Lex, I was forced to pass some major Christmas-y landmarks. As I saw the Rock Center tree, the Cartier display and the Saks light show, the magic of the season finally hit me as I watched the city I loved so much literally display the sparkle that is usually just an undertone.

Sometimes it happened when I arrived in Florida after a freezing winter in Boston or NYC, I walked through my front door and was hit by the aroma of pine and glitter of a tree. Living as a university student or a recent grad in the city, one doesn't have much room or time to decorate for the holiday, making it a bit harder to capture the spirit. The moment I walk into my house though, it's as if the whole thing becomes real. The only drawback is Florida is warm. There is no snow and you don't wear coats.

Hanoi has been tougher than most years. For obvious reasons, it's a bit harder to find the "cheer" over here, the weather (while it might be "cold") isn't Christmas-y and there aren't really any lights or trees around. However, I did find a little glimmer of my heart of stone thawing, and that was when I taught my students Christmas carols. Something about their tiny accented voices singing the words so earnestly makes me smile and embrace the season.

Something else that caused a major shift in my demeanor was my change in holiday plans. My parents were supposed to be coming out to Vietnam, where we were supposed to travel, but at the last minute they weren't able to. Instead, I'm being flown home and get to spend the day (and three weeks) surrounded by the people in the world that I love the most. That's something I've taken for granted my whole life, the expectation that Christmas and any holiday would be spent with my nearest and dearest. But that's not a right, it's a privilege, one that a lot of people aren't fortunate enough to share.

Once I realized that my holidays would be spent the way they are, i started getting really excited. I started thinking about everything that Christmas is about, and I realized that I need to stop being such a baby. So my traditions have changed, that doesn't mean the holiday has. Christmas isn't about how cold it is outside, carols, or gingerbread cookies, lights or even London. Yes, I will stand by my statement that tradition is a huge part of the day and is what can make it so lovely...however, the primary magic about Christmas is about the people you spend it with, and the joy and love the togetherness of that brings you.

9 days. :)

The Show Is Over Say Goodbye

2010-12-14T11:49:00.000+07:00

Life as an expat has many advantages but, like all lifestyles, there are drawbacks as well. One of these is the transient nature of many relationships formed. People are always coming and going. It's like, as soon as you get close to someone or build a bond, they are off to their next phase in life. I've been to more farewell parties here than any other kind of social event.

I've talked before about my inability to say goodbye and let go. Living here has been a challenge in that regard, not only because it's a constant fact of life, but also because the bonds here are formed at an accelerated pace so you're so much closer to the people you've known for several months than you would be anywhere else.

My first goodbye was beyond emotional, I cried and sobbed and thought i couldn't stand another one. I made a vow to myself that I'd only form relationships with people who were around for six months or longer, but I soon realized that issuing such limitations would prevent me from encounters with truly amazing people.

Instead, I changed myself, or I should say, something within me changed. Somewhere along the way, my subconscious accepted the situations that these situations will occur and I stopped seeing someones departure as a loss but looked upon it with new perspective.

In some ways, one could even say I've become numb or cold. I, of course, am sad when i lose a good friend to the US, Europe, or another part of Asia, but I no longer feel depressed about it. I'm almost completely unaffected. I spend time with my friend while they're still here, I attend their going away party, and when they leave I simply move on to the next friend.

I think that this lifestyle is actually a test of bonds, whether they are real or just formed out of convenience of being an expat. In the "real world" maintaining close relationships is much more difficult, and if my expat relationships can withstand that, I know that they were based on something more than being thrown into a crazy world together.

This outlook has also been beneficial for me in how I approach my relationships with people, both abroad and in Hanoi. I have a habit of caring too much, of trying too hard, of getting too attached and all of these factors can result in my being disappointed and hurt. I was at a going away party on Saturday night and realized that the guest of honor is probably someone I'll never see again. We may stay in touch with the odd facebook message or comment, but apart from that I don't see the friendship transitioning into the real world. It made me realize that if I am so nonchalant about people's departures that I should just stop worrying and thinking about their time here so much. Not spend so much time and energy on caring about stupid things and just concentrate on the experience and person as a whole. If there is a future past Hanoi, then it'll be there regardless, and if there's not then why should I even care, I'll never see them again.

I was told by a very wise man (ha) that leaving and saying goodbye gets easier every time. I pegged him as stoic and de-attached and thought he could have no idea what he was talking about, that I wasn't like that. I saw this weekend that he was right, and that I have evolved and that this is yet another part of the expat experience that I've embraced and will take with me on my subsequent journeys.

Life Lessons from the Men I've Loved and the Boys I Didn't Even Like

2010-12-07T11:57:00.000+07:00

Disclaimer: this post is really emotional and by some definitions a major and unnecessary overshare. It is by no means informational nor will it be interesting to 99% of the people out there. Writing it was cathartic and I could've just not posted it but this is my blog and I feel like it. I'll move back to Hanoi related topics after it. Apologies in advance for anyone it may offend, whether you just be a reader or if you find yourself one of its subjects. Read at your own discretion.

It’s surprising what we can take away from the people we meet. I never gave it that much thought but since moving here, I have started viewing each encounter and relationship in my life as a learning experience.

I am always really bewildered by the people from I take the most from and what it is they’ve taught me. Upon discovering these revelations, I feel almost obliged to announce to them that they’ve changed my life, which is always incredibly awkward because 1. Who says that? And 2. How does one reply?

My first lesson came a little over five years ago from a guy I was “involved” with. I am ashamed to say that I treated him terribly. He was the guy that every girl wanted and I was so focused on that fact, convinced that I was just a pawn in his game that I did everything conceivable to push him away and make it known that I didn’t care about him, that he meant nothing. I refused to acknowledge him public, I denounced him, I was horrible to the point where he gave up and walked away. I congratulated myself on my victory, that the demise of the relationship was still on my terms and before I got hurt, which I felt would’ve been inevitable. I was convinced I’d never hear from him again and I didn’t want to care.

A few months after the dissolution of our dalliances, my grandmother passed away suddenly. One minute she was there and within twenty-four hours she was gone. It hit me hard and I retreated into myself, determined not to let anyone in to see my pain. A good friend of mine contacted him to tell him what happened and how I was behaving, and though he shouldn’t have, he cared. He spent the next few weeks displaying an empathy that went above and beyond, and that lasted longer than all of my friends who stopped consoling me after a few days. He called me every night and when I couldn’t sleep talked to me until early in the morning despite having a brand new high powered finance job that required lots of his time and energy. Since then, he has shown me countless demonstrations of loyalty that I didn’t know possible and certainly didn’t think I was worthy of.

When his serious girlfriend told him she didn’t like me or our relationship and when he friends made negative comments about me, he didn’t sit quietly back or kick me out of his life. He stood up for me, for our friendship and made it clear that despite what was said, I was in his life and that wasn’t going to change. When my dazzling and available friends set their sights on him, he respectfully declined their advances on account of his past with me. I asked him, why, years after our connection, he’d turn them down and he simply replied that our friendship was not worth risking, and that sleeping with a gorgeous girl wouldn’t be worth it if there was the slightest chance it would mar what we had. He broke through my tough “I don’t trust anyone” shield and despite myself, forced me to give myself to the friendship. He gave me faith. To this day, (apart from my family) there is no one I trust more, no one I am able to open myself up to and no one that I feel is more loyal. He is one of my best friends and I would do anything for him. So much of what I know about loyalty was taught by him and I am eternally grateful for that lesson and to have someone like that in my life.

My second lesson came from yet another guy I dated. I was pulling my usual Alice tactics, being evasive and refusing to care (a lesson I still haven’t learned) and in a frenzied moment I ended it with him because I realized that I was falling for him and was petrified about getting hurt. I soon realized my mistake and asked for another chance, a request he flatly denied. He told me we could be friends but that that I needed to learn accountability for my actions, to not play games, and say what I want and think. He said I was a wonderful person and that this should be a lesson. That next time I wouldn’t make such a mistake. I’ve never hated and respected someone so much simultaneously.

My third lesson came from (can you guess?) my boyfriend of four years. The kindest, most wonderful man alive. He taught me about love and forgiveness. He showed me for the first time that I was worthy of being loved, that I deserved love and the best and he spent four years giving me that kind of love. Treating me with adoration and respect. I can’t summarize everything he gave me without turning it into a novel, but I’ll try. He taught me that it was ok to be myself. He showed how it should be and what I deserve. He gave me some of the best memories and years of my life and I am pretty sure I will love him forever.

Lesson four happened in Hanoi. I had just broken up with Mr. Perfect (see above) and threw myself into a rebound relationship. You’re not supposed to fall for the rebound but it usually happens. We had an amazing time together and I was completely obsessed. This relationship was different than any I’d ever been in before. He got to me in a way that no one antecedently has. He opened up an alternate world for me, one where I thought, felt and experienced things that were so novel to me and that I quickly believed I couldn’t live without. Some aspects, I'm sure I can't. The man changed my life forever. He lit up my mind, challenged me and made me want to explore dimensions of myself I didn’t even know existed. He understands me on a level that no one else does. I never have to explain myself because he's somehow able to figure out everything I am thinking about, he always seems to know the subtext in what I was saying. He knows exactly how to handle me.

The night he left Hanoi my world came crashing down. I managed to hold myself together as we made our way to the train station and it wasn’t until we say our goodbyes that I turned around and began the sobbing that lasted the whole walk home and continued for the next four months. The sound of my heart breaking drowned out the sirens and horns abundant in the city and it was at that point in time that I realized Hanoi would never be the same again.

It’s easier to leave than to be left behind and this smacked me in the face with almost everything I did. I couldn’t walk down the street without passing something that reminded me of us and the time that we had spent together exploring this wondrous city. Every corner of the city held some kind of reminder and memory for me and I began to hate it.

The months following “the departure” were pretty miserable and pathetic. I spent a ceaseless amount of time, energy and money desperately trying to piece everything back together. I took trips to meet him all over South East Asia, despite knowing it was a lost case, but not caring because I needed my fix of him. I talked about him fanatically and cried when I was alone. I was fixated on the plan that we had concocted of moving to a new and exciting city together, realizing deep down that it probably wouldn’t happen, but unable to let go of the fantasy because it was the only thing that brought me real joy. I became a slave to my email…my happiness dependent upon whether or not I had heard from him. Even a simple text like “hey there” sent me over the moon where as no communication sunk me into anguish.

I truly believed that I would never get over it, that my world as I knew it was over. I told myself, in all seriousness, that I would never feel this way again. That it was impossible and I was doomed to a live of despondency and consolation prizes. (And sometimes I still believe that) I’ve always had a flair for dramatics and am terrible at letting go. However, this case, I had no choice. I HAD to say goodbye. While I learned countless things from him, I think the most important lessons were in graceful defeat and enjoying the time you have with someone. He had his methods in ensuring that I got over it and him and while I assured him it would “never” happen, I woke up one day (recently) and realized that I wasn't in love with him anymore. He’d taught me how to let go. (I also learned that it may take time but you can move on)

A few posts earlier, I discussed discovery of self love not letting someone else dictate how you feel about yourself and this was a direct result of my latest lesson. It came from a most unexpected place, someone I didn’t care about (though he was, in some aspects a prodigious guy) and even though he turned out to be a TOTAL CAD, I am still compelled to look upon him with a certain appreciation.

Teacher #5 wasn’t in my life for very long yet he managed to make a profound impression. I don’t believe it was him in particular who caused any revelations, it could’ve been anyone, really, as it was a timing thing. Because of circumstances in his situation, I knew it was going nowhere and I was weirdly ok with that, and it allowed me a certain element of emotional uninhibitness. I was able to stay emotionally unattached and lived in the moment, enjoying the time for what it was (thanks lesson 4!) I didn’t close myself off or censor myself or play games or over analyze (lesson #2). I was, for the most part (80%), myself. I saw no reason not to be. (Lesson #3) In the blip that was time spent together (and the aftermath,) I displayed that I’d learned from my previous lessons and when something happened in which I felt rejected and personally offended, I concluded something major.

Acceptance. Acceptance of the situation, of the perceived rejection and of myself. Instead of being self deprecating, I looked inside of myself, thought of my other lessons and found an opportunity to flourish. It was the first time in my life that I didn’t let someone’s “rejection” of me result in my ego and self esteem crumbling. While he wasn’t demonstrative in showing me that I was amazing, smart, and valuable, it was my encounter with him that showed me it’s not something that can be taught by someone else. That I am only those things if I believe I am. It was finally dispensed upon me that I am capable of loving myself, and believe in my worth. That I was able to draw on strength I didn’t know I had, and I am in fact the master of my fate and happiness. That I am the only one who has that control. So while our affliction itself was fleeting, and he didn’t actively try and dispense this knowledge on me, it was the circumstances and reactions that came from it that made my take away is perhaps the most invaluable one I’ve walked away with.

Clearly, since this blog is written about some of my major life lessons and they all came from guys I was non platonically involved with, it’s apparent that I spent way too much time looking to others, particularly men, for validation and sense of self. This is an issue my friends have broached with my multiple times that I refused to acknowledge until very recently.

I’ve found that I am learning more from the people I encounter in Asia than I did back home. A big part of this, I believe, is attributed to my being more open minded and receptive to learn. And my being driven to change. When at home, I’m already established, I am so it’s quite easy to slip into my comfort zone and not challenge myself or feel the need to grow.. It can also be a bit daunting to suddenly take on a new personality or outlook with people you’re comfortable with. I also have trust issues so tend to hide behind a mask that I’ve painted for myself.

I’ve learned a lot, but most of all that I still have a lot to learn. I excited at this prospect, especially as I am looking forward to moving forward and gained knowledge and experience from myself.

The Ghost Inside

2010-11-27T19:27:00.000+07:00

If people had to describe me in three words, I bet 75% of them would include some form of "awkward" in their description. I AM an awkward person, I feel awkward a lot, about really stupid things, and I also get some sort of sick joy in making others feel awkward.

When most people feel awkward, they can hide it, let it go and not let on what's going on in their head. Not me. While I am the master of escape in every other aspect of my life, one feeling I can't hide is when I feel awkward. My whole body expresses it by going rigid, my face becomes ashen and wide eyed. My demeanor completely changes, and despite my most valiant efforts to create the illusion of control, it's crystal clear to anyone in the vicinity that I am anything but.

I have several remedies (texting, pretending to talk on the phone, ignoring you, being a bitch, bragging about superficial things) that I thought had people fooled but it turns out that they are pitiful and transparent...

Against my better judgment I am am going to post a list of my awkwardness. I started compiling this list as a semi joke and as a dedication to @DUKEDYLAN but the more I wrote and thought about it, the more I realized how ridiculous I can be.

Things that make me feel awkward

1. Arriving somewhere first. I hate sitting alone at a bar or a table. This is why I strive to be tardy.

2. Getting a massage or any other beauty treatment in Vietnam. They get very up close and personal.

3. When someone is attracted to me and it’s not mutual. I never know what to do so I respond the only way I know. I hide.

4. When someone is attracted to me and it IS mutual. Just like in #3, I tend to hide or just ignore them completely.

5. Girlfriends of my good guy friends. I over compensate to prove I am not trying to seduce their man. (I never am)

6. Talking about money.

7. Meeting/Seeing someone in person when all/most prior interaction has been over email or social media. What do you say when there is no computer screen to protect you?

8. Asking someone to take a picture with me.

9. Wanting to go home while everyone is still out. Irish goodbye anyone?

10. Telling someone I am not satisfied with a service I am paying for. Example: I will lie and tell you I love the hair cut and go home and cry.

11. Asking a favor from a friend

12. Meeting new people. I am secretly pretty shy…and (apparently) can come off as steely or I just blurt out inappropriate things

13. Talking about feelings. I’ve been told (and I agree) that I am unusually reticent about expressing myself. Feelings make me feel vulnerable and when I feel vulnerable I shut down completely. Chances are, I will never tell you how I feel, and I doubt you’ll be able to guess it.

14. Having attention called to me in front of strangers that I will never see again. Example: I have forbidden my friends from having waiters bring out a cake and sing happy birthday to me at my birthday dinners. They do it anyway, and I turn bright red and hide myself in my hands or under the table.

15. Buying women’s products or contraceptives. I act like I am twelve years old and hide it at the bottom of my shopping basket and choose the line that’s the emptiest so no one can see what I am buying. Sometimes I circle the store until the checkout line is all clear

16. Public displays of anything. Don’t kiss me or hold my hand. Don’t pick a fight either. I won’t engage.

17. Wearing a bathing suit in public.

18. The moment right before I realize someone is going to kiss me. I duck my head, giggle, and sometimes make a run for the nearest cab. Or just babble about the stupidest thing imaginable. Sometimes I'll even say, 'I'm really not worth it. I am really bad at this. Just leave now" AWKWARD

19. Ordering at a restaurant. Especially if it’s family style. I can’t handle picking the wrong thing. In NYC I’d have to study the menu online before going out so I’d know what I wanted before I went.

20. Confrontation

21. If I am with someone who has bad manners

22. Receiving a compliment

23. Singing or dancing in public

24. When I am hanging out with new people who know of me

25. When people watch me do things, like apply make up or get dressed. I even have issues with people watching my pay for something, start my motorbike,or when I have to follow them.

Things that don’t make feel awkward that probably should:
1. Being friends with an ex or talking about an ex to a new guy

2. Hanging out with my ex and current boyfriend. Or double dating with an ex.

3. Over communicating. I think nothing of sending dozens of texts or emails. I may call you 11 times in one day. This is ok. But if you do it to me, I’ll complain that you’re a psycho stalker

4. Failing the cool test by casually letting it slip that I’ve been facebook stalking you. This includes recognizing someone from facebook and introducing myself citing our mutual friend.

5. Throwing cake :)

6. Oversharing

7. Discussing infectious diseases with people I just met. I have been known, on more than one occasion, to meet guys at a bar and spend the evening talking about HIV paranoia and prevention.

8. Asking a favor from someone I barely know.

9. My habit of talking out loud to myself. Sometimes in public.

10. The fact that I will text you while sitting next to you.

11. The countless pictures I take of myself. In public.

12. Laughing at inappropriate times. I am a “nervous laughter” and if you tell me about some incredibly traumatic event or if I see someone fall, I’ll laugh. It’s not out of malice, it’s just nerves…that being said, when the tables are turned and someone does it to me, I’m not so understanding.

13. Dropping incredibly flirtatious one liners to my friends little brothers, my boyfriends best friend or a good guy friend

14. The fact that I have a stuffed rhino that I pretend is real and who has his own facebook page

15. My drunken declarations via text, facebook, twitter, or email. The next morning, I delete all the evidence, and expect the recipient to do the same.

16. Bringing up awkwardness of others. I do this in a self preservation kind of way, to take the attention off of my incredible awkwardness

17. The fact that I watch the CW and love it. Also the fact that I watch romantic comedies and cry-no SOB-at the end of all of them.

18. Watch me at a place that is playing music. Most likely, I’m mouthing the words. I have a knack of knowing lyrics, even to crappy miley Cyrus, Britney spears and any other kind of trashy pop. (My repetoire is not limited though, I’m the same way with classic rock, rap and even some country)

19. Making plans with someone and totally flaking out on them

20. My detriments. The fact that I don’t know my right from my left or can’t put keys on a key ring doesn’t make me feel awkward at all. Nor does my

I'm hoping that publicly announcing these triggers will help me overcome them perhaps become a more normal person. That or just feel awkward that everyone knows my awkwardness.

Gobble Gobble You Up

2010-11-25T10:46:00.000+07:00

I'm going to say a blasphemous thing: I've never been one for Thanksgiving food. I know, sound the alarm and take me away in a straight jacket...I'm crazy. I just don't really like it the way everyone else does.

What I do enjoy though, is the meaning behind the holiday. I am not referring to the pillaging of the Indians who were the sole reason the Colonists survived, but more the modern day interpretation.

I like the fact that loved ones gather together for a positive reason, to reflect on how fortunate they are and that there are no presents involved. It really forces us to recognize the opportunities and advantages we are given, and how despite some turbulence in our lives, there is positivity and things worth being appreciative of.

We get so caught up in the have-nots, the "I wants", the "I wishes" etc that we don't look around and say, "This is what I HAVE. How lucky am I?" I am guilty of it myself, but am trying to make a conscious effort to focus on the good and see the world in a more rose colored way than thinking about all that's lacking from my life.

Moving out here as given me a great appreciation for life and the way I grew up and all of the opportunities that were handed to me. I took them for granted, accepting them like I was entitled to have since learned that I was not, and that everything that was bestowed upon me was, in fact, a precious gift.

Without seeming trite, I wanted to compile a small list of the things I am especially thankful for this year:

1. My family. The older I get and the more I'm exposed to, I realize how incredible my family is. I am the product of loving and wildly supportive parents (and family), parents who were a driving force behind my move out to Asia. Parents who always encouraged me, supported me both financially and emotionally, who truly instilled that my quest for happiness is one I should go on, that it's okay to deviate from the "normal path." Parents who are proud of me even in unexceptional times. And parents who I can count on for anything. My whole family is actually this way, and growing up in an environment where I felt incredibly loved is not a blessing I will ever take for granted.

2. My friends. When I moved to Hanoi, I panicked that I'd be missing out on life back home, that my friends would move on and forget about me. That, upon my return, I'd be irrelevant. In reality, this couldn't be further from the truth, as my friends in the US and Europe have shown me that being apart does not mean growing apart. Another joy in my life are the friends I've acquired here. People grow close very quickly out here, and while the relationships aren't as established, they are still solid. My friendships out here are what turned Hanoi into a home for me.

3. The life experiences I am accumulating while living out here. I hate to sound cliche, I really do, but removing myself from my old environment has given me a new perspective of the world, the people in it, and a major insight to myself.

4. The luxuries we usually take for granted. I've never thanked anyone for having running water and electricity. It's always been a given for me. I am not naive enough to believe that it's the norm for everyone. I've read and traveled enough to remote and developing countries to recognize that many people live without these "basic" amenities. However, it has struck a much deeper chord since I started LIVING in a country where these amenities are not always included in the locals lives. I've "suffered" blackouts and the water being turned off, and while I cursed and complained, it dawned on me that a LOT of people live EVERY DAY like this.

5. My health. Hypochondria aside, I am in good health (so far) My problems are trivial and I've never had a really worry.

Thanksgiving is an important to day to connect with family, friends, and our inner gratitude, however perhaps we should adopt the Thanksgiving mentality and apply it to our lives more often. To focus on what's good rather than obsessing over what's wrong, what we'd like to change. To think about the people in our lives who we adore and whose presence augment the good our world. To recognize the little things like running water, a stable job, health, the ability to travel as what they are...luxuries.

Happy Thanksgiving.

And Isn't It Ironic

2010-11-21T16:09:00.001+07:00

The irony isn't lost on me that less than thirty six hours after I publicly proclaimed my love of Hanoi something should happen to test that.

I had joined my two friends for a lovely evening at Son Tinh and the three of us had a wonderful time. I even sang a duet with one of the waitresses ("Because you loved me" by Celine Dion)I left the restaurant in a wonderful mood and big bouquet of flowers (not a result of my performance)

As I was driving I was doing two things: 1. singing "Because you loved me" out loud because it was stuck in my head 2. thinking about how I love driving after midnight because the streets are so calm.

Not even a mere block from my home is where the action happened. It came from nowhere, a felt a sharp tug at the purse on my shoulder as two Vietnamese youths were whizzing by. They didn't get my bag (which contained no cash anyway)but the jerk and movement caused me to slam to the ground followed by my bike. The flowers scattered everywhere. I screamed, an older gentleman rushed outside and began PICKING UP THE FLOWERS as I shakily and gingerly got my bike to my house. My wrist was in agony and I could already feel my knee swelling up. I managed to hold it together until I got into my house and once on the phone with my father the tough girl facade crumbled as I sobbed down the phone to him. I've always been a Daddy's girl. I don't think there is a man in the world who even comes close to my father in terms of quality and excellency. (This is part of the reason why in relationships my standards are so high and why I refuse to settle for anyone sub par or tolerate any kind of nonsense)

What I am upset about, is not the fact they tried to steal my purse. That kind of petty crime transpires worldwide. I actually believe Hanoi is extremely safe and that serious and violent crimes are not prevalent here. No, what bothers me is the manner in which my purse was targeted. I was DRIVING, THEY were driving at a high speed. It is almost inevitable that I would fall. And falling hurts, I could've been seriously injured. Luckily, i wasn't, i walked away with a very swollen and slightly fractured wrist and lots of bumps and bruises but nothing serious. but I learned something from this:

1. The realization that I do need and should get health insurance
2. A little bit more street smarts. My bag will no longer be thrown over my shoulder, and will not contain all of my credit cards
3. Irony is abound. This happened two days after I wrote my "I love you Hanoi" blog and the day after I started renting a motorbike, which is now damaged.
4. My brother really loves me. A lot.
5. This kind of thing results in lots of attention. Facebook and twitter generated the buzz and the wrapped wrist I am sporting immediately makes me the center of attention wherever I go. And we all know I like attention. ;)

In love, I don't like to play games nor do I like tests. Hanoi, I am very angry with you for trying to test my love like this. I am a very loyal person, I won't just walk away at the first sign of trouble. I haven't lost my faith. I'm in it for the long haul. If anything, my inclination to defend the city so ardently and rationalize the action only reaffirmed what I have slowly been realizing...I love this city. Truly, madly, deeply. For better or worse. Plus, I can now check "victim of attempted mugging" off my to-do list.

Come on Y'all Let's Take This Town

2010-11-16T11:38:00.001+07:00

When settling down in a city, whether it be for three months, three years, or three decades, it's evident that you will find the little nooks and crooks that make the city your HOME rather than just a place you visit. These little pieces of familiarity and tradition become ingrained in your very being and before you know it, you forget about the time when you first landed in your new city, unsure of what lay ahead and confused by your new surroundings.

Hanoi is no different, and while it may take some people longer to adjust to their new life here, it is filled with little things that make it livable and home.

When I was in the U.S. this summer I tried to explain to people why and what I loved the most about this city, but just like an inside joke between friends, it's difficult to comprehend unless you were there. You have to experience this place to fully grasp all it has to offer.

During a long walk through Central Park one late night, I managed to convince someone that Hanoi is a place to try out, enough so that they were enthusiastic to declare that they'd take the plunge and move here as well. Several months have passed and I decided I wanted to send a reminder email as a form of inspiration and incentive to keep the decision of emigrating to Hanoi alive.

As I was compiling my list of reasons (some serious and some personal-which i can't share-sorry!) I realized it would be a good blog post, so I asked some of my nearest and dearest in the city what they loved about this place and have compiled a working list.

REASONS TO LOVE LIVING IN HANOI (in no particular order, more the order the texts came in/I thought of things)
1. The Vietnamese people. Warm, friendly, hardworking.
2. Alcohol. Beer is 1 dollar, wine is $3-10, and mixed drinks you can get for $3 at most places.
3. Currency. There is something exhilarating about being able to not blink an eye when something costs two million. I drop 100,000 at the drop of a hat. It’s nice to be a millionaire. Also, if you're a frat boy you can get generate a lot of giggles from yourself from name of the currency, which for those of you who don’t know, is dong. Examples: "I've got a lot of Dong" “Do you want any dong?” (It never fails to amaze me how grown men never tire of this)
4. Work hours. Most ex-pats enjoy flexible work hours which means much more play time then work time, and definitely more free time then you’d get at home.
5. The food. I don’t even know how I can expand on this. I could write a whole blog just about the culinary experience that living here is. (I'd check out stickyinhanoi instead though)
6. Romance. (if you’re a guy) Hanoi has a lack of hot men, and an abundance of gorgeous women
7. Motorbikes. Living in Hanoi you get to unleash your inner badass because you will, without a doubt, need a motorbike. You will be scared of it at first, then get overly confident and probably crash. (Maybe that’s just me) It’s only a matter of time before if becomes second nature and you’ll become a much better and more confident driver overall (though it may take a while to re-adjust to western driving since there are actual rules involved) It’s also nice to be able to take motorbike trips. Finally, it’s a giant sense of self congratulations when you realize you can navigate and drive without getting lost or hurt. It’s like a daily accomplishment you can relish in.
8. Perfecting Charades. There is a language barrier which can be frustrating, but you can work around it by acting out what you want. The good news is, after living here, it’s doubtful your team at home will ever lose in charades again.
9. Charisma and Culture. Hanoi is full of it, from temples to winding roads to old buildings, this city is beautiful and charming and can make you feel like you’re stepping back in time but still a part of the future.
10. Customs. Sometimes they seem a little weird to us, but let’s face it, they probably think we’re crazy too. I personally adore living in a place with such strong rooted traditions and way of being. Hanoi has been around for 1000 years and is still flourishing. It is fascinating to see how it works here and what we can learn from them. That being said, can you please not park your motorbike in the middle of the intersection?
11. Xe Oms. Thrilling, exciting, they know where they’re going and it’s like an amusement park ride without the long lines.
12. Weekend Trips. While Vietnam has many amazing and beautiful cities that one can go on for a weekend trip, living here is also a great jump-off point for traveling throughout Asia. Weekend in Bangkok? Singapore? Shanghai? Hong Kong? No problem.
13. Gaining strong skills in adapting navigation-don't expect to walk on a sidewalk
14. Learning how to vocalize what you want...for example...if you want the bill, you must shout at your waitress. In the future, I bet you won’t be so shy about taking charge and going after what you want.
15. The pure elation that comes with saying a Vietnamese word or phrase and having a local understand you.
16. Learning humility. When a local shouts at you or gives you a dirty look after they hit you with their bike you will learn that this is actually your fault and you will accept it with grace and dignity.
17. Opportunity. There is an abundance of opportunity for people here, whether it be for professional or personal growth. (Example: It is the only place where a 20 something year old can begin their modeling career)
18. The arts scene. Hanoi has a great arts scene, the talent is immense and manages to blow me away each time. And there are no shortages of art galleries. Amazing ones.
19. Community. The expat community is small and tight knit, giving one a feeling of community and comfort of a small town while actually living in a capital city. (This can also be a negative, everyone knows everyone so if you mishap, then everyone knows. If you want to behave badly, I recommend hanging out with backpackers when you do it, they’ll be gone before you learn their name and they probably won’t remember anyway)
20. Being pale is attractive.
21. It is never boring. How can it be? Even crossing the street is undertaking an adventure.
22. It’s challenging and provocative, it will change you and force you to grow.
23. As it's a fast growing emerging market, there is no better or more exciting time to be here.
24. Perfecting negotiation skills. Bargaining is a part of daily life, and you will become adept at it. You will also learn the art of the perfect time to walk away, which can be applied to other aspects in life.
25. There is a street for everything. While I still don’t understand why this is the case, anything you need is readily available in Hanoi, but it’s all broken down by street. Toy street, underwear street, bedding street, FOOD street, computer street…the list goes on
26. Hot Topic. People back home automatically find you more interesting and worldly if you live out here. They will respect you and think you’re adventurous and exciting. You have good small talk at cocktail parties, because let’s face it, how much can you really talk about the weather? Your loved ones back home will also be very jealous of you and brag about you to others.
27. The people you meet while living as an expat are unlike the majority of those you'll come across at home. It takes a certain type of spirit to pack up and move to Asia, and so any stereotypes about nationalities must be disregarded. Most of the people I've met out here are educated, interesting, adventurous, and approach life with a fresh outlook.
28. It’s Yours. Moving here you can start over in a place where no one knows you. There are no preconceived notions, you can just be. For the first time ever, I feel like the life I am leading is mine.
29. The winters are not (that) cold
30. High standard of living at a low cost. You can find an incredible house, great gym, eat well and go out like a rockstar for a fraction of the cost it would be at home.
31. Exploration. Getting lost is fun in Hanoi. As is wandering. There are so many amazing walks to walk in this city. It may not be Central Park (smile) but there are spots that can rival it.
31. The tailors. Custom, high quality clothes designed for you.
32. Hanoi Cinematheque is just one of the many gems this city has to offer, and you wouldn’t know about it/them unless you lived here.
33. The tailors are exquisite. you can leave the most fashionable person with clothes designed specifically for you that are great quality.
34. The chaos has order. And between midnight and five am the city has a beautiful kind of calm.
35. You will learn who and what back home are really important.
36. The National celebrity is a Ho (I wasn't going to put this in but Viet's text made me laugh)
37. The pharmacies are great.
38. The New Hanoian. What other cities have a resource like this? Not many.
39. You never know when going for a bowl of pho will turn into a job offer
40. I’m here. What reason is better than that? :)

That's the list so far, but I think it will keep expanding. Thanks everyone for your help.

When you first arrive in Hanoi you're struck by the noise and chaos and wonder how anyone could live here, if YOU can live here. But it doesn't take long to see the beauty and magic this place has to offer, and once you do you're smitten and one of us.

PS-I hope you still want to move here :)

Jar of Hearts

2010-11-14T11:55:00.000+07:00

Hanoi is not the place for love. At least not if you're a woman. In fact, i can't think of many worse places to move to if ones goal is to meet a man and fall in love.

When I first moved here, I was in a four year relationship so this didn't bother me in the least. Over the course of my time here, my relationship ended and I found myself suddenly bothered by the lack of options and resources that this city can offer in terms of eligible men.

I found myself reaching out to ex boyfriends via skype so that i could maintain a level of attention and affection. I let myself develop "feelings" for guys out here that i normally never would because I simply didn't know how to live my life without a partner. I started having major panic attacks that I made a big mistake letting my incredible and perfect boyfriend go (Jax-I know you're reading this and I still think you're the most wonderful man. iwaly) I seriously thought that I'd move back to New York or London and be an old maid, that all the men would be taken and I'd be alone. It depressed me beyond belief.

I was just in Sapa and while on the long hikes and train rides I had a lot of time for self reflection and I started wondering why I was letting this bother me so much. Why I was allowing this fact define my happiness and who I am as a person. I look for happiness in all the wrong places and use security in a relationship to fix my insecurities. I realized how sad it is to be in this position. I should be confident and happy with who I am and not let a man or relationship affect that. relationships are supposed to enhance ones life, not define it. Once I stumbled upon this (incredibly obvious) revelation, I decided that I wanted to change.

That's easier said than done.

Very recently, I had a negative experience with a guy that I don't even care about...yet his caitiff behavior had a jarring effect on me. I was disquieted to the point where I almost let it affect and ruin my evening.

I think that's when the turning point occurred. As I was storming out of the bar I was at, determined to go home and lick my wounds, I suddenly stopped and thought, "Why am I going to let some miscreant (that I am phlegmatic towards) mar my evening?"
I turned around, walked back into the bar and genuinely had one of the best nights I have ever had in Hanoi.

The single, simple move of walking back inside had such a profound effect on me. It was the first time that I allowed myself to take control of the situation, to not let someone or something dictate how I was going to feel. I realized that I DO, in fact, have the power to create my own happiness and circumstances, and that all these years I've just been giving the reins to others. I've been letting people let me feel a certain way rather than being confident and secure enough to be the driver behind my destiny.

I've learned it's EASY to not care what people think, and I've wasted far too many hours concerned about something silly and pointless.

I also learned that I have been so busy putting an emphasis on the romantic relationships in my life that I haven't given enough value to the platonic ones. I am struck, on almost a daily basis, by how truly incredible my friends (both here and in the Western world) are. That, along the way, I have amassed a collection of supportive, loyal, kind and true friends, ones that I wouldn't trade for the world. My relationships with THEM are a huge part of what makes my time in Hanoi (or anywhere) so special. They have been an integral part of helping me see my value and worth and showing me that there's more to life than whether a guy is interested in me. They've given me the tools to build a new perspective, one oozing with confidence and the ability to see myself the way they/the world does. I am forever indebted and eternally grateful for them.

So I've revisted my stance on Hanoi, it's not the place for romance, but it is the place for love. Love of culture, food, experience. Love for the friends that I am learning and growing because of. And most importantly, Hanoi is the place that is teaching me to love myself.

See You At The Crossroads

2010-11-04T12:40:00.000+07:00

I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm going through a rough time. I have mentioned before my intense dislike of discussing my intimate feelings or weaknesses with people on account of the fact that I don't think people really want to be around a downer and also I hate feeling vulnerable and exposed. I don't like looking weak. I know that's ridiculous but I've always prided myself on being "together" and "in control" and immune to breakdowns.

A good friend sat me down about five years ago and explained to me that part of the benefit of having friends is for them to be there in the bad times as well as the good. He earnestly expressed a desire to be there for me because he cares. He reminded me that I am always there for my friends so I should feel comfortable turning the tables sometimes. He insisted that sometimes looking weak is a sign of strength. While I processed his words, and (kind of) believed them, I have still struggled with opening up to people and letting them in. I've gotten better at it but I'm still pretty closed off emotionally. Getting me to talk about feelings is an uphill battle (just ask anyone I've ever dated or been close to) For a various amount of reasons I can't really get into right now, I have insane trust issues and my remedy for them is just to not trust, to not open up and to keep things to myself.

I'm going somewhere with this rambling.

I've been in a funk lately, something is not quite right. I am not entirely sure that this is a new thing, to be honest, but it's just one that has been increasingly evident in the last few months. I just feel like I am at a stage where I have no idea what I want. I don't know what I am doing. I have no direction. I feel like the life i am living here is pretend, that i am going through the motions.That I am trying to prove something. i have been questioning why I am even still in Hanoi anymore.I don't feel happy or fulfilled. I don't want to come home because that would be failing and frankly I don't know what I'd do when I got there.

I am aware that these feelings are relatively normal, especially for one in their mid twenties. We are all trying to find ourselves and figure this crazy maze of life out. I know I'm not supposed to have all of the answers and that part of learning and growing is to try new things and fail. That we need to take the lows to appreciate the highs. That is is essentially called growing up. Knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier and living in Hanoi only heightens the sense of hysteria.

Hanoi, as wonderful as it is in so many ways, also has its fair share of drawbacks and lately I've been spiraling into them. It's isolating here, and can be very lonely, and despite having a strong network of good friends I can't really shake the feeling that I am ultimately alone here. I haven't really ever been alone before and it's freaking me out. Being here, I have all of this free time that I am not used to having and in it I have found that I've become overly analytical. I think way too much about things that are really stupid. I stress out and worry in ways I never used to. I find that being here alone is making me think and act in ways I don't like and feel like at times, I am going crazy. (Some of my recent actions might even back up this theory)

AS I mentioned earlier, this may not be a new problem. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not. I left NYC and my life there for an adventure-sure-but also because I didn't feel fulfilled there either. I wanted something more and just wasn't sure what it was. I guess I naively thought a change of scenery would make everything crystal clear but it hasn't. Maybe moving here, although it's kind of driving my insane, is a good thing. Maybe I needed the time to think and face the things I spent time running away from and avoiding in NYC. Or maybe not.

I know I sound awful right now. There are people with real problems in the world. I am luckier than most. Maybe that's another issue, that I'm used to everything in my life being perfect and easy and it hasn't been likely and I am having issues coping.

I know I have options. I can always move home and return to the safe comfortable world I left behind. I can stick it out here and see if it subsides and transitions into something better. Right now I am leaning towards the latter. Exploring other career options to challenge and excite me, keeping myself inhumanly busy, and of course leaning on my friends.

Dirty Little Secret

2010-10-28T17:08:00.000+07:00

I haven't sleeping much lately. My usual routine of 7-10 hours has diminished into between 4-6 a night. Or at least on work nights. Every morning when my alarm pierces through my skull at 6:15 am, I SWEAR to myself that tonight will be different, that I'll be responsible. I always fail.

You're probably wondering what I'm doing until the wee hours of the morning. What activity could be incredible enough for me to sacrifice my prized slumber for? If I told you that I was going out and partying like crazy and having a great time but that would be a lie. I'd like to tell you that Rodrigo Santoro FINALLY found me and relocated to Hanoi that we've spent the nights ...well anyway, that would be a lie too. The truth is much less exciting, in fact, it's completely pathetic.

I've been watching shows online.

My roommate told me about sidereel.com and surfthechannel.com and I have become completely obsessed. I find a show that I saw once or twice in the US and I then proceed to watch the entire series. I am practically glued to my computer screen and impossible to get in touch with when this is happening. I have found myself making excuses for social gatherings or avoiding phone calls from PEOPLE AT HOME so that I can stay in and get through Season One of Vampire Diaries or White Collar. When my roommates make conversation in the kitchen I am mentally thinking of how to extract myself without seeming like a weirdo so I can get back to my show. I am late for tutoring jobs because I can't miss the last seven minutes. I spend my days off basically barricaded in my room emerging only to eat and at breaks. Megavideo (the site I watch most of the shows on) has a rule where you can only watch 72 minutes at a time and then you need a 54 minute "break." It is during these breaks that I am a semi normal and functioning human being. These breaks are when I allow myself to: eat, clean my room, shower, and check my phone. After those 54 minutes I am back in my trance.If a "break" comes in the middle of an episode I REFUSE to go on with my life until I've seen the rest of the episode, even if it's midnight on a work night. I'll wait up those 54 minutes and watch the show...guaranteeing that I am comatose the next day.

Once I've chosen a tv show, I realize I have about 30 episodes to get through and this is rather daunting but I still tackle it with gumption. I watch the episodes at an abnromal rate, with little self control, I HAVE to know what happens. i don't HAVe to wait until next week like most people. The sad thing is, that when I get to the final episode (or the most up to date) I panic a little. I don't know what to do anymore. Where are the hours going to go? The possibilities are endless.

The craziest thing about this is that I've never been much of a tv watcher. I was the girl who was given a special reading list every year because I'd already read everything on the required reading list. To this day, I am still a voracious reader... when I'm in the middle of a good book don't even try to hold a conversation with me or expect to hear from me until I'm finished.

My parents always supported my love of books (whose wouldn't...apart from Matilda's)and I can honestly say that TV never really interested me. Books are just so much better. I had my occasional shows but most of the time it was because someone I was around or living with was watching the show. In high school, college and New York I would maybe switch on the tv once a week, if at all. I still haven't turned on the tv at my house in Hanoi except to watch a dvd yet I spend many mindless hours glued to my computer like a schizoid.

I'm not sure what the solution to this problem is, or why it's even a problem to begin with. This isn't me. I don't like tv. I'm not antisocial. I don't avoid communication. I thought about it and realized that there are many "quiet nights" in Hanoi and there some nights that i don't want to go out and party, or even when I do go out I still get home early and when late night skype doesn't work I look for other alternatives. A movie is too much of a commitment at 1am but a tv show is not. Then I get sucked in.

My latest series infatuation is almost up to date (I actually got so fed up with the "breaks" that I just read episode recaps) and after that I am going to do my best to walk away from the endless hours of channel surfing. I am going to put myself on a strict regime. I'm going to get 8-10 hours of sleep. I'm going to answer if you call.

Unless I'm reading a book. :)

When I Was Down I Was Kicked

2010-10-26T12:11:00.000+07:00

From a very young age, it was apparent that I was not a girly girl. I am simply not blessed with the graceful gene. I was always the most awkward in my ballet classes and when I took part in cotillion ballroom classes, I am pretty sure my partners had to withstand the agony of patent leather Mary Jane's crushing their toes.

My lack of fine motor skills have always been a constant source of entertainment. My friends always laughed at my clumsiness, even counting the amount of times I tripped over a flat sidewalk while walking.

Flash forward to present day and not much has changed. I am still extremely clumsy, crashing into things, falling, dropping things, tripping, slipping in the shower etc. To this day, I have been unable to keep my body devoid of at least one bruise or scratch. The only injury I have managed to avoid is one that was inflicted by another person.

That was until I became a teacher.

I have always refrained from discussing work on my blog. It's not that I don't have plenty to say, and a plethora of stories to share, however, I feel that it is unprofessional to do so. However, today I am breaking my silence.

Disciplining students is always a challenging task, one wants to be tough but fair, kind but strong and I've found that doing so in my current environment is a near impossible task. You see, at my school, we are not allowed to enact the normal methods of discipline. We aren't allowed to "deal" with unruly students by the conventional methods (detention, sending them to the principal's office, throwing them out of class etc) We are, instead, supposed to reason with the student, talk softly to them and ask them why they are behaving the way they are. I am not saying that opening the lines of communication is a bad thing. I actually think it can be an effective method, however in some cases it's simply not enough.

At my school, we have a stamp system. At the end of each lesson, we present the students with stamps that they have earned for a job well done. I have started not taking the blanket approach to this ("Everyone gets three stamps!") but instead allotting stamps to students in a merit based fashion. If they pay attention and are well behaved they get the highest amount possible, if they talk or are disruptive or uncooperative they receive less than their peers. I feel like this approach is fair and serves as an incentive for the students to try harder next time.

Today in my first class, I had a student (who will be referred to as Student X)who was sullen, uncooperative and unresponsive. I tried to coax Student X into participating and when that didn't work, informed Student X that this behavior would result in a loss of stamps to which the student simply glared at me. "Ok,"I thought,Student X doesn't care so neither do I.

When it came time to distribute stamps, I went around telling the students what they had earned, and only gave one stamp to Student X, thinking that this was actually quite generous. When I next looked at Student X, I noticed that they were crying. I decided to approach the student to let them know why I had decided this and that it wasn't personal, just reflective of this one classes performance.

Student X began to shout at me in a very hostile manner, to which I responded in a calm, soothing voice. Student X then began to kick me several times. I buffered the kicks, held on to X's leg so they they couldn't kick me again and kept trying to explain. Student X didn't like this. X responded by jumping up and shoving the desk which knocked me over. I got up, shaken and a bit frightened yet trying to retain my composure. Student X then picked up the desk and threw it at me, while screaming hysterically. The class looked on horrified. Student X picked up their pencil case and began hurling the contents at me, including the pencil case itself. At one point, the student grabbed my wrist and twisted it.

It was at this point, that I decided the safest and most logical thing to do would be to walk away. To explain the situation to the classroom teacher in the hopes that it could be smoothed over. I did my best to keep my cool but walked out feeling a combination of fear, anger, frustration and shock.

I wish I could say that this was an isolated incident. That a student has never attacked me or behaved violently before. But that would be a lie. I also wish that I could say I felt like I had support from my employers in this situation, that the students would be properly reprimanded and that I felt like it would never happen again but that also wouldn't be true.

The only take away I am getting from this is an additional set of bruises from a source they've never come from before.

Street Fighter: The Cat Edition

2010-10-21T13:25:00.000+07:00

I grew up with cats, am a responsible person, and had a mouse problem. These three items made it evident that a cat is what I needed in my life.

We adopted Maya about a month ago and let's just say it isn't exactly what I expected.
The cat has brought a whole level of crazy to the house. First of all it's like having a baby. She wakes me up early every morning by meowing loudly at my door. She also enjoys to do this around bedtime. The rest of the day she is happily silent.

Secondly, she has brought all of these unwanted visitors. I thought the whole point of the cat was to keep things out not let them in. But no, the crazy street cat from outside has discovered Maya's presence and comes into the house around 2am every night to get food or mate or fight, i don't know...but without fail for a solid two weeks, this cat would come through a tiny upstairs window and I'd wake up to a screeching match going on outside my bedroom door. Lovely. Have you ever heard a cat fight? it's scary. It'd groggily open my door and clap my hands until I saw the other cat run away and Maya would run into my room. I tried to deter the street cat by putting vinegar and pepper on the windowsill. It didn't work. Finally I called my landlord and he fixed the problem.

Another morning, I woke up to the kitchen in complete disarray...fish food knocked over and all over the floor, the dry cat food box chewed through and with bits everywhere...but more disturbingly the wet food (in aluminum) was shredded to pieces...which is clearly evidence of a rat. In her defense, I guess maya discovered him because their were paw prints all over the table but these kinds of things, along with yesterdays incident is making it hard for me to say I am still 100% happy with this cat thing.

I'm sure as time goes on she'll settle, and the street fights will end and maybe I'll never see a critter again.

This is all part of my becoming an adult thing, I guess.

Big Girls Don't Cry

2010-10-20T08:12:00.000+07:00

When I decided to move to Southeast Asia, I knew that my life would be different. Let's be serious, any time one decides to move ANYWHERE, life is different. When moving, we give up the security of what we know. We give up our routines, our friends, and our comfort zones. These are, of course, replaced by new routines, new friends and building a new life that we will, in time, feel comfortable with. No matter where we are in the world, we ultimately want and need the same things, and usually do what we can to get them.

Leaving our comfort zone pushes us in ways we didn't know we could be pushed and shows us that we are, in fact, capable of things we previously claimed we weren't. Take this morning, for instance. I was sitting in the kitchen, having my breakfast and drinking my tea when I looked over to the fish bowl. I noticed some movement that usually isn't there. Upon further inspection I realized that there was a LIVE MOUSE in the fish bowl swimming for its dear life.

My first reaction was to freak out. Not loudly or dramatically, but in my mind. I started walking up the stairs to ask my roommate to fix the problem. I then thought, no, that i had to do it myself. I walked up and down the stairs about three times before I got the fish net, scooped out the mouse, and flung it off of our balcony. I confess that I was shuddering and saying, "Oh my gosh...ew" the whole time but the point is that I did it.

One thing I have learned from being out here is that I am an adult, and I am going to have to do things I don't like. That I can't expect everyone to do the dirty work for me. That I won't die if I have to change the kitty litter or fish out mice. The old Alice, was a master of deflecting insalubrious duties to others. Every time there was something I didn't want to do, I'd pitifully whine and pout and demand that someone else fixes it. They always did, and while I appreciate that (thanks for making my life more pleasant!) I am not sure it taught me the right lessons.

Life is not just about coasting through and only experiencing the nice and fun things. Sometimes we have to deal with the nitty gritty and the gross, it builds character.

As lame as it sounds, I find that I constantly surprise myself over here by tackling tasks that I'd normally run away screaming from. I do it because I have to but it makes me feel like I'm growing up and realize that I'm not helpless and useless but can, in fact, deal with things that I don't like.

Whether or not this mentality will stick when I return stateside (whenever that is)I don't know. However it's nice to know when it really comes down to it, I can do it.

Thang Long Chaotic

2010-10-02T15:53:00.000+07:00

Hanoi is always bustling. Making your way down the street, whether by foot or motorbike is a process that requires exceptional navigational skills and alertness. You ever know when you’ll have to dodge someone down the wrong side of the road or simply stopping without rhyme or reason. I often find myself breathing a sigh of relief and mentally patting myself on the back when I’ve reached by destination successfully and in one piece.

I thought I was used to the traffic and craziness here. I had gotten to the point where I felt like nothing I could see here would surprise or shock me anymore. I wouldn’t say I am oblivious to it, but have merely accepted the way of life here and look at wide eyed tourists with amusement as they nervously plan the best way to cross the street.

That was before Thang Long.

For those of you who aren’t engulfed in the Vietnam culture, Thang Long is the 1000th year celebration of Hanoi. When I first found out that I’d be living here during this time, I called my parents and told them how cool it was, how exciting. Being a major history buff and nerd, I was relishing in the fact that I’d be right in the middle of the action, That a phenomenal piece of history was right on my doorstep. While I anticipated celebrations and commemorations to take place, I was (and still am) completely unaware of what the ten day festivities would entail.

It started with the lights. The last two weeks in September the roads became more and more lit up as strings of lanterns in all shapes and colors were hung up. Some people find it cheesy but I think it’s beautiful. It reminded me of New York City at Christmastime. The cold month of December was always miserable and made me grumpy until I walked down 5th Avenue and saw all of the stores lit up with a majestic glow. It is impossible to miss and even more impossible to not feel affected by it. My grumbling slowly turned into excitement and inevitably my Scrooge-ness was replaced by holiday cheer. Hanoi is no different, and each night as I drove home, a new batch had cropped up and I, like so many Vietnamese, ooohed and ahhed at the glow. (I spent a few evenings trying to capture the essence of it all but found that I failed due to my amateur photography skills and my point and go camera.)

The lights should have been a gentle prelude to the madness to come but I guess I am naïve. I underestimated Hanoi’s ability to party and turn more chaotic. I started noticing that my twenty-five minute drove from West Lake to Old Quarter (where I live) was getting longer and longer. The streets got more and more crowded by people enjoying the lights, walking around the monuments and coming into the center of town to engage in their own forms of celebrations complete with flags, dragons, music, parades and stopping their motorbikes in the middle of the road and taking pictures.
I found quickly that my life is going to drastically alter during this time:
1. I will not be able to drive anywhere. Nor do I want to
2. It will take me quadruple the time to get anywhere
3. I may not be able to leave the OQ area because so many streets will be blocked off, and when they're not blocked off the traffic is so jammed it's not even worth it.
4. There are more people the I have ever seen gathered in a confined area, and that confined area is in front of my doorstep

Once again, I am awestruck by the pride the wonderful Vietnamese have for their country. Their sense of nationalism is unlike anything I’ve seen anywhere and I love it. I am enjoying the buzz and the energy of being here and drinking in the experience....that being said, I’m looking forward to my commute dwindling back down to twenty five minutes instead of an hour (or longer) and getting the streets around my house getting back to “normal.”

Second Chances

2010-09-21T15:04:00.000+07:00

I have a confession to make. I was horribly, horribly depressed upon returning to Hanoi. My first weekend was ok, because it was the excitement of seeing everyone again and them being excited to see me that kept my adrenaline jumping, but after that wore off I sunk in to a state of deep despair.

Despite my presence on twitter and in the blog world, I consider myself to be a strangely private person...I rarely tend to discuss my emotions or "put myself out there" so I spent my days of gloom essentially locked in my bedroom avoiding the outside world. I've always figured that no one really wants to hear your problems anyway, especially when your problem is largely a case of self pity, which mine was. It all started going downhill when I was at a party and I realized that I knew a lot less people than I thought. This happens in the expat world, because people come and go. I seem to have a knack of choosing friends who are here for the short term instead of seeking out the expats who've established a life for themselves here. I spent the entire evening thinking about my friends who left, the ones who are planning to leave and doubting whether I'd be able to find more friends. I'm actually pretty shy by nature and don't often initiative conversation or contact.

So I literally spent 36 hours feeling sorry for myself, refusing to go out, canceling all of my plans and leaving emails and texts unreturned. a Real joy. But as I said, I hate "sharing" or forcing my grumpiness on others. I was convinced that I had made the wrong decision to return to Hanoi. That my life, was in fact, in New York, and that's where I should be. I wondered countless times why I would leave something so incredible and what I was thinking coming here.

However, at some point without my realizing it, Hanoi won me over again. Its navigating through the windy and overcrowded streets didn't make me feel anxious and angry but comfortable and content. Being shouted at by ze om drivers stopped irritating me and I started to absorb everything that was going on around me. All the Hanoi has to offer, from culinary delights to culture, or the melting pot of people that bring different perspectives, it's eccentric charm that can leave one frustrated and exhilarated at the same time. Fighting over how much something costs, playing charades to explain what you want, shooing away an overfriendly ze om drivers hand on your leg (does anyone else have to deal with that?) are all par for the course, things I've come to expect and and enjoy. That somehow, somewhere all of the things that make Hanoi chaotic and stressful are the things that make me love it the most, and establish why it is that I came back.

And This Ain't No Place For the Weary Kind

2010-09-10T09:58:00.000+07:00

Transitioning back into "work mode" after six weeks of frolicking around is no simple task, especially when having to adjust to a different culture as well. The process was two fold but I survived my first week back at work but not without a few bumps along the way but I survived my first week back at work )however not without a few bumps along the way.)

My first day back, I woke up feeling fresh and relatively ready to go...but it wasn't long before my first mishap occurred. Early into my thirty five minute drive to school, I discovered the front wheel of my bike was flat. I had thought the bike was driving oddly but thought maybe because it was a bike I'm not used to(I'm borrowing my friend since he isn't using it)

Upon making the discovery, I realized that I had very limited options. I could ditch the bike somewhere and take a xe om but feared that it wouldn't be there when I returned for it. I was going to drop it at a friends house along the way and retrieve it later in the afternoon but his gate was locked. So I did the only thing I could...I drove on it...all the way to My Dinh. It was bumpy and shaky and slow and every three seconds a Vietnamese person would shout at me about my flat tire. I kept pushing myself forward in my head..."Ok Alice, almost at the Daewoo...ok Alice at the roundabout....ok Alice at the bridge." I had concluded that I'd drop the bike off at the gas station near work and then just walk from there, which I did. I arrived at work at a reasonable time considering...but gross and drenched in sweat with the thought that this MUST be a bad omen.

In terms of work, I think I managed to forge through without too many blunders but, per usual, I was subjected to an inexplicable act of assault from one of my students who thought that my shin looked like a good target for kicking practice. I wish i could say this was an isolated incident but unfortunately, it occurs on an almost weekly basis. for a disciplinary standpoint, I'm not allowed to do anything other than reason with the student which, as you can imagine is wildly unsuccessful.

Apart from that, everything is seeming to fall back into place. I've embraced my way of life that includes twelve hour work days leaving me almost comatose with exhaustion upon arriving home each evening. I should be used to this pace of life having lived and worked in NYC for as long as I did, but this is a completely different level of draining. One that I am learning a lot form but don't think I could keep up in the long term.

Before I left Hanoi this summer, I'd established quite the work-life balance (aka burning the candle at both ends) which i haven't been able to adopt just yet. I'm still working on that. I can't express how wonderful it is to know that my official "work week" is over on Thursday and that I can use the weekend to recharge, relax and restore whatever sanity I have left.

Welcome back.

Are You my Soul Mate? Cause If So...You're a Blessing

2010-09-08T00:14:00.000+07:00

I was having a conversation the other day with someone who claimed it was easy to figure out what people wanted, that all you had to do is listen to what they say. Seems like an obvious statement yet so many fail at being able to comprehend what makes those around them tick. Intrigued, I asked him what he thought I wanted and without hesitation he replied with “a soul mate.”

I’ve never denied that I am indeed a hopeless romantic but I had no idea I was that transparent (especially not to someone who only knew me a mere matter of hours). I admit that I’ve never hid the fact that my ultimate life desire is to find the person who makes the world make sense, who would be able to make me stop all my antics and just be. I am not saying I actively seek this person out, not at all. In fact, I truly believe that finding this person is by sheer circumstance of timing, luck and compatibility. It can’t be sought, rather than discovered. However, I read this quote the other day:

“People think your soul mate is your perfect fit and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet because they'll tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it”

After reading this quote my whole perception of what a soul mate is changed. Maybe I had gotten it all wrong. Maybe this quote is right, that to be “complete” we don’t need someone who matches us but someone who compels us to complete ourselves. With this mentality, though, does that mean we can have more than one soul mate? That perhaps we have several that come in and out of our lives, changes us and then leaves us a more astute person? Does the soul mate have to be a romantic partnership or can it be in the form of a friend, colleague or mentor? I’m inclined to believe that we learn more from people we’re in love with because we all have an aching need to fulfill those we adore in the way we want to fulfill us.

If the above quote is true than I can safely say that around six months ago, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon my soul mate (or at least one of them) someone who enchanted and infuriated me at the same time. Someone who called me out on all of my ridiculousness, who forced me to face my flaws with grace and maturity (while expecting to embrace my attributes), someone who wasn’t afraid to tell me when I was wrong and what I needed to do to become a better person. Someone who made me WANT to become a better person. It’s never easy to have all of your defenses stripped down and shown a picture of yourself that the world sees, rather than the one you idealistically paint for yourself, but I think it was the most important discovery I’ve made. On top of many things that I realized about myself, it was the first time I’ve ever been made to feel truly accountable for myself and my actions. I hated it and loved it with an equal passion but can confirm it’s one of the relationships I’ve ever had in my life that’s had the most impact. It changed me and continues to do so to this day.

Just as the above quote predicted, certain elements of the relationship had to fizzle out, but it never completely imploded (his words) and from an intellectual standpoint the connection is as strong as ever. I am lucky enough to have walked away relatively unscathed, having learned a lot about myself, about relationships and about life. I also left with a real friendship, one that allows me to continue to explore dimensions of my personality and self I had refused to encounter before.

If I decide to embrace the above quote then there are two things I have to accept: 1. that I’ve accomplished a life goal, since I found my soul mate and 2. whoever I end up with in the long term is, I fact, not my soul mate but just someone that I love, am compatible with and am able to sustain a mutually beneficial connection with. This is a little bit jarring to my “hopeless romantic” and “idealistic” outlook on life and love. It goes against everything I’ve ever believed in and aspired but it made me think. So I’ve taken certain elements of the quote and applied them into a new way of thinking however, I don’t think my former vision will completely dissipate, I doubt I’ll ever be a realist. I like romance too much, and the above quote quells any notion of true romance. I want to keep grasping on to this idea that our soul mate is our other half, the missing piece to a complex puzzle, the person we’re end up with, not someone who leaves when the work is done. I won’t discount that verity of the quote, since, as I mentioned above, I found a form of soul mate that came with an experience that I value above many other things…but at the same time I think I’ll hold onto the fairytale notion until proven completely otherwise

Tangled Up in Blue

2010-09-05T14:30:00.000+07:00

Every time I land at Noi Bai airport I am struck with the same realization Oh my gosh, I live in Vietnam. Really, you'd think I'd be used to it by now but the concept of it, at times, is still an abstract novelty. By now, I am able to navigate the chaotic streets with relative ease but the fact that I'm living this bizarre yet incredible life is not lost on me.

As I mentioned previously, it was very difficult for me to leave home this time. I thought it would be easy and painless, and was surprised in fact to find how easily I morphed back into a "New York state of mind" during my six week stint there, I really felt that i had progressed so much since moving here, that New York was great but that it was nothing compared to my adventures here.

I'm still "New York sick" but found that once I was in a cab heading home (laughing at the fact that my only "real" address these days is in Vietnam) that it was like I never left. Almost. I unpacked all of my things, and within hours I was immersed back into the Hanoi scene. It's kind of incredible to me that in 36 hours I am seamlessly able to transition from having drinks on the roof of the Soho House to eating street food and listening to music at Cinematheque.

Two solid days later, I've fallen back into my old routine. Same friends. Same habits. Same bars. The only thing that's different is me. When I left for vacation I was convinced that I wasn't ready to be a US resident for a while and this trip made me question that, so I am still pining a little bit for home. However, I have a feeling in the weeks to come (which will surely include several bowls of stellar pho) that the gnaw will dull and I'll be imagining how I could ever go back to NYC.

Leaving New York, Never Easy

2010-09-03T01:21:00.000+07:00

Just when I thought I was getting good at goodbyes and moving on, I regressed. Standing in Alex's apartment surrounded by my luggage, already running four minutes late, I broke into sobs declaring that I didn't want to go back to Asia, that I belonged in New York.

I can attribute this little breakdown to a combination of severe sleep deprivation coupled with the realization that I'd once again be leaving the comfort zone which I had allowed myself to slip so easily back into, the one that allows me to be near my family and with all of my best friends, living out our lives together rather than digitally explaining what's been going on.

This is a far cry from my last post, I know. And while I can sincerely say that I meant everything I wrote last time, that it was a bit naive of me to think that spending six glorious weeks in my former life would have no emotional repercussions. I know I am happy in Hanoi, that I have things there I have/want to get done, but it was much harder saying goodbye to NYC and the US then i thought it would be.

I also blame my slight regression on my friends and family who are simply wonderful. Every moment spent with them was a reminder of why I am a truly lucky and blessed person. With them I am able to completely be myself and there is never a dull moment. Things aren't perfect-I was kicked out of an apartment, verbally abused via bbm, and had moments of drunken ridiculousness but those moments were all countered by every thing else. I wish I could write down all of the crazy antics that occurred while I was in the US-I covered San Fran, Florida was just FAMILY, BEACH, BOOKS, MOVIES, and Wender.

Every night out in New York with my friends results in the kind of story that we tell for years to come. It's never dull, always crazy (for better or for worse)it's hectic, exhilarating, and exactly how i remember it. I think that's the best part-that despite being gone for seven months, that I was just able to slip back into the routine like i never left. That to me, is the sign of solid friendships. I'm looking forward to my next return.

Meanwhile it's 4:30 am in my hotel room in Tokyo. I arrived at 2pm, finally got through customs and my bag around 3 and was going to check into my hotel and explore Tokyo. i am embarrassed to say that the past few extremely late nights coupled with a 12 hour flight caught up with me and I didn't leave my room. The lure of a hot bath (which was amazing aside from the tub being a little small for my 5'10 frame)and a soft fluffy bed won over the bright lights and bustle of Japan's capital.

Next time. In the meantime, I should try and go back to sleep...I'm going home tomorrow :)

Tomorrow'll Say If You're Lost and Found

2010-08-30T20:31:00.000+07:00

Since being home in the US, I have been inundated with questions about my life as an ex-pat. When am I coming back? Why do I like it? What's my favorite thing? These are challenging questions for me to answer...partially because I don't really have an answer. I don't know when I am coming back, and I find it impossible to put into words what makes my experience so fulfilling and enjoyable. The other tricky bit is discerning between the people who are genuinely interested vs the ones who can't understand why I'd ever leave. My answer to these questions tend to sound like this: "Because I like it there" or "It's an interesting experience."

Maybe this is because I really don't know to explain my existence over in Asia. I know that I am learning something new and great by being over there, but I'm not exactly sure what it is. Some could say I'm learning how to be independent, or living outside of my comfort zone. Yet, each time I try and think about what it is I'm getting out of my experience as an ex-pat my answer changes. I am meeting interesting people and traveling to exciting places, yes, without a doubt. I am gaining a sort of inner confidence and sense of self that I never had before as well. I've come much more accustomed to seeing the world from different angles than I had before but none of these really pinpoint what it is that I am "getting out of" my ex-patriate lifestyle.

The best way I could describe it is that I have learned that there is no such thing as normal, or the "right path." That even though it's drilled into our heads by society, or our families or whatever that we grow up, get good grades, behave with propriety, go to a good college and move out of our house, get a good job, build a career, become financially independent, fall in love, get married, have children etc that it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Everyone is different and sometimes we have to dare to dream, dare to take a walk on the wild side, to search for our passion.

I can't tell you the countless hours I spent stressing that I 'didn't know what i wanted." I had no clue while I was living in NYC, and I still don't. However, since moving to Asia, I've stopped worrying about it. I watch as my friends get promoted, married, or engaged and I no longer feel the panic I once felt. I realize that success is not defined by these acts of "following the path" but more so, how we feel about ourselves. How we feel we are living our lives. I feel more successful teaching in Asia than I ever did as a PR exec living in NYC...not because it's a life goal necessarily, but because I feel happy, content and in control of my own destiny. I don't feel like I am doing something just because I am supposed to be.

People think it's weird that I gave up a great life here. Some have tried to understand by telling me that they read "Eat.Pray.Love" and thought of me. I heard this statement enough that i decided to pick up the book and I guess I sort of see it. On paper, the author had it all, but something was missing and she went searching for it. Now I can tell you that other than that basic theme, our stories aren't very similar.

Living in Asia has changed my perspective on so many things. I still love NYC and the life I have/had here, but I need, for my own sanity and personal growth to keep wandering down this other "path" to acheive what it is that I want out of life (whwich, by the way i'm still unsure of.)I don't want to have it all figured out yet, because to tell you the truth I like being blown away by all the new things I discover and learn about myself. It sounds cheesy and extremely generic to say all this, but I can't tell you how true it is, and how inspired I've felt since I made the decision to break away from the mold and do something against the grain.

Some may feel that I "gave up" a career in PR, fantastic friends, and a serious relationship, but don't feel like I've lost anything...I can get another PR job, my friends still love me, I'm pretty sure I'll love again and for the first time I'm not freaking out about the unknown. I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

2010-08-10T07:10:00.000+07:00

I'm still in a state of shock when a goof friend of mine gets married. I am always really happy for them, of course, but it's like I can't believe it's actually happening. I don't feel old or mature enough to be in a position to commit the rest of my life to someone. Throughout my college career, I lived/blocked with sixteen girls and an ASTOUNDING 7 are married (1 with a baby and 1 pregnant) and 2 are engaged leaving the single ones in the minority. A fact that I am completely ok with, yet still causes me to question whether or not I am normal.

Even dating someone for four years I still never felt close enough to settle down and be an adult. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe that's part of the reason that I took off to Asia, because over there, the sense of responsibility and duty seems to be non existent. Everyone there is more concerned with their own personal mission and growth and appears to shun the formality and institution of marriage. Living in NYC with my perfect boyfriend had my head spinning, i constantly would wonder why I didn't have the marriage itch, whether he was the one, ad when I'd be "ready"...I truly believed if I had stayed in NYC we would've gotten engaged in the next year or so, not because either of us would've been ready or prepared for taking that next step but because it would've seemed like the obvious next move. Since moving to Asia, my brain isn't even programmed to think in those terms. I have become so completely selfish, so absorbed in the pursuit of my own happiness that i can't imagine being responsible for contributing to someone elses. I don't worry that I'll never settle down or that I'm getting old or that maybe I should grow up, I'm too busy enjoying life.

Anyway, that was a long rampage intro to my amazing weekend in Sonoma, where some of my best friends from BC all gathered to celebrate our former roommate, Annie, marry the perfect guy for her (who we all adore as well). It was a perfect weekend, because not only was I able to see some of the people i love the most in the world after seven months of being away, but I was also able to do fun things like go wine tasting and be in a stunning location to celebrate the happiest day for my good friend Annie.

The setting was perfect, on a vineyard, beautifully decorated and free flowing wine that kept us all dancing late into the night. As i watched these two soulmates join together in their life together, I felt a combination of sheer joy for them and panic that (as I mentioned before) I don't know if I will ever be in the mindset. What if I'm alone forever? These, I think, are semi normal thoughts when you're single at a wedding with no obvious prospects. What bothers me the most though, is that 99% of the time i do't care, it's just th !% of the time when I feel like I should care that i get upset.

Anyway, Annie's wedding was beautiful, we all had fun ad are very happy for her. She deserves nothing but the bext. My other good friend and college roommate, Diana also got married on the same day and I was seriously depressed that i couldn't slice myself in half and be at both places so i could've toasted them both.

Congrats to you both. I'll join you in the ranks of martial bliss one day. We all know that I am a complete and utter sucker for love. I want nothing more than to be head over heels. I am a hopeless romantic and believe i soulmates and can't wait to get to a place where my whole life is intertwined with another. It just hasn't gotten there yet. I clearly have a lot of growing up to do...so until the i'll be runing wild all over Southeast Asia.

On a side note, my taste in music has drastically declined since coming back to to the US. Here's what is on repeat on my playlist
1. Just the Way you Are-Bruno mars (this is my new favorite love song, and think anyone interested in dating me should play this or send me the lyrics)
2. EMINEM's "RECOVERY" ALBUM which is so amazing. especially the songs: Seduction, So Bad, Space Bound, and Not Afraid.
3. If it's love-Train
4. I like it-Enrique Igeleseas
5. Ridin Solo-Jason Derulo
6. Illusions of bliss- sarah McLaughlan
7. Jeff Buckley's "Grace" cd
8-My First Kiss-3Oh!3

ps-Viet, I told your rhyming joke. I gave you credit

If You Only Knew...What I Went Through Just to Get to You

2010-08-04T05:22:00.000+07:00

I am not going to blog about Bali. Not that I have nothing to say about it, there is plenty to say, but I just don't feel blogging about it.

I arrived in Florida at 2pm On Thursday July 29th (EST) but it was quite an ordeal getting me here. There were many moments that i thought I wouldn't make it here.

Moments
1. My wonderful and generous parents were kind enough to use miles to get me from Hanoi to NYC. Above and beyind and extremely appreciated. However, they used the miles through a partner airline and never received the confirmation from the airline. Apparently the airline needs to 'release: the info to the partner airline and I was standing in hanoi airport surrounded by my bags being told that there was no record of me. Then that there was a record of me but it couldn't be accessed because American Airlines didn't "release" the info to Cathay. I also knew that all the flights from HK to NYC were booked solid for the next two weeks. I literally stood in the airport feeling defeated thinking, "Well August in Hanoi can't be so bad." Luckily, my ROCKSTAR father took charge and got me on the plane last minute. Thanks, dad!
2. My flight from Hanoi to Hong Kong was the bumpiest flight I've ever been on. The plane kept nose diving and then coming up quickly to recover. I am a frequent flier, and usually pretty calm, but found myself in a but of a stomach lurch situation. I then thought to myself, 'Ok Alice, if the plane goes down, it goes down. You have no control. There's nothing you can do." Strangely enough, this worked.
3. The weather in Hong Kong was atrocious, flights were delayed and canceled left and right. This was upsetting because I wanted to go into HK and hang out and see friends and also because my flight from HK->NYC (with a stop over in Vancouver) would inevitably be delayed and I had another flight once I got to NYC that was unrelated to Cathay and that I'd miss. So I spent the whole time worrying about that.

The point is, after 40 hours of travel I made it. And I did it in style.

My amazing parents also were told that all miles flights were booked until August 15th. How could they get me home they asked? The airline responded with an option..."well you could upgrade her to business class." Much to my joy and surprise, they agreed.

Despite all the of the bad things that happened on my journey they are all counteracted by the fact that i flew business class. Yeah it was a shame that I had a 12 hour layover in HK in which going into the city was impossible, but I had access to the Business Class lounge. This BCL is a magical place...a place where all food and drinks are free. Where there are showers, sleeping pods, an internet and game room. I contemplated not leaving. Where else could I drink two bottles of wine, eat cheese and noodles, shower in luxurious showers and then order ice cream after ice cream while sipping Black label on the rocks? I enjoyed myself thoroughly and definitely took full advantage of the amenities at my disposal. (Come on, wouldn't you?!) Perhaps, I shouldn't have sent a barrage of drunken emails/haikus to my Hanoi friends...

I then stumbled on the plane (I lied to myself saying it was fatigue but in retrospect i think those drinks might have had something to do with my bleariness)ad discovered that my seat was one of those seats I've always walked by and stared at enviously. You know the seats I mean. the individual ones that turn into a flat lying bed. I'm not joking, I was totally horizontal, with a fluffy blanket all to myself. I was asleep before they even made the safety announcements. I slept for almost nine hours, waking up in the middle to eat some of the fish, mashed potatoes and vegetables offered to me. When i woke up, refreshed, I watched two movies while still enjoying the steak being serves (with ice cream) and thinking to myself "I refuse to travel any other way"...a sentiment that, when later expressed to my parents, was laughed at. They selfishly refuse to upgrade my flight back to Asia)

Despite my flight being delayed an hour and a half, we got to NYC at 8am. My next flight was at 10:50am, so I thought to myself...If I can clear customs, get my bag and check in within an hour and a half I'll be ok. You never really know. Sometimes it's a breeze but there have also been times I was at the airport and waited for a bag for 45 minutes. Luckily for me, I was through everything in twenty minutes (flight Gods on my side!)...made it to Jetblue (hideous and slightly smelly) in time to check in and contact my father to tell him that I would, in fact, be in Florida that day.

two hours of flying later and I look out the plane window to see the Florida coast...a sunny clear day, postcard perfect. Half an hour later, we're the ground, the flight God's made my bag come out early and ten minutes later I'm seated next to my father heading home.

At home, my best friend, next door neighbor and world traveler (girl just got back from two months in Cape town, has traveled all over South America and Asia, where she also used to live) had, per my request, gone to Publix and picked me a box of fried chicken, lemon lime Gatorade and chocolate.

Thus was the happy ending to the best and worst travel experience I've had to date.

School's Out for the Summer

2010-07-20T10:16:00.000+07:00

The name of this post is a bit premature as I am not officially finished with classes yet. But at the end of today I will officially be on "summer vacation" until September 7th. I am leaving tonight for five days in Bali, will head back to Hanoi for 2 days and then off to the US for a whirlwind 5 weeks jumping between NYC, San Fran, and Florida. I worked it out that between now and July 29th I'll be in seven different cities. It'll be hectic, however it's the first time in my life that I think that I'll be able to properly appreciate a summer vacation.

Summer vacations are wasted on little children, who don't appreciate how good they have it. In fact, they don't even need summer vacations. Back before I started teaching, i thought teachers had it easy, that they had the good life filled with all of these breaks. It wasn't until I became one that I realized how the breaks are necessary in preventing the teacher from losing their mind. It is now apparent that these summer breaks are actually designed with the teacher in mind rather than the students.

I wish growing up, that I had appreciated the long breaks that I had. That I had recognized that it's not actually normal to spend 3 months a year in Europe, and that my ability to do so was a privilege. That one day it would end. That day came when I got my first job at a PR firm in NYC. The contract had the glaring "10 days vacation" jumping off the page at me and it wasn't until then that I realized that my days of lazing about all summer were over. That I'd have to manage my time better. That I'd have to make every day off count.

The idea made me miserable and it didn't take long for me to concoct professions that would allow me to indulge in the life I had before working, one with the greatest luxury of all: time. I've toyed with the idea of becoming a movie star, writing a best selling novel and starting my own business. These are all still active works in progress. I fell onto the idea of teaching quite early on, it seemed like the obvious choice. Great hours and long breaks. It seemed like an easy choice and it didn't even bother me that I don't like kids. As I said before, once I actually started teaching I realized two things: 1. I don't dislike kids as much as I thought (in fact I think they're ok) and 2. Teaching is hard work. Very hard work. Very draining and teachers are more than deserving of the break.

I am not sure of what my blogging will be like while I am away, but I can assure you one thing...my offline life will be fully enjoyed.

Little Miss Muffet/I am an Idiot/L'Hopital

2010-07-12T13:21:00.000+07:00

Early Thursday morning, around 1:15am, I rolled over, and while doing so cracked open my eyes and noticed a shadow on the wall. "That's odd"I thought to myself. I am still a little bit afraid of the dark so I decided to investigate further. I don't know what's worse: if I had or hadn't done this. Upon switching on the light, I came face to face with a MASSIVE spider and lost it internally.
My first instinct was not, in fact, to kill it...but to get it the hell out of my bed. Being me, I tried to reason with the spider...I spoke softly to it and said, "I don't want to kill you but you really have to leave my bedroom" I got a piece of paper and ushered it outside. The adventure should've ended there, but being the crazy hypochondriac I am, I spent the next two hours psychotically searching my room for evidence of a web, researching poisonous spiders in Vietnam, and panicking that it laid eggs and that I'd be attacked and devoured by spiders on night.

I blame the spider for what happened next. I made the biggest fool of myself in Vietnam to date. We all know that I am challenged in the grace and coordination department. I am always covered in bruises from one of my accidents that i have with myself, usually tripping up stairs or falling in the shower, or simply crashing into a wall. It happens daily and people usually laugh at me which is ok. Thursday night was my first evening teaching a new family and they, for some reason insisted on walking me to my motorbike. This was very kind but we all know how awkward and flustered I get...and while they were asking me questions about my life I was fumbling around for my keys. I finally found them and put them into my bike, I turned the bike on but decided to walk the bike out of its parking spot. While doing this i hit the clutch and the bike roared forward. Their faces were shocked which made me all the more flustered and instead of hitting the brake I git the clutch again. The bike charged forward and knocked over another parked bike. I got all sheepish and the dad had to pick the other bike up all while asking me if I was "going to be ok" to drive home and probably wondering how someone incompetent like myself is responsible for the education of their children. As I got onto my bike to drive away they all started BACKING AWAY in fear. I drove away with the knowledge that I publicly humiliated myself in front of new clients and students of my school by getting into an accident with a parked bike while I wasn't even driving. Seriously.

The last adventure of my weekend resulted in a trip to the hospital. I wasn't the patient but I was still involved. My friends and I were having a lovely day at Thang Loi pool and went up to hit some golf balls. After several rounds and several g&ts, my lovely and adventurous friend Ruben decided it would be a good idea to jump from the second floor that we were on into West Lake. First of all, West Lake is disgusting and dirty, secondly we had seen people standing up and fishing there so we knew it was shallow. We warned Ruben against this endeavor but he was determined. He jumped in anyway. As he came up he said, 'Ow my leg!" and I, like everyone else, thought he was joking. It wasn't until he pulled out of the water that we noticed his leg was all mangled and had bends in it where there shouldn't be. We called the ambulance, his dad and gf and went with him to the French Hospital. Ruben broke his femur in two

He had surgery for 5 hours and will be in the hospital for 4-5 days and then in recovery for several months.

That's the end of my weekend story as I'd rather not share the bits about my World Cup finals antics where I sent aggressive texts fueled by tequila, made an idiot of myself and then shouted at the tv show hot Spain was and why couldn't they just show #4 over and over again.

The Kind of Flawless I Wish I Could Be

2010-07-05T12:33:00.000+07:00

I'm always blown away by my life here. I don't really talk about the daily things that I find so fascinating, maybe because they are so integrated into my routine that they seem normal, but the truth is that I am still able to surprise myself.

Take, for instance, that fact that I drive motorbike around the city. My drive to school is thirty minutes each way and I do it on autopilot now. There are the odd moments as I'm driving that I think to myself, "Wow you're driving a motorbike around Hanoi as if you know what you're doing." Granted that June was my first accident free month, but I still DRIVE A MOTORBIKE. People back home who hear about this find this shockingly hilarious since I'd never driven a motorbike before and let's face it, I am a really clumsy person. I regularly trip on a smoothly paved sidewalk. I'm always covered in scratches and bruises.

I'm also in a place that is forcing me to get over my (almost crippling) insecurity and complexes. My fear of public speaking and being judged is put to the test daily as I am responsible for getting up in front of four to five classes a day and teaching them while another teacher is in the room taking notes on my performance. I must admit that this throws me off and that there is always an anxiety and panic bubbling inside of me but I have no choice but to soldier on in the classroom.

People who know me are often surprised when I describe myself as shy, because with those I am comfortable with I have a larger than life personality. The truth is, that I am incredibly shy around new people, it takes me a while to become comfortable with them (but, once I am watch out!!!!) Around new people, I can seem boring or almost rude because I just have no idea what to say. I worry that they won't like me or find me offensive and that kind of rejection is a major blow to my already low self esteem. However, living here has been good for me, in a way. I'm not going to lie and say that I run up to new people and ask them to be my friend or anything crazy like that, but I am constantly thrown into situations where I don't know people and I am getting better at engaging in conversations with them.

I've always been jealous of people who are so sure of themselves that they conduct their lives in a manner that people would be lucky to know them and it seems to work, as they are usually magnets in the social world. I am not sure if I'll ever get to that stage but I think the more time I stay here the more comfortable with myself I'll become, and the more comfortable with myself I become the happier and more enigmatic with new people I'll become.

Sometimes it takes extracting ourselves from our comfort zones to make us reevaluate ourselves and make the life changes we need to. I am have no doubt that each day I am growing up and as uncomfortable as I can be at times that everything I do out here is only enhancing me as a person.

Irreplacable

2010-07-03T22:33:00.000+07:00

In my experience, humans are tactile beings, we need, to some extent, some kind of physical contact in our lives. I am no exception in this matter.

I've been without a boyfriend since January (we broke up in May but have been far away from each other since I left NYC) and have to admit it’s been tough to go from living with someone and having daily cuddles and kiss to nothing. I like affection. I don’t want late night antics as much as I crave the intimacy that comes with being physically comfortable with someone.

A huge problem is for me is my extreme awkwardness and complete inability to connect and feel comfortable with most people. I’ve always failed miserably at random hook ups so simply can not bring myself to engage in them.

I am sticking to my resolution of singledom, but have found another means of getting complete physical gratification and that is in the form of regular spa treatments. Asia is great for indulging in pampering sessions with most massages, mani/pedis, etc being of the highest quality but for a low price. This evening, for example, I spent $10 for an incredible two hour massage…one hour for my feet and one for body.

I found myself in an almost trance like state of bliss and couldn’t help but think that this could easily replace any kind of desire I could potentially have for a physical relationship with another person. I can’t think of many men who would happily give me a two hour massage without wanting something in return. Something, at this point in my life, I just don’t want to give. Call me selfish, awkward, or weird but I’m just not interested.

Where else but the spa will I be able to find someone whose only concern is making me feel relaxed and good? Where else but the spa can I just lay there and enjoy myself without caring about what the other person wants? Where else but the spa can I leave feeling great AND looking better? I don’t have to worry about feeling awkward, or looking fat or anything stupid like that. I just pop in, zone out and leave feeling unbelievable.

So even being single, I CAN have it all. I already have a great job and lots of friends. I can get my romance fix by obsessively reading Eluard’s poems and my need to be touched and pampered by heading down any random road in Hanoi. Being alone isn’t so bad after all.

(Spare me the jokes about “those” kinds of spas. It’s immature and clearly that’s not what I am talking about or where I am going)

Waka Waka

2010-06-28T16:07:00.000+07:00

Apologies for any of you who endured the torture of my last post, I was having a really bad day and took it out o the cyberworld. As you may notice, it was deleted ad I'll avoid long whiny poor me posts in the future. Let's talk about something fun: the World Cup.

I have been getting really into the World Cup. While I don’t pay much THAT much attention to what’s going happening on the screen, I enjoy the camaraderie and atmosphere that the event brings. I like the social aspect. All of Hanoi has come together ad joined in cheering on their respective teams and each match is a new opportunity to have fun and meet cool people. (Even though my three teams are all out...)

I’ve always enjoyed sporting events, my boyfriend in New York thought I was “so awesome” for watching Sunday football with him and his friends, but the truth is I love wings and beer, and sports are a good excuse to indulge.

The World Cup has thrown my "Bali diet" and "no drinking in June" aspirations out the window. I have been a garbage disposal consuming pizza, beer, hamburgers, nachos, fish&chips, fajitas and beer o a nightly basis. Usually I've managed to be responsible, limiting myself to three or four beers for the whole night but after England's embarrassing defeat, I drowned my sorrows on a pretty intense level and the night got a bit uh, crazy.

ON TOP of my usual awkwardness (actions, texts, and comments) these are the things I did last night that could qualify as ridiculous:
1) Upon getting dropped off IN FRONT OF MY DOOR, I proceeded to get lost and wander down my road for a block or two.
2) 4 shots of tequila and one of vodka and Tabasco and about eight beers
3 Going around Jaspa’s taking an “unofficial poll” of the men there on the subject of “Would you write a love letter to a woman that you were interested in?” and forcing them to answer the question.

(My) Songs of the Week:
Darrelle London-Bad
Mates of State-The ReArranger (and My Only Offer)
from the Nine soundtrack-Unusual Way
Lucky Boys Confusion-City Lights (and Broken)
My Favorite Highway-Bittersweet Life
Dierks Bentley-Sideways
Howie Day-So, Goodbye
Jay-Z-On to the Next One
Passion Pit-Sleepyhead (and Moth's Wings)(and Little Secrets)
Sophie B. Hawkins-As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Into the Wild

2010-06-26T15:57:00.000+07:00

It's hot in Hanoi. Stiflingly hot. The kind of hot that makes you seriously consider giving up all forms of social activity and just cocoon yourself in a cold, dark air conditioned room. It's not as if heat is foreign to me, I grew up in Florida. Living in Hanoi this summer makes me abandon any notion of looking attractive, it's impossible. Make up melts off your face, hair frizzes the instant the air hits it and clothes are soaked through within five minutes of walking around. Suffice it to say that my efforts to be cute and fashionable are put on the back burner, I stick to the basics these days...going for the "natural look and of course showering three of four times a day.

Today I hit a new all time low. In Vietnam, it is common for the power to just shut off for hours at a time. This is slightly annoying, especially if it's nighttime, you're mid blow dry, or you're Skyping your parents and you suddenly disappear, but it's usually nothing life altering. Today, when I woke up I discovered we had no power. I figured by the time I got back from the gym and my errands that everything would return back to normal. It wasn't. Oh,I thought, I am going to have to shower in the dark Not the worst thing in the world but obviously not my favorite thing to do. I peel off my soaked gym clothes, run to the bathroom and turn on the water. Nothing. Tried the sink. Nothing. This has never happened. Being the resourceful, quick thinker that I am, I don't panic. I used my well honed strategic thinking skills to quickly think of a solution. I ran to the fridge and pulled out my two giant water bottles that I had purchased earlier. I proceeded to soak myself with one bottle, lather up and then rinse off with the other.

While I am a big fan of the simple things in life and often daydream about traveling back to the Victorian era, I do have an appreciation for the comforts in life such as running water, and my "old fashioned" way of showering today didn't have quite the romantic connotation as a Keats poem does.

I am hopeful that when I return home from Puku (cafe where I am typing this) that all will be restored and I wash my hair, sit in my cold dark room, and return to the 21st century.

You're Never Too Busy To Get What You Want

2010-06-22T08:26:00.000+07:00

When I was a junior in college, I read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” and am embarrassed to say that it changed my life. It forced me to look at relationships (all kinds) through a different perspective, one that dragged me down from fantasy land to reality.

While relationships (both platonic and romantic) are not always easy to maintain, we are compelled by human nature to put forth effort to the ones we hold dear to us. If someone is important to us, we find a way to ensure that they remain a presence in our lives, regardless of where we are in the world or how busy we are.

This statement seems obvious but often times we forget it and allow ourselves to get caught up in one sided relationships, where only one party is putting in all the work and struggling to keep the connection going. We justify it to ourselves by telling ourselves how important this person is to us, that we want them in our life or that we can’t imagine life without them. This is all very well and good but the important question we should be asking ourselves is: Is it mutual? If we stopped making an effort, would they still be in our lives? Would they text/email/call? Do they care as much as we do? Does our presence in their lives have as much bearing as theirs does on ours?

Usually, if we’re even engaging ourselves in this internal monologue, we know what the answer is (it’s no!) However, sometimes, because we tend to live in denial we need some kind of “proof.” A good way to gather this kind of evidence is by moving to different country and see how many of your “loved ones” actively pursue keeping the lines of communication open. Another is to take a step back, stop contacting the person/people in question and let them come to you. This is so difficult to do, excruciating at times, but an effective method that should serve as a wake up call.

I’ve had several instances in the past few months where I’ve had to implement the latter into my life, and as demoralizing as it was, realized that I’ve been chasing relationships that I could never catch up with. That I was running in a race with myself. That I just needed to let go.

“He’s Just Not That Into To You” may have been written about romantic relationships but some of its lessons can be applied to all kinds of relationships. It reminds us to examine our relationships:

To remember that you’re never too busy to get what you want. If someone wants to talk to you and have you be a part of their lives, they’ll make time for that to happen.

Stop making exceptions for people

It’s pretty obvious when someone cares and someone doesn’t Realize when to move on. There are plenty of people who are aware of how awesome you are and want you around. Focus on them.

Friendships/Relationships shouldn’t be that hard. You shouldn’t have to be constantly seeking approval or trying to prove yourself. The people who matter will love and accept you for who you are.

The more time I stay out here, the more evident it becomes who will be in my life for the long term. While I am sad by some of my fleeting friendships/relationships, I’m happy knowing the ones who I’ll be surrounded with are the ones who truly matter.

Contradictions Get Me Everything I Want

2010-06-19T16:58:00.000+07:00

It’s no secret that I get bored very easily. Even in simple conversations, I bounce around from topic to topic. My mind is always racing. I am always in search of fun and excitement. I can’t sit still for very long, I like to be busy. I’ve had more “life plans” than I can count. These plans are always changing. Some people may call it unstable or crazy, but I think it is a simple matter of having no idea what I want.

While I take this approach to life unabashedly (as I see nothing wrong with “keeping things interesting”) but I am aware that my running around in circles can make those around me feel dizzy. Those who “try to figure me out” are sorely out of luck, since I’ve yet to figure myself out. I never know my next move, I improvise as I go along.

I think most people would agree that, at times, I am a walking contradiction. I am all or nothing, never really knowing how to find the middle ground. My life is either a frenzy rushing from a work 12-hour work day to dinner with friends OR taking the easy road, not really working hard and retreating into my own space in my “free time”

I find that the more I work, the harder I work at my social life as well. As much as I cherish and love my “Alice-time” as my friends from home call it, I am a social creature by nature. I like to be around people and the idea that I’m achieving healthy work-life balance.

These days, I’m a workaholic. This happens every once in a while. I become consumed with work and let it take over my life. I take on many projects and am always rushing from one place to another. I’ve noticed that this usually coincides with a sense of loss or extreme boredom. When I don’t know what to do with myself, the obvious choice seems to be throwing myself into my “career”

So that’s where I am right now. I am in the mindset of working hard, getting things done, creating new fantastic life plans and being completely exhausted. =)

(My) Songs of the week
1. Muse-Time is Running Out
2. Smashing Pumpkins-Perfect
3. My favorite highway-bad habits
4. Jay z-On To The Next One
5. Tom Petty-You Don't Know It It Feels
and the new Eminem album

PS-Happy Early Birthday to The Only Living Girl in Paris aka my friend Francesca (she has a great blog as well)

The Heat is On in Saigon

2010-06-15T13:05:00.000+07:00

I fell in love with Saigon this weekend. I went knowing I’d like it but was surprised how quickly I fell under its spell. There are some cities that, when walking around, I feel completely comfortable, at ease, and that moving there would be a seamless transition. Saigon is one of those cities (London and San Francisco are the others)

Saigon manages to possess the perfect blend of western modern while maintaining an exotic Asian feel. The city has an energy to it that is infectious, and the kind of beauty that brings you back in history while never letting you feel out of touch.

I had a discussion with a friend a while back about our idea of the perfect place to live. We both expressed the desire to live in a bustling city with a mild climate that was close to the beach. We, at the time, agreed that it was very difficult to find a city like that, so concessions are usually made. Coincidentally, the same friend was in Saigon and it didn’t take long for us to conclude that Saigon, in fact, could claim many of the ideal qualities we were seeking.

The city itself is stunning, very easy to navigate and has the luxury of real pavements. You can wander around daydreaming without worrying about getting hit by a motorbike. The people, from what I saw, seemed more open-minded and friendly, and it’s a more accessible city, both from within in Vietnam, or to other parts of the world.

Saigon isn't perfect. Obviously. In fact, when I was there I had a nasty experience of someone trying to steal my bag (which contained my passport, camera, wallet etc) around 5pm in the afternoon. They made way with some useless item that was at the top of my bag and proceeded to rip it in the process (jerks) but even this doesn't dissuade me from loving this city. I would also say that food in Saigon is not as good as the food in Hanoi. Saigon's food is too sweet, and would take some getting used to.

I in no way want to disparage Hanoi, as I have a special relationship with this place. I have had many happy memories here, have been enchanted by the people I met, have loved the arts scene and found the city to be chaotic frenzy with a charming small town feel at the same time. It’s not that I don’t adore Hanoi, it’s just that I think I’m in love with Saigon.

It’s only a matter of time before I’m a Saigonian.

(on an unrelated note, people are always asking me for recommendations and what’s on my playlist-which is weird because my music taste is questionable, but here’s what on repeat on my itunes) :
Bob Dylan-Emotionally Yours*** and Tangled Up in Blue
Sister Hazel-Beautiful Thing****
Fuel-Shimmer
Jay Z-Young Forever
Julian Perretta-anything and everything (not the name of a song. just mean that I love everything by him)
Passion Pit-Moth’s wings
Phoenix-Long Distance Call
Semisonic-DND***
Ok Go-White Knuckles (I am beyond obsessed)*********
Charlie Mars-Close to Home
Maroon Five-If you only knew***
Jewel-Stay Here Forever***

*** marks especially overplayed

Don't Feel Like Dancing, Dancing

2010-06-05T00:16:00.000+07:00

I normally don't post back to back, but I felt like this evenings events warranted an exception to my rule.

Since I am re-entering the realm of social activity after a hiatus (see previous post)I am throwing myself into "the Hanoi scene." Tonight this meant heading to the Press Club for their "Friday Night at the terrace."I must admit, that I've been there a total of four times now, and each and every time I've stayed less than an hour and a half on account of the fact that I find it very boring and borderline creepy (I go because my friends go) Tonight was no exception except something weird happened to me.

I was on the dance floor (not dancing) and this Vietnamese girl runs up to me, in the haze of the lights and not wearing contacts I thought it was my friend Natali so i got very excited.i soon realized that it wasn't as she literally yanked me off the dance floor to "talk to me." Immediately my mind goes into panic mode, my paranoid mother made me grow up convinced men could be hiding in the bushes and sub sequentially I've somehow developed an irrational fear of being kidnapped and sold. I digress.

She brings me into the main room where there are three other girls there. They explain that it's a modeling agency and that there is "a big expat party" at a bar the following night. They say that their clients want "tall pretty girls" to dance around the DJ/on stage to get the crowd going. "Don't worry, it's not showing underwear or anything." They ended their pitch with saying I'd be getting paid 1.3m VND. They then told me that I'd need to go with them right now and meet the client.

You may be surprised to hear that I turned the opportunity down. I need the money. I've spent too much on plane tickets, but even I have my limits. The idea of dancing around with full hair and makeup and some skanky outfit and getting paid for it is outside outside the lines that I am willing to cross. I found the whole thing and idea of it to be VERY sketchy and almost degrading.

I don't feel like dancing, no sir, no dancing today.

Another One Bites The Dust

2010-06-04T16:27:00.000+07:00

I am terrible at saying goodbye. Even as a young child, when my parents used to go to out for the evening (leaving me with a babysitter) I would cling to their legs or chase them out the door. I don't like being left. I also don't like leaving because I constantly wonder about what I am leaving behind, what I am missing out on.

Being an expat, saying goodbye (on a regular basis) to the people you care about is par for the course. I mentioned that (mostly) everyone you meet out here has an expiration date, and you just have to deal with it. My ability to say goodbye has not improved, so when one of my favorite people in Hanoi (and ever) left this week, I fell apart. The weeks leading up to his departure, all of my other friends were cast aside in favor of him. I wanted to drink in as many last moments as I could.

That's another thing about being an expat that I mentioned...the people you meet out here are different than the ones you meet back home. the expats or the nomadic travelers don't fit into the stereotypical molds of whatever country the come from, they break the taboo, cross boundaries, and make you look at the world in a different light.

My friend, who just left, is an example of that and has left me with something very special, something I can't even really put into words. Let me stumble around and try:

I grew up in a very well educated, worldly family who all hold very different viewpoints that they are equally passionate about... so it's no surprise that nothing excites me more than a compelling argument or a thought provoking discussion. I like to read, I like to argue about philosophy and politics, I love hypothetical and "what is the meaning of" questions. For the most part, it seems, I don't engage in such antics with the people I surround myself with. Maybe it's my fault, or maybe I've been shut down one too many times by people who thought my provocative questions were "a little much" or I'd be told "that's enough, Alice," "ok I get it." Those words are always such a blow because I want to think and be heard, just like i want to hear others thoughts and outlooks. To me, that's what makes the world interesting place.

On first glance, my friend seemed almost stereotypical American (apart from the fact that he's lived all over the world) but upon further inspection I soon discovered that my first impression couldn't have been any more off base. He and I spent hours upon hours debating everything from "how do you think time works?" to philosophers, world theories, politics and "hot button" issues, why people get married and lots and lots of talks about books. No topic was off limits and never once was I told "that's enough"...more like encouraged to go on and have my views either challenged or agreed with.

Not only did this friendship result in constant mental stimulation but it made me feel smart and start valuing different things. It made me not care if I didn't look pretty that day (I stopped wearing make up.) It gave me a realization that there were far too many times that I took the easy way out, played 'dumb" and sold myself short intellectually. It is more apparent now that I need the constant state of mental ablaze, that I can't-and won't-be able to settle for anything less. Most importantly, it made me truly believe that I had MUCH more to offer than I have been previously allowing people (and myself) to see.

So thank you for that, and I miss you.

No, I Don't Need Another Half to Make Me Whole

2010-05-24T22:52:00.001+07:00

My last blog received so many raves reviews that I am reticent to post another one. How can this post live up to the last one? Will I just crash and burn into the land of one hit wonders? The truth is, I could write about Hanoi all day and how much I love it and all of my day to day encounters, and while I do that as often as possible, this is afterall, a blog about ME... so my entries will contain smatterings of Aliceisms that hopefully my new readers will be able to tolerate :)

In my last entry, I spoke about my love of Hanoi and specifically how it is shaping me into a different person and allowing me the freedom to learn and discover new things about the world and myself. Sometimes it's easy to forget that there's more to life than the cocoon you've ensconced yourself in, and I think it took my moving here to fully recognize that.

One of the most difficult things I learned here was the impossibility of long distance relationships. When I moved here, I was in a relationship with a wonderful man in NYC, who truly has a heart of gold. I, we, truly believed that our love would be able to withstand the 12 hour time difference and the thousands of miles of distance. Somewhere along the way, we both realized that it was best to take a step back and accept that it simply wasn't working anymore. An amicable break up in which both parties had nothing but love and respect for each other.

This leads me to my newest learning experience: being single. This is an unknown territory for me and I find the whole thing a bit jarring. For the past four years, I've been part of a couple and before that I was always involved with someone. I can't remember a time from the age of sixteen that there wasn't a man in my life occupying my heart and attention. So this is the first time in ten years that I have been truly and utterly single. I must admit, I am having a complete panic attack about it, I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm really not interested in "going crazy" or even jumping into the "dating scene" (is there even one of those in Hanoi? I don't know)

I think it is perfectly fitting that this major life change is happening while I am out here exploring all kinds of realms that were unknown to me before. People are telling me to "embrace it" "love it" and "enjoy it" and maybe one day in the future I will be able to do all of these things but right now I am just learning how to be.

This is the Life That Everybody Asks for

2010-05-23T18:56:00.000+07:00

I get asked, almost daily, when I am returning back to the US. When my little "adventure" and experiment is over. Let me answer you all, here and now. I have NO IDEA when I am returning, and I like it that way. I am going to stay in Hanoi until I stop loving it, and after Hanoi I don't know what I'll do. I may return to New York, or I may spend some time in France to bring me back to fluency, or maybe I'll live in London.

The truth is that I don't know and I don't feel like I should have to know. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by not living in the US. Yes, of course I miss my family and friends, and there are moments (like my brother's 18th birthday or when K&D got engaged) that i wish I could've been a part of, but right now i feel like I am a part of something much bigger.

I feel like I am really living life, that i am enjoying everything it has to offer and that the opportunities out here are endless and exciting. Every day is an adventure. Some of my friends out here who read my blog have mentioned that I don't fully capture my whole life out here, that experiences and moments aren't shared with the rest of you. One even went as far to tell me that I'd be a terrible journalist (jerk) but I find that to share everything would be impossible...however if any of you are so inclined to take a trip out here, I'd be happy to show you my world.

Let's talk a bit about my world and why i don't want to leave it:
1. I live in an amazing house, in an amazing location with one cool roommate and one who I fight with daily but he's leaving in 8 days so hopefully by next week it'll be two cool roommates.
2. My job is three days a week. The guys I work with are two of the most hilarious enigmatic people that I've ever come across.
3. I am able to engage in a very enjoyable lifestyle and comfortable style of living here. I joined an amazing gym with a pool and I am often found poolside, working on my tan, sipping a cold beverage in my personal oasis from the hustle and bustle of this hectic city.
4. The people you meet while living as an expat are unlike the majority of those you'll come across at home. It takes a certain type of spirit to pack up and move to Asia, and so any stereotypes about nationalities must be disregarded. Most of the people I've met out here are educated, interesting, adventurous, and approach life with a fresh outlook.
5. Due to my incredible schedule, I am afforded the luxury of being able to hop on a plane and spend a long weekend (every weekend if I should so desire) in a different country or city and experience new things/culture
6. There are many more opportunities here for me right now than anywhere else
7. For the first time ever, I'm living life completely on my own terms. The only real responsibility I have is to myself.
8. I'm learning the meaning of growing up, being an adult and becoming independent
9. Hanoi is amazing. everything from the people, the food and vibe makes it difficult to not fall in love.
10. I'm happy.

So, that's where I am. Obviously life isn't perfect. Life as an expat means recognizing that most of the people you meet out here come with expiration dates, that they won't be here forever and inevitably the ones you become close and dependent on will leave you and there is a huge chance that you will never see them again. There are motorcycle accidents, lonely moments, internet outages, not having an oven, and the craving for a decent hamburger but I think the good by far outweighs the bad. The most important take away I've gotten is learning how to live in the moment, to take things as they come and to enjoy things while they last instead of worrying about what the future has in store.

Until next time.

There's Something Sexy About the Rain

2010-05-19T12:32:00.000+07:00

I’ve been spending lots of time poolside working on my tan. While I know this makes me hideous by Hanoi standards, we all know that I have an obsession with being the perfect shade of bronze. Like any sun goddess, I realize that certain wardrobe choices and colors can to maximize your golden hue…

Yesterday, proud of my ever developing color, I made sure to wear a paper thin, billowy white top with a magenta pencil skirt. This was a great choice until my drive home from work (which is thirty five minutes) when the heavens opened up and pelted down for a solid fifteen minutes. Aside from the fact that the rain was coming down in hard drops (I was convinced I'd be covered in welts) at one point, a drop flew in my eye temporarily blinding me. I was driving through the busy streets of Hanoi (Kim Ma to be exact) completely drenched and driving with only one eye squinted open. Super attractive.

What did help rev up my va-va-voom factor though was the fact that my billowy white top was soaked completely through. This meant that I was driving through the streets of Hanoi for twenty minutes basically topless. Literally, I looked down and could count the freckles on my chest. At every stoplight I tried peeling the top away from my body but it was only a matter of seconds until it was plastered back to my skin.

Vietnam is a conservative country, and I, upon coming here abandoned my penchant for super short skirts/dresses and sky high heels to adhere to the cultural standards. What I couldn't predict was that the natural elements would eliminate me of the dignity I've been trying so hard to maintain whilst living here, or the reaction that it would have on the Vietnamese men who aren't used to seeing a woman's assets so readily on display. I endured close to a dozen "woohoo's" (the Vietnamese variation) on my long drive home and countless smiles and eyebrow raised head nods.

The positive is that this didn't happen on my way TO school, seeing as I've flashed the teachers enough http://aliceinvietnamland.blogspot.com/2010/04/first-impressions.html

Note to self: Now might be a good time to stop procrastinating against buying a rain coat.

Power Junkie

2010-05-18T15:13:00.000+07:00

I’ll admit it…I have having a bit of a mental breakdown and it’s driving me crazy. My ability to master my emotions and remain in control of everything seems to have dissipated as I slip into an abyss of crazy. Ok, perhaps that’s a little bit of a dramatization, but it’s the first time in a very long time where I feel like I am losing control.

Some may argue that this is a good thing. I’ve been told in the past that I am too de-attached, that I am emotionally inept, that getting through to me emotionally is nearly impossible. Somewhere along the way, I’d built up a fortress against seriousness and feelings. While I’ve never had an issue with it, many have and would say that what I consider to be a downward spiral as a step in the right direction.

I, however, hate it. I hate feeling this loss of control. I am not a fan of not having a grip on my emotions and feelings. I liked the almost glacial approach to emotions I embodied before my move here. Not knowing where I’m headed next is scary for me.

I wish I could cite the major stressful events surrounding my personal life as the cause for this shift, but I feel that I’ve dealt with crisis before in an effective almost robotic manner so I am grasping for excuses that simply won’t materialize.

For those of you who aren’t with me in Hanoi or don’t know me that well, don’t worry, I’m not totally off my rocker...:) I am simply in a different state of mind and being than I normally am, and I feel totally unequipped to deal with it. I’m used to being the one dealing with other people’s breakdowns and dramas, for not really having any of my own, for not oversharing…. I feel like the harder I try to revert back to my concept of normal then the farther I find myself immersed in the other side and it’s not where I want to be.

The guys I work with told me that at some point we all go through stages like this and that I should enjoy it. While I don’t know if I can go that far, I can commend myself in taking the first step to “recovery” by admitting that I have a problem.

On the bright side, this state of being will inevitably result in more interesting blog posts.

TTFN

PS-In case you didn't pick up on it...the titles of my posts are usually lyrics from songs or song titles :)

Good Luck Shooting the Moon aka What's Wrong With Me?!

2010-05-17T09:59:00.000+07:00

Pain. That's been the theme of the week. Every single day meant some kind of pain.

Monday was emotional as I had a very difficult conversation with a loved one. My Tuesday my heart was feeling better but I think it's because it passed along all of the pain to my stomach. I woke up Tuesday around 1am with what felt like a fire lit in my stomach, resulting in my laying in fetal position crying. Popped a lot of Pepto, went to work, and tried to forge through the next few hours all the while incessantly heckling my coworkers about what could be wrong with me and googling potential causes for my ailment...I thought it would go away by healthy living and not exerting myself too much.

On Friday, I did what any normal girl feeling lousy with the day off would do...I went to the spa to get pampered: manicure, pedicure, hair cut, foot massage and...leg wax. Now up until this point, I thought that I knew what real pain was. WAS I WRONG. In all of my years on Earth i have never experienced something to excruciating as getting my legs waxed (and that says something)and the worst part, for me, was knowing that this is something that i was not only a willing participant in, but that I was actually paying someone to do to me. I started questioning my sanity wondering what kind of a person I am that I'd pay to be tortured. I wanted to stop her so many times but I thought, "No Alice, tough it out." Then when i thought it was over I breathed a sigh of relief until she told me to TURN OVER and I thought I would really and truly die.

With my medical expertise (courtesy of my mother, WedMD and other internet sites) I surmised that my healthy eating and abstaining from all things fun meant that I was on the road to recovery until about 4am on Sunday morning when I woke up in a state. Making whimpering noises while clutching my stomach to no avail, it was undeniable at this point...there was something actually wrong with me and I needed medical attention. I was able to drag myself to L'Hopital Francais where I was given a doctor who was wonderful but spoke only Vietnamese and French. My French is ok...I can get by, but explaining medical terminology is difficult enough to do in ones native tongue let alone one that they are conversational (at best) in.

They proceeded to stick needles in me and have me undergo tests for approximately four hours. I had morphine injected into my veins for pain. I had an ULTRASOUND. When they mentioned "ultrasound" to me I thought it was just "xray" lost in translation, but no...it's actually an ultrasound. Ultrasounds are the weirdest yet coolest things. Mine was actually a bit uncomfortable but they put the cool gel on my stomach (like in the movies!) and I was able to see on screen everything that the ultrasound was picking up.

I was told after my four hours of tests and one hour of waiting that I was "fine." That there was "nothing wrong with me." That I was "lucky." How, i wondered, could this be. How is it that I required an IV of morphine for pain yet there was NOTHING WRONG with me?! I know I'm a hypochondriac, I know i can be a bit of a baby but this is too much. They packed my purse full of medication and sent me packing?

Final injury of the day? Having my AMEX card denied.

Let's hope this week is relatively painless. My heart, stomach, and ego need a break.

I Knew I Wouldn't Forget You, And So I Went and Let You Blow My Mind

2010-05-10T23:27:00.000+07:00

First and foremost I would like to give a huge shout out to all of my amazing friends who have done extraordinary things to let me know they love and care about me.

DANNY MEZZ sent me mini eggs in a priority mail package
JESSICA DALES sent me amazing stationary
and then the whole music thing...you all know how musically obsessed I am. How one song can find its way to my heart and be on repeat for two weeks straight. So shout outs to Chris Sotillo, Josephine, FCH, and my roommate Shaun for opening my eyes to some cool tunes.

I know it sounds corny but even getting an email from someone truly brightens my day so keep them coming

Secondly I've compiled a list of things that have struck me recently:
1. My decision drive with headphones is a stupid one.
2. When I get drunk I have really awkward conversations with people. usually about food or speaking French. What's most troubling is that this occurs mainly with people I don't know but potentially have to see again
3. Securing a PO Box in Hanoi isn't difficult but extremely tedious
4. Apparently the grocery store is the new hot spot to pick up girls
5. I live with two guys now. It is no longer appropriate to walk around in a tank top and underwear. or a towel. I've forgotten this several times. I bought a robe to remedy the situation
6. Tequila makes me do idiotic things. Like losing my keys so trying to break down the gate to my house by going to the other side of the road and charging it.
7. I've gone from being reticent in discussing my personal life and emotions to being a chronic oversharer
8. I like cheese now. (For those of you who didn't know this...I DIDN'T EAT CHEESE!!! From the age of 5 years old i stopped eating cheese and it wasn't until the other night when Henri brought home some fabulous wine, cheese and baguette and offered me some and I refused citing my dislike for it that he, Shaun, and Lena basically told me I had to try it and so I did...I am kicking myself missing out on the wonders of good cheese for the past 21 years)
9. French, English, and Vietnamese are not good secret languages to use in Hanoi. Chances are someone will understand you. So if you are going to talk unfavorably about someone in a "foreign language" (which you should NEVERRRRRR do!) then make sure it's not in those three...I've heard Spanish is a good option but personally I am going to suggest that my friends and I take up Polish or Danish.
10. I'm a bad influence on myself.

Songs that are on repeat on my ipod and brain. If there is an star next to it that means that I dance around my room listening to it.
*1. White Knuckles-Ok go!
2. Sweet Emotion-Aerosmith
*3.Does this mean you're moving on?-Airborne Toxic Event (the whole album actually)
4. I Got you-Leona Lewis
*5. Stole My heart-Little and Ashley
6.+7 Paper Bag AND Mistake-Fiona Apple
8. Along for the Ride-Mates of State
*9. I don't feel like dancing-Scissor Sisters
10. Hey Soul Sister-Train

And as always the Battle Studies album, all of KOL, "Run Run Run", "Brown Sugar", "The Fear", and Julian Perretta

Last but certainly not least-Congratulations to Keeley and Danny. two of my favorite people in the world are getting married. your kids will most likely be hideous but at least they'll have really good personalities.

"It's Better Than a Mango Even!!!!"

2010-05-09T18:39:00.000+07:00

Only a select few of you will understand the title of this blog post so I will provide you with some insight (around 1:48 mark)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHRyRCHuQ7g

Last week, when my fabulous visitors descended upon the streets of Hanoi, they came bearing gifts. Lots of makeup, crest white strips, self tanner and an ipod.

I've been using the not having an ipod thing (since it was stolen)as an excuse to not work out. Before the ipod excuse I was claiming i couldn't find a gym.

The reality is that I haven't worked out since September, and let's be honest even before September I wasn't known for my dedication to the gym. However, the combination of the delicious Hanoi food and the fact that I have started drinking (for those of you who don't know, my drinking was a rarity in New York) I've noticed that I am getting puffier and I can't deny it. I need to hit up the gym. So I joined a fancy schmancy gym with an outdoor pool that I plan to visit four times a week.

My gym does very helpful things like play the Fashion channel on the tv so just in case i was feeling ready to get off the treadmill, I look up and see Gisele and instead just increase the pace at which I am running. The treadmills also face the pool which is good and bad. bad because obviously I see sun, lounge chairs and water and just want to abandon my goal of not being a fat blob...but good because I think that I will look less blobish in my bathing suit if I keep running. I can already predict that this will be a daily struggle. part of me prays for rain to force me to work out but another part of me knows that if it rains I will avoid commuting to the gym. I'll keep you posted.

The positive note is one of the guys at the gym called me "Alice in WONDERFUL-land" and gave me a mango.

Just Too Busy Being Fabulous

2010-05-09T07:16:00.000+07:00

I am aware of the fact that I haven't written a "Vietnam blog post" in over a month, but as you can see from the title of this one, I've been just too busy being fabulous :) I am, however, flattered and amused by the outcry that my absence has ensued and the many emails and facebook messages asking me to post.

For a while, I attempted to keep bullet points of the funny happenings in my life in the past month but gave that up as well so I'll do my best to capture the essence of it all.

The first and most important thing to address is my change of location. Hard as it was to leave My Dinh behind, I forced myself to pack up and move into a three story house in the Old Quarter. The house is, amazing. It's a short walk to everything downtown. (In NYC terms: It's like moving from Stamford to Soho) I LOVE my house. I love everything about it! I have two roommates who are great, very cool and fun.

I also have a new job. This is also an exciting and sweet deal as I only have to work from Tuesdays through Thursdays from 8-4. This means that every weekend is a four day weekend. Being a generally lazy person, this arrangement suits me well. I need a job that doesn't interfere too much with the things I actually want to do in life.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of events...concerts, film festivals, fun nights out with friends and I had my first visitors to Hanoi and we had a seriously wonderful time with them. However, their visit has resulted in my having to join a gym :)

Ok, well this blog post is incredibly boring, so boring in fact that i don't want to write it anymore. Now that you have the cliff notes version of my life I promise I'll update more regularly and resume my (hilarious and witty) writing of my interesting encounters and daily life in Hanoi.

Until then.

Sihanoukville

2010-04-25T12:30:00.000+07:00

Growing up in Florida, I took the beach for granted. I didn't appreciate how lucky I was to have unrestricted access to one of natures greatest wonders. When I went to school in Boston, I soon realized how fortunate I had been and just how much I loved and needed the beach.

Since moving to Vietnam, I haven't had the opportunity to hit up the beach so my trip to Sihanoukville was much needed and much overdue. it was, in fact, the longest I'd ever been without being in the ocean or strolling on the sand.

Sihanoukville is a weird place, a bit grubby and filled with repulsive old western men with young Cambodian women. Disgusting. Camilla and I didn't stray from Serendipity Beach despite the other options around. The beach is lined with shack restaurants complete with lounge chairs in front. Camilla and I had a great routine. wake up around 10:30, go to the internet cafe, head to the beach around 11:30, have breakfast on the lounge chair and then just read and relax until about three. We also became friends with some of the local children selling bracelets and fruits and got duped into buying much too much. We'd then go home, rest up a bit and then have a nice quiet dinner, go back to the internet cafe, and then go home and watch Animal planet. I was so relieved that I found someone who wanted as low key of a time as i did. No crazy partying, no drinking, just relaxing and having a good time.