Monogamy: A form of relationship in which an individual has
one partner for their lifetime or an extended period of time.
While all
relationships are different, and some have agreements to be “open”... the “traditional”
form of committed relationship is that of two people who have made a mutual
decision to only be with each other. They operate with the understanding that
they can trust their partner and that their partner is faithful to them. We all
know that sometimes it doesn’t quite work out like that. Sometimes, one of the
people will break the agreement and engage in extracurricular activities with
someone outside of their partnership. They cheat.
There are different degrees of cheating. There is the
one-off, which can happen for a variety of reasons and I tend to be more
lenient about this. If it happens and it’s a huge mistake and you’re filled
with regret and vow to never do it again (and don’t) then I am tempted to say,
depending on the circumstances, to give
it a pass. Then there is the serial infidelity, which is a string of affairs or
one-offs, which, to me, is not acceptable. Finally there is an affair, an
on-going, long term (anything longer than a night) relationship with someone
outside of ones relationship, which is also unacceptable. I am at a loss as to
why one would want to juggle two relationships, and even more at a loss as to
why “the other man/woman” would be comfortable coming in 2nd place.
People cheat for all kinds of reasons, the main one often
being that they weren’t getting something from their relationship so they
sought it out elsewhere. It could be a physical or emotional component.
Sometimes people cheat because they have an addiction to sex, or because they
are selfish and weak. Sometimes people cheat for the thrill, or to feed their
ego. Whatever the reason, they did it, and it’s wrong and frankly selfish.
Monogamy isn’t easy. Relationships aren’t easy, and I’m not
going to pretend for a single second that they are. However, they’re also not
mandatory. There is no rule that states that we HAVE to be in a partnership. We
enter into our relationships by choice. Just like we stay faithful to our
partners by choice. Because it IS a choice. Every day, we are CHOOSING to be
with that person and to be committed to the promises that we made to them. To
break that, for whatever reason, isn’t down to science, chemistry or basic
animal instincts, it’s a conscious decision that we, as consenting adults make,
to willingly harm our partner both emotionally but also perhaps physically. We
have a choice to not do that. We can decide to end our current relationship, or
work on the issues in it. To opt for infidelity is the weak, cowardly, and
selfish way out.
Usually, if someone is unfaithful it comes out at some
point. The deception and lies catch up with them. Sometimes it’s a shock and
sometimes there are signs all along the way. Now I don’t believe in paranoia or
not trusting a partner. I think if we choose to be with someone that we should,
unequivocally, trust them. I don’t
believe in checking up on them, snooping through their things, or questioning
them. I don’t think we should search for signs, because I think that’s
unhealthy for our mental health and damaging to our relationships. But what I will say, is that if the signs are there, we
don’t usually have to engage in any sneaky and covert operations to uncover
them. They’re usually pretty obvious, and as much as it’s tempting to ignore
them, or make excuses or them, you shouldn’t:
10 Signs Your Partner is Cheating On You:
Change of behavior:
The first telling sign is when someone’s behavior changes drastically. If it’s
a one-off then we can let it go. If it completely replaces the previous
behavior then it it’s something to look into.
If they’ve changed, it’s for a reason.
Change of attitude: If
the person you’re with has a personality or attitude shift there is a reason
why. It could be something as simple and innocent as problems at work, or a
family issue. But this is something that should be communicated to you.
Partners are supposed to share things. If they suddenly start picking fights,
lashing out, or expressing disdain for you it’s an indication that there might
someone else involved. Also if they make
over the top grand gestures they might be trying to overcompensate for something.
Change of schedule: Lives change and circumstances come up so
even the most established of routines will alter at times. The questions are:
is it temporary or permanent? And how is going to affect your relationship? Are
there suddenly late nights? Is your partner always away? Are you in contact with them? Are they open about where they are and what they're doing? Do they make excuses
to not see or spend time with you? The bottom line is
this: you’re never too busy to get what you want. Busy people have
relationships and somehow make time for their partners. If the person you’re
with isn’t able to make room for you in their schedule it’s either because they
don’t want to, or because they’re making room for someone else.
Unavailability: If
someone is suddenly completely unavailable it’s not because they actually are, they’re just unavailable to you. Most people reply on their phone and email for
work which means that they are accessible to some degree, especially if you’re
a priority to them. If someone becomes impossible to reach or disappears for
period of time, you have to ask yourself where they’re going, and you probably
won’t like the answer. This was such a huge change from the way it was before. If this change is sudden, there's a reason.
Being Defensive: If
someone starts becoming overly defensive to the point of aggression or trying
to guilt trip you, it’s a sign that they have something to hide. And they’re
manipulating you. Questions like, ‘What time will you be home?” “What did you
do last night?” “Want to meet for lunch?” shouldn’t be met with contempt. Also,
if you question sketchy behavior “Why didn’t you come home last night?” “Why
are you bringing your phone to the bathroom?” “why don’t you ever include me in
anything anymore?” shouldn’t cause your partner to snarl at you and belittle
you. These are all normal questions, and if someone finds them unreasonable, it’s
probably because the answers to them is that they’re doing something they
shouldn’t be. (My ex once told me it was his "God given right as a human being
to not come home at night.” I should’ve walked then and there.)
Strange or unusual
correspondence or relationship: If someone random or unexpected suddenly
starts popping up in your significant others life, they might be more than just
a business associate or friend. I’m not suggesting that we should become suspicious
of every new person, that would be unreasonable. We meet new people all the time, and
sometimes we interact with them either at high volume levels professionally or
socially and that’s normal. But it shouldn’t be clandestine, as a partner, you should know about it. Though it's also a sign if your partner talks about someone else all the time. If the circumstances
of their correspondence or relationship seems weird, then it probably is.
Overzealously
protective of phone and email. While I don’t condone reading other peoples
texts or emails, I do believe that if someone freaks out if you are near their
phone or ipad, or goes from giving you access to their device (for whatever
reason) to hiding it and changing their passwords, then it’s because they’re
hiding something. Most likely an affair.
Keeping lives
separate: I am a big proponent on people remaining individuals while in a
relationship. One should have their own interests, friends, and time but it’s
important to also do things together. When we first start dating someone, we
tend to spend a lot of time with them and as the relationship progresses, we
calm down a bit and start reverting back to our old routine a bit. This is
normal. But if your partner suddenly and actively starts keeps you away from
their life then it is because they are hiding something.
Lack of intimacy: If
your partner stops engaging in intimate activities with you, it means they’re
getting it elsewhere. Ok yes, when we first get involved with someone we tend
to be more excited and spend an inordinate amount of time getting physical with
them, and this is often not sustainable. We can’t expect it to be, but if it
stops completely, and if you notice other signs: lack of physical contact like
holding hands, rubbing shoulder etc, less affection etc it’s because they’re
pulling away. The bottom line is that happy couples
are physical with each other and if someone suddenly stops then it is a red
flag.
Catching them in a
lie or many. Trust is a huge component in any relationship. We have to
believe the person we’re with, we need to know that they’re honest. Ok, no one
is 100% honest, we all tell white lies and for inconsequential things, it doesn’t
really matter. Unless the lies are frequent. Or if you catch them in a lie. Once
a lie is uncovered, it’s hard to come back from that. If you find out
that someone is or was lying to you, you have to ask yourself why? What are
they covering up?
Anger and Guilt Tripping: This is related with being defensive and change of attitude. If someone gets angry all the time or starts guilt tripping you, making you feel like a bad person or unsupportive partner, when in actuality, you aren't, it's because they're trying to push you away, hurt you, or somehow rationalize to themselves why they are cheating on you and treating you terribly. My ex berated me constantly, told me I was being needy and unsupportive if ever I displayed any signs of discontent for his deplorable behavior. He lashed out, insulted me, and punished me by becoming even more unavailable or distant. Classic signs of someone who is up to no good, and is no good.
Now I am not an angel. I openly admit to cheating on an ex
boyfriend many years ago. A decision that I feel terrible about to this day. I
hurt him, a man who was loving and dedicated to me, and who didn’t deserve it.
I hurt him and I couldn’t be sorrier for that fact, even though he’s gotten
over it and remains a close friend. I did it because I was young, and stupid,
and too afraid to admit to both him and myself that the relationship wasn’t
working. I did it because I was weak and selfish. And I promised myself
afterwards that I would never do it again, and I haven’t. I can’t. If I find myself tempted, I either
work on my relationship or end it.
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