I went on my first "real" date
two days before my sixteenth birthday which means I've been in the dating world
for just over 13 years. Granted, over 11 of those were spent with a boyfriend (that number scares me actually) but I
still know a thing or two about being single. In my 11 years as a girlfriend, I
perfected the art of being a great one. There is not a shadow of a doubt in my
mind that I am an incredible girlfriend, just ask my exes. The fact that we're
still friends is a testament to that statement. Being single, though, is a
constant work in progress. While being single is exciting and fun, it lacks
stability. It’s the land of the unknown. It’s trial and error. It’s
exploration, triumphs and failures.
I feel like I learned more
in my two years of singledom to make me qualified to write this post. Some of
my dates have been incredible and others, not so much. Sometimes things go well
and we continue to see each other, sometimes there is no chemistry, or
sometimes something happens, a blunder, that derails the process. It’s these
mistakes that I am talking about today. Ones that are completely avoidable.
Ones that I hope other people can learn from. More importantly, that I actually
have learned from. That's kind of the point of writing this, actually.
Listen to outside sources: This is a tough one because it's perfectly
natural to want to talk to our friends about our personal life and what's going
on in it. I am not saying we shouldn't rely on friends for support and input
but we have to be careful what we allow to affect us. We have to make sure we
are still of our own mind when making decisions. The bottom line is that
relationships are between two people and bringing too many people into the
picture confuses things. Example: Not long ago, I was about
to go on a second date with someone that I was REALLY excited about. I was talking about it with a good guy friend of
mine who replied, “"Ha! He's good.
He's really good, got the game down pat. And you've fallen for it! He might be
my new idol." Now, some people may say that my friend is an
unsupportive jerk and that I should've ignored him and told him where to go.
They're probably right. Logically, I knew I should’ve ignored him, he doesn’t
even know the person I was going out with. But the thing is, he's my friend,
and a very good one at that, and I trust him. So when he said those things, my
giddyness turned into nervousness and I couldn't shake the feeling that my date
was just playing a game and that I was stupidly falling for it. To say that it
affected my behavior and my date is an understatement.
Rush things: Getting to know someone is a process, it takes more than a
few dates to figure out who they are and whether we want to be with them. We
may be excited about someone and want to hang out with them more and more, and
that’s ok but there is NO REASON to rush into anything. Don’t rush into
feelings, labels, or declarations. Give the person a chance to know you and be
known themselves. If it’s supposed to happen, it’ll transition naturally.
Overanalyze: I hate to put a gender label on things, and I am sure my
feminist good friend will have my head for this, but, women tend to overanalyze
more than men. Not saying that men don't, they can and do, but it's a more
female quality. We think about things too much: "What does this mean?" "Where is this going"
"he didn't reply/call---why?" “Did
I do something wrong, should I have said/done X instead?” And instead of my
pragmatic and relaxing, we get all wound up and -even worse-jump to
conclusions, often negative ones. We also have a tendency to hold someone we’re
romantically interested to higher standards than others in our life. If a good
friend doesn’t respond to a text we don’t freak out that they don’t like us, we
just assume they’re busy. So why get worked up about someone we like? One of my
best friends has a theory about this little peanut in our brain. The peanut is
where the negative and crazy comes from. That we can acknowledge that the
peanut exists but that we don't need to let it rule our thoughts, but instead
acknowledge it and, just quickly, dismiss it. Often times, though, the peanut
is wrong. It stems from our own insecurities and not from reality. The
peanut is bad. It ruins things, including our sanity
Over share: When we start dating someone, everything is new and that's
exciting and bit nerve-wrecking. We're getting to know them and vice versa.
That being said: pace yourself, there is no reason for everything to be on the
table from the word go. I get that sometimes this can be hard, I know when I
get nervous I either talk non stop (Literally
almost don't even stop to breathe. I talk about everything and anything, weird,
random, inappropriate, irrelevant. Anything. This is uh, not a good tactic)
or become silent. I don’t know which one is worse. Just remember: it's just a conversation...we have them all the time.
Obsess: The beginning stages are intoxicating, a total rush. It's easy to get
swept up in the wonder of it all, to become enamored with the adorableness of
it all. Try and be realistic and not get too caught up, because that's when we
start obsessing, and obsessing is an unattractive, dangerous world, and it makes us do off kilter things. Take a step
back and breathe, let things happen.
Play games: I know that we're supposed to "play the game" and
I actually just wrote about why that is bad, but people do it anyway. The thing
about games is that we become so immersed in them that it can be more about
winning than enjoying. So stop playing them. Stop pretending like you don’t
care. If you like someone, just like them.
Push someone away to test them: This is on
the same spectrum as playing games, but pushing someone away is pretty much
ensuring that they’ll actually leave. Opening up and being vulnerable is scary,
no one likes the idea of being hurt or rejected but it kind of goes with the
territory. It’s a risk, but then again so is getting in a car and we do that
every day. I mean, I drive a motorbike in Hanoi which is a pretty dangerous
task that I undertake multiple times a day. I’m digressing. The point is, we
make choices daily that could affect us in the long term, and we make these
choices without giving them a second thought. We push people away because we
want to test them, we want them to prove that they’re stable and not going
anywhere. We want to find out early on what we’re dealing with. The problem
with this, and there are many problems, is that people don’t like being pushed
away. They don’t like feeling like they have to fight you every step of the
way. Especially in the beginning. The beginning is supposed to be the fun and
easy part, not an obstacle course. As difficult as it may be, resist the urge
to push and instead be receptive and open and willing.
Try and make someone jealous:
Again, also closely related to games, because it is one. Trying to make someone
jealous is selfish and immature and pretty much always backfires. If we’re
deliberately trying to wind someone up it can only end badly because they’ll
either dismiss us and think we’re not worth it or they’ll get jealous and stake
their claim and be forever suspicious and possessive, which frankly aren’t good
grounds for a relationship
Lose confidence/Be someone you're not: If someone is on a date with you, there are
pretty high odds that it's because they're interested in you. YOU. Something
about you piqued their interest so why-WHY-come off like someone you're not?
Why lack confidence? There is no reason to be insecure, especially since the
other person has already validated your awesomeness by asking you out. If you
lose your sense of self and your confidence then game over-you lose, you're
out. It is, of course, natural to be a little bit nervous but don’t let
nervousness get the best of you! Walk into every situation assuming the best,
assuming that this person is into you and proceed accordingly. I can safely
attest that every date that I’ve gone on in which I was overly nervous I pretty
much ruined while the ones that I breezed into usually turned out to be pretty
awesome. (On a personal note, I've come to realize that if I feel unnaturally nervous on/prior to a date, that it's a sign that this isn't the right person to be out with. We should feel comfortable with being ourselves and the person we're with should be receptive to that and vice versa)
Blurt out nervous destructive comments: This is so painfully obvious that it shouldn't even be on the list. The other thing about this, is it's not something we do on purpose, of course, we try and avoid comments that will cause tension or confusion. I'm a big believer in being oneself, and not having to measure your words before saying them, however, if you, like me, have a tendency to let nervousness cause word vomit, I recommend: trying to think before you speak. For example, telling someone you're on a date with that being affectionate with them is "pointless" will pretty much guarantee that they won't ask you out again. Just like, nervously babbling to someone you're interested in that you "hate being asked out on dates" will probably ensure that they won't.
Let your ego get in the way: Ah the ego, an essential yet dangerous
commodity. It’s important to have a healthy self esteem and to love ourselves (otherwise how can we expect someone else
to?!) but our ego can get us into trouble. We know how great we are, but
occasionally, someone may disagree with us and while that’s a never fun
reality, it is a reality nonetheless. In the event someone decides they aren’t
interested-for whatever reason-we have to just deal with it. Get over it. It’s
just one person. We can’t charge full steam ahead to try and change their
minds. If we’re honest with ourselves, we will admit that our ego can drive us
to do things simply to win. Which is a bad reason to want something. Remember this: You aren't into everyone, so you can't expect them to be into you. Also ask yourself: Am I upset about this rejection because I really was into this person, or is it just my ego getting in the way? 9 times out of 10, I bet it's the latter.
Try and make someone like you/ Misread the
writing on the wall: This is
related to the ego and confidence thing, and it’s something we shouldn’t do. If you're on a date and you're thinking too much it can never go well. If you're out with someone and wondering if it's ok for you say something, wondering how they'll react to you being yourself, then you have to question whether or no this is a person you want to date. The reason why is that you can’t MAKE someone do anything, especially like you.
Just like they can’t make you like them. They either do or they don’t. if they
do, that’s great, if they don’t, then you have to accept that this is not the
right person for you to be dating, even if you hoped otherwise. Dates have two outcomes: one, you go out again or
you don’t. If it’s the latter then it’s pretty obvious something was lacking.
It’s also pretty obvious when someone isn’t into you, it’s just a matter of
whether or not you can pull yourself out of denial mode. If someone went from
talking to you frequently to simply responding to your messages (or not respond
at all) it doesn’t mean try harder. It means, stop being stupid and find
someone who recognizes your worth.
Shirk responsibility: Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes
it’s just because they don’t, but sometimes it’s on account of something we’ve
done. If you spent the whole date talking about your ex or being other degrees
of unattractive, then yes, it’s your fault. YOUR FAULT. Not the fault of your
date, your nerves, or the friend who planted a seed in your head about the
person you’re on a date with. Chances are, your date won’t want to see you
again, and you can’t really blame them for that. You can apologize, or make
excuses, but really you shouldn’t. It won’t change things. What you should be
doing is accepting the situation and ensuring that you don’t repeat your
behavior.
Overcompensate: If you do make a mistake or do/say something
stupid, it's done. You can’t erase what happened, but you can move on from
it, and more importantly LEARN. Apologizing profusely? BAD! Bending over
backwards to “fix things?” Just makes you seem unstable and pretty desperate.
If you’ve been playing games and playing it cool, sending a barrage of sweet
messages or dirty photos won’t negate your former behavior, it will just make
you look unhinged. It doesn’t matter how sorry you are, or that you wish you
could’ve done things differently. You can’t. What’s done is done.
Repeat mistakes. No one is perfect and no one expects us to
be. We will make mistakes and say and do stupid things, it's unavoidable. The
thing about making mistakes is that it's actually ok to make them, as long as
we learn from them. Doing something bad once isn't ideal, but repeating them
means that it's a problem. One that we need to address with ourselves. We can't
live in denial, sometimes we need to accept that the problem lies within us and
the only solution is by examining why it is why we are allowing this pattern to
form. The only person who can fix you is yourself
Beat Yourself Up/Dwell on Things: If things went badly, for whatever reason, it's very easy to replay them in our mind, dwell on our mistakes, and chastise ourselves for our actions. Or wish we'd played things differently. Don't do this. Not only does it just allow us to remain in a state of negativity but it truly solves nothing. Furthermore, we have to realistically accept that if things didn't work out then they weren't supposed to. At the end of the day, it was just a date. It's just a person. There will be others. Better ones.
Beat Yourself Up/Dwell on Things: If things went badly, for whatever reason, it's very easy to replay them in our mind, dwell on our mistakes, and chastise ourselves for our actions. Or wish we'd played things differently. Don't do this. Not only does it just allow us to remain in a state of negativity but it truly solves nothing. Furthermore, we have to realistically accept that if things didn't work out then they weren't supposed to. At the end of the day, it was just a date. It's just a person. There will be others. Better ones.
Let the past hold you back: Everyone has a past. Everyone has had good
relationships and bad ones. Everyone has insecurities and deal breakers. Almost
everyone has their heart broken. But the thing is, these are in the past and we
can't let the past dictate the future. Sure, we need to take it into account,
as we have been shaped by it, but it shouldn't control us. Otherwise we'll
never be able to have a successful relationship. Every person is different and
we need to be cognizant of that. Case in
point: I dated a guy for a very long time who cheated on me. A lot. The
numbers were staggering and the hurt was immense. As terrible as that was to go
through, I don’t operate under the assumption that it will happen again. I’m
not jealous or insecure or possessive. It was one person and I won’t blame
others for his mistake.
The thing about this list, is despite them being obvious No-No's, chances are that, regardless of being educated and competent human beings, that we'll engage in some of these behaviors. We can't help it. Even more confusing is that what is a deal breaker for one person is no big deal for someone else. We can follow every rule in the world but when it comes to relationships, no two are the same. What is comes down to is that we should just be ourselves, and allow both our good and bad qualities show. If we're with the right person, the good will overshadow the bad. We will be comfortable. We'll make mistakes but grow for them. We won't overthink, and instead just be.
Thanks to the usuals, especially my relationship gurus BK and NM and of course, KP