Burning Down the House: What NOT to Do On a Date

I went on my first "real" date two days before my sixteenth birthday which means I've been in the dating world for just over 13 years. Granted, over 11 of those were spent with a boyfriend (that number scares me actually) but I still know a thing or two about being single. In my 11 years as a girlfriend, I perfected the art of being a great one. There is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that I am an incredible girlfriend, just ask my exes. The fact that we're still friends is a testament to that statement. Being single, though, is a constant work in progress. While being single is exciting and fun, it lacks stability. It’s the land of the unknown. It’s trial and error. It’s exploration, triumphs and failures.

I feel like I learned more in my two years of singledom to make me qualified to write this post. Some of my dates have been incredible and others, not so much. Sometimes things go well and we continue to see each other, sometimes there is no chemistry, or sometimes something happens, a blunder, that derails the process. It’s these mistakes that I am talking about today. Ones that are completely avoidable. Ones that I hope other people can learn from. More importantly, that I actually have learned from. That's kind of the point of writing this, actually.

Listen to outside sources: This is a tough one because it's perfectly natural to want to talk to our friends about our personal life and what's going on in it. I am not saying we shouldn't rely on friends for support and input but we have to be careful what we allow to affect us. We have to make sure we are still of our own mind when making decisions. The bottom line is that relationships are between two people and bringing too many people into the picture confuses things.  Example: Not long ago, I was about to go on a second date with someone that I was REALLY excited about. I was talking about it with a good guy friend of mine who replied, “"Ha! He's good. He's really good, got the game down pat. And you've fallen for it! He might be my new idol." Now, some people may say that my friend is an unsupportive jerk and that I should've ignored him and told him where to go. They're probably right. Logically, I knew I should’ve ignored him, he doesn’t even know the person I was going out with. But the thing is, he's my friend, and a very good one at that, and I trust him. So when he said those things, my giddyness turned into nervousness and I couldn't shake the feeling that my date was just playing a game and that I was stupidly falling for it. To say that it affected my behavior and my date is an understatement.

Rush things: Getting to know someone is a process, it takes more than a few dates to figure out who they are and whether we want to be with them. We may be excited about someone and want to hang out with them more and more, and that’s ok but there is NO REASON to rush into anything. Don’t rush into feelings, labels, or declarations. Give the person a chance to know you and be known themselves. If it’s supposed to happen, it’ll transition naturally.

Overanalyze: I hate to put a gender label on things, and I am sure my feminist good friend will have my head for this, but, women tend to overanalyze more than men. Not saying that men don't, they can and do, but it's a more female quality. We think about things too much: "What does this mean?" "Where is this going" "he didn't reply/call---why?" “Did I do something wrong, should I have said/done X instead?” And instead of my pragmatic and relaxing, we get all wound up and -even worse-jump to conclusions, often negative ones. We also have a tendency to hold someone we’re romantically interested to higher standards than others in our life. If a good friend doesn’t respond to a text we don’t freak out that they don’t like us, we just assume they’re busy. So why get worked up about someone we like? One of my best friends has a theory about this little peanut in our brain. The peanut is where the negative and crazy comes from. That we can acknowledge that the peanut exists but that we don't need to let it rule our thoughts, but instead acknowledge it and, just quickly, dismiss it. Often times, though, the peanut is wrong. It stems from our own insecurities and not from reality.  The peanut is bad. It ruins things, including our sanity

Over share: When we start dating someone, everything is new and that's exciting and bit nerve-wrecking. We're getting to know them and vice versa. That being said: pace yourself, there is no reason for everything to be on the table from the word go. I get that sometimes this can be hard, I know when I get nervous I either talk non stop (Literally almost don't even stop to breathe. I talk about everything and anything, weird, random, inappropriate, irrelevant. Anything. This is uh, not a good tactic) or become silent. I don’t know which one is worse.  Just remember: it's just a conversation...we have them all the time.

Obsess: The beginning stages are intoxicating, a total rush. It's easy to get swept up in the wonder of it all, to become enamored with the adorableness of it all. Try and be realistic and not get too caught up, because that's when we start obsessing, and obsessing is an unattractive, dangerous world, and it makes us do off kilter things. Take a step back and breathe, let things happen.

Play games: I know that we're supposed to "play the game" and I actually just wrote about why that is bad, but people do it anyway. The thing about games is that we become so immersed in them that it can be more about winning than enjoying. So stop playing them. Stop pretending like you don’t care. If you like someone, just like them.

Push someone away to test them: This is on the same spectrum as playing games, but pushing someone away is pretty much ensuring that they’ll actually leave. Opening up and being vulnerable is scary, no one likes the idea of being hurt or rejected but it kind of goes with the territory. It’s a risk, but then again so is getting in a car and we do that every day. I mean, I drive a motorbike in Hanoi which is a pretty dangerous task that I undertake multiple times a day. I’m digressing. The point is, we make choices daily that could affect us in the long term, and we make these choices without giving them a second thought. We push people away because we want to test them, we want them to prove that they’re stable and not going anywhere. We want to find out early on what we’re dealing with. The problem with this, and there are many problems, is that people don’t like being pushed away. They don’t like feeling like they have to fight you every step of the way. Especially in the beginning. The beginning is supposed to be the fun and easy part, not an obstacle course. As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to push and instead be receptive and open and willing.

Try and make someone jealous: Again, also closely related to games, because it is one. Trying to make someone jealous is selfish and immature and pretty much always backfires. If we’re deliberately trying to wind someone up it can only end badly because they’ll either dismiss us and think we’re not worth it or they’ll get jealous and stake their claim and be forever suspicious and possessive, which frankly aren’t good grounds for a relationship

Lose confidence/Be someone you're not: If someone is on a date with you, there are pretty high odds that it's because they're interested in you. YOU. Something about you piqued their interest so why-WHY-come off like someone you're not? Why lack confidence? There is no reason to be insecure, especially since the other person has already validated your awesomeness by asking you out. If you lose your sense of self and your confidence then game over-you lose, you're out. It is, of course, natural to be a little bit nervous but don’t let nervousness get the best of you! Walk into every situation assuming the best, assuming that this person is into you and proceed accordingly. I can safely attest that every date that I’ve gone on in which I was overly nervous I pretty much ruined while the ones that I breezed into usually turned out to be pretty awesome. (On a personal note, I've come to realize that if I feel unnaturally nervous on/prior to a date, that it's a sign that this isn't the right person to be out with. We should feel comfortable with being ourselves and the person we're with should be receptive to that and vice versa) 

Blurt out nervous destructive comments: This is so painfully obvious that it shouldn't even be on the list. The other thing about this, is it's not something we do on purpose, of course, we try and avoid comments that will cause tension or confusion. I'm a big believer in being oneself, and not having to measure your words before saying them, however, if you, like me, have a tendency to let nervousness cause word vomit, I recommend: trying to think before you speak. For example, telling someone you're on a date with that being affectionate with them is "pointless" will pretty much guarantee that they won't ask you out again. Just like, nervously babbling to someone you're interested in that you "hate being asked out on dates" will probably ensure that they won't. 

Let your ego get in the way: Ah the ego, an essential yet dangerous commodity. It’s important to have a healthy self esteem and to love ourselves (otherwise how can we expect someone else to?!) but our ego can get us into trouble. We know how great we are, but occasionally, someone may disagree with us and while that’s a never fun reality, it is a reality nonetheless. In the event someone decides they aren’t interested-for whatever reason-we have to just deal with it. Get over it. It’s just one person. We can’t charge full steam ahead to try and change their minds. If we’re honest with ourselves, we will admit that our ego can drive us to do things simply to win. Which is a bad reason to want something. Remember this: You aren't into everyone, so you can't expect them to be into you. Also ask yourself: Am I upset about this rejection because I really was into this person, or is it just my ego getting in the way? 9 times out of 10, I bet it's the latter.

Try and make someone like you/ Misread the writing on the wall: This is related to the ego and confidence thing, and it’s something we shouldn’t do. If you're on a date and you're thinking too much it can never go well. If you're out with someone and wondering if it's ok for you say something, wondering how they'll react to you being yourself, then you have to question whether or no this is a person you want to date. The reason why is that you can’t MAKE someone do anything, especially like you. Just like they can’t make you like them. They either do or they don’t. if they do, that’s great, if they don’t, then you have to accept that this is not the right person for you to be dating, even if you hoped otherwise. Dates have two outcomes: one, you go out again or you don’t. If it’s the latter then it’s pretty obvious something was lacking. It’s also pretty obvious when someone isn’t into you, it’s just a matter of whether or not you can pull yourself out of denial mode. If someone went from talking to you frequently to simply responding to your messages (or not respond at all) it doesn’t mean try harder. It means, stop being stupid and find someone who recognizes your worth.

Shirk responsibility: Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes it’s just because they don’t, but sometimes it’s on account of something we’ve done. If you spent the whole date talking about your ex or being other degrees of unattractive, then yes, it’s your fault. YOUR FAULT. Not the fault of your date, your nerves, or the friend who planted a seed in your head about the person you’re on a date with. Chances are, your date won’t want to see you again, and you can’t really blame them for that. You can apologize, or make excuses, but really you shouldn’t. It won’t change things. What you should be doing is accepting the situation and ensuring that you don’t repeat your behavior. 

Overcompensate: If you do make a mistake or do/say something stupid, it's done. You can’t erase what happened, but you can move on from it, and more importantly LEARN. Apologizing profusely? BAD! Bending over backwards to “fix things?” Just makes you seem unstable and pretty desperate. If you’ve been playing games and playing it cool, sending a barrage of sweet messages or dirty photos won’t negate your former behavior, it will just make you look unhinged. It doesn’t matter how sorry you are, or that you wish you could’ve done things differently. You can’t. What’s done is done.

Repeat mistakes. No one is perfect and no one expects us to be. We will make mistakes and say and do stupid things, it's unavoidable. The thing about making mistakes is that it's actually ok to make them, as long as we learn from them. Doing something bad once isn't ideal, but repeating them means that it's a problem. One that we need to address with ourselves. We can't live in denial, sometimes we need to accept that the problem lies within us and the only solution is by examining why it is why we are allowing this pattern to form. The only person who can fix you is yourself

Beat Yourself Up/Dwell on Things: If things went badly, for whatever reason, it's very easy to replay them in our mind, dwell on our mistakes, and chastise ourselves for our actions. Or wish we'd played things differently. Don't do this. Not only does it just allow us to remain in a state of negativity but it truly solves nothing. Furthermore, we have to realistically accept that if things didn't work out then they weren't supposed to. At the end of the day, it was just a date. It's just a person. There will be others. Better ones. 

Let the past hold you back: Everyone has a past. Everyone has had good relationships and bad ones. Everyone has insecurities and deal breakers. Almost everyone has their heart broken. But the thing is, these are in the past and we can't let the past dictate the future. Sure, we need to take it into account, as we have been shaped by it, but it shouldn't control us. Otherwise we'll never be able to have a successful relationship. Every person is different and we need to be cognizant of that. Case in point: I dated a guy for a very long time who cheated on me. A lot. The numbers were staggering and the hurt was immense. As terrible as that was to go through, I don’t operate under the assumption that it will happen again. I’m not jealous or insecure or possessive. It was one person and I won’t blame others for his mistake.

The thing about this list, is despite them being obvious No-No's, chances are that, regardless of  being educated and competent human beings, that we'll engage in some of these behaviors. We can't help it. Even more confusing is that what is a deal breaker for one person is no big deal for someone else. We can follow every rule in the world but when it comes to relationships, no two are the same. What is comes down to is that we should just be ourselves, and allow both our good and bad qualities show. If we're with the right person, the good will overshadow the bad. We will be comfortable. We'll make mistakes but grow for them. We won't overthink, and instead just be. 

Thanks to the usuals, especially my relationship gurus BK and NM and of course, KP