Friday, January 27, 2012

Check Mate: How to Spot A Coyote

*amended January 28th. **amended on January 29th ( Thanks to my fave coyote)

Like 90% of people out there, I broke my New Years resolution. I am disappointed because I usually have an iron will and strong resolve but even I slip up, especially if it is romantically. Try as I may, I am useless at ignoring the chance at a connection with someone.

To say I’ve never been involved with a coyote would be untrue, but the difference between me and some of my female counterparts is that I don’t thrive on the drama and games. Once I realize something is amiss, I’m out. I don’t want to hear apologies or explanations. Getting a chance with me is not an easy thing to do, blowing your chance with me is just plain idiotic, and I don’t have time for morons.

When I come across a coyote, I don’t usually get angry or sad. I don’t yell at them, because I see no point. They are completely and utterly not worth the time and effort. I become disgusted with their complete lack of propriety and disregard for considerate behavior. The problem with coyotes is that they can be difficult to spot. They are not actually the obvious playboys who brag about their conquests, those are easy to spot therefore not dangerous. I actually respect them for their honesty even if I don’t like their behavior. No, the bad coyotes are the ones who pretend to be something they’re not…who put on the face of someone kind and good. Who go through the necessary steps to make it look like they care just to get to their end goal, and are usually carrying on side lives.

They’re the worst kind of person, and while there are many varietals and different tricks I have identified some MAJOR INDICATORS to spot them:

1. There is a purse in their room and they say it’s their mothers. It’s highly probable that it’s not. (Same thing if you’re in a woman’s room and you find a man's watch, shoes etc)

2. They ask you to “not mention anything” to your friend who knows their friend or housemate. Chances are they are hiding your interaction for a reason, and the reason is NOT the allure of a clandestine affair.

3. When hearing that you plan to go to a major event/party at a certain venue, they suddenly claim to want to stay in, it’s likely that they don’t want to be SEEN THERE WITH YOU. Why? Because someone is there that they’re romancing.

4. They refuse to meet any of your friends.

5. They claim PDA makes them uncomfortable (what makes them uncomfortable is if they are seen by someone)

6. They leave the room to answer certain phone calls, despite taking some in front of you.

7. When it comes to spending time with you that won’t result in hooking up, they feign illness or another emergency. Whether it be explosive diarrhea, suddenly feeling dizzy or some other ridiculous ailment that showed no signs before and would probably disappear instantly if you started taking your clothes off.

8. They don’t want any photos of them taken.

9. They come up with convenient and believable excuses why they can’t hang out, like their family is in town. This is plausible initially, but when it becomes a pattern it’s pretty likely that it’s a lie. But how can one argue with that? No, it gives them the ability to be busy, not answer their phone, and spend time with the other people they are duping.

10. When you point blank ask them about the nature of your relationship, or their other dalliances they become evasive OR give you the answer you want to hear but then display abrupt changes in behavior. They’ll stop picking up their phone, answering texts, and the big one: they’ll only talk to you during the day. If they’re really good at being a despicable human being, they’ll throw you tidbits, like a thoughtful email, just so you don’t suspect anything major yet.

11. They only respond when you send them something suggestive.

12. You hear they are dating someone from multiple sources but they deny it and implore you to trust them and not believe everything you hear. They may even turn it around on you and ask you why you’re so negative, why you always assume the worst, thus making you feel like it’s your fault.

13. They don’t care if they haven’t seen or spoken to you in a while.

14. They change their statement of intentions based on your reaction.

15. They will sweet talk and make plans with you you over email, text, instant message, and these messages may even border risqué…however these plans never come to fruition.

*16. The morning after an encounter they usher you out of their place/leaves yours in a hurry citing that they need to get some "online banking" done. (Uh, don't you have a laptop?)

**17. They reference how YOU feel about them but never exactly tell you where they are

**18. They play you a cheesy song (example: "I will always love you") for you on their phone and proclaim this as an amazing song that they "really, really love" (This can only apply to men I think)

**19. They inform you about a life situation they are going through, making you feel feel compelled to help them through it and be there for them, but at the same time providing them the excuse to behave badly or erratically and blame it in something else.

**20. If they are a man they tell you they always wanted to be a fireman because they like to throw things over their shoulder.

These things SHOULD be obvious red flags but sometimes we over look them. My problem is that I am a good person, I care about people. I don’t misrepresent myself nor do I ever make my feelings or intentions difficult to interpret. So I make the mistake of assuming that others are like me, that they have common decency. I have also been blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) by dating incredible men. Each more remarkable than the last. My last boyfriend was as close to perfect as someone can get (he hates when I say that, so if you’re reading this, I’m sorry but it’s true) and I’ve been spoilt. I’ve been exposed to wonderful, inherently good guys who treat me like I’m the most precious commodity in the world. They are the reason I believe in love, that I take chances, and why I see the world through idealistic rose colored glasses. They are behind my reasoning that good guys exist and that we can be in healthy and happy relationships with no games, no drama, no lies, no hurting. But they have also made me a bit naïve.

Luckily for me, I live in Asia so January 1st isn’t actually New Years. New Years was actually January 22nd…which means I get a whole other shot at this whole “time for myself” thing.

On a side note, this is not gender specific, some of the worst coyotes I know are women.


  1. This is a brilliant and comprehensive list of the f***wittery employed by social psychopaths. And of course, you are right, these things SHOULD be obvious red flags, but where do we draw the line and use them as the basis for the final cull? Personally, I'd go with three. See three of these signs, then scarper.

  2. I love your comment (especially defining these people as "social psychopaths") and I agree, three is a good reference point. Though it also depends on which three. I say, one---be a bit on guard, one---yield, three---turn and run.