I have been such a miserable bitch for the past two months. Honestly, I don't know how anyone could stand me. I know I haven't been able to stand me so goodness knows how everyone else could.
I was on the phone last night with someone who knows me very well, someone who'd reached out to me because my twitterfeed read like a Greek tragedy and while they were supportive and encouraging they imparted some tough love: "What are you talking about, Alice? All isn't lost. This is a terrible attitude, really really sad and you can do better than that."
I realized then that they were right. (Yes, Jax, you have that in writing) I CAN do better than that. I've spent my ENTIRE life doing better than that and have no idea why I've let myself slip into to this dismal abyss. But the GOOD NEWS is that as of today I'm stopping. I am no longer going to be a wretched wench, I am going to start focusing on the positive and revert back to the enigmatic and enthusiastic firecracker that you all know and adore.
I am doing this not only because I know that my family, friends and boyfriend are sick of my morose attitude, that it is making me unattractive to be around but also (more importantly) I am tired for wallowing in a melancholy existence. It's exhausting and pointless and not who I am, and it's certainly not who i want to be.
Life is unpredictable, and the more one does the more of a roller coaster it can be. I've CHOSEN to live in a fast moving and dynamic world. I follow desire, crave excitement, and seek adventure. In doing so, I've relinquished the possibility to be normal and consistent. And while this is frustrating and isolating at times, I can't deny that that world I have built for myself is interesting.
I could focus on the negatives: not feeling fulfilled, being far away from home, feeling isolated from my family and loved ones, missing my boyfriend. or I could look at my life and see what everyone else sees: I am healthy; I have a solid job, that pays well, gives me independence and authority, and provides me with exceptional opportunities that i would most likely not be able to have elsewhere; I have collected friends from countries all over the world, with unique perspectives and fascinating approaches who i am constantly learning from and truly cherish; I've worked in some of the most electric cities in the world giving me a unique perspective and an edge in life; I never run out of things to to talk about; My family is a blessing; I adore and am inspired by my boyfriend who effortlessly compels me to be a better person while lighting up my world; I travel constantly and I'm thrown new opportunities regularly.
So i apologize to everyone who has been subjected to the dejected version of myself in the past six weeks or so. I know it happens and we can't be "on" all the time but still, I am ashamed of myself really for getting that way...and am really looking forward to having my spark back.